Need advice quick! My AexGF has gone nuts!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 59
Need advice quick! My AexGF has gone nuts!
Here is some background on my situation:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependency.html
Basically, we split up last week and she's not being very kind or understanding about anything.
This morning I woke up to the following e-mail:
I wrote her back the following:
When I got home. The computer was gone. Receipts were lying all over the place and the deed to the house and all other legal documents were missing.
I finally got a computer set up and she had written me the following:
Basically, I just went to the hardware store and bought new locks to prevent her from coming back into the house. She now has all the original legal documents to the house. She is also refusing to pay for anything to do with selling the house. She's basically upset that I used her parents money to get our original credit card debt back down to $0 and used the rest to buy gardening equipment (lawnmower, weed whacker, etc...). Somehow she assumes that since I bought a $800 sound system after all her parents money was already gone that it equates to me not paying for the roof. She's also saying that she didn't want to redo the basement and that she won't be paying to renovate it.
I don't get it. Isn't everything we did while we were still together part of the agreement. It's not like she told me to stop dismantelling the basement. We both knew we wanted it done eventually. She'd even come down and tell me how nice it looked.
Basically, I'm still getting over my hearbreak over this serious relationship and she's dumping all her crap on me like this. It doesn't feel right. I'd like to hear what you guys think or if you have any advice. I'm most likely going to look for a lawyer tomorrow as I can no longer see this ending peacefully.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependency.html
Basically, we split up last week and she's not being very kind or understanding about anything.
This morning I woke up to the following e-mail:
I spoke to someone who has been in our situation before. Basically the easiest thing for us to do is to go see the notary, and I will just sign over my half of the house to you. No money involved, it's yours. Let me know if that's cool with you. I don't want to get involved in a legal battle with you, and right now, it's really not cool that I'm paying (or my parents are paying) for a house that I don't live in. No more of this.
Also, we will have to go to the bank so I can be removed from the bank account and the credit card.
I have made a list of possessions that I would like to take. Compared to what you will get, it's pretty ******* reasonable. Please keep an open mind about it and don't give me a hard time. You are going to be keeping a LOT more than me. So, when it comes down to the money, it will be MORE than fair that you deal with the credit card debt, and I will repay my parents.
Please let me know what you think about this and when we can get moving on these things. The longer we wait, the harder it will be. I think I am being pretty reasonable about it.
Don't want to make threats, but if you don't agree to see the notary with me, I will have no choice but to fight you legally. I have spoken to my parents about this, they support this decision. I am not going to pay for a house I dont live in.
Also, we will have to go to the bank so I can be removed from the bank account and the credit card.
I have made a list of possessions that I would like to take. Compared to what you will get, it's pretty ******* reasonable. Please keep an open mind about it and don't give me a hard time. You are going to be keeping a LOT more than me. So, when it comes down to the money, it will be MORE than fair that you deal with the credit card debt, and I will repay my parents.
Please let me know what you think about this and when we can get moving on these things. The longer we wait, the harder it will be. I think I am being pretty reasonable about it.
Don't want to make threats, but if you don't agree to see the notary with me, I will have no choice but to fight you legally. I have spoken to my parents about this, they support this decision. I am not going to pay for a house I dont live in.
It's just not that easy. Look, your name is not only on the deed, it's on the mortgage. I've spoken to some people as well. The only way to get your name off the mortgage would be for me to refinance the home in my name.
Unfortunately, I probably don't make enough money to have the whole mortgage in my name and would have to pay some ridiculous interest rate.
I have no problem removing your name from the bank stuff.
Anyways, if you're still set in your decision. My immediate decision is that I can't afford the house on my own. You signed an agreement and you made a commitment to me that we would live in this house longterm and battle through any problems that may arise. You cannot just dipsy doodle your way out of this with no responsiblities.
I agreed to get a house because you said it would make you happy to be near your family and help you to stop drinking. I agreed to get a third cat because you said you needed something to take your mind off drinking. Look, I'm really not trying to be a jerk. I really really love you more than I think you understand. But basically, I'm now stuck here with a house I can't afford and 3 cats because you made promisses to me that you couldn't keep and I was stupid enough to believe them. I know you meant well. So did I. But I can't take responsibility for this.
