Dealing with needing space during recovery (co-dependency)
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Well work was a little rought today. I felt like I had my stomach stuck in my throat all day. I managed to fight through it and even enjoyed meeting all the staff.
I got home and just received the books: Codependent No more and Beyond Codependency. I'm going to start reading now.
I got home and just received the books: Codependent No more and Beyond Codependency. I'm going to start reading now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Ago 
How goes it despair?
Well enough to change your name to Martin Luther King jr. yet?
Free at last! Free at last! Thank God we are Free at last!
How's the new job?
Well enough to change your name to Martin Luther King jr. yet?
Free at last! Free at last! Thank God we are Free at last!
How's the new job?
I've been making some efforts to get in touch with old friends. I'll be going back to my home town again next weekend and I've made plans with friends from the area for the weekend after that.
I almost feel like I need another woman to get close to to help forget about my ex. I don't want to do the whole rebound thing. The other person wouldn't deserve that. But it sure would feel nice to feel loved and wanted again.
The new job is going well. I'm still kind of hidding in a bubble a little bit and keeping to myself. I try my best to keep a smile on my face all day. It keeps me busy and running around alot and there's a lot of dealing with other people so I can forget about things for little moments at a time. I still find I am very anxious at work and feel shortness of breath. I frequently feel like I'm about to cry but try to hide it as much as possible. I still manage to crack some jokes and make people laugh.
Anyways, it's still a rough time. Tomorrow is her birthday and I feel sad that I won't get to spend it with her and her family. I had gotten her a gift and have no one to give it to. I guess I will return it. I know I could use the money.
She came by the house to get some things today without letting me know. I know because I noticed her shoes were gone from the entrance. I had specifically told her that I was uncomfortable with her coming by while I wasn't around and that if she wanted to get something to wait until I was home. I don't know why she didn't listen. I guess she just doesn't want to see me. I called her out on it and she said she just came to get some clothes that I left in the laundry basket and to see the cats and that she was just over for 5 minutes.
She didn't disturb anything in the house and nothing major is missing that I can see. She probably didn't mean any harm but I still feel like she crossed a boundary that I had asked her to respect. Home Depot is open until 9pm on Thursday so I will go get a new lock and replace it on the door.
Anyways, still having a hard time getting things out of my head. Hopefully I start thinking about other things soon.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I am sorry you are sad.
I am going through a similar loss, so I COMPLETELY understand the lonliness. Today is Veteran's Day (he is a vet) and I wanted to thank him for serving. I didn't, but prayed and thought it. Each day I have noticed that it is getting easier, but the pain comes in waves. No contact is helping a little, but I am a few weeks into the no contact thing.
I am going through a similar loss, so I COMPLETELY understand the lonliness. Today is Veteran's Day (he is a vet) and I wanted to thank him for serving. I didn't, but prayed and thought it. Each day I have noticed that it is getting easier, but the pain comes in waves. No contact is helping a little, but I am a few weeks into the no contact thing.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 59
Yeah. No contact is definately hard to get used to. I went 2 days and then she sent me a message. Now I can't stop replying, thinking of more things to say and replying again. She then ignores me all day when I can clearly see she's online and then writes me again the next day.
The bigger problem is that she writes me via facebook while I'm at work. If I read the message at work, I start thinking about it all day and it grinds in my head. I've just dissabled my facebook notifications so that I don't hear about it at work if she writes me tomorrow. It's difficult.
The bigger problem is that she writes me via facebook while I'm at work. If I read the message at work, I start thinking about it all day and it grinds in my head. I've just dissabled my facebook notifications so that I don't hear about it at work if she writes me tomorrow. It's difficult.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
it gets easier I promise
Something I wrote in the AA forums may apply, I was talking to my Sponsor about obsessing, I think it was about drinking, might have been a relationship, whatever it was it unhealthy for me to obsess about it, here is the story he told me.
A man goes to confession, starts confessing and says, Father, I have been having erotic thoughts and images...
The Priest pauses for a minute then asks, "Have you been entertaining these thoughts?"
I was taught, when dealing with addiction, and make no mistake, I believe we are discussing addiction here, I am not responsible for my first thought, I am responsible for what I do with it.
Having the thought pass through my brain that a drink would be a good idea isn't unhealthy.
entertaining that idea can be life threatening for me.
Having the thought pass through my head that I miss my ex, or any of the 100,000 thoughts that come with that isn't unhealthy,
entertaining those thoughts and obsessing about her will make me very very sick in a very short amount of time.
Something to think about, pun intended
It's time for you to start taking care of you.
Ask yourself what that looks like.
What would you tell your child if he were in the same boat?
