LettingGo

OMG he is making me sick! Girl you just think..... that precious gem could be yours! No Way! He is sick.... and you are too! That is blunt i know but he is jerking your chain in the worst way. I bet he would divorce her in a heartbeat, it doesn't quite work that way. Why does he want to trap you into marrying him so quickly? That is not love honey, it is manipulation. As far as why do alchoholics lie, well I should let you know, I am a double dipper in that I am a member of AA and Alanon. Funny I know, you would think that since I was in Alanon first I could have avoided AA, but didn't quite work out for me like that. Anyways, yes I think that alchoholics lie because of guilt but keep in mind we sicko alchoholics are not exactly shining examples of mental stability! We have HUGE character defects and honey his are nearly slapping you in the face. If you have to run into the brick wall a few times before you go around it then believe me, I understand that obnoxious need for I have had it enough myself, then so be it. Do what you have to do but dont get pregnant and dont get married!!! Whatever you do save yourself that heartache and just know that neither of those 2 occurances will change who he is. That man has issues and he is playing you like a fiddle. Stay strong! Imagine toilet! Quack quack quack. He is so predictable, next he will go to the other extreme and say something like I didnt want you back anyways...... or now he will have some tramatic breakup he wants you to nurse him through..... and even more predictable is he will quit drinking but cannot do it without your support. I could wring his neck and I dont even know him! Well, now that I have my panties in a wad, I will end my rant!

LG

Damaged82

My mom was recently faced with a similar situation...not exact, but pretty similar. Her AH attacked her physically one night and she took a stand and told him "no more". She kicked him out of her house and once he heard her say that he couldn't come back, he was mean, nasty, ignorant, and found 2 other women to "take responsability for him" (Very well put, Myles...that line opened my eyes to reality a bit more). It was really hard for her to kick him out and tell him no, she loved him and still (at times) misses him. But she asked me one day how I got over the unobtainable, I said "he found someone else" b/c that must obviously mean they're over you that quickly. Perhaps your "Mr. Man" just wanted a rise out of you and did it solely to shock you...he probably thought, "oh, NOW she'll run to me". Just be strong, like everyone said...thank god this happened now. All you can do now is take the crap and learn from it. *Hugz* ~Damaged

lifelovelaffter

Thanx, yall.. once again for your magic words! I do have to say, though.. that I ended it with him a month ago, and have tried to just be his friend. IT WONT WORK!!! Yes, he is definately trying to manipulate me, but I am TOO strong for it to wash! We work in offices that are side by side, and NO, I will NOT quit this wonderful job for him! My boss just told me to NOT play into his drama, and just ignore him from now on. That is what I am going to try to do. Oh, and I am aged 45.. and CANNOT get pregnant, and would NEVER marry such a creature! He did have me fooled at first, but I got over it. I just need to know how to work in the same area, and not throw something at this nut!

LettingGo

I dont know how you will work there other than to act like he does not exist. I mean you dont have to be childish about it, but I think whenever you can just ignore him the better. He will get tired of it and move on.

lifelovelaffter

LettingGO, yes, I do think you are right. I am a very strong person, or think I am, and I think I can handle this, I was sick and not able to work yesterday, so this is my Monday. I think each day I am able to come to work, and just be courteous but distant with him, will make me that much stronger.
I am dating a very nice man, and have been seeing him for a couple of weeks. He is very pleasant to be around, and is NOT into drama.....
So, I only have this crap here! When he sees I am NOT playing into his hands anymore, I'm sure he will give up.
Thank you SOOOO much, LG.., for talking to me today.. You and the others have really been here for me! This is a GREAT place!

LettingGo

Oh you are so welcome! I know I come across as so strong sometimes and full of opinion, but I get passionate about certain things! I hate to see a man workin someone over who is good. It is just unacceptable. Anyways, You are strong and you CAN do it! You will be fine. Use this message board to get you through. It really does help to have people you can just unload on! Glad to have met you my friend!

