Despair

Hi, I've been reading the forums for about 2 weeks and felt like it was my time to share. Here is my story.

I'm 27 and my financee is 26. I met my fiancee about 3 1/2 years ago. Everything was great. We loved eachother so much and couldn't stop spending enough time together. We ended up getting engaged. She has always been drinking since I knew her but I never knew it was a problem until about 1 year ago. I just always assumed it was just going out and partying with friends. We would go out 2 or 3 times a week and drink quite a bit but wouldn't drink unless it was socially. We ended up moving in together and shortly after, we both started drinking daily. Nothing crazy, just having 2 or 3 beers a day while watching tv and spending time together. I started to realize there was a problem when she would drink more than me. She's half my size and would drink twice as much as me. I would be feeling pretty loopy and couldn't understand how she could drink so much. I really noticed there was a problem when I decided I wouldn't drink for a few days and found I was having a really hard time (withdrawals). Our financial situation was getting bad, we would live paycheck to paycheck and always spend every last cent until the next pay period.

I mentioned to her that I thought we may be developping a dependency to alcohol and that we should try to cut down. She agreed. No matter what she tried, she was never able to cut down. She would think about drinking all day and then rush to the store as soon as she got home. She would blame drinking on stress at work and having a bad day and just needing a few beers to sooth her nerves.

Many months of this continued. I would take a few days off drinking just to make sure I was keeping tabs on myself so I would know that I could quit drinking if I wanted. She just kept getting worse. We started getting into arguments about her drinking. I started nagging her and lecturing her everytime she picked up a drink. I've tried taking away her bank cards and credit cards. I've tried banning alcohol from the home. I've tried pooring out her alcohol to no avail. She kept saying she was drinking because she wasn't comfortable where we were living and wanted to move closer to her family. She had the bright idea that she wanted to buy a house so she could find peace in gardening and maintaining the home to keep her busy. I was insistent on getting an appartment and trying to mend our relationship before we comitted to buying a house. Regretfully, she convinced me that paying rent is virtually useless and we might as well invest in a property. I was clinging to hope that moving to a quietter suburb and closer to her family would keep her busy and make it easier to quit her drinking. (If I only knew then what I knew now).

Instead of getting better, her drinking got worse. She would try to diminish quantity but if she ran out of booze before the store closed, she would tell me she's going out for a cigarette and run out of the house to buy alcohol and drink in the park. If the stores were closed and she ran out, she would go to a bar (spend $15 for a cab just for 1 hours worth of drinking before the bar closes).

She started losing control of how much she would drink. She drank until she passed out and became beligerant. I've had to carry her home more times that I would like to remember.

She strated feeling anxious and depressed and went to see a phsyciatrist. She would lie to him about how much she drank. He prescribed her Ativan and Paxil. She became more depressed and kept drinking heavily even though she was on anti-depressants. She had a nervous breakdown at work and took a 2 month sick leave. During these 2 months she would drink until she fell asleep and wake up around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. She wouldn't contribute to the housework or do any of the gardening she claimed she was looking forward to. One night she ended up going to a bar and admitted that she made out with some guy. This was devastating to me. She finally agreed that she had a serious problem and needed to stop. She gave me her bank cards and wrote out a plan of trying to cut down on drinking. This didn't work. She would threathen me to buy her beer or she would have to call some guys and get them to buy her drinks. I always caved. She ended up quitting her job. There was no way I could afford to support her drinking habit. We got in many arguments over this. One day she left and went to go her parents house. She ended up running out of beer and went to the bar down the street. Luckily, I had already spoken to her family about her alcohol issues. Her brother went to find her at the bar. She was passed out at the counter and had some ill-intentioned men standing around her. He ended up bringing her back home. Who knows what would have happened if he hadn't have gone to check on her.

This was another awakening moment for her. She decided to call her Aunt (an recovering alcoholic) and go to an AA meeting with her. She had her ups and downs for a few weeks but finally managed 5 weeks sobriety. She was really into her program.

I was on cloud 9. I felt all my prayers had been answered. Unfortunately, I didn't know that I was also sick. So much lying, lack of trust and pent up anger and resentment in me. I expected everything to go back to normal as soon as she stopped drinking. I began pressing her to get a job. Calling her 3 or 4 times a day to make sure she was awake and not drinking. Checking on her e-mails to make sure she wasn't making plans to go out drinking. Pressing her to clean the house. She ended up getting a job and enjoyed it. She took on more than she could handle. She was working 60 hours a week and at the same time I was pushing her to do more work around the house. She relapsed.