My sponsor had me write out "This sh1t's gotta stop"
I wrote 15 or so things down, not one of them had anything to do with her, they all had some way to take care of me as the solution.
I had to remove her from the equation, and get down to taking care of me to begin to get healthy, sitting around in a big pile of my own self pity and morass of crap wasn't "processing" it was perpetuating the illness, not to say I didn't spend a great deal of time there, it's just that it wasn't very helpful at the end of the day.
Have you looked into Alanon?
Something I wrote in the AA forums may apply, I was talking to my Sponsor about obsessing, I think it was about drinking, might have been a relationship, whatever it was it unhealthy for me to obsess about it, here is the story he told me.
A man goes to confession, starts confessing and says, Father, I have been having erotic thoughts and images...
The Priest pauses for a minute then asks, "Have you been entertaining these thoughts?"
I was taught, when dealing with addiction, and make no mistake, I believe we are discussing addiction here, I am not responsible for my first thought, I am responsible for what I do with it.
Having the thought pass through my brain that a drink would be a good idea isn't unhealthy.
entertaining that idea can be life threatening for me.
Having the thought pass through my head that I miss my ex, or any of the 100,000 thoughts that come with that isn't unhealthy,
entertaining those thoughts and obsessing about her will make me very very sick in a very short amount of time.
Something to think about, pun intended
It's time for you to start taking care of you.
Ask yourself what that looks like.
What would you tell your child if he were in the same boat?
My sponsor had me write out "This sh1t's gotta stop"
I wrote 15 or so things down, not one of them had anything to do with her, they all had some way to take care of me as the solution.
I had to remove her from the equation, and get down to taking care of me to begin to get healthy, sitting around in a big pile of my own self pity and morass of crap wasn't "processing" it was perpetuating the illness, not to say I didn't spend a great deal of time there, it's just that it wasn't very helpful at the end of the day.
Have you looked into Alanon?
Trying to find a path
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern Indiana
Posts: 91
I almost feel like I need another woman to get close to to help forget about my ex. I don't want to do the whole rebound thing. The other person wouldn't deserve that. But it sure would feel nice to feel loved and wanted again.
The lock thing may cause some backlash. Just keep that in mind. I think it is a good idea but I would just prepare myself for it.
Keep going, man. It does get easier.
Trying to find a path
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern Indiana
Posts: 91
I almost feel like I need another woman to get close to to help forget about my ex. I don't want to do the whole rebound thing. The other person wouldn't deserve that. But it sure would feel nice to feel loved and wanted again.
The lock thing may cause some backlash. Just keep that in mind. I think it is a good idea but I would just prepare myself for it.
Keep going, man. It does get easier.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
you can say that again 
lmao
sorry
ummm.....
me too actually.....me need woman....no no no...5 minutes later hmmm...need woman....no no no
I mean cmon, if 95% of all my problems are caused by women I think another one is the ANSWER to my problems?
/checks for loose screw
lmaosorry
ummm.....
me too actually.....me need woman....no no no...5 minutes later hmmm...need woman....no no no
I mean cmon, if 95% of all my problems are caused by women I think another one is the ANSWER to my problems?
/checks for loose screw
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Despair,
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I have had minimal contact with my EXABF for 3 weeks now, and it is very difficult. At first, I found myself thinking "I have to get someone, anyone...just to take my mind off of him, just to make the pain go away", but I know that someone, whoever it may be, would just be postponing my pain, and that it makes more sense to get through this, try and heal, and THEN attract a healthy kind of guy. Hang in there, I have a tendency to obsess, also....I am just trying to focus more on me, feeling good about me....and my son.
SC
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I have had minimal contact with my EXABF for 3 weeks now, and it is very difficult. At first, I found myself thinking "I have to get someone, anyone...just to take my mind off of him, just to make the pain go away", but I know that someone, whoever it may be, would just be postponing my pain, and that it makes more sense to get through this, try and heal, and THEN attract a healthy kind of guy. Hang in there, I have a tendency to obsess, also....I am just trying to focus more on me, feeling good about me....and my son.
SC
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 59
Today was very difficult. Especially because it was her birthday. I came home to the following message from her:
I can't believe how heartless she is being. All I said is that I needed more time to think about what I had to do. I can't even focus right now. I'm under enough stress as it is. I can't possibly make the decision to keep the house or sell the house now. IT'S BEEN 5 FREAKING DAYS!! How can she expect me to just have everything figured out right away. She'll try to help with the payments.. yeah right... with what money? she doesn't even have a job.
