New here, I NEED HELP DETACHING..
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
He called me this morning to tell me that he was sorry for his behavior, and that he is going to get help, and into a recovery program because he doesn't want to lose the only person he has in his life who ever believed in him (me). He said he was going to the Dr's first to get a perscription for depression, and then ask where the local AA group is.
I don't believe him....... (ok, I am not holding out hope)
I did tell him that in no uncertain terms that I will not be involved with an active A. That I am in my own recovery program from being co-dependent, and I will not stray off of my program for one second for anyone.
He agreed that he runs to the bottle every time there is even a little problem and that yesterday he went into full blown panic, with chest pains, he thought he was dying without me. I said, maybe for your life it is a good time for you to get into a recovery program. For once I did not feel sorry for him. I stuck to my 'guns' and repeated, for my life there is no room for an active A, and you must do what is best for your life, but if it is to include me I will accept no less. I will never be second fiddle to a bottle again in my entire life from this day forward. I also said, I am not telling you to do anything about it, I am not pressuring you to do anything about it, I am not asking you to come home, I am just letting you know that from where I stand, this situation is not healthy for you or I, and I want to be healthy in all ways. (Over the last year I lost 160 lbs, no medical intervention, just plain walking and minding what I eat) He agreed, said again how sorry he was that this is going on and that he is going to get help. I did also inform him that I will not be taking any calls from him if he is not sober, and if he gets in a pinch to call a hotline, or find someone healthy to call because at this point in my life it isn't me, and I can't help him in that capacity. BUT..., the enabler, co-dependent woman that I am, I went right online and started checking out all the places in the area that he is in where he can get help, I started to email him with it, and said... NOPE, you can't be doing that!! He has two hands, he will find help when he wants it, I can't be sending him pushy, controlling e-mails with a list of help attached.
Again, I am not holding out hope. All of me wishes this will happen, and we can have a happy ending, instead of a sadending.. but time will tell.
(Sadending is my name, because to me losing him is a sadending to what was to be the love of a lifetime that I waited for since I was 14. ) BUT my life will have a happy ending, with or without him.
I don't believe him....... (ok, I am not holding out hope)
I did tell him that in no uncertain terms that I will not be involved with an active A. That I am in my own recovery program from being co-dependent, and I will not stray off of my program for one second for anyone.
He agreed that he runs to the bottle every time there is even a little problem and that yesterday he went into full blown panic, with chest pains, he thought he was dying without me. I said, maybe for your life it is a good time for you to get into a recovery program. For once I did not feel sorry for him. I stuck to my 'guns' and repeated, for my life there is no room for an active A, and you must do what is best for your life, but if it is to include me I will accept no less. I will never be second fiddle to a bottle again in my entire life from this day forward. I also said, I am not telling you to do anything about it, I am not pressuring you to do anything about it, I am not asking you to come home, I am just letting you know that from where I stand, this situation is not healthy for you or I, and I want to be healthy in all ways. (Over the last year I lost 160 lbs, no medical intervention, just plain walking and minding what I eat) He agreed, said again how sorry he was that this is going on and that he is going to get help. I did also inform him that I will not be taking any calls from him if he is not sober, and if he gets in a pinch to call a hotline, or find someone healthy to call because at this point in my life it isn't me, and I can't help him in that capacity. BUT..., the enabler, co-dependent woman that I am, I went right online and started checking out all the places in the area that he is in where he can get help, I started to email him with it, and said... NOPE, you can't be doing that!! He has two hands, he will find help when he wants it, I can't be sending him pushy, controlling e-mails with a list of help attached.
Again, I am not holding out hope. All of me wishes this will happen, and we can have a happy ending, instead of a sadending.. but time will tell.
(Sadending is my name, because to me losing him is a sadending to what was to be the love of a lifetime that I waited for since I was 14. ) BUT my life will have a happy ending, with or without him.
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Exhausted from this mess..