If this is still your final decision and you're not willing to take a bit of time to think if this is what you actually really want, then I will have to take steps to sell the house. I'm am not going to ruin myself financially because of this.
Also, There is a clause in the deed that says the roof needs to be fixed before we sell. I will also need to refinish the basement before I can start the selling process. This will be expensive and you will pay for half of it. This is not only my problem.
I hope you understand that my ultimate goal is to try to avoid this and hopefully work things out between us. I love you very much. You are the woman I commited to spend the rest of my life with. However, I cannot allow myself to be a doormat any longer and if you really wish to make a major decision while you're still being affected by your pills and early recovery. Then I can't allow myself to suffer financially because of it and just let you walk out of this with nothing.
I figure the initial cost of doing the roof and the basement will be about $5000. You will have to figure out a way to have this money at your disposal so you can pay for half when I get the bills. Let me know when you think you will have this money ready if you want to proceed.
Also, We may very well lose money on the house and you will need to be prepared to cover half of the loss. This may be another $5000 for each of us.
Anyways, I'm not trying to scare you or threathen you. All I'm saying is that this is a major thing and you cannot take it lightly. I'm sure if you took me to court, they wouldn't let you walk away scott free.
Unfortunately, I probably don't make enough money to have the whole mortgage in my name and would have to pay some ridiculous interest rate.
I have no problem removing your name from the bank stuff.
Anyways, if you're still set in your decision. My immediate decision is that I can't afford the house on my own. You signed an agreement and you made a commitment to me that we would live in this house longterm and battle through any problems that may arise. You cannot just dipsy doodle your way out of this with no responsiblities.
I agreed to get a house because you said it would make you happy to be near your family and help you to stop drinking. I agreed to get a third cat because you said you needed something to take your mind off drinking. Look, I'm really not trying to be a jerk. I really really love you more than I think you understand. But basically, I'm now stuck here with a house I can't afford and 3 cats because you made promisses to me that you couldn't keep and I was stupid enough to believe them. I know you meant well. So did I. But I can't take responsibility for this.
If this is still your final decision and you're not willing to take a bit of time to think if this is what you actually really want, then I will have to take steps to sell the house. I'm am not going to ruin myself financially because of this.
Also, There is a clause in the deed that says the roof needs to be fixed before we sell. I will also need to refinish the basement before I can start the selling process. This will be expensive and you will pay for half of it. This is not only my problem.
I hope you understand that my ultimate goal is to try to avoid this and hopefully work things out between us. I love you very much. You are the woman I commited to spend the rest of my life with. However, I cannot allow myself to be a doormat any longer and if you really wish to make a major decision while you're still being affected by your pills and early recovery. Then I can't allow myself to suffer financially because of it and just let you walk out of this with nothing.
I figure the initial cost of doing the roof and the basement will be about $5000. You will have to figure out a way to have this money at your disposal so you can pay for half when I get the bills. Let me know when you think you will have this money ready if you want to proceed.
Also, We may very well lose money on the house and you will need to be prepared to cover half of the loss. This may be another $5000 for each of us.
Anyways, I'm not trying to scare you or threathen you. All I'm saying is that this is a major thing and you cannot take it lightly. I'm sure if you took me to court, they wouldn't let you walk away scott free.
I finally got a computer set up and she had written me the following:
I only have one thing to say about this, you have royally pissed me off. The money my parents lent us was supposed to be used to fix the roof. What did you do with it????? Do you ******* remember what you spent all of THEIR money on???? Cause I remember, and trust me, my Dad ******* remembers. And we WILL fight you on this one.
Also, I don't know why you had to hit me on weeknights. You know, it was really inconvenient for me and greatly affected my moods. I would have really appreciated it if you could have beaten me up on Friday evening's so that I would have been able to stress about it on the weekend.
Here's the deal. I made you a really great offer, and the list of things I wanted to keep was extremely reasonable. You were gonna get out of this with all of your "prized possessions". Since you don't want to do things the nice easy way, I went to my house today and picked up a few things to get this process started. First, I took everything that has sentimental value to me. Then, I took the computer. Just the box, so that I can get what's on my hard drive. I took some DVD's that I really love, and some old junk that means stuff to me, like my Fight Club soap. So, you don't have any leverage against me, I have everything I care about. You'll get the computer back as soon as I get what I want from it. I also took all of the legal documents AND all the receipts for the expensive ****.... yeah, that includes the TV.
