sunflowerintx

I've heard this referred to as "the gift of goodbye."

((((((((((((( Despair )))))))))))))

I know you are hurting but you will get through this.

As far as the house is concerned, the only way for her name to be removed from the mortgage itself is to refinance the home. In Texas (my state), a Quit Claim Deed is worthless but a Special Warranty Deed is something filed in the courthouse. It basically says that the other party gives up any money made in the sale of the home but it also gives them the right to pay the back payments and take over the home if you get 3 months behind and your home is going to foreclosure.

You're doing all the right things...it's just going to take some time. Ending a relationship with an alcoholic is akin to having a tornado blow through your life. You're left to pick up the pieces, but it can be done. I have faith in you. :ghug3

Much love,
Sunny

Despair

Thanks again for all your words of wisdom and stories of reassurance. They have helped me more than you can imagine

I would have liked to say that I went no contact today but it would be a lie. She called me while I was at work. At first I didn't answer, but curiosity killed the cat. I phoned her back 30 minutes later.

She asked if she could go to the house to get some things. I told her she could come by tonight while I'm home. She managed to tell me that tonight wasn't good for her because she has 2 AA meetings tonight so I figured since she at least called this time and let me know that she could go over. I also told her that if I ever find out that she went over without warning me, I would go ahead with changing the locks.

She seemed a little bit more reasonable about letting me make a decision about the house. I told her I needed at least a month and she agreed.

I also asked her about this new "friend" of hers. Apparently, he's a guy she was introduced to by someone in AA. Doesn't drink and is very spiritual. sigh... I don't get it. I've tried everything I could for almost 2 years to be supportive and to get her help. Now that she finally decides to do it, she wants to do it with someone else. I asked her about all the no relationship for a year rule and she merely said she couldn't help the way she felt.

Her mother also called me tonight to tell me how sorry she was for what I was going through. Basically, the whole family is upset about how things turned out and don't understand why she is doing this to me. She reassured me that I was great guy and that I'm most likely better off without her. She told me that I shouldn't wait around for her to come back. She encouraged me to move on with my life. She also said that she's basically charging her rent but they're going to pay her rent to me. She will owe them the money once she finally gets a job. They also told her that if she starts drinking again, they will not support her.

No one understands. She seems extra happy for some reason. Her mom says she's found her old spark again. Her mom doesn't get it. She said if she'd just got out of a serious relationship she would figure she'd be a little more gloomy. She's been keeping up with her sobriety and has been staying home every evening.

I just don't get it. Why couldn't she have done this earlier when our relationship wasn't in such shambles. It's extremely difficult to not take any of this personally. She seemed miserable for the last 2 months and then she leaves and she's all better? AND she's staying sober?

Anyways, I don't think she needs anything else from the house for the weekend. So I don't think she's going to call. I'm going back to my home town again this weekend. I'm going to try to commit to at least 3 days no contact. Once the 3 days are up, I will go from there and try to tack on more. Hopefully I can keep it up.

Thanks again for the support. You are the best!

sslusser

Sometimes I wonder if they are so ashamed of how they behaved that they feel like they can't go back to us. I know there are a lot of things I can forgive and I few I can't.

Its strange. I just found out that my AW has a "roommate." It is someone I know and what is really strange is that he is vile excuse for a person. He is a drunk too (hmmm, wonder what the attraction is) and I have witnessed him with his own kids who will most definitely grow up with problems.

It is like Ago says. A's are crazy. Dealing with them makes us crazy.

In the message she sent to you she said "Here is what is going to happen ..." That is bull. Just as you can't control her and her actions she doesn't get to control yours.

I'm glad you have plans for the weekend. They seem to be the harder part of the week for me.

Stay strong on the no contact.

Ago

hang in there

:ghug3

Tarheel

One step at a time!!!

cagefree

Pink clouds do not signal recovery in my book. True recovering A's and codies that I have met have put in months to years of hard work - long after the world of pink clouds, grape lollipops and care bears riding unicorns over skittle-rainbows have faded. Pink clouds feel nice - then reality sets in and the true work begins.

For me, sober does not mean recovery...when I think of "sober" white-knuckling comes to mind. I was confused in the beginning about what true recovery entailed and did not distinguish between sober and recovering. I attended AA meetings as well as Al-anon for some perspective and education and it helped to solidify my own definition of what "recovery" meant, what it entailed. I quit looking at what people said and started looking at what they did - would this action come from a recovering person...etc.

Al-Anon and AA reccommend to not make major life changes over a period of months to a year in the beginning stages of recovery - new relationships included.

Hang in there despair ((()))

Despair

So,

I have not contacted her today. I have also not recieved any messages from her which is a good thing. I was stressed out all day at work thinking of coming home to another e-mail from her. Now that I'm here and my inbox is empty, I feel better.

I believe I have come to the conclusion that I simply wouldn't be able to afford the house by myself longterm. I was willing to stick it out and see how she would do with her recovery and if it was possible to reconcile. She doesn't seem to want this in the least. She has apparantly made up her mind.