LG

lifelovelaffter

Yes, this msg. board has REALLY gotten me through this day. I have a GREAT boss, and a GREAT job, and I am NOT letting some stupid man ruin it all for me! I moved here to St. Louis to enjoy life, not be in a prison of some man's making! I am slightly naive, though.. and ALMOST fell prey to this man. I will probably lean pretty heavy on this msg.board for awhile, until he leaves me ALL the way, alone! Thanx, again, LG!

lifelovelaffter

LettingGo,
Just in case you or anyone else checked to see if I had posted anything today.. He didn't show up for work today! That means he has started drinking, once again! NOW I feel guilty, cuz I led him to believe I went back to my ex /bf, and that was what he was afraid of, in the first place! HOW do I stop feeling guilty about this man????

jojo

Life -

How can you possibly feel guilty that he might be drinking today? Isn't he the one that went to Las Vegas and married someone else and then came back and rubbed your nose in it? There has to be more problems with this man than alcohol. You are so very very lucky that he has become someone elses problem. Thank your lucky stars that he has let you out of this situation. You don't owe him a single thing. You owe yourself some peace and sanity. You might feel sorry for the mess he is making out of his life but you don't have to let him mess your life up too. Take care of yourself, say a prayer for him and let God handle him. Good luck to you.

Jo

lifelovelaffter

Hi Jo, and thanks for the advice. I know, I know, I just have to LET GO of the entire situation. I do say a prayer for him every night, and have since I realized he has such huge problems. His dad really did a number on him, while he was growing up!
I just need to stop worrying about him. Yes, you are right, I feel bad about his AWFUL life from hell!

midknight

The guilt is because you have a BIG heart! though the guilt is misplaced. You can make him drink again like you can make him wet his pants on command! you CAN'T. If he says he started drinking again it's because he chose to start again, He chose to use you as an EXCUSE (vs a reason, though I can't think of any good REASON to fall off the wagon). You are the captain of your own ship and have NO control over anyone but yourself. If some other captain keeps crashing into you you need to steer away! Now one can make you feel anything unless you let them. The reverse is true. You did not cause him to start drinking again. If he says so he's manipulating you! The fib you told is not a reason to fall off the wagon. He chose to drink again. Don't beat yourself up over the fib, making mistakes is human and normal, not learning from them is something else, though I admit I've had to repeatedly beat my head into the same wall before I learned.
Anytime he talks to you just think of quack, quack, quack.

I hope this helps in some small way...

-Midknight

lifelovelaffter

Midknight..
LOL.... this man is 6'4" over 230 lbs... If I look at him, and think quack quack quack, that is ONE huge duck I am imagining! ... But, I will try it. Yes, I do seem to have a big heart, I am always trying to save someone...

lifelovelaffter

OK, I am back in here, still freaked out about him getting married. I am really worried about ME, now. WHY did I fall so fast for him, and WHY do I still care? OMG...it says alot for me, that I am even so upset over it all! I checked the Nevada records for a marriage license, and he definately got married.
I am thinking all types of wild thoughts, like quiting my job, and returning to the little town I came from. FORGET this city!
But, the rational side of me says, no, calm down. You have met a new guy, that is sane, enjoy his company! K and I are going to a St. Louis Cardinals baseball game tonight, I sure hope it gets my mind off of D! Grrrrr... P.S. How many people in here think I need to go see a shrink?

jojo

lIFE -

Be careful of getting too involved with someone else right now. By all means, go out and have some fun but be careful of being on the rebound. When you are trying to withdraw from one person it is usually better to take some time for yourself. It is important to feel the pain and deal with it instead of covering it up with the excitement of a new romance. Make sure you are ready and able to move on with a new person. When you jump into a new relationship too quickly, you often find you have just changed the person - not the problems - because you are so vulnerable. Have fun at the game.

Jo

LettingGo

Oh Life!