As it goes, the ABF wrote me an e-mail yesterday retracting everything he said about getting help, and how sorry he was. etc. to go on to say how my counselor isn't helping me at all because I am being pumped up to think about myself when I should be thinking about what I have done to him by arguing with him about trust issues. How he will never, not drink. How I am avoiding the 'real truth' of the issues that it is me who is to blame for him leaving me. How I need to get a new counselor who isn't going to play the alcohol card, and talk about how my past abuse is the cause of all the harm and how I will never be free from the effects of it because counseling is damaging me more. (this is actual parts of the e-mail)
I did respond to his e-mail, and I know I shouldn't have.
I told him that I am find with who I am, and who I am becoming. That from where I sit, there is nothing left of our relationship because he keeps retracting what he says, when he says he needs help, and (quote) "thanks for your concern, but you need to concentrate on getting a job, and apartment, and not about me and my issues, because I can take care of myself" and that we are on the same page, when he says that God thinks it is not best that we are together. (for some mental reason he thinks God is talking to him, but it is when he is drunk)
I am so frustrated. He leaves text messages all day yesterday about how he was warned about being with an abused woman because I took all my pain out on him. (which is not the truth) How I am causing so much anxiety in him that he is drinking more to overcome. (What was his excuse before we got together, and since the time he was 8, he has drank to get drunk) I didn't answer his text, I wish I could erase him, EVER KNOWING HIM from my mind, my heart, and my soul. Knowing his has caused so much pain in my heart, more then my xhusband with all of his abuse. (I don't know why, but I am more angry at this situation then I ever was at my Xhusband) I don't think that I can ever forgive him for the hell he is putting me through. (which I can see that I am helping him put me through it by responding to him, and by reading his text and e-mail)
I am pretty depressed today. I gain momentum, and then he writes, or something and it gets me deep inside of me.
I did respond to his e-mail, and I know I shouldn't have.
I told him that I am find with who I am, and who I am becoming. That from where I sit, there is nothing left of our relationship because he keeps retracting what he says, when he says he needs help, and (quote) "thanks for your concern, but you need to concentrate on getting a job, and apartment, and not about me and my issues, because I can take care of myself" and that we are on the same page, when he says that God thinks it is not best that we are together. (for some mental reason he thinks God is talking to him, but it is when he is drunk)
I am so frustrated. He leaves text messages all day yesterday about how he was warned about being with an abused woman because I took all my pain out on him. (which is not the truth) How I am causing so much anxiety in him that he is drinking more to overcome. (What was his excuse before we got together, and since the time he was 8, he has drank to get drunk) I didn't answer his text, I wish I could erase him, EVER KNOWING HIM from my mind, my heart, and my soul. Knowing his has caused so much pain in my heart, more then my xhusband with all of his abuse. (I don't know why, but I am more angry at this situation then I ever was at my Xhusband) I don't think that I can ever forgive him for the hell he is putting me through. (which I can see that I am helping him put me through it by responding to him, and by reading his text and e-mail)
I am pretty depressed today. I gain momentum, and then he writes, or something and it gets me deep inside of me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sadending,
What are you getting out of continuing to accept his text messages? Besides more abuse, manipulation, and depression?
It seems that each time you get a full breath of air and begin to rise above the madness, his communications suck you back down into the sh**.
Perhaps you might try a trial period of no-contact with him. From the way things sound, he is only using you as his punching bag, has no true interest in getting sober, and it appears to be seriously interfering with your own recovery.
Just think about it.
Hugs
GL
What are you getting out of continuing to accept his text messages? Besides more abuse, manipulation, and depression?
It seems that each time you get a full breath of air and begin to rise above the madness, his communications suck you back down into the sh**.
Perhaps you might try a trial period of no-contact with him. From the way things sound, he is only using you as his punching bag, has no true interest in getting sober, and it appears to be seriously interfering with your own recovery.
Just think about it.