So you wanna do this the hard way? Are you aware that everything purchased with the Visa is half mine, and that if we can't decide who gets what, legally we have to sell it and split the money?? Are you aware that this includes all the times you used OUR credit to pay off YOUR Future Shop card. You screwed yourself by transferring your debt over to me. Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to do that, was it? I am going to get copies of everything the credit card has been used for since we made it a joint account, and we are going to sell everything, and split the money. So, let me know when everything's ready to be sold so I can set something up. I know how you're going to retaliate... he computer was before we had joint stuff, so technically it's yours. And that's why I have it, so I can get what I want from it, then I'm bringing it back to you. It's all yours. I'm sure that after we sell all the other expensive things we own, I will have more than enough money to buy myself an amazing new computer. Or, what the hell, why spend all my money in one place?? I think I'll just buy a cheap laptop, like I always wanted.
Anyways, tomorrow I am going to contact a notary and have little chit chat about how all of this going to play out. I am going to have copies made of all of the receipts and all of the legal documents, and I will bring you the copies.
Here's what's going to happen with the roof and the basement. You spent about $800 of my parents money on your sound system, and if I remember correctly, although I was in the store with you, you never once asked me if that was ok. So you're going to sell it, and that's my half of the money for the roof. I have the inspector's report, he estimated $1500 for the repairs. So there's my half.
Also, if I remember correctly, which I always do, I never agreed to let you go ahead and destroy the basement. I specifically remember asking you to wait until we had money saved up for the renovations. You went ahead and destroyed it anyways. There's a reason why I never went down there to help you do it.... Guess what? I'm not paying for any renovations. We're just gonna have to sell the house the way it is. It's not my fault you don't think things through.
So it might be a good idea to start packing up some stuff, cause we're selling everything we bought together.
You had your chance to do this the nice way. You just ****** with the wrong person. I am going to beat the **** out of you with my brain. Cause I'm ******* smarter than you.
In case you can't tell already, I'm off the meds and I feel ******* fantastic.
Also, I don't know why you had to hit me on weeknights. You know, it was really inconvenient for me and greatly affected my moods. I would have really appreciated it if you could have beaten me up on Friday evening's so that I would have been able to stress about it on the weekend.
Here's the deal. I made you a really great offer, and the list of things I wanted to keep was extremely reasonable. You were gonna get out of this with all of your "prized possessions". Since you don't want to do things the nice easy way, I went to my house today and picked up a few things to get this process started. First, I took everything that has sentimental value to me. Then, I took the computer. Just the box, so that I can get what's on my hard drive. I took some DVD's that I really love, and some old junk that means stuff to me, like my Fight Club soap. So, you don't have any leverage against me, I have everything I care about. You'll get the computer back as soon as I get what I want from it. I also took all of the legal documents AND all the receipts for the expensive ****.... yeah, that includes the TV.
So you wanna do this the hard way? Are you aware that everything purchased with the Visa is half mine, and that if we can't decide who gets what, legally we have to sell it and split the money?? Are you aware that this includes all the times you used OUR credit to pay off YOUR Future Shop card. You screwed yourself by transferring your debt over to me. Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to do that, was it? I am going to get copies of everything the credit card has been used for since we made it a joint account, and we are going to sell everything, and split the money. So, let me know when everything's ready to be sold so I can set something up. I know how you're going to retaliate... he computer was before we had joint stuff, so technically it's yours. And that's why I have it, so I can get what I want from it, then I'm bringing it back to you. It's all yours. I'm sure that after we sell all the other expensive things we own, I will have more than enough money to buy myself an amazing new computer. Or, what the hell, why spend all my money in one place?? I think I'll just buy a cheap laptop, like I always wanted.
Anyways, tomorrow I am going to contact a notary and have little chit chat about how all of this going to play out. I am going to have copies made of all of the receipts and all of the legal documents, and I will bring you the copies.
Here's what's going to happen with the roof and the basement. You spent about $800 of my parents money on your sound system, and if I remember correctly, although I was in the store with you, you never once asked me if that was ok. So you're going to sell it, and that's my half of the money for the roof. I have the inspector's report, he estimated $1500 for the repairs. So there's my half.