I didn't see your post yesterday! Ok, one thing I was relieved to find out (for your sake) is that he DID in fact get married. I know that is probably not what you want to hear, but as I see it, its one of those blessings in disguise. Ever hear that Garth Brooks song "unanswered prayers"? Listen to the words! Anyways, be careful with the new guy too! You know I am going through a divorce, and my automatic reaction is to meet someone. Like I have to have a man in order to be comfortable and happy. My goal this time around is really to find some peace within myself so that I am happy alone. Not that I want to be alone forever, but some alone time is good. I think it will help me to find the real me, what I like and want out of life. It will help me so that when I do date again it will not be because I NEED to in order to be normal. It will be because someone ADDS to my life, not becomes my life. Does that make sense? Live, there is a reason you are drawn into the chaos that he brings. There is a reason you have to have another man to replace him right away. Like alchoholics/addicts do, you need to find some inner peace. Find some emotional sobriety so that rather than being attracted to this chaotic and damaging relationship, that it would actually repel you like it would to a normal person. Now I am not saying you are abnormal! I am just saying you are one sick cookie (said lovingly of course) ! Just like me, I am sick! But I am getting better. I am finding contentment within myself, all by myself and you know what, I am avoiding chaos! That is a huge step for me. I hope you can take that step too.....

LG

lifelovelaffter

Hi LG
LOL.. WOW.. you can sure read me, can't ya! I have ALWAYS felt like I have to have someone in my life, or I am not happy. I do have to say that I waited 3 weeks after D and I split, to accept a date. I know, I know, that is too soon. I was just trying to get interested in someone else, and try to forget D!
K doesn't drink at all, and so far, he is quite normal.. LOL..
I wish I could afford to go to a counselor, I do know that I need one, SOOOOO bad!
I really need to do exactly what you are suggesting. STOP dating, and start looking into what I really want in life. It really upsets me that I have always been so needy. I actually have a daughter that just turned 19.. sigh.. and is the same way. Hmmmm??? wonder who she takes after? I have tried talking to her, to NO avail! If I try to tell her to make a life for herself, THEN find someone to add something to her life, instead of acting so needy.. Guess what HER answer is? OH yeah.. but, Mom.. you have always done that, why can't I? GRRRrrrrr.... If I was strong enough to change myself, maybe it would give her the inituitive sp? to do it, too.
Oh, btw.. though.. she NEVER lets a guy treat her like dirt. They either have to treat her GREAT.. or she boots them out of her life!

LettingGo

Well Life, I dont know if I can read you but I just get the feeling that you are just like me! So I read us! I know that I am scared of my own decision making where men are concerned. If you are like me, K that you are dating, well I would bet he is such a nice guy and you really wish that you could just fall in love with him, BUT he is missing that certain spark that you and the dirtbag (OK that was mean) I guess we can call him the married-one, that spark that you had. That stomach dropping kiss, and run to the phone when he calls LOVE that you have with him! Funny, I remember a lady talking at a meeting once about how when she was with this guy she had all kinds of butterflys in her stomach. He treated her bad, was mentally abusive , etc ... but she still had this LOVE for him. One day she talked with her sponsor about him and her feelings (in her stomach) that she had. Her sponsor said , "honey, that is not love, that feeling in your stomach is Pain!" I dont know why but that just struck me as so true when she said it! I dont even know how to date a guy that doesn't just do it for me right away! What a mistake! I am consistently drawn to the wrong kind of guy. Thats why this time, I am going to come hell or high water, work on just me! I mean it! Grrrr.... to myself for stupid choices in the past. All we can do is change our ways and move on though!

LG

lifelovelaffter

Hello again, LG
OMG.. that was right on the money! I have ALWAYS been attracted to the men that are racey, or wild, or just plain ole MEAN!!! Yes, the nice guy, K.. doesn't do much for me as far as me being excited to see him when he walks through that door. But, you know, I KNOW he is a decent man... Grrrrrr... Wonder how you can train yourself to NOT like men that push your buttons????
Good look to you, LG.. I am sure you are WAY ahead of me in deciding what you actually want in life, and how to get it. I am going to start working on mine,soon. Yeah, Yeah, I know.. those are just words.. But, if not for myself, then for my daughter.

lifelovelaffter

PFFTTT!!!! I saw him, for the first time today! Obviously, I have been avoiding his goofy butt this whole afternoon. He tried talking to me, but all I could do was giggle. REALLY made him upset. Everytime he spoke, I did as yall suggested, and pretended he was saying, baulk baulk baulk.. OMG.. too funny! It actually works!

jojo

Letting Go and Life -

Sometimes the best way to find someone that you can love is to find someone that you really like and let them grow on you. Ever notice that you can depend on a friend through thick and thin?
So if your love interest starts out as a friend, you have the best of both worlds!

Jo