Hugs
GL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Just imagine how surprised he'd be to find you'd changed your phone number 
I'm sitting here open mouthed at some of the things he's had the gall to say to you, I don't know how you haven't lost it by now because I sure would have. It all sounds like manipulation, pure and simple. Projection also...lets throw her "percieved" issues at her and distract her from the real issue of my drinking, must protect the bottle at all costs.
The good thing about your situation is that he has gone, physically gone.
Do you want him back in your life? Not sober, not sorry, not the way you envision the "perfect" him to be, just the way he is today. If your answer is no I would seriously consider changing your cell and land line phone numbers.
*hugs*
I'm sitting here open mouthed at some of the things he's had the gall to say to you, I don't know how you haven't lost it by now because I sure would have. It all sounds like manipulation, pure and simple. Projection also...lets throw her "percieved" issues at her and distract her from the real issue of my drinking, must protect the bottle at all costs.
The good thing about your situation is that he has gone, physically gone.
Do you want him back in your life? Not sober, not sorry, not the way you envision the "perfect" him to be, just the way he is today. If your answer is no I would seriously consider changing your cell and land line phone numbers.
*hugs*
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Hi everyone, thank you so much for your input it is really, I MEAN REALLY helping me through this. I was so down yesterday, and I did lay in bed, and cried for a few min. until I fell asleep. I think I am letting myself get too tired and then reacting emotionally, instead of logically. I got up after 3 hours and set my mind to the 'no contact', and I didn't contact, didn't respond to his text messages (yes I did read them and it was how he can't believe I don't want contact, but he will respect my wishes (ya right, then why did he text me AGAIN! he don't respect anything I want, need, or desire) and that he has never been so hurt in his entire life. When I read it, I was thinking just what he told me when I needed someone to hold me when my daughter and grandson were killed.. boofinghoo.. for HIM!..
I am in a better frame of mind today. I went out last night and played pool with a friend, and it was nice. I don't think I thought about the XABF (see, I put X in front of it this time!!!!!, because it's OVER!) once last night (after I read the text I put it out of my mind)
The funny thing is, when I get a text from him I now say, what's the next installment of ******** coming my way, instead of 'poor him' like I use to think. I spoke with my brother this morning about the text, and his first question was... did you respond? (he is helping me keep on track, and he calls me several times a day to remind me to go 'no contact') I told him I didn't, and he said.. 'good girl' he dont care how hurt you have been over what he is doing to you, so why should you feel sorry for him! and how I deserve to be happy and not tied to so many problems.
TheMissus, your right .. if I answered no, then it's time to take some action.
I am in a better frame of mind today. I went out last night and played pool with a friend, and it was nice. I don't think I thought about the XABF (see, I put X in front of it this time!!!!!, because it's OVER!) once last night (after I read the text I put it out of my mind)
The funny thing is, when I get a text from him I now say, what's the next installment of ******** coming my way, instead of 'poor him' like I use to think. I spoke with my brother this morning about the text, and his first question was... did you respond? (he is helping me keep on track, and he calls me several times a day to remind me to go 'no contact') I told him I didn't, and he said.. 'good girl' he dont care how hurt you have been over what he is doing to you, so why should you feel sorry for him! and how I deserve to be happy and not tied to so many problems.
TheMissus, your right .. if I answered no, then it's time to take some action.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Big hugs to your brother for helping you keep on track! Sometimes, in a moment of weakness, it's only our accountability to another person that keeps us from sliding back into the chaos. How great he's willing to be that protector for you.
Keep building a life outside of 'him', sadending. Build friendships, talk to people in the grocery line, take a workshop or two.....make connections with other human beings. There is a whole support system all around you, here, and in your life, whom you haven't met. And we're pulling for you! :ghug3
Keep building a life outside of 'him', sadending. Build friendships, talk to people in the grocery line, take a workshop or two.....make connections with other human beings. There is a whole support system all around you, here, and in your life, whom you haven't met. And we're pulling for you! :ghug3
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Big hugs to your brother for helping you keep on track! Sometimes, in a moment of weakness, it's only our accountability to another person that keeps us from sliding back into the chaos. How great he's willing to be that protector for you.