I was devastated again. I kept trying to convince her to go back to her meetings. She kept drinking.

I pressed to hard. 3 weeks ago she left me. She said I was being too controlling and too demanding. She needed time to herself. In the same breath she told me she thought she had feelings for her ex boyfriend. I was in turmoil. The woman that I had loved so much and spent so much time worrying for and giving every ounce of my attention to was considering leaving me for an old flame. She went to her parents house again. I was in shock, I never thought she would leave me. I attended my first alanon meeting 2 days later. The meeting opened my eyes to everything I was doing wrong. The nagging, the lecturing, the trying to control her drinking. I finally accepted that it was a disease and that I could not cure it and I could not control it. I immersed myself in alanon literature and found a lot of help within the books and these forums. A few days after she left, we got in touch again. She had been going to meetings again and was doing better. I told her that I saw the errors in my ways and that I would keep going to alanon and keep reading the literature and trying to find myself some help as much as I could.

I took some time for myself and travelled back to my home town to spend with my family and friends. I felt a lot better. Until that evening, she had called me and said she went out with her ex-boyfriend the night before and ended up drinking a ton. She confessed her love to him and assured me that nothing happened between them that night. She felt stupid and ashamed. I tried to remind her that she is very confused at the moment and that she shouldn't do anything drastic. You're not supposed to make any major decisions for the 1st year of sobriety. She agreed. She agreed to come back home and try to work things out.


This is where we were at one week ago. I've been doing my best to let her live her life and not interfere with her drinking. She cries almost every night because she wants to stop drinking and cannot. I encourage her to go to meetings and try not to nag or lecture. I am still unable to trust her because of the things she has done. I keep checking her phone to make sure she is not contacting her ex, I've been trying to stop, but it's very difficult. I do not want to be hurt like this anymore. She has comitted to going to rehab. She has made appointments and phone calls and is waiting to hear back from people.

This week has been very difficult for me. She still says that she isn't sure if she still loves me. This hurts so much to hear. Last monday, she was drinking and ran out. She started crying because she knew she was going to go to the bar for more. I told her that I wouldn't be driving her to the bar anymore and she would have to take a cab. She did. There was no way I could go to sleep even though I had to work the next day. I ended up driving to the bar to check on her. She's 26 and beautiful and drinks so much she blacks out. I am so concerned that she will make a mistake that will render this relationship un fixable. Good thing I went to the bar. I found her talking to all the guys at the bar. She wasn't happy that I followed her and wouldn't speak to me. I told her to just pretend I wasn't there and that I'm just here to make sure she's safe and gets home ok. That night, she ended up asking a guy if he would like to sleep with her. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!! Luckily, when she went to the bathroom earlier I went up to this guy and told him I was her fiancee and that she is an alcoholic and she is currently blacked out and will not remember anything in the morning. He politely declined knowing I was there. She also got another guys phone number... RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!! I cannot even begin to explain the feelings of betrayal that I felt at that moment. I hate thinking of what would've happened had I not gone to the bar to make sure she was ok. Thanks to AlAnon, I was able to stand there and keep my cool througout this whole ordeal. The bar closed and I litterally had to drag her out of there kicking and screaming. The bar patrons where looking at me as if I was some kind of rapist. I didn't know what else to do. She couldn't even keep her eyes open or do up her coat. She was falling everywhere. I couldn't just leave her. As I suspected, the next day she did not remember any of the nights events and when I told her what happened she began bawling her eyes out. She thanked me for saving her and appologized profusely for hurting me so much. She told me again how much she needed help.

I told her that I couldn't allow this behavior to go on. We had to come up with a plan to keep her in the house while she was drinking. I can't stay up worrying about her all night when I have a job to do the next morning. We came up with a solution of overstocking the house with beer. Basically buying twice as much as she would normally drink to make sure she doesn't run out before the bar closes.

