Anyone Afraid of Abuse Without Any Abuse Going ON?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Anyone Afraid of Abuse Without Any Abuse Going ON?
Ok, I know this is a strange question. I'm talking physical abuse. He's never hit me at all. There has been plenty of other abuse; I live with an alcoholic. Lately I've been standing up for myself, just a little. You can tell he's bitter. Very bitter. So much so that I've backed off a bit. He talks a lot about hurting me, as a joke.
I plan on leaving, he doesn't know. When I get a place I don't intend on telling him where I'm going. Just leaving on one of his "nights out"; he has them regularly. Over the past few weeks I've had a few friends who have told me not to tell him where I'm going because "something seems off" with him.
He's been blaming my daughter for the breakdown of our marriage (last year he blamed the cat) and I'm worried about her so I have been thinking if I don't find a place in the next week or so, she needs to get out of here. He's been progressively mean with her.
It's strange. He's done nothing, yet he's giving everyone this "vibe". I'm choosing not to ignore it, just in case. Is it just me? Or does anyone else feel that their alcoholic if pushed could become violent or even deadly? I would think it was just me if others (who I said nothing to) didn't bring up some of the same stuff. Should I be scared or just careful?
I plan on leaving, he doesn't know. When I get a place I don't intend on telling him where I'm going. Just leaving on one of his "nights out"; he has them regularly. Over the past few weeks I've had a few friends who have told me not to tell him where I'm going because "something seems off" with him.
He's been blaming my daughter for the breakdown of our marriage (last year he blamed the cat) and I'm worried about her so I have been thinking if I don't find a place in the next week or so, she needs to get out of here. He's been progressively mean with her.
It's strange. He's done nothing, yet he's giving everyone this "vibe". I'm choosing not to ignore it, just in case. Is it just me? Or does anyone else feel that their alcoholic if pushed could become violent or even deadly? I would think it was just me if others (who I said nothing to) didn't bring up some of the same stuff. Should I be scared or just careful?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
One of the most important lessons I've learned is to trust my gut. Do you have a plan in case you need to make a hasty exit? I think the fact that others are confirming what your gut is telling you makes it even more clear. There are some great stickies about leaving an abusive relationship that might help you make a plan. Please put your safety and your child's safety above all else.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I have absolutely no experience with this so I'm talking out of my butt here.
Run
run away as if your life depended on it
Trust your gut
That's just what "came up" for me when I read your post, I really really try to not post unless I have "direct experience" but your post frightened me.
Time later to "say sorry" if you were wrong.
Run
run away as if your life depended on it
Trust your gut
That's just what "came up" for me when I read your post, I really really try to not post unless I have "direct experience" but your post frightened me.
Time later to "say sorry" if you were wrong.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I agree. Trust your gut. I have found myself when I begin to feel that something bad is likely to happen, it tends to be rather accurate.
If I were you I would get your daughter out of there ASAP and myself outta there ASAP. Please don't wait til your gut feelings come true.
If I were you I would get your daughter out of there ASAP and myself outta there ASAP. Please don't wait til your gut feelings come true.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by brundle 
Ok, I know this is a strange question. I'm talking physical abuse. He's never hit me at all. There has been plenty of other abuse; I live with an alcoholic. Lately I've been standing up for myself, just a little. You can tell he's bitter. Very bitter. So much so that I've backed off a bit. He talks a lot about hurting me, as a joke.
I plan on leaving, he doesn't know. When I get a place I don't intend on telling him where I'm going. Just leaving on one of his "nights out"; he has them regularly. Over the past few weeks I've had a few friends who have told me not to tell him where I'm going because "something seems off" with him.
He's been blaming my daughter for the breakdown of our marriage (last year he blamed the cat) and I'm worried about her so I have been thinking if I don't find a place in the next week or so, she needs to get out of here. He's been progressively mean with her.
It's strange. He's done nothing, yet he's giving everyone this "vibe". I'm choosing not to ignore it, just in case. Is it just me? Or does anyone else feel that their alcoholic if pushed could become violent or even deadly? I would think it was just me if others (who I said nothing to) didn't bring up some of the same stuff. Should I be scared or just careful?
I plan on leaving, he doesn't know. When I get a place I don't intend on telling him where I'm going. Just leaving on one of his "nights out"; he has them regularly. Over the past few weeks I've had a few friends who have told me not to tell him where I'm going because "something seems off" with him.
He's been blaming my daughter for the breakdown of our marriage (last year he blamed the cat) and I'm worried about her so I have been thinking if I don't find a place in the next week or so, she needs to get out of here. He's been progressively mean with her.
It's strange. He's done nothing, yet he's giving everyone this "vibe". I'm choosing not to ignore it, just in case. Is it just me? Or does anyone else feel that their alcoholic if pushed could become violent or even deadly? I would think it was just me if others (who I said nothing to) didn't bring up some of the same stuff. Should I be scared or just careful?
from an outsider perspective, and from what you shared, there are clear and present dangers to you.
1. He talks a lot about hurting me, as a joke. that is intimidation, and is never funny. It is meant to emotionally diminish you so that he can maintain dominance. A person with limited emotional development often needs to feel dominant in a relationship that holds emotional investment. Anything, implied, imagined, or real that threatens their position of dominance, is reason for them to act in a way that becomes destructive, and yes, physically abusive. Consider his jokes as actual warnings.
2.I plan on leaving, he doesn't know. good. do NOT let him find out either.
3.He's been blaming my daughter for the breakdown of our marriage (last year he blamed the cat) and I'm worried about her so I have been thinking if I don't find a place in the next week or so, she needs to get out of here. He's been progressively mean with her. Get her, get the cat, get far away.
4does anyone else feel that their alcoholic if pushed could become violent or even deadly? The biggest and most tragic error in thinking is that there needs to be an event that pushes him. He is already building up pressure like a pressure cooker. No outside action or words are responsible for his condition. The only thing you are responsible for is staying safe.
Please, call your local domestic violence helpline. Find out exactl what you can do and follow the advice you are given.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Brundle, Have you read this?
it was like a "blueprint" for my XGF's behavior
Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Worth Reading and re-posting... - DailyStrength
something you wrote on another post made me think of this btw
Every single paragraph rang true when I read it by the way, I felt like someone had been following us around and taking notes, I "matched" it to the very first post I ever made here that I had written before I read it, and it was uncanny.
If he fits this profile (or not) but especially if he fits this profile, RUN!!!!
it was like a "blueprint" for my XGF's behavior
Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Worth Reading and re-posting... - DailyStrength
something you wrote on another post made me think of this btw
If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.
If he fits this profile (or not) but especially if he fits this profile, RUN!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
one of the things you don't want to do is to get your daughter out of there. That positively reinforces (in a sick way) to your husband that his tactics worked. If he is blaming the breakdown of your marriage on your daughter, and you remove her from the home, think about the message that sends to all parties.
your daughter will feel an enormous burden of responsibility rather than relief. your husband will have a hostage. you will feel resentful, afraid and guilty.
there are so much more healthy choices.
you and your daughter can stay somewhere safe together and begin to relax.
your daughter will feel an enormous burden of responsibility rather than relief. your husband will have a hostage. you will feel resentful, afraid and guilty.
there are so much more healthy choices.
you and your daughter can stay somewhere safe together and begin to relax.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Brundle, sorry to jump in late on your thread.
Below are some stickies about abuse that may be of use to you, as well as some general suggestions to keep in mind:
1- Make a plan that you can use in the event that he actually does get violent. Here is how to make that plan
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ituations.html
2- Do not make your plan alone. Get in touch with people in your community that are experts at local laws and support systems. Here is where you can find those experts
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html.
3- Once you make your plan establish what conditions will require you to actually use that plan. Here's a list of those conditions, take a look at which ones may apply to your situation:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sal-abuse.html
The most important thing to remember is that you are _not_ alone. Just take a deep breath and make a few phone calls to resouces you find in your area. Listen to the people on the phone and let them give you a bit of calmness and strength. Let them help you, whether with advice, shelter, rides or whatever. They have been where you are and can show you the way.
Mike
Below are some stickies about abuse that may be of use to you, as well as some general suggestions to keep in mind:
1- Make a plan that you can use in the event that he actually does get violent. Here is how to make that plan
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ituations.html
2- Do not make your plan alone. Get in touch with people in your community that are experts at local laws and support systems. Here is where you can find those experts
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html.
3- Once you make your plan establish what conditions will require you to actually use that plan. Here's a list of those conditions, take a look at which ones may apply to your situation:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sal-abuse.html
The most important thing to remember is that you are _not_ alone. Just take a deep breath and make a few phone calls to resouces you find in your area. Listen to the people on the phone and let them give you a bit of calmness and strength. Let them help you, whether with advice, shelter, rides or whatever. They have been where you are and can show you the way.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
brundle--I have bags packed for me and both the kids and a place to go until I can file for divorce and find a place to live. I keep my cell phone with me at all times. If my kids are not with me they are at school or with friends.
AH has veen acting nice lately--but I know it will be short-lived. As soon as my next paycheck is due and does not magically pop into the account he will rear his ugly head.
Make a plan and stick to it. AH has not physically abused me but I know exactly what you are talking about--the feeling of "when" is there.
AH has veen acting nice lately--but I know it will be short-lived. As soon as my next paycheck is due and does not magically pop into the account he will rear his ugly head.
Make a plan and stick to it. AH has not physically abused me but I know exactly what you are talking about--the feeling of "when" is there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Ago... He does act like that... I'm going back to read the rest... I was on the domestic violence web site...
miss communicat: That's a really good point. Off the top of my head I guess I was just protecting her (she's 22) and finding a place to stay. I also have a 17 year old son. He's away for the week.
DesertEyes: I'm getting paper and going to take some notes. He's out right now. I'm trying to get all this down.
Thanks you all!
miss communicat: That's a really good point. Off the top of my head I guess I was just protecting her (she's 22) and finding a place to stay. I also have a 17 year old son. He's away for the week.
DesertEyes: I'm getting paper and going to take some notes. He's out right now. I'm trying to get all this down.
Thanks you all!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 43
Brundle,
I have never been hit either. I have found that I have deep, deep emotional problems due to the mental and emotional abuse that comes with living with a drinker. It is in your daughters and your best intrest to get out as soon as you can. Don't be like me and live in fear daily. I have picked my clothes up off the lawn and slept in a car all night so he wouldn't drive. Please read the stickys they do help. I am waiting for my chance to leave and I hope it is very soon.
I have never been hit either. I have found that I have deep, deep emotional problems due to the mental and emotional abuse that comes with living with a drinker. It is in your daughters and your best intrest to get out as soon as you can. Don't be like me and live in fear daily. I have picked my clothes up off the lawn and slept in a car all night so he wouldn't drive. Please read the stickys they do help. I am waiting for my chance to leave and I hope it is very soon.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