Keep building a life outside of 'him', sadending. Build friendships, talk to people in the grocery line, take a workshop or two.....make connections with other human beings. There is a whole support system all around you, here, and in your life, whom you haven't met. And we're pulling for you! :ghug3
Keep building a life outside of 'him', sadending. Build friendships, talk to people in the grocery line, take a workshop or two.....make connections with other human beings. There is a whole support system all around you, here, and in your life, whom you haven't met. And we're pulling for you! :ghug3
Thank you for pulling for me. When I get a weak moment, I sign onto here to read the boards, to remind me that I can't change my XABF no matter how much it hurts to lose (the good part) him. Letting go of the control is really REALLY hard for me. I want to let him know that I love him, regardless of what an ass he is, but that will just keep me tied into the chaos so I am still at no contact. Today was the first full day of no contact. VERY HARD!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Agree with GiveLove in all she says. He is upsetting your applecart because his own apples are rotten. You don't want his c**p and sure don't need it from him.
Mom, we believe in God and maybe God is trying to tell YOU that he is not good for your life and you are better then all of this pain, and that you need to let go and move on. He is a jerk to you, and didn't appreciate you, and took you for granted. He said, I miss him too but he will never stop leaving us if he comes back, he will always use some excuse. All of his buddys that come to the house, and have been here says the same thing, You are a wonderful person and that guy does not deserve you, he is a jerk to you and my Dad (his friends Dad) said someone needs to take him out back and kick his ass for the way he has treated you. (quote from past post)
Your son advised you so well and is saying what I would like to say also.
God bless you
Mom, we believe in God and maybe God is trying to tell YOU that he is not good for your life and you are better then all of this pain, and that you need to let go and move on. He is a jerk to you, and didn't appreciate you, and took you for granted. He said, I miss him too but he will never stop leaving us if he comes back, he will always use some excuse. All of his buddys that come to the house, and have been here says the same thing, You are a wonderful person and that guy does not deserve you, he is a jerk to you and my Dad (his friends Dad) said someone needs to take him out back and kick his ass for the way he has treated you. (quote from past post)
Your son advised you so well and is saying what I would like to say also.
God bless you
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
No contact
I am still at no conatct. It is hard for me, as I am addicted to the AEBF, as much as he is addicted to alcohol. I felt at peace yesterday, for the most part. None of the jerking back and forth of the emotions from him, and from myself. I visited family, and friends and hung out with my son and his friends.
What a great bunch of kids!, one thing that I noticed about AXBF being gone is when my son's friends come over it's not stressful, it is nice, relaxing fun. Sure, they get a little loud, but they are all 15/16 yr old boys and that is what boys do. When my older sons come for a visit, it is relaxing. I don't have to worry about the AXBF getting jealous about my kids any more. He always said he wanted just me on an island, no friends, no family, just him and I. That had been his latest thing he wanted from me. To leave my family behind and live with him in another state because he don't like the family thing. And, if I loved him I would send my youngest son to live with his Dad (over my dead body) and just be with him. There isn't a person in this world who is worth more then my kids, and especially HIM!!
Anyway, I am finally getting out of the mindset of thinking about all the 'good' times we had in our relationship, and seeing it for what it was. A bumbled mess of semi happy times that always ended up with him being drunk at some point of any trip or outting, to the extent of him leaving me on the street in a hurricane 2 years ago 1/2 mile from our hotel, my choice was to either walk alone (in the dark) to the hotel by myself, or go into the bar and get drunk with him. I opted (with all my fears) to walk back to the room alone and proceeded to call a friend who stayed on the phone with me until the storm was over.
