Am I really crazy, or is he?

Old 07-24-2003, 05:30 PM
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Am I really crazy, or is he?

Hello everyone! I just discovered this site today, and love it, already!
My dad was an alcoholic, but stopped drinking when I was about 13. Before that, he made our lives MISERABLE! My brother is an alcoholic, and my ex husband is a severe one.
I am SO confused about why I keep seeking out the men that drink. I met what I thought was a wonderful man at my new job, and we had been dating just a short time when he asked me to marry him. I knew he drank beer, but he was very rigid about when he drank, which was Friday after work, and on Saturdays. The first 2 weekends that I dated him, he was ok, but did drink. He was a smiling, funny drunk, not a mean one, like my dad always was. I thought, ok, I can handle this, he owns his own business, and just needs to let off steam on the wkends.Well, the 3rd weekend, was a total shock to me. OMG. he turned into a total monster, and called me every name in the book, and accused me of all types of weird stuff, even giving him a sexual disease, and stealing his salad at lunch that day. I have never seen this type of behavior before, not even with my dad, OR my ex hubby.
Can ANYONE explain what is going on with this man? Like my title says, is he crazy, or am I?
He is blaming this ALL on me, and gave me some stupid reason for it being all my fault.
I REALLY did start caring for the guy, and he is wonderful when not drunk. Right now, he is in the AA program, has been since I split with him. He now says his sponsor says to stay away from me, that he has to forget I ever existed. I work in the office next to his office, and see him everyday.
WHAT is going on? I feel like I am going crazy, and have become quite depressed over the whole thing.
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Old 07-24-2003, 06:06 PM
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Hello life,

Welcome to the forums! You're not crazy. He may not be either. He may just be an alcoholic. He must think so, or he would not have gone to AA. Who knows what his sponser actually said. Alcoholics in recovery are encouraged not to begin new relationships for at least a year. Maybe it was that. It must be very difficult seeing him every day at work.

I would encourage you, if you've never been to an alanon meeting, to give it a try. With your family history you may have picked up some bad mental habits that draw you to these needy people. There are also a lot of great books out there about codependency. Look at the "power posts" at the top of this forum. There's one called "book club" and it has a list of reading material recommended by our members.

Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 07-24-2003, 06:37 PM
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I seem to be a "drunk magnet" myself

I grew up with an alcoholic mother and married a "recovering alcoholic" who went back to drinking after being sober for six years.
I can understand why you may be questioning your judgement at this point. I did the same thing myself. When my ex-husband started drinking again, I felt like I had been drawn back into my worst childhood nightmares.
The best advice I can offer you at this point is the advice that Jill Connor Brown (author of The Sweet Potato Queens books) gives.
And that is...Be particular.
I think that those of us who have spent time being the significant other of alcoholics tend to choose poorly because our self-esteem is so beat up.
So from this day forward...be particular. Choose quality friends, quality jobs, quality men and most importantly...a quality life. Think of yourself as someone who deserves nothing but the best. It's a much better way to live your life.
Welcome to the board. This place is chock full of quality people.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 07-25-2003, 06:39 AM
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Hello--

Welcome!! I love your name!!

I also am the daughter of an alcolholic, so I think we can relate a little. Unfortunately, mine is still drinking although he "quit." Grrr.

You are NOT crazy. After you realize that things might be a little clearer. It probably wouldn't hurt to stay out of the dating scene for awhile and really look around for the next guy. Get to know him really well before consenting to an actual date. If alcohol is in the picture then keep moving on. I like Gabe's advice-be particular, you have the right to be choosy!! Go ahead and look for the perfect guy, you deserve it!!

If he is working the program, it is possible that he may clean up his act, and you may even get an apology somewhere. Even if he does clean up, I would leave this one alone. If work is getting to stressful, you may want to consider looking around for another job, its up to you.

I would recommend also, checking into some of the books.
Welcome again, glad to have you with us. You may also want to check out the Adult Children of Alcoholics board. It doesn't get as many posts, but Just Tired posts some great quotes and stuff.
Love you tons!

--Ă…ngel
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Old 07-26-2003, 12:40 AM
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You're not crazy though substance abusers are GREAT at denial and manipulation and spinning things so you doubt yourself.
This early in the relationship....RUN! You deserve better. You can't fix them.

Sorry if this comes across harsh, you sound like a big hearted woman!