Also, if I remember correctly, which I always do, I never agreed to let you go ahead and destroy the basement. I specifically remember asking you to wait until we had money saved up for the renovations. You went ahead and destroyed it anyways. There's a reason why I never went down there to help you do it.... Guess what? I'm not paying for any renovations. We're just gonna have to sell the house the way it is. It's not my fault you don't think things through.
So it might be a good idea to start packing up some stuff, cause we're selling everything we bought together.
You had your chance to do this the nice way. You just ****** with the wrong person. I am going to beat the **** out of you with my brain. Cause I'm ******* smarter than you.
In case you can't tell already, I'm off the meds and I feel ******* fantastic.
I don't get it. Isn't everything we did while we were still together part of the agreement. It's not like she told me to stop dismantelling the basement. We both knew we wanted it done eventually. She'd even come down and tell me how nice it looked.
Basically, I'm still getting over my hearbreak over this serious relationship and she's dumping all her crap on me like this. It doesn't feel right. I'd like to hear what you guys think or if you have any advice. I'm most likely going to look for a lawyer tomorrow as I can no longer see this ending peacefully.
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As far as the deed to the house goes, the original should be on file at the registrar of deeds office, which is what we call it in Arizona. County Registrar was the name of the office in Maryland, as I recall.
If you can identify what other legal documents she took, you may be able to replace them if they were filed with any of the courts or county government offices. Any further data you may need on the house should be with the settlement company.
She cannot just get her name taken off the house. You either have to buy her out or sell the house. If it goes into foreclosure, she goes down with you. The housing market tanked out here a year ago. However, some people have rented their homes in my neighborhood when they couldn't sell. The problem with renting is that renters sometimes trash the house. It may be your only alternative.
As far as things being split in half (according to her), it depends. Even a marriage of less than 10 years in Arizona (a community property state) is considered "short duration" and the judge does NOT necessarily split things down the middle.
She's doing some really major quacking. She also is sounding quite nasty. What set her off like this - any ideas? She's off her meds - what meds might they be? That might be the reason she is getting into fight mode.
I can understand that this behavior would have you freaked out - I would probably feel the same way! But you're dealing with (I assume) an active addict/alcoholic. Correct? A lot of what you are most likely hearing is noise, and nothing more. I hope she doesn't tell you that old schpiel that she'll take this to the Supreme Court if need be.
Okay. Take a minute. Breathe. Can you provide the what's, why's, and wherefore's of her behavior?
If you can identify what other legal documents she took, you may be able to replace them if they were filed with any of the courts or county government offices. Any further data you may need on the house should be with the settlement company.
She cannot just get her name taken off the house. You either have to buy her out or sell the house. If it goes into foreclosure, she goes down with you. The housing market tanked out here a year ago. However, some people have rented their homes in my neighborhood when they couldn't sell. The problem with renting is that renters sometimes trash the house. It may be your only alternative.
As far as things being split in half (according to her), it depends. Even a marriage of less than 10 years in Arizona (a community property state) is considered "short duration" and the judge does NOT necessarily split things down the middle.
She's doing some really major quacking. She also is sounding quite nasty. What set her off like this - any ideas? She's off her meds - what meds might they be? That might be the reason she is getting into fight mode.
I can understand that this behavior would have you freaked out - I would probably feel the same way! But you're dealing with (I assume) an active addict/alcoholic. Correct? A lot of what you are most likely hearing is noise, and nothing more. I hope she doesn't tell you that old schpiel that she'll take this to the Supreme Court if need be.
Okay. Take a minute. Breathe. Can you provide the what's, why's, and wherefore's of her behavior?
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 59
I would also like to explain this quote
I'm sure most of you know what it's like to live with an alcoholic partner. Especially one who is very stubborn. Basically, I can remember two times when I completely lost patience with her and things became physical. One time, I slapped her in the face. The second time, I roughly pushed the chair she was sitting on (a rolling computer chair) and it fell over.
She makes it sound like I'm this terrible person and I physically abused her constantly. I don't condemn my actions in away, I have to live with the fact that I let a woman that I love push me that far and I am forever sorry for it. I just think it's sad that she has to label me as this great abuser of women and is telling anyone who will listen about it. She's basically running around trying to make me look bad. All I ever did was love her and try to help and support her. (Mind you, I know now I was being very codependent and actually enabling her and making myself sicker).