This board, and all of the other boards really give me insight. I know this is only day 2 into no contact, but I am feeling strong and praying for peace, joy, and happiness that I can only give to myself.
What a great bunch of kids!, one thing that I noticed about AXBF being gone is when my son's friends come over it's not stressful, it is nice, relaxing fun. Sure, they get a little loud, but they are all 15/16 yr old boys and that is what boys do. When my older sons come for a visit, it is relaxing. I don't have to worry about the AXBF getting jealous about my kids any more. He always said he wanted just me on an island, no friends, no family, just him and I. That had been his latest thing he wanted from me. To leave my family behind and live with him in another state because he don't like the family thing. And, if I loved him I would send my youngest son to live with his Dad (over my dead body) and just be with him. There isn't a person in this world who is worth more then my kids, and especially HIM!!
Anyway, I am finally getting out of the mindset of thinking about all the 'good' times we had in our relationship, and seeing it for what it was. A bumbled mess of semi happy times that always ended up with him being drunk at some point of any trip or outting, to the extent of him leaving me on the street in a hurricane 2 years ago 1/2 mile from our hotel, my choice was to either walk alone (in the dark) to the hotel by myself, or go into the bar and get drunk with him. I opted (with all my fears) to walk back to the room alone and proceeded to call a friend who stayed on the phone with me until the storm was over.
This board, and all of the other boards really give me insight. I know this is only day 2 into no contact, but I am feeling strong and praying for peace, joy, and happiness that I can only give to myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Way to go, sadending.
Wow, what a self-absorbed person he is. He wants you to have no friends, no family, nothing but him? That fits a typical abuser profile to a "T". I'm sorry, but that just makes me feel a little queasy. You seem like a person who takes great joy in your family (well, at least the healthy members!) How self-centered does someone have to be to want to take that away from you?
Hugs to you, your "withdrawal" symptoms will get better if you just stick with it.
GL
Wow, what a self-absorbed person he is. He wants you to have no friends, no family, nothing but him? That fits a typical abuser profile to a "T". I'm sorry, but that just makes me feel a little queasy. You seem like a person who takes great joy in your family (well, at least the healthy members!) How self-centered does someone have to be to want to take that away from you?
Hugs to you, your "withdrawal" symptoms will get better if you just stick with it.
GL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Good on you for not answering.
Now for the next step. Try what I did to someone who sent me upsetting txt messages. Don't open them, just delete them unread. You already know they will be all about HIM so why bother looking at them?
God bless
Now for the next step. Try what I did to someone who sent me upsetting txt messages. Don't open them, just delete them unread. You already know they will be all about HIM so why bother looking at them?
God bless
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
GiveLove, yes, he wants me to himself, no contact with the outside world, which is pretty scary. He said why should I have everything, live near my family, go on trips without him (since he has been gone, I have been trying to live, not sink into depression), have money, AND have my HS sweetheart. He said I have to give up my family if I want him. HAHA! NEVER! and my first granddaughter was just born a month ago, and with my daughter and grandson just getting killed in the tragic car accident there wouldn't be anything that can take me away from my remaining children and grandchildren. ESPECIALLY HIM! (or any man) I have told him over the last 2.5 years that I love him, not that I was brain dead to boot!
I am having withdrawl symptoms, sad to say. (Jadmack25) He hasn't text me but once since I asked him to please respect my wishes and not contact me. I know him though, he thinks I am playing cat and mouse, as I have done this no contact (or at least tried to) before, and I was always the one who broke it. BUT I can say, he was online today and I didn't contact him, which for me is HUGE! I will delete any text messages that he writes, from here on out. As I know that by tomorrow, day 3, he will contact me if I don't contact him (which I wont, besides my brother will be pretty dissapointed if I backslide after coming so far, and so will I, in the long run)
He is poison to me, just like his bottle (and perscription pills) are to him. His illness makes him so hard to love, and so hard to hate.. does that make any sense? Even equipped with the knowledge that he is totally self absorbed.
