genrs123

i am really really depressed.

i am codependent, and included in that- having no prospects for romance or love, and im just so bitter about it all.

im bitter because i feel like i ruined things with my ex, but even still- i cant go back because i know ultimately i cant be with an alcoholic. i want to believe that nice men are out there who are charming, funny, kind AND interested in me for who i am long term. but having never found tha i feel hopeless.

then im bitter because even as an alcoholic, he was the only man there for me, patient, and he did try to make me feel better. i would probably even try to get back together, even desite knowing it wont work but havent because i have not much to offer being completely depressed.

i have dated other people in between- and it was very short term and they lost interest. even when i wasnt depressed or letting crazy out of the bottle!!!
.

i want to be happy by myself, but i just never have been. i am unhappy with most aspects of my life, if not all. currently, food is the only thing that brings me pleasure. i was put on antidepressants when i was 7 (although at the time i didnt want to take them). i am just not happy with myself or with life. i dont see it getting better. ive been this way my whole life, and the times i am happy are the times when OTHER people are including me in their fun.

i know its a cycle because me not being in a good mood doesnt exactly envite others in my life, but i cant h elp it.

i attend alanon, i have a sponsor (but she is a little unavailable at the moment). i am on medication (that doesnt seem to work) going to a counselor, reading self help books. i am in a band. i am in graduate school. i am starting a volunteer program to send books to prisoners. these last 3 are things that are important to me- but they seem to give me more stress than pleasure yet without them i would have an even bigger VOID.

i know i have friends but it seems im lonelier than them.

susanfsu1

I would love to talk with you some time. I know exactly how you feel.

Chin up Buttercup!

Peace and Love

sodetermined

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. When I have days like that, I try and take extra time for myself...by taking a bubble bath, with some aromatherapy candles, and some nice calming music.

I know that sometimes it seems like it would be easier to find someone to fill our void, but if we are depressed than we need to fix that first.

For me, exercising really lifts my mood, a lot, I have been trying to do that at least for 1/2 hour every day, and it has helped me with the depression A LOT.

Hang in there, we are here for you!

ToughChoices

You're taking steps to help yourself RIGHT NOW. As I type, you are actively working towards acceptance and self-love. With AlAnon and Sr and counseling and school and your band and your volunteer work.
That's a lot of "and's"!

I didn't get better right away.

There was a really frustrating period where I knew that recovery from co-dependency was possible, I saw people who had recovered, I knew what to do to improve my situation, and still I hurt. Even while taking the necessary steps. Especially then.

They say, "fake it 'till you make it."
It worked for me.

Give yourself some time, genrs123.
You sound a bit like an overachiever (takes one to know one) - that may be working against you here.
Give yourself permission to be a bit unsteady for a while.
Expect that you aren't going to be attracting others with your gleaming wit and bright smile for a while.

All will be as it should.
These problems don't find their solution quickly.

-TC

Kimmieh

Anti-depressants can stop working after some time, so you might want to discuss this with your doctor. And exercise works wonders for me, too.

MissFixit

As someone in a similar position, this is what I am currently doing:

School/classes/group projects
Homework (and have done VERY poorly this last month)
SR
Alanon
Church
Therapy
Exercise (run outside or eliptical machine at the gym, ab exercises and free weights)
Hot Baths
Heathly food (junk on weekends, but I need to keep energy up)
Daily vitamins (B??? helps with mood)
Contact old friends I have lost touch with (1-2 per week usually with emails or calls)
Stay on top of laundry, housework (removing the clutter helps me to feel better and provides routine)
Professional networking via email and letters
Lists of goals for now and in the future (something to look forward to and helps you plan)
Organize files, cabinets (whatever I can to stay busy and keep moving forward)
Journaling (helps me sort through confusion)
Periodic treats like nails, hair, massage (self indulgent things)

I don't have kids, which intellectually is probaly a good thing with this situation, but actually with the break up I feel like I lost the children I thought we would have (we were discussing names and I was looking at baby clothes) so I am very touchy on this right now. Since I am in school full time, I am not working (looking for a job in this market is horrible and scary). Might be working next semester. I have trouble staying or even getting motivated and usually when I simply show up for a class or alanon that is all I can do. I am in foul moods, crying and staying pretty quiet, but I am going thorugh the motions.

I know this sounds kind of basic and simple (maybe even selfish), but right now getting through the shock, depression and sadness is the MOST important thing I can do. I hope that by getting "back to the basics" and building up from there, I will be able to get going with the strengh I will need shortly. Benefits from doing this routine are that I have something to focus on other than my emotions (although I cry when I run very often), my physical health is pretty good and (as a girl) my hair, nails and skin are looking better than they have in a long time. I am hoping that my insides will improve sometime soon too.