I am so scared of going through this. We had a clause in our deed that said we had to do some repairs on the roof before we could sell the house again. I've also ripped apart the basement in hopes of renovating eventually. I'd have to renovate the basement again before selling the house.

I've decided that I'm not going to let her take her name off the lease. If she wants this relationship to end, then she'll have to take responsibility for her actions and pay for half of all the costs associated with renovating and selling the house. She'll also have to keep making part of the mortgage payments and absorb half of the loss of the sale due to being in a recession right now.

I can't allow her to simply walk away scott free and leave me to deal with all the crap. I will look into getting an appartment for me and the cats.

I haven't told her any of this yet. I'm going to wait until she gets out of rehab (which she should be attending within the next 2 weeks). I simply do not think she can think about this rationally right now. She's just acting on impulse and running away from her problems instead of facing them.

When she gets out of rehab, I will most likely give her an ultimatum. I will tell her that if she has any hope of us being able to work things out between, I will be willing to keep the house in both our names and cover most of the costs for a while. During this time, we shall remain seperated and will be actively working on our own issues (her alcoholism and my codependency).

If she is not willing to attempt to work things out, or still wants her name off the mortgage, I will have no choice but to charge her for half of everything.

She seems to think she can just leave and have no responsibilities and just start a new life right away. She doesn't realize that this hasty decision of hers will most likely put us both in debt over $10,000 each.

Anyways, I'm a little freaked out about this because I don't believe I am able to cover a financial loss of this magnitude. This is just such a mess. I kick myself in the ass all day for letting myself get into this situation even though I forshadowed it happening 8 months ago. I told her it would be a mistake to get a house without resolving her drinking and our relationship issues. I feel like such an idiot.

Oh well. Tomorrow I'm off to my home town again. I'm looking forward to it.

Despair

Heh... I'm having a hard time leaving the house today. I've been raising squirrels that we rescued when they were still babies.

I've decided I have to release them now before it gets too cold for them. I was going to release them in the spring, but now that I'm facing the real possibility of having to sell the house, I have to do it now.

Anyways, those little buggers don't want to leave. I've managed to get one of them in the outdoor cage but the other 2 are hiding in the basement.

I've been chasing them for about 3 hours. Oh well.. at least it gets my mind of other things. Wish me luck. Hopefully I can get outta here soon.

ddot

Despair, I'm so sorry you are going through this! My AH has told similar crazy stories of my being the abuser to his family and friends or threatened to "call the police", "file a restraining order" and "take our son away" Threats are apparently part of the illness, and part of the cycle when you make them responsible for their own actions. It's hard, very hard. Just wanted you to know you are not alone in going through similar things.-dddot

Despair

Well, she's calming down a little bit. She still wants nothing to do with me, but I'm getting closer to accepting that. It just feels so unjust sometimes. I stood by her during some very ugly moments and was always there by her side. It feels like she just used me until she didn't need me anymore and then tossed me aside like a piece of trash.

It seems so unfair. All the worry, anxiety and "love" and she doesn't seem to appreciate it. Oh well. I'm slowly starting to realize that the best thing she's ever done for me was leave me.

I wrote her the following analogy about the end of our relationship:

It felt like we were skydiving. Everything was going wonderful and we were having a blast. All of a sudden, your parachute broke and you were sent rushing towards the ground. I had two choices: I could either remain in my parachute and watch you fall quickly and surely, Or, I could cut my own parachute and rush to your aid and try to save you. I chose to cut my line, risking my well being to come to your aid. I caught up with you and was desperately trying to open your reserve. You were struggling. I was struggling. We were both flailing our arms in frantic despair. We ended up hurting each other while we were struggling. I didn't care. What's a few scrapes and cuts if I could get your reserve open. I would have saved my true love from an untimely demise. Finally, we managed to get your reserve chute undone. We landed hard on the ground. I covered your fall. I was crippled. You got upset that I had hurt you while trying to save you and simply walked away. I was left devastated and crippled, but somewhat at peace that I had contributed to saving your life.

-------------------

I've only spoken to her once since she left for rehab and the conversation was a little calmer. She's no longer threatening legal action. She would just like a few minor things and leave me with the house. She's still trying to avoid responsibility for actually purchasing the house and wants nothing to do with it financially. I just don't care anymore. I would love to keep the house and start my life from here.

Also, she sent me a message today. Which is very odd, because she was only supposed to be out for the weekend from rehab. I'm guessing she didn't go back. My gut reaction is to panic and think she's not trying to help herself. However, I'm remarkably calm about it. She can do what she wants, as long as I don't get all tangle up in her drama.


Other than that, I'm slowly coming around. I've made plans to have some friends move into the house with me as roommates. This will alleviate a lot of my financial stress. Some company will be nice and extremely necessary. I've contacted old friends I haven't seen in a while. I'm focusing on my job. I'm smiling more often and actually conversing with people rather than retreat in my bubble.

I'm 27, I own a home and a car. I have friends and family who love me for who I am. I am a good person. I'm just stuck in a rut, but things will work out for the best. I will make it through this and I will be a better person for having gone through this.