I am having withdrawl symptoms, sad to say. (Jadmack25) He hasn't text me but once since I asked him to please respect my wishes and not contact me. I know him though, he thinks I am playing cat and mouse, as I have done this no contact (or at least tried to) before, and I was always the one who broke it. BUT I can say, he was online today and I didn't contact him, which for me is HUGE! I will delete any text messages that he writes, from here on out. As I know that by tomorrow, day 3, he will contact me if I don't contact him (which I wont, besides my brother will be pretty dissapointed if I backslide after coming so far, and so will I, in the long run)
He is poison to me, just like his bottle (and perscription pills) are to him. His illness makes him so hard to love, and so hard to hate.. does that make any sense? Even equipped with the knowledge that he is totally self absorbed.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It's not necessary to hate him.....just to keep him away long enough for you to make some decisions about your own life without him trying to make you some kind of personal servant to his ego. His "disease" could also be far more under control if he would bother to get help...don't let that start the violins playing in your head, sadending. He doesn't have terminal cancer, he's an alcoholic who refuses to really work on recovery because it doesn't suit him.
Now, YOU giving up everything and taking all of his abuse, that suits him. I'd guess you're right that he'll contact you when he thinks you'll be receptive to him again,probably soon, since he has no other punching bag at the moment. He knows your weaknesses. He'll try to exploit them. It's a pity.
Time for you to show him the old patterns don't work for you any more
Good luck, sadending. Stay strong for you and your sons. Build a loving life without this madness.
Now, YOU giving up everything and taking all of his abuse, that suits him. I'd guess you're right that he'll contact you when he thinks you'll be receptive to him again,probably soon, since he has no other punching bag at the moment. He knows your weaknesses. He'll try to exploit them. It's a pity.
Time for you to show him the old patterns don't work for you any more
Good luck, sadending. Stay strong for you and your sons. Build a loving life without this madness.
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Day 3 has nearly come to an end and I am feeling sad today. I have thought about him a lot today and wondering how he is feeling, if he is safe, crying, sad.. on and on. BUT I didn't contact him, and he didn't contact me. (he would go a week without contacting me, to the point of shutting his phone off, making sure the answering machine is off, etc.) BUT this time.. this time there is no contact from ME, he must be amazed (because I am!)
I am missing the good, nice part of him today. But that is just a side of him he didn't like to show often, over the last year or so.
I am staying strong. Keeping myself busy. Letting God take care of everything. I may go to bed early tonight so I can get through the day quicker.
I am missing the good, nice part of him today. But that is just a side of him he didn't like to show often, over the last year or so.
I am staying strong. Keeping myself busy. Letting God take care of everything. I may go to bed early tonight so I can get through the day quicker.
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
AXBF left me a message on my cell phone last night, I didn't read it until this afternoon. I should have deleted it, but my curiosity got the best of me and now I am feeling guilty for going out, dancing, having fun... while he is suffering. It's the same old song and dance about how me misses the love from me, and don't miss the 'btchy' part of me. (who isn't btchy when you don't know how high the roller coaster is going to get, and when it is going to drop down into the darkest of hell) I had asked him to not contact me again and to please respect my wishes, but I knew he wouldn't, it would take a respectful person to follow through. (I guess I am angry, sad, and all that rolled up into one) He started the text with, you don't have to respond if you don't want to.. (and I don't want to!, so I wont!)
I just want to get on with my life and let him suffer his own consequences, which has come as a hard decision for me, as I am one of them people who hold on forever, kicking and screaming when someone else wants to let go. That hasn't worked for me in the past, and it sure wont work with him. My brother said, when it's my time to die, I am going to be stubborn and try to hold on and not let go. He said I will be 200 and still holding on because I just don't know when to let go. (That kind of said a lot to me, where sometimes you need to let go in order to live, or die.. or whatever comes our way)
I did cry at the text. I know him.. very well, and I know he is pretty sad, but maybe it will raise his bottom? I hope it does, so he can move forward with his life, even though it is going to be without me.
