Anyone Afraid of Abuse Without Any Abuse Going ON?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by brundle 
I'm getting paper and going to take some notes. He's out right now. I'm trying to get all this down.
!
!
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I heard myself in most of your post. I've had the same attitude with (finally) standing up for myself, had the same thoughts, same questions, friends say the same things, am making the same plans.
I don't really have any advice, cause I know how hard it is to make that final decision to up and leave. I just wanted you to know I'm right there with you.
I don't really have any advice, cause I know how hard it is to make that final decision to up and leave. I just wanted you to know I'm right there with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I want to thank each of you so much! I did go and read each link and also went to the domestic violence web site. As suggested I didn't take any notes.
I have an aunt in the hospital who is only 53 and in a matter of days she wont be with us anymore. I ended up taking my daughter with me and we stayed at the hospital. My mom really wanted us there.
This morning I'm planning an escape route like one of the sites suggested. Making sure I have stuff ready to go. I looked in the paper at a few things.
It's so strange; but he's "acting" extremely loving and supportive; but then my daughter noticed last night that she was missing money from her purse. The only place it was (other then locked in her trunk) was in our home. You know how you believe something but you just don't believe it... It's almost surreal! I guess that's his way of "getting her back"; I don't know. I wont even pretend to understand his mind.
Thanks again...Hugs to all of you!!!
I have an aunt in the hospital who is only 53 and in a matter of days she wont be with us anymore. I ended up taking my daughter with me and we stayed at the hospital. My mom really wanted us there.
This morning I'm planning an escape route like one of the sites suggested. Making sure I have stuff ready to go. I looked in the paper at a few things.
It's so strange; but he's "acting" extremely loving and supportive; but then my daughter noticed last night that she was missing money from her purse. The only place it was (other then locked in her trunk) was in our home. You know how you believe something but you just don't believe it... It's almost surreal! I guess that's his way of "getting her back"; I don't know. I wont even pretend to understand his mind.
Thanks again...Hugs to all of you!!!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Brundle, my thoughts are with you and your children.
I will share my experience of the abuse I suffered, because the abuse I suffered, I feel was not in the extreme, and so I justified staying for longer. Looking back now I understand that none of what happened was justifiable, and any amount of physical abuse is a reason to go/have them go. I will never let another man raise his hand to me.
My relationship to my ex went sour. he never made jokes about hurting me, but he could easily turn, I remember the look in his eyes was psychotic. I was pushed and shoved. Prior to coming here he had punched me in the head behind my ear. So no one could see, the bruise was under my hair. I believed it was my doing, as I had pushed him too far. It frightened me into submission for many months. Then many months later, during which nothing happened physically, I found SR and I stood up for myself, stopped laying down to him. Then it turned again. In the two months before I ended it with him, he sent my daughter out the room then preceeded to jump on me trying to throttle me because he needed money and I had some, he also threw me across the bedroom where I hit my head against the side of the bed. I called the police after that. He went to prison for the night. A month later I ended it with him.
Throughout it all, right up till the end, I never thought of myself of being in an abusive relationship. I was never black and blue and had to cover up bruises like on the women you see in the films, I would think. My abf would only attack when I refused him what he wanted - money. If he knew I had some in my pocket, he would go for me. So I learnt to hide it. I often had finger print bruises around the tops of my arms where he had grabbed and shaken me or threw me away from him.
The first time he grabbed me and pushed me away from him was about 6 months into our relationship. His physical nasties would occur maybe once every 6 months or longer. So I easily ignored them.
I have acknowldeged what happened to me now, and I am no longer embarrassed about talking about it, I used to be.
I just wanted to share my story. I hope anyone out there who is only at the push and shove stage sees that it does escalate. It does become more often.
Brundle you are doing the right thing and I wish you well. Strength to you!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I will share my experience of the abuse I suffered, because the abuse I suffered, I feel was not in the extreme, and so I justified staying for longer. Looking back now I understand that none of what happened was justifiable, and any amount of physical abuse is a reason to go/have them go. I will never let another man raise his hand to me.
My relationship to my ex went sour. he never made jokes about hurting me, but he could easily turn, I remember the look in his eyes was psychotic. I was pushed and shoved. Prior to coming here he had punched me in the head behind my ear. So no one could see, the bruise was under my hair. I believed it was my doing, as I had pushed him too far. It frightened me into submission for many months. Then many months later, during which nothing happened physically, I found SR and I stood up for myself, stopped laying down to him. Then it turned again. In the two months before I ended it with him, he sent my daughter out the room then preceeded to jump on me trying to throttle me because he needed money and I had some, he also threw me across the bedroom where I hit my head against the side of the bed. I called the police after that. He went to prison for the night. A month later I ended it with him.
Throughout it all, right up till the end, I never thought of myself of being in an abusive relationship. I was never black and blue and had to cover up bruises like on the women you see in the films, I would think. My abf would only attack when I refused him what he wanted - money. If he knew I had some in my pocket, he would go for me. So I learnt to hide it. I often had finger print bruises around the tops of my arms where he had grabbed and shaken me or threw me away from him.