-Midknight
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Old 07-31-2003, 06:47 PM
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****** SCREAM }}} I fell for this man from the FIRST moment I was introduced to him! IF I run, as suggested, I feel as if I would be desserting him! BUT.. OMG... the weeks around our office become crazy, when he calls me. It has now been a month since he last did a decent day's work. He has come in for an hour or two a few times, but he is definately getting much worse!
His AA sponsor had him talked into going to a center to get help, and was even going on the plane trip with him. RIGHT before his flight took off, he jumped off and ran. Caught a cab home, and called me. He left is truck, his sister, his AA sponsor, his luggage, ALL behind at the airport. He kept telling me on the phone that the loves me, and just wants us to get married. I told him he had to get help, before any future could be planned for us.
Today, right in the middle of my work day, he called, and told me he really didn't love me, that he was marrying someone else, and for me to take care of myself! Of course, he was drunk. I SO want to help this man, but he is making it IMPOSSIBLE!. GRrr.. sorry, I just needed to vent!
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Old 08-01-2003, 06:23 AM
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Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
This fellow is messing with your mind, his disease
is going to keep your head spining.
When my life became chaos I found the rooms of
alanon to be my salvation, a new way of life , a new way of thinking. When storm clouds come I have tools to find my way out of the dark, something I didnt have before. We have been effected by the drinking of someone else. I too came from
alcoholic roots.
Do something good for yourself Life.
Hugs
liddy
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Old 08-01-2003, 07:09 AM
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Hi liddy
Thanks for the advice. I am mentally SCREWED because of this guy, but do have enough sense to stay away from his house. I guess I will just have to stop taking calls from him.
I went out on a date this past Tuesday night, and am going out with the same man, Saturday night. SO, I am getting on with life, just feel SO bad because I can't help this man!
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Old 08-05-2003, 08:00 AM
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OMG!!!!! My ex b/f, D, just came into the office this morning, with quite a shocker! He talked a barmaid into running off to Las Vegas this past weekend, and getting married! OMG.. so.. in other words, he never loved me, in the first place? I agonized over this man, felt guilty for NOT putting up with his drinking, and all he wanted, was a wife??? Didn't matter who it was, as long as he was married?
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Old 08-05-2003, 08:06 AM
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Are you sure he doesn't have a mental illness on top of alcoholism? Schizophrenia? Borderline personality disorder/

No he probably didn't love you he was probably lookibng for someone to take responsibility for him. Thank your lucky stars you found out very early on.

And you keep saying you so want to help him, you can't.

Ngaire
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Old 08-05-2003, 08:26 AM
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OMG he got married! Well I think he may have just done you a huge favor! The heartache will pass sweetie. I am sorry for your heart!

LG
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Old 08-05-2003, 08:29 AM
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Hey, thanx yall for the comments. OMG.. it is STILL such a shock! He is telling everyone in the office, that he can't wait to see my reaction! HOW do I handle this, any suggestions?
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Old 08-05-2003, 08:32 AM
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oh, also.. one of you asked me if he has mental illness? His dad was also a huge alcoholic, and played mental games the whole time he was growing up. I tried to get him to talk to a counselor, but he wouldn't. I am quite sure he has mental problems, very, very major ones. Yes, I count myself lucky to have gotten out of it almost before it began.. Thank God, I found this place, it helped!
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Old 08-05-2003, 09:42 AM
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LIfe
I think playing it cool is the name of the game
offer him lots of good luck-he's goin to need it !
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Old 08-05-2003, 10:17 AM
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Life,

I say lack of reaction is the best one! Wish him luck, tell him you are happy for him, and put on your best game face. Cry where he cant see you!!! Thank god for unanswered prayers when wiping away those tears!

LG
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Old 08-05-2003, 10:42 AM
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sigh.. ok.. thanx yall, once again for the advice. I am the type of person that wears my feelings on my sleeve, AND my face, so this is REALLY going to be hard. His office is next to ours, but unless I go talk to my boss, I DON"T have to see him. GRRRRrr.. I HATE having to avoid someone! He is 42, the bar maid is ONLY 24, and he is telling everyone how much better she is than I am. WHAT a jerk! Yes, THANK GOD I got away from him..
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Old 08-05-2003, 10:56 AM
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He is only making himself look stupid when he talks bad about you anyways. People can usually see through that. Chant the serenity prayer in your head! Think of him quacking when he talks. Think of him sitting on the toilet everytime you see him, or something to make you smile or laugh. Do whatever you have to girl! You will be ok... hang in there!

LG
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Old 08-05-2003, 11:40 AM
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LOL... OMG!!!! LettingGo.,. you are SOOO FUNNY!!! Thanx, that REALLY gave me a great laugh, and I sure needed one, today!
Well, I just had my first confrontation with him.. sigh.. I did something REALLY stupid! I thanked him for telling me that he really loved me, and said I went back to my ex b/f.. JJEEEEEZZZ! OMG.. Did that sound stupid, or what? He doesn't believe it, either.. I just made myself look the dummy...
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Old 08-05-2003, 11:52 AM
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OK Life,

Stop the chaos! Stop the bleeding! Stop explaining any aspect of your life or who you are to him! He is not worth your time and you are just going to have to fake it till ya make it with this one. You WILL get over him and thank god for that! Smile and dont explain, it will make people wonder what you are up to! Easier said then done I know. No more making him jealous episodes! If you feel an explanation, or exaggeration, or a flat out lie coming up through your mouth again, promptly place your hand over your mouth, about face and run the other way. Yes you will look like a mad woman, but so what. It is better then letting your "mouth runneth over"! I used to have a horrible case of MOYA (pronounced just as it looks). That is "mouth overloading your a$$!" That is exactly what just happened. It gives him satisfaction to see you squirm, to see you jealous. I am serious, fake it! We have to fake everything else in life why not that! OK OK I am just kidding about the last statement, but serious about the rest!

LG
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Old 08-05-2003, 12:28 PM
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UGGgg!!!! WHY am I so dumb? I am way too gulliable, and he knows it! LettingGo, you are REALLY fun to chat back and forth with though. You are actually letting me see the humor in this WHOLE situation! I just ate lunch, and where was he? Right beside me, taking his ring off, telling me he would divorce her NOW, if I said the word.. AS long as we immediately got married. I am beginning to think he made the married part up? WHY do alcoholics lie so much? Does the truth hurt too bad?
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