Also, I can't believe she has the nerve to tell me she's interested in someone else. This is just a slap in the face. I can't believe it. After 3 weeks of her telling me that she can't be in a relationship for the first year of her recovery and that she needs time to focus on herself.... WTF is wrong with her? 5 days and already trying to get involved with someone else. Someone she probably met on an intimate encounters website?!?!? Yeah... good choice for a relationship. Someone that prays on vulnerable women online for one night stands. Sure sounds like a winner to me.
This is absolutely ridiculous. I can't believe she had the nerve to send this to me. If my heart wasn't broken enough before, it is absolutely shattered now.
I'm just happy I blocked this from coming in at work. If I would've had to read this in the middle of my day, I have no idea how I could have went on working. Hopefully I'll be able to digest it properly by tomorrow morning (yeah right). This is so stupid.
if I can`t go into a house that I own whenever I want, we`re gonna have to do something about this. Like, NOW. Because it`s just not cool. We both have to just put this behind us, learn from it, and move on. I know that sounds harsh, but I am positive that we are not getting back together, so don`t drag this out any longer than we have to. It just makes it harder. You have to decide ASAP if you are keeping the house or not. If you`re keeping it, I can`t be co-owner anymore. I need to be able to move on with my life and not have this hanging over my head forever. So if you reply and say that you still want to keep the house until spring, I am telling you right now that I am going to do whatever I have to to get my name off the mortgage and home ownership. I don`t want to live with my parents forever. So this is what`s going to happen, you reply and let me know if you`re keeping the house or not. If you still wanna buy more time and keep it longer, I`m out. Final decision. I`ll try to help with the payments until my name is off the paperwork.
Also, I am interested in someone else. I don`t want to tell you this to hurt you, just to be honest. And it is NOT Anthony. And you don`t know him. He was not the reason for our break-up, I actually met him afterwards. I`m sorry to have to tell you this, but you need to know because I know you`re just trying to buy more time and convince me that I`ll change my mind and go back to you. Your efforts are basically pointless at this point. I`m sorry.
Also, I am interested in someone else. I don`t want to tell you this to hurt you, just to be honest. And it is NOT Anthony. And you don`t know him. He was not the reason for our break-up, I actually met him afterwards. I`m sorry to have to tell you this, but you need to know because I know you`re just trying to buy more time and convince me that I`ll change my mind and go back to you. Your efforts are basically pointless at this point. I`m sorry.
Also, I can't believe she has the nerve to tell me she's interested in someone else. This is just a slap in the face. I can't believe it. After 3 weeks of her telling me that she can't be in a relationship for the first year of her recovery and that she needs time to focus on herself.... WTF is wrong with her? 5 days and already trying to get involved with someone else. Someone she probably met on an intimate encounters website?!?!? Yeah... good choice for a relationship. Someone that prays on vulnerable women online for one night stands. Sure sounds like a winner to me.
This is absolutely ridiculous. I can't believe she had the nerve to send this to me. If my heart wasn't broken enough before, it is absolutely shattered now.
I'm just happy I blocked this from coming in at work. If I would've had to read this in the middle of my day, I have no idea how I could have went on working. Hopefully I'll be able to digest it properly by tomorrow morning (yeah right). This is so stupid.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I am sorry for what you are going through. I am a little ahead of you, but dealing with the same thing.
For what it is worth, as a casual observer, she sounds unbalanced. Healthy people don't jump from intimate relationship to relationship. People who do that in my opinion are avoiding something (like dealing with themselves). As the old saying goes, "If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you."
For what it is worth, as a casual observer, she sounds unbalanced. Healthy people don't jump from intimate relationship to relationship. People who do that in my opinion are avoiding something (like dealing with themselves). As the old saying goes, "If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you."
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
What a childish rant. I'm curious as to how she thinks she'll get her name off the paperwork (mortgage) without selling the house, which could take a good long time.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It hurts. xAH said some horrific things to me, too. Today I can repeat them and they don't hurt at all. Take care of yourself and things will get better.
((( )))
I'm sorry you are going through this. It hurts. xAH said some horrific things to me, too. Today I can repeat them and they don't hurt at all. Take care of yourself and things will get better.
((( )))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
get out of the Ghetto
walk away
let go
stop trying to make sense from a crazy person
day 1 no contact starting now
it's up to you now, it's over, she is longer "doing anything to you" from this moment on if you "go back" or "interact" or "obsess" it's you doing it to you.
She's given you the information...you literally can't "bargain" with insane, it doesn't work and you get insane.
This is what my friends told me when I was exactly where you are.
I wish I would have listened
I don't mean to be hardnosed but the longer you "stay" the more hurt, confused, angry, and sick you will be.
Stop trying to "make sense" of this, stop listening to "her stories" it's time for you to start taking care of you.