Maybe some of these things might work for you too.??

genrs123

thanks for the support everyone.


basically, i am stuck because i work part time, not getting bills met but not able to work much more while going to school. yet, i still dont have enough time to do school so im not really doing well at either. additionally, i dont get to see people i love or work on ME. enough. i hate it. i feel overwhelmed, dont do anything. and get STUCK!

adding that to missing my AXBF and the grief i have from not having him in my life and the SADNESS that i feel not being healthy enough to attract other people here (or even loving myself) and things just suck.

i emailed my sponsor, but shes busy. i dont know if i should get a sponsor in CoDa (since my problem seems to be unhappy with my life and not loving myself or knowing what to do with me.) or if i should get another Al Anon sponsor.

i should add that i:

started to journal again- it was hard b/c the last time i wrote in my journal was the first days of the break up and i really didnt want to go back there. i was feeling stronger, so i decided to see if maybe there were some scenes from the edited tapes that i needed to see. and there were. but they were just me, seeming mean, crazy, and unloving and they hurt me to acknowledge that im not the kind of nice person i thought i as.


looking for a new job/networking- im with you there... horrible.
cooking - i am broke so i cook ALL my own food and i eat (very) healthy.

exercise - atleast 30 minutes. usually running my heart out. literally.
i have a list of goals but i just dont care. i just dont care about them.
im so dang broke and soon to be broker if i keep paying for school (with loans) and cant seem to

Cleaning- i mostly do this as a coping mechanism when i feel overwhelmed.

Reaching out- here and to my friends even though it is a bummer.

i had been very social- but its hard with school AND work. But i used to lead a rock n roll lifestyle to go with my rock n roll band (hahaha. just kidding. sort of).

drawing - i dont have time but i do like to draw and make stuff.

i have only been taking my meds 8 weeks, they worked great at first. i didnt think theyd stop by now, but im definitely going to need to change them. i have an apptmt tomorrow to do so i guess, and friday is therapy.

i really cant do much without school and its just overwhelming. i wish i had more time to just work on projects. i might take a semester off from school, but then i still wont probably be able to get a job that i can pay my bills with, unless i work 2 part time jobs.

this weekend i am doing a food demo at the farmers market and dog sitting across town.

i really wish i had nothing to do but read in the self help section at borders, SR and try to think about how or ways im better off by myself.

thanks for listening and for the support. im sorry im so self absorbed and miserable...

veryrestless722

ive never taken those kinds of pills but my dad does and he went through a ton of them before he found the right one, just keep changing them until you find the one that works for you dont give up hope ive often feel like you somehow the days keep passing and you get through it, i look back and am shocked how far ive made it i havent been with my ex since april, dont have a clue how i made it but i did its been a tough road

Live

glad you have a Dr's appmt! It took them awhile to find the combo that works best for me and being in therapy is a super investment in yourself.

I hope you find relief from your suffering soon!

genrs123

thanks everyone. sorry there is no "thanks" thing but i really do appreciate it.

londonvanpelt

Depression is usually anger turned inwards. Sometimes emotions can get bottled up inside and what I need is a good cry or to scream/physically to get the anger out. Have you tried anything like this?

I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy. I can totally relate to the people you have dated. The only guy who seemed to really care was the exA, but I can't deal with the drama that goes with drinking. And then I read some of AA's Big Book and there is no way I could open my home to other people who need AA. I couldn't handle that type of life. It's too much for me. The economy is not helping either. People are starting to feel hopeless and bitter. Is it possible to defer payment of the school loans until after graduation?

genrs123

Thats -really- interesting LondonVP...
i dont know about the big book thing but id open up my home IF my xABF ever wanted help. i dont think that will happen.

youre right about the economy. im still worried about loans as i dont have any experience in my field and the economy is so bad. i am worried about paying 200-300 dollars a month when i dont kow if i can even get a job to pay my bills.

ive got to keep trying im just so unmotivated and not there.

Tarheel

genrs,

You are working so hard!! I know how difficult that is in the face of how you feel. Sounds like it's pretty critical for you to address your meds. Dealing with that - in and of itself - can be depressing. Hang in there!!!

I really appreciate all that you are doing in the face of feeling the "familiar paralysis" of depression.

btw...*when you are ready* I PROMISE there will be a partner for you out there. Maybe when you least expect it. Maybe from the least expected place. But he'll be there. Healthy and loving and fun...adoring you. You just gotta keep learning how to adore yourself.

Take gooooooooood care of yourself!

TH