She still will not tell me she loves me, or hug me. She still says she is unsure about her feelings for her ex. The past 2 days she has beend drinking about 12 beers a night and going to bed at 5am. Then sleeping until 7pm and starting all over. I am trying not to meddle as she is waiting to hear back from rehab centers and consellors. She went to another AA meeting yesterday, came home and proceeded to drink 12 beers. I had to drag her off the floor and put her in bed at 6:30am this morning. I couldn't sleep again. She was typing on her computer all night. I don't know who she was writting to. I'm so suspicious but I don't want to press the issue. I just want to make it until Tuesday (she has a meeting with a drug conselor to be admitted into rehab at 9am, hopefully she wakes up). I looked on her myspace page this morning and noticed that she changed her status to Single last night. This hurts me so much as well. I feel like I am doing everything to make this relationship work and she just wants to quit. I want to bring up the single issue when I see her this afternoon... but don't want to push things. I don't want her to think too much about our relationship right now even thought that's all I'm thinking about. I want to give her time to get better but this is getting ridiculous. She is almost out of money from her last paycheck. I told her that I can't afford to support her habit once she runs out of money.

I am so hurt and lost I can't even describe it. This wonderful person that I've loved for so long is just wasting away and doesn't seem to care. It is so difficult for me not to talk about it with her.

I don't know what to do anymore. I know I have to start taking care of myself. But it seems like she's so close to being admitted to a rehab program. I'm just trying to tough it out a little longer until I get some answers. I plan on continuing to go to al anon meetings regardless and I plan on really working on myself while she is in rehab. I just wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something where to happen to her or if she ended up cheating on me when she is so close to getting help.

I realize that things might not work out for us after she gets sober. She'll still have to make up her mind of if she wants to work on our relationship or persue her ex-boyfriend. I just don't want her to make that decision in the state of mind she's in. I'm hoping I can hang on for a little while longer but I'm truely at my wits end. I can't go on like this for much longer. I'm starting to show up late for work or not showing up at all because I've spent all night worrying about who she's talking to or what she's doing..



Sorry for the long post. I could write a ton more but fear I will start crying at work if I get into more detail. Any advice on what I can do to try to maintain my serenity for the next week or so?

I've been repeating the Serentiy prayer every day. It has helped alot. I have made a consious effort to not nag her or pester her or spy on her phone calls or browsing history but it's eating me up inside. It's all I think about and I have to force myself to give her space. I now realize that her alcoholism has turned me into a person I don't want to be. I just want her to go to rehab so I know she'll be safe and spend the time working on myself. Any advice? Pray for me that I make it through the next couple of days.

ToughChoices

Welcome to the forum, Despair.
I'm sorry that you are finding yourself in such a difficult situation.

It sounds as though your fiance is in the throes of a terribly self-destructive phase in her addiction. I have seen the person I love behave in a similar fashion, and I know the pain of watching a loved one hurt him/herself and all of those around him/her.

Like you, I wanted so desperately to save my A from the destruction - to keep him from making mistakes that would render our life together impossible.

But, ultimately, there was nothing I could do to save him.
I could follow, remind, lecture, listen, advise, pour out, scream, lie, and confess.
His path was not mine to alter.
It was a hard lesson to learn.

Following her to the bar may keep her from going home with a random stranger tonight, but you can't follow her every night.
Even if you could, would you want to?
Would that be the kind of life that you've always dreamed of?

You deserve to live in happiness and peace. You deserve to achieve your dreams.

I'm thinking of you today.
Peace.
-TC

Despair

I agree with this. I'm having a hard enough time with having done it once. I'm just telling myself that it's the disease talking. I know it's not her true self. She is ever so remorsefull in the morning and I know she wouldn't do these things under normal circumstances.

The only reason I'm still battling this is because she seems very serious about getting help as soon as possible. She has called numbers and made appointments on her own.

I just keep telling myself that if I can hang on and protect her for just a little while longer it might end up being worth it. I know we can have a happy life together if we can get our diseases under control.

I've given myself a deadline. She needs to follow through with her appointment on Tuesday and have a date for admittance into rehab. If she does not, I will have to cut my losses. I just can't do this anymore.

That brings on a whole other set of problems. We're not in the greatest financial situation and both our names are on the mortgage. I don't feel I should pay for the house by myself while I wait for it to sell. Also, due to the economy, we will most likely incur a loss on the sale of the house.

I'd hate to add to her problems, but I cannot simply accept all responsiblity for her inability to keep a job and her constant drinking.

However, since she is unemployed, I don't know where she would come up with the money and I'd feel terrible if she had to get her parents to pay for her mistakes. All I know is that there's no way I can afford to let her just pack her things and go.

sigh....

Thanks for your kind words.

prodigal

I understand your concern for her. You love her and want to do everything you can to help her maintain sobriety.