/love
/hugs
walk away
let go
stop trying to make sense from a crazy person
day 1 no contact starting now
it's up to you now, it's over, she is longer "doing anything to you" from this moment on if you "go back" or "interact" or "obsess" it's you doing it to you.
She's given you the information...you literally can't "bargain" with insane, it doesn't work and you get insane.
This is what my friends told me when I was exactly where you are.
I wish I would have listened
I don't mean to be hardnosed but the longer you "stay" the more hurt, confused, angry, and sick you will be.
Stop trying to "make sense" of this, stop listening to "her stories" it's time for you to start taking care of you.
/love
/hugs
Last edited by Ago; 11-12-2008 at 06:52 PM.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Yep.
I'm trying to stop taking other people's inventories, so I'll keep this short.
She SOUNDS like a crazy person.
Momentarily toxic (addiction will do that)- and who knows how long the moment will last?
Find yourself some safe harbor in this storm.
We're here for you!
-TC
I'm trying to stop taking other people's inventories, so I'll keep this short.
She SOUNDS like a crazy person.
Momentarily toxic (addiction will do that)- and who knows how long the moment will last?
Find yourself some safe harbor in this storm.
We're here for you!
-TC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Despair,
I'm so sorry she's acting like such a jerk.
When I was a jerk (nowhere NEAR as jerky as this) and left a relationship in which our house was jointly owned, we had to do a quit claim. My ex-partner and I met at a real estate attorney's office, he paid me a dollar and I signed away any ownership in the house. The deed was 100% in his name from then on.
Before that happened, we did the math and I paid him what I owed him so we were even-steven. It could just as easily have been what he owed me. Didn't matter....we settled up, and then I removed myself from his life. He's happily married now, with kids, in the same house, and I'm happy about that.
I'm sorry she's being so horrible. And childish. And cruel. And unrealistic. All of which we have deduced about her from what you've written before. What a sad individual.
I guess, on a sad level, it's good to know that you should not pursue her any longer. She does not want a relationship with you, and you dont' have to dump any more of your care and tenderness down that hole any more.
Doesn't make it ANY easier to get through this week, I know, but there is a finality to it that might just help you to heal faster, I hope and pray, with a little help from your friends and your HP.
Hugs to you,
:ghug3
I'm so sorry she's acting like such a jerk.
When I was a jerk (nowhere NEAR as jerky as this) and left a relationship in which our house was jointly owned, we had to do a quit claim. My ex-partner and I met at a real estate attorney's office, he paid me a dollar and I signed away any ownership in the house. The deed was 100% in his name from then on.
Before that happened, we did the math and I paid him what I owed him so we were even-steven. It could just as easily have been what he owed me. Didn't matter....we settled up, and then I removed myself from his life. He's happily married now, with kids, in the same house, and I'm happy about that.
I'm sorry she's being so horrible. And childish. And cruel. And unrealistic. All of which we have deduced about her from what you've written before. What a sad individual.
I guess, on a sad level, it's good to know that you should not pursue her any longer. She does not want a relationship with you, and you dont' have to dump any more of your care and tenderness down that hole any more.
Doesn't make it ANY easier to get through this week, I know, but there is a finality to it that might just help you to heal faster, I hope and pray, with a little help from your friends and your HP.
Hugs to you,
:ghug3
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
You already have such great responses, I just want to let you know that you are not alone in this. Just a couple weeks ago, I felt the same way, I was devastated because I found out my xabf found someone 2 days after we broke up. I felt hopeless, it was all I could do to get through each minutes. But it HAS gotten better, and although I am still working on my own recovery, I am learning to feel better about myself, learning that it's ok to do things for myself...and reach out to people like you are on here, because we are all here for you.
:ghug2 Hang in there, keep posting!
:ghug2 Hang in there, keep posting!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((Despair))) I wanted to chime in and say you are not alone. It's madness, but you can get through it if you focus on yourself. My STBXAH and I were together 18 years- most of which were stressful because of his addictions and infidelities. I had to take a step back when he left over a year ago to ask myself why I allowed myself to be treated the way I did. You sound like a wonderful guy- deserving of a healthy, engaged, loving partner. As hard as my year has been without STBXAH, I am now realizing he gave me a gift by leaving. You said you were becoming someone you didn't like- I felt the same way. I have taken this time alone to figure out who I am and what I want. It's taken a lot of reading, counseling, friends' and families' support, al-anon, and coming here for me to realize I did not have to live the way I was. There is nothing compassionate or respectful about the way your agf has been treating you. Alcoholism is a selfish disease. If you can grab ahold of some sanity I hope you will run with it. You have a lot going for you. Take care.
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