The first time he grabbed me and pushed me away from him was about 6 months into our relationship. His physical nasties would occur maybe once every 6 months or longer. So I easily ignored them.
I have acknowldeged what happened to me now, and I am no longer embarrassed about talking about it, I used to be.
I just wanted to share my story. I hope anyone out there who is only at the push and shove stage sees that it does escalate. It does become more often.
Brundle you are doing the right thing and I wish you well. Strength to you!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
((((brundle))))
Once you've made it out of there and are starting to feel the after effects (and you begin to question and doubt yourself and your gut and the choices you've made), get a copy of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
I moved out from my RAH after his sobriety didn't "fix all our problems". Something in my gut said, "Time to go NOW!" I've been out for 7 weeks now, and despite how miserable things got, I find myself missing him (?!?) and wanting things to be "right and happy and healthy" with him. Then I started reading "Why Does He Do That" and realized why his sobriety didn't fix our marrital problems. He has a very manipulative form of verbal abuse running in the background, which was "drowned out" from my view by his drinking.
I think if you start reading that book, you will begin to see why/how he could be "so loving and supportive and nice" to you while sneaking around behind your back.
Make the choices that are RIGHT for YOU and your kids (and your cat). Take care of you. Read and learn as much as you can about verbal/emotional abuse. Protect yourself!!!!
(((((brundle)))))
Once you've made it out of there and are starting to feel the after effects (and you begin to question and doubt yourself and your gut and the choices you've made), get a copy of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
I moved out from my RAH after his sobriety didn't "fix all our problems". Something in my gut said, "Time to go NOW!" I've been out for 7 weeks now, and despite how miserable things got, I find myself missing him (?!?) and wanting things to be "right and happy and healthy" with him. Then I started reading "Why Does He Do That" and realized why his sobriety didn't fix our marrital problems. He has a very manipulative form of verbal abuse running in the background, which was "drowned out" from my view by his drinking.
I think if you start reading that book, you will begin to see why/how he could be "so loving and supportive and nice" to you while sneaking around behind your back.
Make the choices that are RIGHT for YOU and your kids (and your cat). Take care of you. Read and learn as much as you can about verbal/emotional abuse. Protect yourself!!!!
(((((brundle)))))
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
((brundle)) Forgot to mention in my last post, the book I mentioned is written by a man who has been running an "abuse recovery" program for abusive men (not just the physically abusive ones) and he said the most SURE sign that physical abuse is on the way is that they start talking about it - making threats or jokes.
So please, please take care of yourself!!! ((()))
So please, please take care of yourself!!! ((()))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I'm in a similiar relationship to yours, almost 13 years married.
I've been pushed, shoved, threatened(to be killed), seen him kill an animal out of anger, seen him in serious physical altercations with other people(they said something about his car?!?!) to the point where they were hospitalized and he could of been sued, he's said things to our daugther and been yelled out way to many times. Those were the easy things to see, the not so easy were the subtle comments, snide remarks and manipulation techniques.
If at any point in a relationship you need to question yourself by saying if I push to hard is he going to lose it, RUN!
I'll be out this spring from this part of my life, spring never looked so good.
I've been pushed, shoved, threatened(to be killed), seen him kill an animal out of anger, seen him in serious physical altercations with other people(they said something about his car?!?!) to the point where they were hospitalized and he could of been sued, he's said things to our daugther and been yelled out way to many times. Those were the easy things to see, the not so easy were the subtle comments, snide remarks and manipulation techniques.
If at any point in a relationship you need to question yourself by saying if I push to hard is he going to lose it, RUN!
I'll be out this spring from this part of my life, spring never looked so good.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
After news of the tragedy on Christmas Eve in Ca. and reading your original post, I was scared for you. Nowadays, it seems things like that happen too often. I'm sooooo glad you are moving in the right direction. Stay safe and be vigilant in taking care of you and your daughter.
inahaze.....I'm scared for you too, any way you can get out sooner than spring??
Stay safe both of you........
inahaze.....I'm scared for you too, any way you can get out sooner than spring??
Stay safe both of you........
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
brundle......i smelled the dead skunk in the middle of the road long before i actually saw it. all the while saying.....is that a skunk????
know what i mean?
i could almost smell it coming with my xah. and it did. trust your gut. your inner voice is trying to tell you something vital.
know what i mean?
i could almost smell it coming with my xah. and it did. trust your gut. your inner voice is trying to tell you something vital.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
After all you guys said and all you gave me to read; I did. He's going out tonight. I'm putting together one of those escape plans with the kids. I also learned some of the things I was confused about ARE actually ABUSE! I didn't even know!
Thanks again...
Thanks again...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 6
Be careful, this sounds like a dangerous situation. I have noticed before that alcoholics can cause physical pain without meaning to. They can be compulsive and reckless, my alcoholic fiance in the middle of an argument slammed a door open with me standing behind it. Of course it hit me like a baseball bat, I still have a scar. But these little things you notice are showing you the direction he is headed, be very careful. And even though you have left, be careful of him finding ya'll. Praying for you and your daughter...
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