This whole situation leaves me nautious.
Also, I don't know why you had to hit me on weeknights. You know, it was really inconvenient for me and greatly affected my moods. I would have really appreciated it if you could have beaten me up on Friday evening's so that I would have been able to stress about it on the weekend.
She makes it sound like I'm this terrible person and I physically abused her constantly. I don't condemn my actions in away, I have to live with the fact that I let a woman that I love push me that far and I am forever sorry for it. I just think it's sad that she has to label me as this great abuser of women and is telling anyone who will listen about it. She's basically running around trying to make me look bad. All I ever did was love her and try to help and support her. (Mind you, I know now I was being very codependent and actually enabling her and making myself sicker).
This whole situation leaves me nautious.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
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I think the reason addicts run around saying things contrary to the way they really were is because they are trying to convince themselves it was sooo bad that they had to leave. That is what she will say next she dumped you. That is their reality because THE TRUTH HURTS. If you say you are not like that then I wouldnt be to worried about what she is telling others.
Basically its alot of ranting and raving ya kinda sounds like QUACK QUACK QUACK.....
If I were you I would speak to a lawyer and figure out what you need to do to protect yourself. She is in no shape to figure anything out right now so I wouldnt be worried about her.
Take care. Try not to let it bother you to much......
Basically its alot of ranting and raving ya kinda sounds like QUACK QUACK QUACK.....
If I were you I would speak to a lawyer and figure out what you need to do to protect yourself. She is in no shape to figure anything out right now so I wouldnt be worried about her.
Take care. Try not to let it bother you to much......
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by prodigal 
She's doing some really major quacking. She also is sounding quite nasty. What set her off like this - any ideas? She's off her meds - what meds might they be? That might be the reason she is getting into fight mode.
I can understand that this behavior would have you freaked out - I would probably feel the same way! But you're dealing with (I assume) an active addict/alcoholic. Correct? A lot of what you are most likely hearing is noise, and nothing more. I hope she doesn't tell you that old schpiel that she'll take this to the Supreme Court if need be.
Okay. Take a minute. Breathe. Can you provide the what's, why's, and wherefore's of her behavior?
I can understand that this behavior would have you freaked out - I would probably feel the same way! But you're dealing with (I assume) an active addict/alcoholic. Correct? A lot of what you are most likely hearing is noise, and nothing more. I hope she doesn't tell you that old schpiel that she'll take this to the Supreme Court if need be.
Okay. Take a minute. Breathe. Can you provide the what's, why's, and wherefore's of her behavior?
My fiancee, the alcoholic: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
Dealing with space during recovery: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependency.html
You'll notice that my original post was less than a month ago. All of this happened in this period of time. My life has basically been turned completely upside down within a matter of weeks.
I'm not sure what set her off. Basically, she went on a tangeant and started reading about abusive relationships and decided she was in one. She thinks that I was dominating her and controlling her and preventing her from living her life. She kept pounding me with this stuff that I eventually believed that I was abusive.
I then found out about codependency and felt that this described my behavior and feelings much better. I was controlling because her disease was controlling me. I was controlling because I felt like everything in my life was spiraling out of control. I was controlling because I didn't think I had any other options. I was controlling because I thought I was saving her life.
I realize I'm responsible for parts of the downfall of our relationship, but I don't deserve this. I don't understand how anyone can treat someone they once loved this way. She basically just cut down on her meds and then completely lost it.
Also, apparently she's no longer an active alcoholic. She has been sober for 2 weeks. She has also stopped taking her medication. (Paxill, an anti-depressant).
I spoke with her parents and they told me that they hadn't advised her to seek legal council and that they would not pay for it. Her mom will talk to her about the legal documents tonight and will try to get her to calm down. Basically, she went from sleeping 16 hours a day to not taking her medication and being extra hyper and having her brain set to overdrive.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
When I first gave AH the news that I wanted to separate, all hell broke loose.
He ranted and raved:
threatened pursuing sole custody of our son,
said incredibly hurtful things about me "using him for his money",
resolutely refused to move out of the house (which really would have been easiest on everyone involved),
and blamed all of his drinking on me (and my unwillingness to have another child with him).
