What do I do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 4
What do I do
Hi everyone. Sorry for the long post.
I come across this forum and decided to tell my story. There is no one else I can talk to.
Me and my husband have been together for 7 years now and were very young when we met. We had a lot of friends that we would see almost on a daily bases and getting drunk was normal for the guys so I didn't think too much of it.
Years passed by and we got a house, opened a company and have many responsabilities now, so we don't get to see our friends very often.
The problem is my husband is still drinking and it doesn't seem normal to me anymore. There hasn't been one evening when he doesn't drink. He doesn't get so drunk that he can't walk or stand up straight. If you don't know him you can't even tell he's drunk. But his eyes get red, he gets very irritated and most of the time, verbally abusive with me. He never hit me, but he has broken stuff and scarred the hell out of me on a few occassions. He's always very mean to me when he drinks and it's damaged our relashionship. I sometimes hate him for doing this to me, to us. I can't go anywhere with him because I'm afraid he'll embarass me. We were just at a party 2 days ago and he was very disrespectful to someone (he was drunk of course). Today I went grocery shopping and by the time I came back his eyes were all red and he was very irritated and being mean to me again. This happens almost every night.
He won't admit he has a problem, he argues that an alcoholic drinks even in the morning (he only drinks at night) and it interferes with their job which is not the case with him. Amazingly, even if he drinks for 8 hours straight and goes to bed at 3 Am he'll be up at 6 Am to go to work.
People say I'm crazy that he's the nicest guy and drinking at parties and a beer every night is normal. But he drinks more than beer every night. He also drinks Hennessy or other hard liquor.
When he is not drunk (in the morning) he is the sweetest guy in the world and won't say anything that could hurt me.
Because of his alcohol use I became depressed, very isolated. I just don't know what to do, don't know how to help him, and I can't convince him that he has a problem.
One time when things got a little out of control, he quit for a few days but could,t stick with it.
He also has a DUI that he got before we met,but he was very young and partying all the time so he doesn't see it as a consequence of alcohol abuse.
This is killing him, it's killing me and it's killing our marriage. I would leave him, but I don't have anyone else in this world except for him. No parents, no friends, I can't turn to anyone for help.
Is there anything I can do to get through to him? Is there anyone here who went through something similar? Any advice would help.
I come across this forum and decided to tell my story. There is no one else I can talk to.
Me and my husband have been together for 7 years now and were very young when we met. We had a lot of friends that we would see almost on a daily bases and getting drunk was normal for the guys so I didn't think too much of it.
Years passed by and we got a house, opened a company and have many responsabilities now, so we don't get to see our friends very often.
The problem is my husband is still drinking and it doesn't seem normal to me anymore. There hasn't been one evening when he doesn't drink. He doesn't get so drunk that he can't walk or stand up straight. If you don't know him you can't even tell he's drunk. But his eyes get red, he gets very irritated and most of the time, verbally abusive with me. He never hit me, but he has broken stuff and scarred the hell out of me on a few occassions. He's always very mean to me when he drinks and it's damaged our relashionship. I sometimes hate him for doing this to me, to us. I can't go anywhere with him because I'm afraid he'll embarass me. We were just at a party 2 days ago and he was very disrespectful to someone (he was drunk of course). Today I went grocery shopping and by the time I came back his eyes were all red and he was very irritated and being mean to me again. This happens almost every night.
He won't admit he has a problem, he argues that an alcoholic drinks even in the morning (he only drinks at night) and it interferes with their job which is not the case with him. Amazingly, even if he drinks for 8 hours straight and goes to bed at 3 Am he'll be up at 6 Am to go to work.
People say I'm crazy that he's the nicest guy and drinking at parties and a beer every night is normal. But he drinks more than beer every night. He also drinks Hennessy or other hard liquor.
When he is not drunk (in the morning) he is the sweetest guy in the world and won't say anything that could hurt me.
Because of his alcohol use I became depressed, very isolated. I just don't know what to do, don't know how to help him, and I can't convince him that he has a problem.
One time when things got a little out of control, he quit for a few days but could,t stick with it.
He also has a DUI that he got before we met,but he was very young and partying all the time so he doesn't see it as a consequence of alcohol abuse.
This is killing him, it's killing me and it's killing our marriage. I would leave him, but I don't have anyone else in this world except for him. No parents, no friends, I can't turn to anyone for help.
Is there anything I can do to get through to him? Is there anyone here who went through something similar? Any advice would help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Is there anything I can do to get through to him?
Well that depends what you want to try to get through to him.
You can get through to him that you will no longer enable his drinking by not enabling it anymore.
You can get through to him that you will not tolerate verbal abuse by leaving the room or the house the minute he starts.
You can get through to him that YOU feel his drinking is adversely affecting your marriage and you wish he would seek help.
What he chooses to do with this information is up to him. You can only manage to clean up your side of the street so to speak.
If you're wondering if there is a way for you to get him to stop drinking then I would have to say no. If you're wondering if there is a way to show him how much you are suffering and whether that will get him to stop drinking I would have to say no.
He is just doing what alcoholics do and he will not stop drinking until HE has had enough and is ready to face the mighty task of living sober and hopefully finding recovery.
You said you have no family or friends. Isolation of the non-alcoholic family members is common in alcoholic families. Is there anyone you can reach out to? You used to have a group of friends it sounds like, can you reach out for some companionship?
I also recommend AlAnon. I learned so much there about how to separate MY feelings and MY problems and goals from being daily affected by the alcoholics in my family. It was a lifesaver to read some of that AlAnon literature and be in a room with people who knew pretty much exactly what I was feeling.
Read around here at SR - and keep posting! It's great that you have found SR and are looking for help & solutions for yourself. It's very hard to accept what alcoholism does to our loved ones. Very hard. But acceptance is the first step toward positive change!
