do they not have remorse?

Old 12-27-2008, 05:41 PM
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Mia it wasn't just one book but if you would like just PM me and I'll give you the titles.
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Old 12-27-2008, 05:46 PM
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Thank you - I have read plenty about the physical impact of alcohol and drugs on the brain. I agree that it has an impact yet I cannot escape the fact that there more often than not a common denominator in the type of childhood that is experienced. They go hand in hand. Not all abused children become addicts but also not all children of alcohilics become addicts themselves. There is much we do not know and to dismiss one possible factor at this stage of knowledge seems remiss. Would that it were so simple.....
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Old 12-27-2008, 05:47 PM
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I struggle with the unfairness and lack of remorse and consequences with my ex too.

He is incapable of love, or remorse - I often think living such a superficial self-centered life IS a punishment all by itself!! You could not pay me enough to live that kind of empty life!
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Old 12-27-2008, 05:54 PM
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(btw - I think there is some interesting reasearch being done on the effects of cortisol (a stress hormone) on the growing child and hence their reactions to stress in later life. I have a hunch that this will play a large a part in the effects you describe above)

Anyway - this is a forum for F&F and the effects on US as far as I am aware from my lurking.
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Old 12-27-2008, 07:55 PM
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I can relate with you. That is what makes it so painful, no remorse, no consequence and enabling, enabling, enabling by those around the alcoholic. I am in a similar situation and have just left my boyfriend of nearly 5 years and moved out of the house we shared. I refuse to be an enabler in his life and for the first time am trying to take care of me. When I think about how he goes about his life so freely and without a care and how I feel like a CRAZY person and sick myself for feeling that way, I try to remember all them times he has left me at bars, come crawling into bed at 5am and needing to be at work at 6am, urinating in places you wouldn't believe and the zillion other times I put up with the most ridiculous behavior. I guess a little bit of anger is what is getting me through right now, but it certainly doesn't make things any easier.
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Old 12-28-2008, 03:31 PM
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Red face

Originally Posted by hmbld View Post
You know, I used to think that, but now I'm not so sure. I think they use that excuse because we buy it hook, line, and sinker. It's hard for us to understand why there would be any other reason to embalm themselves, and it plays into our need to help and fix and nurture.

I think with my A, he's simply a selfish individual who has some jacked up wiring in his brain. Simple as that. The whole "poor poor pitiful me" act is just a bunch of smoke and mirrors used by his mind to justify self destruction and overall inconsideration of anybody but himself. His life was no more traumatic than anybody else, if anything it was more charmed than most. Anyway, I apologize for going off on a tangent.
i had to take a couple days off from this site and stop thinking anything alcoholic related. this quote above is so very true! thank you hmbld! i guess the truth is we will never understand because we are not "drowning" ourselves. we live in reality. we deal with problems whether we like it or not. we feel remorse, regret and can say sorry without making an excuse behind the bottle. when we feel lost -we feel it and not drink it away.

i did not contact my recovering XAB for christmas. i decided to not wish him greetings via text/call. i guess in truth i am tired of being the one doing. he did not contact me either so there goes this holiday season without him.

it has been 25 days since my recovering alcoholic boyfriend and i broke up. he asked me to stick around, still be part of his life the day we broke up but what for? i realized i hurriedly said we were done. i look back now and i think its because i want a future. i want a life with someone grounded who is just like me and not a person i have to babysit. he used to be the man of my dreams so many years ago and now he's gone.

thank you all for responding to my thread. i thought i was so alone and i realize that with all your stories we are all similar in nature through this sad sad illness. there are so many similarities in stories we go through with alcoholics. each day i try to stay strong. i feel sad, i feel pity, i feel anger, i reminisce, i dream of what could've been and i wish to one day say i feel happy again or that i can say i feel forgiveness for this person.

i dont know if that day will come. i feel remorse for myself and this situation. i guess thats all that matters. i would like to believe he thinks, he's sad, he dreams of me, he has regret or remorse but that isn't gonna do anything, right? the fact is true if he is not proactive in the steps or some sort of recovery for sobriety then all he is is a dry drunk. thank you all for teaching me what "quacking" means. i feel that is something i should expect out of all people -actions speak louder than words. i show more in actions than speak and so i should practice what i preach.

dreamer999 - i feel your anger and pain. trust me i understand. i send you ((((((hugs)))))))) and remember like we all tell ourselves ...time heals all.

i wish everyone a happy new year!! i look forward to 2009!! i am excited to what it brings with out the relapses, crying, alcoholism this and that and the yucky drama! i just want peace!!
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:38 AM
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Why does it seems as if 'addicts' show such little remorse