This is the hard part, and it is tragic: (1) you cannot protect her from her addiction; she alone owns it; you do not; (2) you have no responsibility whatsoever for her inability to keep a job; (3) you have no responsibility whatsoever for her constant drinking.

I am speaking from the experience I lived through with my AH. Three detox/rehabs later, and he's still drinking himself to death. I made arrangements for two of the in-patient facilities - called our insurance company, made sure a bed was ready for him, drove him to the facility (he drank up until the minute he walked in the doors), stayed in contact with his counselors, visited him on "family days."

And I was absolutely ENRAGED when I came home in May '05 to find him passed out drunk on our dining room floor. That was less than three weeks out of the rehab I had worked so hard to get him into.

Fast forward to June '06: he's back in another rehab. This time, my antennae were up. I knew half-way through the 28-day program, he wasn't going to make it. And, after 16 days out, he was drunk again.

I had been going to Al-Anon seriously since early '04. This time, I started working my own program. I detached. I let him go. And I realized I did not figure into the equation of his drinking one single solitary bit.

I am very, very sorry you are having so much pain and heartache. But you are still enabling. As hard as it is, please consider stepping back and letting her find her bottom. She may and she may not. I know it hurts and I know it's hard.

Ultimately, I saved my life and my sanity when I let my AH go about the business of pursuing his addiction. And I no longer take any of it personally. I can't. The cost of doing so is too high.

Despair

I know I am still enabling. That's why I have set myself a deadline. Meaning that if she doesn't help herself now as she says she will I will be forced to let her go and make her own mistakes.

I'm hoping and praying that it does not get to this point as I know that the mistakes she will make will destroy any hopes of us having a future relationship. But I am preparing myself mentally. Hopefully it won't be so much of a shock if I have to truly let her go next week.

denny57

Welcome, Despair, glad you're here!

By the end of my 18 year relationship (15 year marriage), xAH was still flirting with and trying to pick up other women RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

I spent all those years thinking and hoping he'd finally wake up to the prize he had. What I didn't realize is that I really was no prize - I was someone who would allow a man to pick up women RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! Why on earth would he respect me when I didn't respect myself?

My hope for you is that you do not suffer the indignity of such treatment for as many years as I did.

Good luck with your own recovery and keep posting!

prodigal

You may let her go physically, but there will still be emotional ties. There always are when we are in a relationship with another. Have you given Al-Anon and/or counseling a try? I let my AH go, but it hurt deeply for a long time. And I had to grieve the loss.

Please take care of yourself, and keep us posted on your situation.

GiveLove

Hi despair,

I hope that your Tuesday comes and it proves to be the positive step you're hoping for.

But I would urge you to get involved in some kind of counseling, and Al-Anon meetings or other addiction-specific or codependency-specific groups, to build yourself a support group.

You did not cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it. But you can take steps to rebuild yourself, and find your way back to happiness again, no matter what choices she makes.

Despair

Yes I have been going to AlAnon for 2 weeks. This is when I have made an effort to stop lecturing her or trying to reason with her when she wants to have a drink or pressure her to go to her meetings.

I used to buy her alcohol but now I have stopped. We used to have a joint account and I have taken away her cards. Cashed her last check, charged her rent and half the groceries and gave her the rest. I told her that once she is out of money, I will not support her habit any longer.

I don't give her a hard time if she wants to drink anymore even though I still have a hard time with it.

I am also not expecting anything. I have set my deadline and I intend to follow through with it.

GiveLove

Good, strong boundaries all. Good luck to you.