I got SO upset. It was terrible. I worried and fretted and feared
and
It was all just a bunch of hot air.
I got myself to a lawyer the next day and got the legal document process a rollin'. He completely backed down.
We actually get along well these days (although I still occasionally allow myself to be driven slightly crazy by him - I'm getting much better!).
Breathe deep and try not to panic.
Things are unlikely to turn out anywhere near as bleak as they seem tonight.
-TC
He ranted and raved:
threatened pursuing sole custody of our son,
said incredibly hurtful things about me "using him for his money",
resolutely refused to move out of the house (which really would have been easiest on everyone involved),
and blamed all of his drinking on me (and my unwillingness to have another child with him).
I got SO upset. It was terrible. I worried and fretted and feared
and
It was all just a bunch of hot air.
I got myself to a lawyer the next day and got the legal document process a rollin'. He completely backed down.
We actually get along well these days (although I still occasionally allow myself to be driven slightly crazy by him - I'm getting much better!).
Breathe deep and try not to panic.
Things are unlikely to turn out anywhere near as bleak as they seem tonight.
-TC
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by good_luck
Honestly, her emails sound reasonable to me. It seems like she wants to sever ties with you. Even if she is an alcoholic, she is entitled to do that.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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no worries. Under normal circumstances I would understand, but these are far from normal. It's not like I've been holding out for 6 months and letting things drag on.
Basically, what I'm most concerned about is the fact that she has gone through these intense jumps in moods for the past month.
- First, she wants to leave me.
-Then she wants to come back home.
-Then she starts drinking again.
-Then she attempts suicide and I have her sent to the hospital in an ambulance and spend the day there with her parents.
-Then she stops drinking for a week. She starts to get more active.
-Then she decides she wants to go party with all her friends and not have me along.
-Then she gets very distant and tells me she needs space
-Telling me she loves me and wouldn't know where she would be without me.
-Then I find out she's online looking for one night stands
-Then she leaves me again after I confront her about it.
-Then she stops taking her medication starts seeing someone else talking to her mom about how her life is great and she's going to get help and go back to school and get another job.
-All while trying to speed up this seperation as quickly as she can and trying to figure out ways to dump me with all her responsibilities.
It's amazing. How can someone go from attempting suicide to bouncing off the walls happy and seeing other men all while going through a seperation involving a home. All within a few weeks.
I believe she has a mental disorder. In the last phases of her alcoholism, she had started talking to herself. Yelling at herself. Hitting things that were beside her. I confronted her a few times to ask her who she was talking to. She simply replied... "them" and pointed to an empty corner.
She's obviously mentally unstable. I'm just not sure how to deal with this whole situation. You really don't want to upset a person like that. There's no telling what her next thoughts or actions will be.
Basically, what I'm most concerned about is the fact that she has gone through these intense jumps in moods for the past month.
- First, she wants to leave me.
-Then she wants to come back home.
-Then she starts drinking again.
-Then she attempts suicide and I have her sent to the hospital in an ambulance and spend the day there with her parents.
-Then she stops drinking for a week. She starts to get more active.
-Then she decides she wants to go party with all her friends and not have me along.
-Then she gets very distant and tells me she needs space
-Telling me she loves me and wouldn't know where she would be without me.
-Then I find out she's online looking for one night stands
-Then she leaves me again after I confront her about it.
-Then she stops taking her medication starts seeing someone else talking to her mom about how her life is great and she's going to get help and go back to school and get another job.
-All while trying to speed up this seperation as quickly as she can and trying to figure out ways to dump me with all her responsibilities.
It's amazing. How can someone go from attempting suicide to bouncing off the walls happy and seeing other men all while going through a seperation involving a home. All within a few weeks.
I believe she has a mental disorder. In the last phases of her alcoholism, she had started talking to herself. Yelling at herself. Hitting things that were beside her. I confronted her a few times to ask her who she was talking to. She simply replied... "them" and pointed to an empty corner.
