(new here so don't know how to pull quotes from other posts yet)
"I used to believe that on the days my abf did not drink he was 'sober', it took me a long time to realise that his alcoholism permeated into these days just as it did his drunk ones."
Lilyflower, this statement REALLY hits home for me. Such a sad realization.
"I guess by 'impact' I mean making her understand in a 'these are the facts' way"
Jsmile, when I first started to flag AH's drinking as an issue (for me), this is the exact nature of our 'next day' conversations. The words 'making her' is understandable but simply put, you won't be able to make her see the light, no matter how factual or rational your argument or point is. My AH is an intelligent, well educated guy. When he's sober he agrees, but it doesn't stop him from doing it all over again. It's a sad fact. He's told me he understands, but the craving is too strong, or he thinks he can handle a 'few' and of course once he's had them, everything is out the window.