I'm new here. I know this is an older forum, but my heart is heavy. I Googled this question and it brought me to this site, so I joined.
I'm not an addict myself, that is a 'chemical' addict. I do believe I've developed an addicts personality due to having 3 husbands who were alcoholics and a daughter who is in recovery.She is 47, and hopefully sober for 1 yr. However, she treats me so badly (always did when she was drinking), now it's sporadic. She lives 1500 miles away, but I've been her support system...always. Ever since she was born of course, but during her years as an alcoholic, for over 25 yrs., 2 felonies Dui's 3 reg DUIs and time in jail, and no more driving privleges. This makes me so sad that her life has been this way and how hard it is on her. She lost custody of her 7 yr.s old daughter too.
I was and still am, always picking up her pieces. Financially, emotionally you name it. I found it necessary, 12/17/09,(yesterday) to finally disconnect from her and change my phone #. It hurts so badly to do this. But I know her typical reaction will be to blame it all on me, and say something like this.
"Whatever".
I feel so badly, but she never seems to show real remorse for hurting me in so many ways, for so many years. The relationship varies from loving to toxic. I always feel guilt and sadness, but towards me, she seems to feel very little of this. I am wondering why. I was so happy she celebrated a yr. of sobriety, and now, I've had to disconnect. I'm tired, wornout and incredibly sad. Anyone, please help me with your feedback, I would be so appreciative. Thank you.
Heavy hearted in Omaha
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:52 PM
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Hello and welcome to the group. You may want to start a new thread on the main page with your story. There are many great people here that will want to welcome you and who understand your pain.

Are you in Al Alanon? I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I too have had to turn my back on my now XAH hoping somehow him hitting bottom will make him have an aha moment and fight to live. I have had to turn him over to God. Please know you are not alone in your struggle.
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Old 12-18-2009, 01:45 PM
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Back to question A: my former husband feels lots of remorse, and gave me heartfelt apologies. But the remorse and the regret have not been enough to make him stop drinking, or be able to learn from his mistakes, as far as I can tell-- granted, this is an outside impression, I don't know him that well anymore.

BTW he went through a golden boy phase during our divorce: worked out, got a new girlfriend, bragged to me about how much healthier their relationship was than the one he had with me. Two years later, he's gained the weight back, his relationship has gone downhill, and he's begun the process of mentally making the new girlfriend the 'bad guy' (this from comments from my daughter).
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Old 12-18-2009, 03:16 PM
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I don't think they feel remorse because they think nothing is ever their fault....nothing.

Good post!
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Old 12-18-2009, 03:22 PM
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I think they might feel remorse. Perhaps it is more desperation. Suicide rates for alcoholics is quite high — so maybe more is eating at them than the booze.

I for one, hope that they do feel remorse, shame, and desperation. I feel they are deserving.
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Old 12-18-2009, 04:01 PM
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I appreciate the comments. Bucyn said it so well. I certainly don't want my daughter to feel pain. When I know she is in pain, and her life circumstances are so overwhelming, I can honestly say that I feel her pain myself. I feel so bad for her, it's quite literally gut wrenching. Then I get so angry, because she doesn't seem to feel the same, when i'm hurting. I would like her to feel remorse and accept the consequences of her lack of responsibility. But like Normaestein said:
" I don't think they feel remorse because they think nothing is ever their fault....nothing".
How sad, because I start believing it is my fault. and i seem to 'buy' into her manipulations,' the good and the bad' so much. So today, after 25 yr.s of going through this, I actually changed my tele.# and told her I couldn't go through anymore. That makes me sad to have done that, but I don't see any other way. Even though she has been sober for a yr. and I though things were going considerably better.
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Old 12-19-2009, 08:35 AM
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I find myself wondering about my xAGF and if she has any remorse. I think it is very common among those of us on the Al-Anon, not the AA side of the street.

Over the past few days, I have received text messages and e-mails from my xAGF about how sorry she is for all the pain she caused. But it is always colored with statement about that she now realizes "how much she lost" and "what I can never get back." It does not come across as genuine remorse. It is about her sense of loss, not about the pain that she caused others. It is just a different form of selfishness. She asks for forgiveness. She asks for mercy. It is still all about her.

To be clear, I am no longer surprised or upset by this. I am at the acceptance stage of grief over the loss of my relationship with her. I have let go of the anger (well, most of it anyways) and am focused on the future.

I do believe it is possible for a RECOVERING addict to feel remorse. I have two employees that are in recovery and they clearly feel remorse for what they put their family and friends through during their active addiction.

In the case of my xAGF, she may be in recovery... maybe not... but she is still focused on her own pain and her own losses. She does feel remorse... but over what she has lost... not what she did.
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Old 12-27-2009, 08:19 AM
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I can SO relate to this.... he skipped off into the sunset leaving me to deal with the hurt, anger and frustration, and thought NOTHING of hooking up with a woman in the program the day after he dumped me, I felt so used......... and it kills me that he is having the time of life right now while I suffer, I don't deserve this, neither do you.
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