She's obviously mentally unstable. I'm just not sure how to deal with this whole situation. You really don't want to upset a person like that. There's no telling what her next thoughts or actions will be.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Have you talked to an attorney about all this? It sounds like you need some sound legal advice so you know what your options are. And talk to someone who can give you information on whether you can afford to refinance. She can indeed sign a quit claim and get her name off the deed but she remains on the mortgage and responsibile for it unless you sell or refinance in your name.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I have no idea. I suppose it's possible. But even if she does and can, I don't think it doesn't materially changes the situation. She would still be on the mortgage. Consult an attorney to get the real answers.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Despair: If she's not an attorney, then she has no idea what will be what in the end and a notary can't do anything for her. Their only purpose is to attest to the fact that you both signed in front of her and you are who you say you are.
I bought a house with my ex addict bf years ago. He decided to move out and left me holding the bag with the house. I was 22 at the time, so it was a bit of a mess. Anyway, he was paying half the mortgage when he left to go live with his crack-head girlfriend. He got fired from his job and then quit paying for 6 months. I went to see an attorney provided by my undergraduate school. The quit claim deed will only get her name off of the house, however, she is still responsible for the mortgage. My ex eventually quit claimed to me. He was still on the rope for the mortgage, but because he quit claimed out, I carried it until I sold the house 4 years later. The only problem was getting him to close at the end. I still gave him a small percentage of what we made and he was more than happy to take it because he was broke and needed a fix.
As far as maintenance on the house and back mortgage for the months he didn't pay, the attorney I worked with in AZ told me that he was responsible for half of everything. I let it go because it wasn't worth going after him. He was too far gone anyway.
The point being, in the end, you need to consult with an attorney who can tell you what's what in all of this.
Off the quit claim subject - Take care of yourself. You'll figure this out eventually.
I bought a house with my ex addict bf years ago. He decided to move out and left me holding the bag with the house. I was 22 at the time, so it was a bit of a mess. Anyway, he was paying half the mortgage when he left to go live with his crack-head girlfriend. He got fired from his job and then quit paying for 6 months. I went to see an attorney provided by my undergraduate school. The quit claim deed will only get her name off of the house, however, she is still responsible for the mortgage. My ex eventually quit claimed to me. He was still on the rope for the mortgage, but because he quit claimed out, I carried it until I sold the house 4 years later. The only problem was getting him to close at the end. I still gave him a small percentage of what we made and he was more than happy to take it because he was broke and needed a fix.
As far as maintenance on the house and back mortgage for the months he didn't pay, the attorney I worked with in AZ told me that he was responsible for half of everything. I let it go because it wasn't worth going after him. He was too far gone anyway.
The point being, in the end, you need to consult with an attorney who can tell you what's what in all of this.
Off the quit claim subject - Take care of yourself. You'll figure this out eventually.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 59
Yeah. I just really wished we didn't have to go through anything legal. It all seems like such a hassle.
I just don't understand why everything needs to be done and over with right this minute. It's not like I'm going anywhere. It's not like the house is going anywhere. It's not like she actually has a job that she's losing money on to pay for the mortgage.
It's obviously too soon and none of can be civil about things because we are both too emotionally high strung. Anyways, I will look into finding an attorney today. I really hoped it wouldn't come to this point. Especially so fast.
I just don't understand why everything needs to be done and over with right this minute. It's not like I'm going anywhere. It's not like the house is going anywhere. It's not like she actually has a job that she's losing money on to pay for the mortgage.
It's obviously too soon and none of can be civil about things because we are both too emotionally high strung. Anyways, I will look into finding an attorney today. I really hoped it wouldn't come to this point. Especially so fast.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Regarding the roof - you can get 15 year shingles instead of the typical 30 year ones - much cheaper. A lot of small, local roofing companies will reduce the price even more (one told me up to 1K) if you remove the shingles yourself - not sure if that would work for you. I just replaced my roof this year - because the people who built the house used 15 year shingles
I'd like to call her behaviour as I see it - Abuse.
What's worse than being with an abusive alcoholic for years? Being with an abusive alcholic for years...plus one day.
I'd like to call her behaviour as I see it - Abuse.
What's worse than being with an abusive alcoholic for years? Being with an abusive alcholic for years...plus one day.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Hey Despair,
Welcome back, sorry to hear things are going poorly.
