TooMuch4TooLong

Worried I would like to share my experience with you, I will be brief. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by the stbxah. I prefer to refer to him as R, just one small way for me to no longer "own" him.

When I finally decided that enough was enough he played the blame game. I believe that he needs to blame me because if he did not he would have to look at himself. He is an active alcoholic so I don't think this is something he is willing to do.

He was very callous when I told him I was leaving, his only thoughts were for himself, where would he go, how would he make it, what would happen to him. Again, I believe that this behavior was another way to divert the attention from the true matter at hand. Had he showed concern or caring, once again he would have been forced to do something painful in recognizing that his marriage was over. An active alcoholic is simply not strong enough to face painful situations head on or they would not be active.

Please take this time to really think about you and your child, no child should be exposed to this insanity. Peace.

Pajarito

Yes. . . I feel the same pain. Today is our 13th anniversary. Over the past year I have not felt he was remorseful, sad or willing to look at his issues at all. His sadness was always about what he didn't have as a result of his leaving- good meals, cable, web access, a comfortable bed. . . never sadness for the loss of me/our marriage, the loss of the dream, the losses his child might be experiencing.

TooMuch shared a story with you/us that I think is very insightful. Active alcoholics just don't seem to have the ability to be self-reflective. If they were to admit any sort of weakness, the dam would crack and all hell would break loose. I can't imagine how my STBXAH would even begin to deal with the heartbreak he has caused. His choices are shocking to me at times, but I'm having to get used to them. A "healthy" person would not choose his girlfriend over time with his dd. A "healthy" person would not throw things around in the presence of company or children. And he'd be there for his dd. It's the saddest part of addiction- the complete disregard for the people who love them. I'm sad today- 13 years ago I never thought this would be what I'd be dealing with. I'm sure you can relate, and I am sorry you are having to face a reality that just hurts. But, you are the healthier parent, and your dd will thrive with your guidance. (((Take care)))

Silverberry1331

Hi Worried,

(((hugs)))....I so understand what you are going through. Everyone here seems to be walking along the same paths, but at different junctures.

My AH alternates between self-pity and blame. I felt the same exact sadness and still do that he just threw it all away, and never once felt bad about it (until there was no money, food, shelter, or sex to satisfy him). He tries various approaches to get me to see it his way, but ultimately his action speak loud and clear to me.

Take a deep breathe...hang in there. Nothing has changed with him, but it has with you. Take comfort in that, and do what is best for you.

CatsPajamas

In my experience, my ex was only remorseful and sorry and "willing to change" when he thought I was really GONE. Which I was. It was too little and much too late. I've learned that I cannot know what someone else is thinking or what his motives are... I can only know what I am thinking and what MY motives are.

I had to start treating myself with dignity and respect. I had to start honoring my truths. I had to get honest with myself and my sons. I learned that "what other people think of me is really none of my business." I had to learn it and I had to LIVE it.

Was my ex sorry? Maybe yes, maybe no. Was I sorry? In working my own program of recovery, I was able to uncover what my part was in some of the things that went wrong in our relationship. I was sorry for those things, and willing to make changes. Mostly I was sorry for allowing myself to live like I did for so long.

There is light and life on the other side. Slowly but surely, one day at a time. You can have a better life if you want it. This recovery stuff really works.

Big hugs
Cats

worriedwife2

I really want to thank everyone. This place is so great. The responses have been overwhelming and appreciate and thank each and every one of you.

Today has been a better day. I am just still sorting out my thoughts. You all have given me so much to think about. I truly don't know what I would do without all of the encouragement. I have never had a support system like this. You are the best. I am in tears writing this.:ghug

Thanks,
Chris

Lilyflower

Chris, I hope today brings you all the happiness and inner joy you so deserve to have

You are doing fabulously! keep on shining your light

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx