spda

im sorry. i have to vent. today my best friend did my "exchange of belongings" with my recovering XAB because i have chosen not to see him. he has been avoiding doing this process for 3 weeks since we have broken up. so i had my friend do it. i think he didn't believe that i would push the process through. this finalizes our connection. it makes me sad.

my friend said that he looks like he has been working out and was driving a new vehicle. i feel angry. that i have been miserable since our break up and here's this guy who lives with no consequences or remorse. like our relationship meant nothing. he can move on with his life so quickly. he told me after 45 days of sobriety (being dry) that he wasn't sure how he felt about me and that he didn't think he loved me-what could i do but break up with him at that point? the ride with an alcoholic is a miserable road!! i think about a life with relapse and being back in a motel room with bottles of vodka and this sad being that i loved so much crying to me to save him, love him and understand scares me but in sobriety its like none of that existed. its more selfish than ever. i know i am suppose to understand that this is life and death for them but gosh does "selfish" ever leave the equation.

now his dad has saved him with his new car, new gym membership, new cell phone and he walks around as if he's done nothing wrong to anyone. i understand now when his ex-wife would tell him she felt physically sick when she had to deal with him because i have gotten there. i know this is about me recovering but i am hurt that alcoholics can walk the earth with no remorse or consequence. it bothers me i still love this person and it bothers me that he can have excuses for everything! when will this horrible feeling go away? do they ever realize consequence of actions? he's 43 will he ever learn? i know i gotta focus on me but it all makes me so angry still!

laurie6781

That is your perception now. Partly from the hurt you feel and the fact that he is 'skating' in your view.

I can tell you however, that for those of us that do find recovery, there is great remorse and HUGH CONSEQUENCES. It took me the first 10 years of my recovery to 'pay off' over $100,000 in credit card debt alone. Along with that, came working the steps, and doing Step 9 (amends) to the best of my ability, then and only then could I start working on "saving" for my own retirement, helping my kids etc.

So, no right now he has no remorse, right now 'daddy' is still enabling, but EVENTUALLY it all comes to an end.

Just remember if you can, Alcoholics/Addicts have only 3 "UP's"

Locked UP

Sobered UP, or

Covered UP (dead). I had to his the last one, was given a 2nd chance, and have now managed the second one for over 27 years.

Please, please find some counseling or try Alanon. It will help YOU so much. Help you figure out how you became attracted to an alkie/addict. Help you to change you so it doesn't happen again, and help you to learn how to be kind and compassionate WITHOUT enabling another. Alanon has been as big a help IF NOT MORE SO for me than AA.

In the meantime, keep posting, venting, ranting, raving, screaming, crying and even laughing as we do care very much and will walk with you the best we can.

Love and hugs,

denny57

If his ex-wife said this, and now you're saying it, I think the odds are good the next person will say it, as well as the next. There are always consequences. I would try and work on letting go of when they might occur, as I have no power over that and they may even happen after I am dead.

Hang in there, it will get better. Look for the joy, not his consequences, and great things will happen.

((( )))

TakingCharge999

SAme happened here, I, a girl hurt, angry, confused..and him? already with the next enabler/another alcoholic (it took him two minutes to find her). On friday I saw him walking talking to a cellphone / LAUGHING! can you imagine. Laughing!!


I am also very angry and I will also join Al Anon. This is enough to question my own sanity, and there was not much of it in the first place!
spda, let's go to al anon and share...

spda

he texted my friend an hour after the exchange stating that he thanked her for taking time out of her schedule and that it was important to me and didnt really matter to him regarding exchanging things.why even state that?

trust me all...this is my way of moving full steam ahead by giving his stuff back, i attend alanon, i have wonderful friends and family to talk to. i have the looks, ambition and since we broke up men asks me on dates. i am not ready. i am still in the angry stage of grief. i feel sick at times because his illness has brought sickness around me and i just want a sense of peace. this exchange is it and it brings about relief, sadness and anger.

i just feel so bothered that his arrogance brings on the perception he has no remorse or consequence to anything. its my annoying "tick" that wants him to feel that and i know that he wont for a long time if he ever does and if he does it'll probably be way after all my pain is gone and i have moved on. i am trying so hard to think of me but i am still hurt and angry...

prodigal

I can only speak from what I have observed from the two A's I've married. Remorse? Not that I've seen, although that is not to say they have not felt it on some level.

HOWEVER ... they tend to latch onto the next enabler so quickly, that it makes us wonder if they ever felt any remorse, regret, pain, or sorrow over the loss of the relationship.

I don't believe an active addict is capable of investing enough of himself in a relationship to feel genuine loss. Part A is replaceable with Part B, as long as both parts serve the same purpose.

On the other hand, I believe that addicts who have some solid recovery do look back with regret on the destruction they left in the wake of their addiction. We need to have some perspective in our thinking when we see an addict just getting on with his life and taking up with someone else in what seems like a matter of minutes.

Okay, so your ex has all these new material things to keep him happy. How long do you think a bunch of junk will keep him happy?

Do alcoholics walk the earth with no consequences? Nah, no way. They do pay. Sooner or later, they DO pay. You may not have the satisfaction of seeing it, but remain calm. An addict who remains active in his addiction does pay. Big time.

spda

dreamer999, i know its absolutely frustrating. its part of their sickness trying to make you sick. trust me its an awful feeling i know that many of us feel in dealing with them. (((((hang in there)))))))
spda

denny57

So it would be repeated to you and hurt your feelings, if you let it.

((( )))

spda

luckily for me there isn't another woman and by that time it happens i wont know about it. fingers crossed. he has new material things because his father thinks that 55days of sobriety in the last 3-4 years means he is sober for life. he goes to AA but does he practice the steps? who knows.

i just know now that this person probably used me to get to sobriety (bless him he's alive) because no one loved or cared for him anymore. i brought life back to him as he says. as his family and friends say to me.. "i am humanitarian of the year...take it that i saved a person's life". i hope he stays sober because rock bottom was scary! i hope it finally scared him after 10yrs of drinking and destroying. i guess it shocks me that he can walk around like nothing. i truly dont know..i am just trying to find peace in this whole hurtful situation.

steve11694

laurie6781,

wow, great post. thank you

steve11694

active alcoholics have been referred to as "little Gods" in that they can be grandiose, arrogant, self serving, obnoxious and oblivious to courtesy, logic, respect. But, as Laurie said, it catches up to them, real hard.

inahaze

I don't really think they have a lot of remorse because generally the drinker sees nothing wrong with their drinking.

During a 4 month split where he'd not been drinking for like a year prior, he hooked up with some woman. Immediately began drinking, popping pills, going out...he even took her on a weekend getaway to the same place where we had our HONEYMOON!!!!!

No remorse on his part. The honeymoon was a big sore spot for me because we did have fun there...............

I was working, taking care of the kids, trying to sell the house while he was working, partying and doing anything he wanted. Hell he didn't even come get the kids for Halloween(I usually had them and wanted them for Christmas so I said he could have them for Halloween) because he said it would cost to much in gas to drive all the way over for a couple of hours of trick or treating!!!!!

NO remorse because they feel they've done nothing wrong. Their friends all tell them they're better off without the nagging wife/girlfriend, their family acts as if all is okay so why would they of done anything wrong ever?

Did I mention my remorseless one even brought his girlfriend over to Thanksgiving at his parents?

BeyondBSC

I am new at this, and I am wondering..."do they have remorse?" I have been divorsed for four years, from a man that "drank" to much. Recently involved with a man that is an alcholic, for 20+ years, and was 1 yr 4 months sober when we started dating, that lasted two weeks. I did not really know the differece, until he moved into my home, one basball hat at a time. The relationship has only lasted 4 1/2 months, I packed his things, there was more in my basement that my x's of 17 years, after he went off and beat me up in my car. He had never even raised his voice to me before. He has a strange way of showing remorse. He has called, and cried, and begged. I have told him that I get it, but that does not mean that I will take a chance again with him. Getting to the point, yesterday I passed by him walking, picked him up to drop him at his moms, he offered me a pack of smokes, went in the house to get them, got back in the car, started to cry a bit "i luv you, i didn't mean it" I said, you should go to church or call your sponser". This is the first time I have ever said this to him. Then I realized that he cut his wrist. Driving to the hospital, me crying and screaming, all I could think is this is how you say your sorry to me??? I left him there, alone.

brundle

I would have to agree with the other posts here. I married to my second addict. Maybe things do come in pairs? Anyway, I agree about them seeing themselves as little gods and the farther they progress the bigger the god becomes. My husband is 50 (I wanted some one more mature); he still doesn't get it. Age is meaningless in this.

I think just like they drink to cover up other feelings; they drink to cover up remorse. It's like they pickle themselves so they don't have to feel things too much.

With my first husband things like that use to really bug me. My second husband does really crappy stuff like that and we're still together (well until I can find something to rent, but don't tell him that). I'm better at detaching now. Al-Anon really helps. A great book is "C0-dependent No More". Another one is "The Addictive Personality". All great that help give you some understanding.

Hugs!!!

Freedom1990

Don't compare your insides to his outsides. It's horribly unfair to you. :ghug :ghug

Reminder

Hi spda:

It's hard to accept? The truth is that its harder to not accept because you are fighting what is and making yourself miserable.

And what if it never does leave the equation?

When you stop fighting what is.

Peace.

BeyondBSC

Luarie6781

I like what you said…
Locked UP

Sobered UP, or

Covered UP...hmmm...

So where does that leave us? I have guilt over a relationship that only lasted a second. I am questioning myself now. Maybe I am just a control freak, someone with a grandiose view of how important I am. i am having a tough time walking away from a dangerous, angry, unstable person who has and will continue to reek havoc in my life...because I feel bad for him. There is something seriously wrong with me, and it happened so quickly.

hbb

So sorry you are going through this right now. I ALWAYS wonder if my raxbf has remorse or regret for how things ended. My ex was sober several months when he cheated and went back to his exgf. To this day, i think that is the one question i hold onto...does he have remorse. I HAVE to believe that if you are at all human that you would have some sort of remorse. And i DO believe that it catches up to them eventually, may take some time but as my therapist says, you can't go around treating others badly and have no consequences for your actions. Hang in there....

One more thing i learned, living your own great life is punishment enough for them!

prodigal

You said it, so I'll repeat it; yes, there is something seriously wrong with you when you feel bad for somebody else who is violent and dangerous. You are owning feelings that he should be having. In fact, you are being his emotions. If he feels no genuine, heart-felt regret for what he has done, and you are glomming onto him because YOU feel bad for him, it's an unhealthy situation, to say the least.

I was married to a man who periodically hit me. Why? Well, I'd say something he didn't like. He accused me of adultery when he overheard a conversation I had on the phone with my gf. He thought I was talking with "the other man." I never gave this sociopath - and, yes, I DO believe my exAH was and is a sociopath - reason to believe I was running around.

No matter. His perceptions of who I was gave him permission to hit me. And I felt guilty about it. I hadn't done anything he accused me of; nevertheless, it kicked in my codie issues with guilt and an overly-developed sense of responsibility.

I finally let go when he dragged me by the hair across our entryway and threw me down our front steps. And that was after five years of physical abuse.

P.S. - He also had an illegal hand gun in his office. That was the ultimate deal-breaker for me. And it did wonders expunging my feelings of guilt. Dead is for a long time. A real, real long time.

TakingCharge999

THANK YOU all for this thread... it helps me a great deal. It really does.

I feel like finally someone understands, the quickness of it all, the insanity.

spda... I am sorry he said those hurtful words. My ex has also said hurtful stuff and it is shocking. I mean, if they were cruel from the start, you know how they are like, but to put one face and then be a completely different person. At least to myself it came as a shock. Disregard anything he says from now on. He is like a duck as some people say here, he is quacking!!

The first time he verbally abused me he cried, and said he did not mean those words.

The second time he cried all night and I cried with him as well, he said that I did not deserve this, that I HAD to be happy.. "even" without him... that was the most heartbreaking thing. At some point he knew he hurt me and knew I was going to be much better off without him. He was powerless. He still is. In fact from what I see and hear (damn we have to see each other daily) he drinks much more than before..

Then when it was obvious I was not going to keep enabling his way of drinking, he got more and more distanced, said even more hurtful stuff, and the nice guy I had been with dissapeared infront of my eyes.

I have mourned him as if he was dead. I imagine his friends and family and think about how ***** lonely existence it would be, to depend on a substance, to numb oneself, to live in a lie and to try to quench the remorse of all the people you have claimed you love but have hurt so much. That would be enough to double the intake. To hurt others and himself even more. And then double the intake the next round.

A friend told me that it was VERY GOOD NEWS that I would never understand his addiction, because I am not an addict.

I have shifted blame for this insanity to myself, to him, to the new girl and then to alcohol itself. Thanks to people here in SR I am starting to blame alcohol itself, getting a more clear picture of it all.. how I was enabler.. how this was not a *fun drunkard* but an alcoholic... how this new girl is another enabler and how alcohol will destroy or get rid of anything in between its victim and the next bottle. I am starting not to see it personal. And I am starting to see the new girl or anyone who may start having feelings for this guy is going to suffer a lot, just like I did. By the end we will all get over it. But the harm he has been doing himself goes beyond words. Maybe he will not notice it in this lifetime. I talked to this guy some days before and it struck me / he lives in such denial.

I say to myself:

Imagine if he could change so much in the time you were with him. Now that you left he is much worse, and is just BEGINNING something with another person. How will his relation be in a few months?

I am starting to be thankful I was able to get out before more violence came in.
Hugs to you.