I just want to get on with my life and let him suffer his own consequences, which has come as a hard decision for me, as I am one of them people who hold on forever, kicking and screaming when someone else wants to let go. That hasn't worked for me in the past, and it sure wont work with him. My brother said, when it's my time to die, I am going to be stubborn and try to hold on and not let go. He said I will be 200 and still holding on because I just don't know when to let go. (That kind of said a lot to me, where sometimes you need to let go in order to live, or die.. or whatever comes our way)
I did cry at the text. I know him.. very well, and I know he is pretty sad, but maybe it will raise his bottom? I hope it does, so he can move forward with his life, even though it is going to be without me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((Sadending))) I just went through your thread for the first time. I've begun to really grasp that I've been addicted to my STBXAH as much as he's been addicted to alcohol. It's so hard to go no contact- and I wish I could, but we have a dd. I have a friend who has been sober 21 years, and he's lately talked to me about how I've decided to protect myself by having as little contact as possible with STBXAH- it's just got to be right now. My being anywhere near him is like my friend walking into a bar a year into his recovery and sitting there nursing a diet coke. That may be all he drinks- and it may not be. I had an emotional "relapse" over the past weekend with STBXAH- it was horrible! But through it I learned that in order to get better, I have to stop allowing myself to be sucked into the drama. I need the tools to do that- and it's going to take time. The best ones I have right now are fun with dd, friends and family, phone calls to safe people who love me, reading, journaling, al-anon, and a great counselor who is helping me get to the root of my need to control- as well as my self-esteem issues. It sounds like you are doing great keeping busy. I hope you will continue with no contact and maybe even consider counseling. I can't recommend it enough. I figure anything that can help me through this process is worth it! Take care!!!
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Thank you for the post Pajarito.. is is very hard to go no contact, but I want so much more from my life then what I have been getting from him over the last nearly 3 years. If I hadn't already been through this with my AXH, then I may not be able to be as strong as (I am trying) I am. After being with that man for 20+ years, ah, I KNOW I want more then what I have/had been getting from the AXBF. I don't want to go backwards in life. It was like a bad re-run of sorts, just a different man, maybe a bit kinder, liked to travel more then the AXH, but still the same alcoholic symptoms and I REALLY do NOT want that in my life.
I can say, I have been pretty down today because I read the text message from him, but I will pick myself up, dust myself off and have a better day tomorrow. I know that when he sees I am not contacting him, he is going to be relentless about it and contact me to get me to respond. THIS is where I will have to delete the messages so not to torture myself.
I am in counseling, once a week and have been for a year or more, and prior to that I was in counseling when the AXBF and I got together. I have been working on me for many years now. Something 'clicked' in me when my daughter and grandson were killed in the car accident. I went from existing, to wanting to LIVE. (Maybe my type of 'rock bottom' that alcoholics need to reach??)
Take care, and I will pray that you too will be able to go no contact. I am ok with the no contact, but I am missing him, especially around dinner time when we would spend quality time together, minus the drink.
I can say, I have been pretty down today because I read the text message from him, but I will pick myself up, dust myself off and have a better day tomorrow. I know that when he sees I am not contacting him, he is going to be relentless about it and contact me to get me to respond. THIS is where I will have to delete the messages so not to torture myself.
I am in counseling, once a week and have been for a year or more, and prior to that I was in counseling when the AXBF and I got together. I have been working on me for many years now. Something 'clicked' in me when my daughter and grandson were killed in the car accident. I went from existing, to wanting to LIVE. (Maybe my type of 'rock bottom' that alcoholics need to reach??)
Take care, and I will pray that you too will be able to go no contact. I am ok with the no contact, but I am missing him, especially around dinner time when we would spend quality time together, minus the drink.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
