Live

We have a couple of things in common. I lost my son at 20. I vowed that I would show how much I hated the loss and his death by showing how valuable life was through my own life.

I also go messed up with a man that I scared the heck out of myself wondering what it would take for me to finally have enough.
I did basically what you are doing I came here and began counting my sobriety days of no contact. The accountability made all the difference for me.
One day at a time, the days stacked up.
As I recall, it got much easier at about day 30.
But I really did need to come here and say day "x" and for someone to acknowledge that.
It worked.

For my whole life I will be grateful to SR for that!!!!!!
When I could not depend on me or trust me, I could depend and trust SR.

(Thank you everyone!!!!!! For saving my life)

FreeBird09

(((((liveweyerd))))) I am sorry for the loss of your son. I feel your pain, I know your pain. I too vowed that I would do the things in life that my daughter and grandson will never get the chance to experience. I live for them, and my daughter begged me just days before she passed for me to get away from my AXBF. She would say, Mom, you are better then him. He always wants you to change while he acts the same way. You are a wonderful person and he don't deserve your goodness. (I keep her thoughts in my head, and try to believe in me as much as she did)

I am counting the days of no contact. I am into day 5, or 6 (I am losing track because I have so much going on in my life, but I flipped back yesterday in my text log and I text him last on friday of last week to ask him to not contact me, so I didn't count that day) It is getting hard on some days, just because I am so use to making sure he is ok on a daily basis. It is hard to give up the 'control' of wanting to know if he is still alive. My biggest fear use to be that, and to know if he loved me still... knowing if he loves me still, in his sick twisted way does not matter to me at this point. I love me, and that is what matters. My children and grandchildren loves me and that is what matters to me.

Today is a new day, full of new surprises. I pray often, I talk to my daughter and grandson often, I look towards my HP for the answers.

SR is making a huge difference in my life!! I am hoping to get to the point of thanking the AXBF for leaving...

ButifulDreamer

Dear Sadending - You are having all his guilt thrown at your door and thats not fair. He is manipulating you and using your past to his advantage to make himmself feel better. I too stayed with my AH for 23 years......I found I had to start stepping back slowly and stop involving myself in all the crazy things he said and did. Slowly I learned to detach - again I slowly started stepping back, not getting involved in ridiculous conversations that would lead nowhere, no taking phone calls, not asking questions about things that involved his drinking...basically setting my BOUNDARIES, i.e., protecting myself, keeping myself safe mentally. I have to constantly everyday keep my mind on my boundaries because if I dont I will find myself going right back there - a conversation here or there and next thing you know Im involved again and feel like a gerbil on a wheel that cant get off:-).

FreeBird09

I find it more like being on the edge of a cliff, being pushed a little further and further until you fall into an abyss. Maybe a bit more dramatic, but none the less, how it feels to me to feel powerless over my own life for the sake of loving someone who can't 1- Love me the way I deserve. 2- Love themselves. 3- See tomorrow, and live for today.

It is going on nearly 4 months he has been gone. I have NEVER been alone before in my life, never slept alone, ate alone, etc. It was pretty scary for me at first, now I am LOVING it! I get lonely, but that is when I call a friend.

Good luck on keeping strong. It is hard, but worth it. I am gaining momentum by the second!.

GiveLove

Happy Day 6, sadending!!!

I think liveweyerd has a great idea in ticking off those numbers. We'd love to help you keep track. I also think you should give yourself a special treat at days 10, 30, and 60.....but then again I'm kind of a special-treat kinda gal
There are some fantastic airfares right now, super-cheap. Anywhere you'd like to go?

justaboutus

Keep it up Sadending. The more you detach, the more clearly you can see, and the easier it becomes... at least that's the way it is for me. I hope that's how it is for you too.

FreeBird09

Thank you so much for your support. There is someplace I want to go.. Scotland in the Spring! I am working my way towards being healthy in all aspects and treat myself to a trip.. ALONE! I am also working towards a few dreams I let go to the way side for the sake of 'love'. One being, Law School, the other being in the NYC Marathon. I am a goal oriented person who basically gave up on myself in the past. Back when my kids were younger I got a full scholarship to YALE and my AXH said NO, I couldn't go... and I didn't. I will NEVER let anyone stand in the way of my dreams again. It may hurt a LOT to let go, but if I am going to be all I can be, then I need to keep to task and do what is best for me. (and my kids).

I am stubborn, once I get this set in my mind, the days of missing the AXBF will dissipate to be a faded memory of what was once a fantasy. (I am praying hard on it)

I feel that I would have fallen back to my old ways if I hadn't found SR. I do have a FANTASTIC counselor, but I can't have her at my house ever day, like I do SR.

FreeBird09

A week has gone by and I haven't had contact with AXBF. I am feeling weak about it. I nearly text him last night, but thought a 100x's against it and didn't. I had the urge to let him know I love him, regardless of his illness, but because of his illness I do not wish to be in his life. I then thought about it and said to myself, I have already told him this, so what is the point! NONE!.

It's not as if my life is lonely, because I am not. I have friends, and have made new friends. I go out every weekend and do my thing. I just feel a tug at the heart where he is concerned. I think it is pity, because love is not about how much hurt can be caused.

Anyway, I made it through the first week. Hoping for a future of no contact. I am going to his home town (he is no where near there) and his Dad wants to have dinner with me. He has always been on my side about this situation, and had asked me a year ago to go tough love with the AXBF, but I couldn't. I don't know if it is such a good idea to do this?? I have 2 weeks to think it through. I don't want a night of AXBF talk. It will be bad enough I will be where we spent the first 2 years of our relationship together, let alone talking to his Dad.

Is it ok to still talk to his Dad? We do have a good relationship. I just don't want the AXBF to get the idea that him and I are still 'together' (the last time we spoke he voiced that we were just seperated but committed to each other??? where he gets that idea gets me?!)

FreeBird09

I had a bad night last night, missing the AXBF. I get real strong and then.. bam, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I think it's when he contacts me I feel guilty for getting on with my life when I know he is stuck in this horrible cycle.

It has been 10 days since no contact, and I haven't talked to him in about 2 weeks (on the phone).

I don't know why my mind keeps going backwards and missing someone who isn't good for my life. I was proud of my stance on this, and then I find myself crying all night last night about this.

I went out dancing with friends and had a good weekend, and then it hits me like this. I just don't know.

bookwyrm

Don't be so hard on yourself. Allow yourself to grieve the end of your relationship.

Be kind to you and remember that this too will pass...

PS I live in Scotland and if you do make it here in the Spring, bring your waterproofs!!

denny57

I would guess he gets the idea from the fact you still want to hang out with his father. Why?

I loved my MIL and she and I got along great. She never had a daughter and considered me as such. I haven't seen or spoken to her for 3 years. That's the way it has to be right now.

For me, it wasn't about missing HIM it was about how crappy I felt in being rejected.