marshallzhukov

Sir,
I am terribly sorry for all that you are going through, I know it must be tremendously frustrating. Just a few pieces of advice that I thought might be useful, in no particular order.
First, although you mentioned your fiancee was looking into rehabs, I should warn you that a lot of A's will tell their significant others that they are doing just that but are not being sincere, and have no real intention of going. They know that just by saying that they are 'looking into it' that that will get the heat off of their backs for at least one more day, which is typically all that the A really cares about. If either you or her find a place, you must not allow her to procrastinate, or say 'maybe I am not sure' or 'it is too expensive,' etc., etc. At the right time, it has to be decision time, fish or cut bait, you are going or I am out of here. Perhaps her family could be of use by applying additional pressure. Is her family aware of the extent of her problem? A lot of time family members or friends who are not living with the A do not see any of their problems so they think that the co-dependent is exaggerating or blaming the A for their own problems. Don't forget the power of denial.
Second, rehabs are no silver bullet, and like Prodigal said, a lot of people come out of rehab and are drinking again within days, sometimes even the same day they come out. However, a lot of inpatient rehabs are thirty days or maybe forty-five at the most, and then the A is turned out into the real world again before they can handle it. If you do get your fiancee into a rehab they will likely emphasize, and you should insist on, that she go into some kind of long term aftercare program/halfway house, preferably a women's house. Although the odds for someone getting sober and staying sober forever are never good, the odds are many times better if the person is in a long term program after rehab. In such an environment she would still be able to work during the day and presumably cover the costs of at least her own continuing care if not your mortgage as well, but moreover she would be in a supervised and structured environment where she can work on not drinking as well as attending AA and working on her own personal issues. A common saying around AA is 'you (the A) didn't get sick overnight, and you're not going to get well overnight either,' implying that the recovery process is a lengthy one and thirty days in a rehab is not going to cut it. And you should remember that most people who go to rehab are not planning on quitting drinking for good, they are just going to get the heat off of their back, whether that is parents, a spouse, the law, an employer, whoever. However in a small percentage of those that do go to rehab there is something that clicks while they are there that makes them want to make a genuine effort to reform. That having been said, all that rehabs can do is give the A the tools that are necessary for them to live life sober, they can do nothing for an A who is committed to drinking again after leaving.
Third, as you have already alluded to, you should do some serious work on yourself, and if she is out of the house for an extended period of time than you will have the opportunity to do that. Al-Anon is everywhere, and there is extensive literature on the disease out there and of course you also have forums like this. Although you said that her family are not living with her you might suggest that they go about doing the same as well, because in all likelihood they have been part of the problem.
Lastly in all likelihood if she is blacking out as much as you say she is than these attempted flings with other guys are probably not sincere and not something that she would be doing if she did in fact get sober for good. Although I am sure that your personal situation is a lot more complex than what you managed to describe in your lengthy post, it sounds like there might still be hope for her and your relationship but it is going to take considerable hard work on both your parts.
I wish you all the best.

DesertEyes

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sslusser

a

sslusser

Welcome. I am pretty new here too. This is a wonderful place full of caring people and a great source of peace.

From experience I can tell you that following through on letting go is every bit as hard as watching the A destroy themselves. Maybe it is harder because you don't know what is going on and your imagination goes nutty. Your are going to feel like you have totally abandoned her.

I keep hoping that someday my AW will wake up a realize that I was the one who loved her enough to let her go.

Where does her family stand in all of this? You said you moved into a house to be closer to them. Do they support your letting her go?

veni

Hi Despair,
I am also new here and I am in exactly the same situation. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and is trying to get help for more than 2 years. All the humiliation and unhappiness didn't give me a good lesson and we bought a house together only 3 months ago. He has been 2 times in the hospital (not rehab) - he was found almost death on the street. Believe me it is not nice to get the ambulance personnel on his mobile phone when you try to call him to ask if he is ok and where is he and hear that he is in a vrey critical condition in the intensive care.
Well this last experience kept hem sober for about 30 days (not even), he promised he would do 90 meetings in 90 days (obviously he stopped before 30 ), he promised but nothing changed.
Yesterday he was on his way to another AA meetings after I think a whole week of drinking (he is hiding, doesn't drink too much but the quantity is not important is it?) but didn't reach to his destination - after couple of phone calls I found him with another AA body drunk and searching for money to get more alcohol. Luckily I was able to get him in my car (we still don;t know where his car is and his telephone either) and tried to drive home. He tried to jump out of the car couple of times so I decided I would leave him to sleep at his parents' place. ONly his mother was at home. And she hesitated to open the door...and she asked what is she supposed to do with him...and she said that she would drive him to our house if I was uncomfortable driving with him in my car because it was dangerous... I left and I said that I don't want him tonight in my house. So he slept on her couch. She has to bring him soon and we have to go to search for his car.
Honestly I had a good night, I woke up and felt good, did things that I could never do if he was here. I enjoyed it.
I have been to Al-Anon meetings, but since I am not Dutch and I live in the Netherlands couldn't understand very well and i was not able to express my self good either, I only cried at these meetings and stopped attending. Yesterday evening when I came back I searched and may be there are English speaking meetings here - I wait for an answer. I want to get help for myself.
Would he get some help and get better?
Is there hope?
As I said I am new, have read some of the posts, but my question is do miracles exist? Is the only solution to let go and take my own path and he his own?