I was struck by something you said, "but this all just happened less then week ago"
I was saying that every week for over a year, it was just a new "story"
I kept saying, Look what she's "doing" "to" me
My friends, who are all in recovery kept saying two things
She stopped "doing" things to you after the first time, after that you were "doing" it to yourself by going back
There must be something "in" you to make you keep going back
I absolutely did not understand what they were trying to say, but look what she's doing to me, look what she's doing to me I kept saying as I headed back for more punishment
The hurtful things she did were not to be believed, For some reason after a period of time she had to "destabilize" me, then would deny it, for some reason she needed to "make" me an emotional basket case, then point the finger at how messed up I was and how "great" she was. I t was bizarre but I kept. going. back.
OK, here's where the rubber hit the road for me.
I realized at some point I got addicted to feeling bad, to feeling hurt. At some point I got addicted to being in a morass of hurt and self pity, wallowing in a big vat of victimhood and finger pointing.
I needed to realize that this all just didn't "happen" this week.
This is just the latest chapter in the same book.
The Choice now is when I chose to close that book and move on to a better one.
Her behavior didn't change when I moved on, just my perception of it did, now, instead of feeling all "wound up" and "wounded" I actually feel really sorry for her when she engaged in behavior to hurt me. It's actually kind of pathetic now, like "Wow, that's really a sad attempt at control...eewwww....it is...it's really pathetic, it's really very sad."
It's really sad someone has to lash out like that to hurt another human being in order to feel good about themself.
It's sadder to get addicted to being the one being "lashed"
For me to "get well" her actions had to stop mattering to me.
Anyhow, that's what needed to change for me, was me, not her, I was the only one that was ever "surprised" by her behavior, and truthfully, I wasn't surprised, I stayed with an untreated alcoholic, they are like puppies, they can't help crapping all over the carpet and you, but after a certain point in time I had to make a decision to take responsibility for myself, my actions and my feelings, and take my power back, and in doing so, I found freedom.
Might be worth a thought.
Welcome back, sorry to hear things are going poorly.
I was struck by something you said, "but this all just happened less then week ago"
I was saying that every week for over a year, it was just a new "story"
I kept saying, Look what she's "doing" "to" me
My friends, who are all in recovery kept saying two things
She stopped "doing" things to you after the first time, after that you were "doing" it to yourself by going back
There must be something "in" you to make you keep going back
I absolutely did not understand what they were trying to say, but look what she's doing to me, look what she's doing to me I kept saying as I headed back for more punishment
The hurtful things she did were not to be believed, For some reason after a period of time she had to "destabilize" me, then would deny it, for some reason she needed to "make" me an emotional basket case, then point the finger at how messed up I was and how "great" she was. I t was bizarre but I kept. going. back.
OK, here's where the rubber hit the road for me.
I realized at some point I got addicted to feeling bad, to feeling hurt. At some point I got addicted to being in a morass of hurt and self pity, wallowing in a big vat of victimhood and finger pointing.
I needed to realize that this all just didn't "happen" this week.
This is just the latest chapter in the same book.
The Choice now is when I chose to close that book and move on to a better one.
Her behavior didn't change when I moved on, just my perception of it did, now, instead of feeling all "wound up" and "wounded" I actually feel really sorry for her when she engaged in behavior to hurt me. It's actually kind of pathetic now, like "Wow, that's really a sad attempt at control...eewwww....it is...it's really pathetic, it's really very sad."
It's really sad someone has to lash out like that to hurt another human being in order to feel good about themself.
It's sadder to get addicted to being the one being "lashed"
For me to "get well" her actions had to stop mattering to me.
Anyhow, that's what needed to change for me, was me, not her, I was the only one that was ever "surprised" by her behavior, and truthfully, I wasn't surprised, I stayed with an untreated alcoholic, they are like puppies, they can't help crapping all over the carpet and you, but after a certain point in time I had to make a decision to take responsibility for myself, my actions and my feelings, and take my power back, and in doing so, I found freedom.
Might be worth a thought.
Last edited by Ago; 11-18-2008 at 07:19 AM.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
what you say describes her as having episodes of delusion. i have seen this also with my aw. it is tragic to see a loved one deteriorate like this.
you or her parents cannot control her. speak to a lawyer.
my heart goes out to both of you
you or her parents cannot control her. speak to a lawyer.
my heart goes out to both of you
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