Peace-
B.
Well that depends what you want to try to get through to him.
You can get through to him that you will no longer enable his drinking by not enabling it anymore.
You can get through to him that you will not tolerate verbal abuse by leaving the room or the house the minute he starts.
You can get through to him that YOU feel his drinking is adversely affecting your marriage and you wish he would seek help.
What he chooses to do with this information is up to him. You can only manage to clean up your side of the street so to speak.
If you're wondering if there is a way for you to get him to stop drinking then I would have to say no. If you're wondering if there is a way to show him how much you are suffering and whether that will get him to stop drinking I would have to say no.
He is just doing what alcoholics do and he will not stop drinking until HE has had enough and is ready to face the mighty task of living sober and hopefully finding recovery.
You said you have no family or friends. Isolation of the non-alcoholic family members is common in alcoholic families. Is there anyone you can reach out to? You used to have a group of friends it sounds like, can you reach out for some companionship?
I also recommend AlAnon. I learned so much there about how to separate MY feelings and MY problems and goals from being daily affected by the alcoholics in my family. It was a lifesaver to read some of that AlAnon literature and be in a room with people who knew pretty much exactly what I was feeling.
Read around here at SR - and keep posting! It's great that you have found SR and are looking for help & solutions for yourself. It's very hard to accept what alcoholism does to our loved ones. Very hard. But acceptance is the first step toward positive change!
Peace-
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 4
Thank you so much for your input. Any info helps. I did have a talk with him this morning (he's sober in the morning) and I explained to him that I cannot take this anymore and I also printed out some stuff on alcoholism and verbal abuse and he did read all of it. He said he is willing to do anything not to loose me and to save our marriage, but I did hear this before. He did admit that he has a problem (first time he actually admited this) so maybe this time it will be different. When he's sober he's the most decent guy, and he is also a hard working man, but when he drinks he is someone that I don't recognize.
I'll give him a chance and see if he's really willing to try, but if this continues I don't think that I can take much more. 7 years was enough for me.
I'll give him a chance and see if he's really willing to try, but if this continues I don't think that I can take much more. 7 years was enough for me.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Terra))
Welcome to SR
Although you may find your life is not exactly the same as all of us- you will find many of us with similiar stories, Many of us have been in your type of a situation and by our Higher Power's help, guidance and the support of our friends from Sober Recovery we have found the strength and courage to make decisions on what is best for us.
Some stay, some leave and some find ways to make changes in their homes for a healthier life.
Please keep reading, posting and reaching out for help.
Wishing you Serenity, Joy and Love,
Rita
Welcome to SR
Although you may find your life is not exactly the same as all of us- you will find many of us with similiar stories, Many of us have been in your type of a situation and by our Higher Power's help, guidance and the support of our friends from Sober Recovery we have found the strength and courage to make decisions on what is best for us.
Some stay, some leave and some find ways to make changes in their homes for a healthier life.
Please keep reading, posting and reaching out for help.
Wishing you Serenity, Joy and Love,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
If it's any consolation, you sound like me in fall of 2003. That really sucked. Mine stopped the daily drinking sometime after that, but later decided he could 'control' it, meaning he varied between not drinking, drinking sensibly and binge drinking. The verbal abuse was less frequent, but that was mostly because I finally got so angry that I'd verbally annhilate him if he started. Not healthy, but it discouraged him from going there again.
Read as much as you can here -- you're definitely not alone. I didn't find this place until this year, but realized in 2004 that I was responsible for my own happiness and set out to do whatever I could think of to make my life the best it could possibly be. I became a healthier person as a result and am now separated from him, as I realized my marriage will never be up to par as long as he drinks, which he says isn't negotiable.
Read as much as you can here -- you're definitely not alone. I didn't find this place until this year, but realized in 2004 that I was responsible for my own happiness and set out to do whatever I could think of to make my life the best it could possibly be. I became a healthier person as a result and am now separated from him, as I realized my marriage will never be up to par as long as he drinks, which he says isn't negotiable.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by terra 
I did have a talk with him this morning (he's sober in the morning) and I explained to him that I cannot take this anymore and I also printed out some stuff on alcoholism and verbal abuse and he did read all of it.
At this point in his drinking it's worth considering he is never truly "sober." Drinking every night, he probably feels like crap in the morning and is going through withdrawal. A great book on understanding the physiology of alcoholism is "Under the Influence" and/or "Beyond the Influence."
I could very much relate to your post - it sounds like my marriage, which recently ended after 18 years together.
Keep posting - you are not alone.
p.s. I also highly recommend Al Anon; you will have more friends than you know what to do with
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 4
Thank you all for reading my post and for all the good advice.
I see that many marriages cannot be saved and it may sound naive, but I really hope that mine will turn out differently. I understand that it will be a long and painful process but we have came so far and achieved so much, it would be a shame to see it all go down the drain.
Talking with you all and doing some research really helped me understand things much better and made me more confident.
I see that many marriages cannot be saved and it may sound naive, but I really hope that mine will turn out differently. I understand that it will be a long and painful process but we have came so far and achieved so much, it would be a shame to see it all go down the drain.
Talking with you all and doing some research really helped me understand things much better and made me more confident.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by terra
I see that many marriages cannot be saved and it may sound naive, but I really hope that mine will turn out differently.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by terra
Well, for the past 2 days he didn't have a drink and things are looking up. I love him very much and hope to spend the rest of my life with him, so I really hope he'll stay on the right path.
I've learned that if I'm going to imagine the best outcome, I need to consider the worst. I don't dwell on it, but if I put a plan in place I can then forget about it until or if I need it.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I would like to speak to you about the verbal abuse. It is very damaging and can cause lifelong problems. Please try to seek counseling (usually for free) from your local domestic violence center.
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