Despair

I'm pretty sure she's serious about it. I know for a fact that she's called her phsyciatrist and tried to get into detox at the hospital. He referred her to another number and said he would put in a recommendation. I see on her notepad that she has taken down names and numbers. I also know that she has an appointment on Tuesday to be admitted to a rehabilitation center. I know she is serious about quitting as I have caught her crying while I wasn't around about how she truly wishes to quit drinking and stop putting her loved ones in such an awkward situation. She says she is unhappy with what she is doing to herself and knows she has been put on this earth to serve a better purpose.




Yes, I have spoken to her family about the issue. Her mother attended her first alanon meeting with me this week. I have spoken to her about the extent of the problem and about the issues with the other men. I can't bring myself to talk about that to her father.[/quote]

We will cross that bridge when we come to it. My first and immediate concern is that she get immediate help. We'll see how she feels and how I feel once she has gone through rehab. Meaning, I'll have to judge for myself how serious she is about recovery and make a decision for myself then.

This is what I'm planning on doing.

This is what I'm hoping. I know she wasn't like this for the first 3 years. She thinks cheating is a sin. I know it's the disease talking and it's what I keep repeating to myself to keep me sane.


Thanks for the reply. I appreciate your post. I feel much better after reading.

Despair

Her family is supportive. I don't believe they would throw her on the street but they will definately not tolerate her bahivior. Her mother is a basketcase and worries a lot. She tells me that I have a heart of gold and that I would probably be better off without her. I just told her that I didn't ask her daughter to marry me so I could just run away as soon as things get bad. It's a life long commitment and I won't be giving up until we've tried everything in our power.



Also, a little update. She didn't drink at all yesterday. Probably the first day since her relapse. Mind you she drank so heavily the night before that she slept until 9pm. She then woke up and was determined to not drink so she took a sleeping pill to go back to bed. That didn't work. She was up from 1am and just came back to bed @ 9am. When I woke up I checked the fridge and the case of beer was still closed. As much as this is a small step, I'm still proud of her. But I also know she can't just take sleeping pills to quit drinking. But, her phsyciatrist says the pills are non addictive. He tries to make sure to not give her any more addictive substances as he knows about her addictive personality.

Small victory for yesterday and we'll hope for more of the same today. I know she said she was planning on going to another meeting tonight. We'll see what she does.

Another positive. I haven't slept this well in ages. Even if she was awake all night. It is so refreshing.

Reminder

Hi Despair:

I am not going to tell you what you should or should not do. I will say the following: If she doesn't give you real hope that things will be better in the future, then all you have left is false hope. Do you want to spend the rest of your life wishing and hoping for no good reason? Only you can decide, and only she can give you real hope.

Peace

denny57

About 6 years into my marriage my MIL said this to me. Nine years later I got divorced. I have come to appreciate what others can see more clearly than I regarding situations I am emotionally tied to.

Good luck!

Despair

Well... things came crashing down tonight. After another 12 beers, my beautiful fiancee tried to commit suicide.

I noticed her getting something from the kitchen and running to the bathroom and locking the door. She never locks the door. I knew something was up. I repeatedly asked her to open the door and she finally did. I asked her not to lock the door anymore if she's been drinking. When she came out she ran to the kitchen with something behind her back and I ran after her only to notice it was a steak knife. I asked her why she had a knife in the bathroom and she denied it. She said I was hallucinating things. I asked to check all her extremities and saw no cuts. Thank god for that moment otherwise I wouldn't have been on high alert.

About an hour later, I saw her go in the kitchen again and into the bathroom. I walked in and she had slit her wrist. She told me she didn't want to live anymore and was tired of being a burden on me and her family. I wrestled the knife out of her hands and called for help.

She was just taken away in an ambulance. They'll put her on suicide watch tonight. Hopefully they'll admit her into a detox program. I will go visit her tomorrow.

In a weird way, I feel the less worried now than I did for the past 6 months. I will probably actually sleep tonight. I don't know how to explain it. You'd figure going through something like this would be traumatic but I am suprisingly calm.... might just be shock. I don't know.

Anyways, I will go visit her tomorrow. Hopefully an incident like this can force her into detox and into a program.

please pray for her.