worriedwife2

Hello,

I really could use some advice. I left Friday night because he flipped out and started throwing things in front of our company and our four year old and their five year old. I asked him how much money he took from our account. To make a long story short, I caught him in a lie in front of our company. I wasn't trying to. He said I ask questions in front of people when I shouldn't. There was nothing wrong with what I asked. I caught him in a lie and they knew it. He has a pain pill addiction in the past that I think is going on again, but he denies it. I have confronted him about it, but he adamantly denies it. I see the people he is calling and they are not his friends, they are his suppliers. He spends all kinds of money with nothing to show for it.

So, I grabbed my daughter and went to my parents. This was Friday. On Saturday morning I went home and grabbed a few things. He was hunting. He didn't try to call me at all except for he wanted his debit card. I told him I left it at home.

On Sunday I called him and said "so this is it?" He said, "you left me." He is totally turning this around on me to say I walked out on him. I should have stayed and worked it out. He just wants me to forget about this and that be it.

I fall for his manipulation all the time. He ends up making me feel bad to where I forget the reasons I left. He has been so mean and moody. He cheated on me one year ago and I never let him pay any consequences. We did go to counseling and it did help, but not with the drinking and pain pill part.

I know he thinks I will just come home and all will be forgotten until next time. And, if I don't, he will blame me for all this. I know I shouldn't care what people think. He of course makes me out to be the b***ch that left him.

I don't even know what to do. Please give me advice. You all are so great. If you need to know anything else, let me know.

Thanks so much,
Chris

queenteree

I am so sorry you're going thru this. A's are famous for shifting blame, it's up to us not to fall for it. Also, try to read Toby Rice's Getting Them Sober. It's an excellent book, you can go on line and read excepts. One thing in it I agree with in that book is that alcoholics need you more than you need them. Only they'd like us to think otherwise. Keep strong.

NeedHappiness

Worried, what do YOU want to do? That should be the main question here? Do you want a better life for you and your daughter or do you want to always worry when the next drunken episode will occur, how bad it will be and in front of who it will be?
What I found was that the 2 times I kicked him out, then turned around and took him back....only made him NOT believe me when I was truly serious. If you leave, then MEAN IT, or he won't take it seriously. Who really cares who left who or why? In the long run, people are going to believe what they choose to anyway. I once heard the saying (on THIS forum) that "It is none of my business what other people think of me". That is so true.
IMHO, if you are truly filled up with this man's actions/non-action then I would be finding myself antoher place for me and my daughter to live. Or maybe stay with a friend or family until you are able to do so. Good luck to you

Pajarito

Mine was/is a master blame shifter. He announced he wanted a separation but dragged his feet leaving for a few weeks until I found a note he had written about another woman. I then told him to leave- NOW. Of course he now says I threw him out. It's convenient, but not entirely accurate. For me the issue came down to what I wanted. It took me a long time to decide, but once he left I had that time. I stepped out of his way and let him be himself, and what I found was not pretty. Funny thing, though- he had been himself all along, but I wasn't willing to see that. Once I started to see him for what he really is, and with time to myself I made some decisions I may not have been able to make with him living with me.

What do you want? You left in a hurry. Now that you have time to think, what is it you want- for yourself and your child? How can you get that? You seem to KNOW he will shift blame and make you look like the b- but that is only if you let him. You can't convince him of anything. So, what do you know? What do you think? How do you want to live your life? It may sound overwhelming, but you can get what you want- one step at a time.

Lilyflower

Mine also said I was the one who threw him out therefore it was my fault the relationship broke down, we could still be happy together right now if I hadn't gone and told him to leave, oh and by the way, it was also SR's fault because before I came here I didn't say what I meant and mean what I said. Therefore it would be all your fault as well that it ended.

On a side note, if there is any sign of violence in a home, I would say it is absolutely the best thing to walk out and stay out. My exabf was very aggresive and would pick me up and throw me across the room, he would grab me by my arms, shake me a squeeze me that I would have bruises on my arms in the shapes of his hands, one time he even punched me in the head. I am sorry to say of myself that it took more than one occasion of violence for me to end it with him. For a while I tried to stand up to him and show him I would not be treated that way, I hit him back, which only helped to increase his drunken rages, not make him realise what he was doing, which I hoped, in the height of my crazies, it would.

This display of violent intimidation is a big red flag signal to you, it may very well indicate that things are progressing to dangerous levels, which IMHO is what I feel. Therefore I think that you are doing the right thing, and protecting your child. My daughter did not witness every event, but one. He ordered her to leave the room, while he and I ''chatted'', as soon as she left, he lunged at me, in my terror I called out her name. She came running in screaming at him to get off me. I will never know what that did to her, but I know how I felt seeing those types of violent displays in my childhood home.

Stay focused and strong for you and your child,

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx

denny57

Why did you make this call and say what you did?

The question isn't to judge you - this is the process I had to go through myself. Why was I putting myself back into it when I claimed I wanted out?

It is said here a lot - watch the actions. What am I telling someone with my actions?

worriedwife2

I really don't know why I did this. I guess I expected him to fall all over begging me to come back and he didn't. He was just mad. Sometimes I don't even know what I want. I am losing my dream and I am afraid of being alone. There I said it. What is wrong with me!

Freedom1990

I was terrified of being alone, terrified enough that I stuck it out for 5 years despite daily beatings, him disappearing for days on end, and my then only daughter living in the midst of the violence and insanity.

katie44

Addicts always shift the blame there very good at it, master manipulators. You really need to concentrate on yourself and your children. How you see your future ? Alanon and this site is a wonderful support. As you know the addiction only progresses, until he is ready to get help nothing will change.

worriedwife2

How and what gave you enough courage to give up comfortable? I think that is my problem too.

denny57

Yes, that reminds me of me :ghug3

There isn't anything "wrong" with you IMO. Al Anon and individual therapy helped me enormously. While I've never been afraid to be alone, I had and have my own fears. Facing those fears and creating the life I want has been a challenge and a joy.

Keep posting!

veryrestless722

let me tell you my husband is the king of blaming me for everything wrong in his life, if i didnt do this or that he wouldnt have to drink so much, he ran off back in april, i was mad at him and left him at work, thinking he would take the bus or get a ride home, nope he left cause he couldnt put up with "me" anymore, well few months later when i he got in touch with me cause i had given my MIL my number to try and get money for baby stuff, he tells me its all my fault that I LEFT HIM, i literally almost fell over in the floor when he told me that
i told him if he went to a judge and told him that stupid story he would be laughed out of the court room, i left you at work , i did not leave the marriage, i was two months pregnant no way would i have left
course now his new girlfriend thinks im a b*tch from hell, from all the lies he's told, well guess what i think shes trash for dating a married man, so i could care less what she thinks of me, karma will get her just like his other girlfriend he had a couple years ago, karma came around and bit that girl in the a**, so its a matter of time for that one

so he can call me crazy, bi-polar, pyscho, or a b*tch , i could care less, cause the one thing he cant call me is a bad mother, but come every fathers day or he knows my due date, he will live with the fact he has a child that he cant see, he will have to go through hell to get me to let him see the baby , so go right ahead and tell the world how bad i am, how pitiful you are, how so very mean i was to you , I DO NOT CARE what he thinks anymore

his big thing to tell me the last time i talked to him was "hes finally happy" it was just pure hell living with me all those years, but i remember him livign with his other girl friend saying he was finally happy also, but that girl cheated on him twice and had him locked up for a month, if things like that make you happy then go for it be happy, just leave me alone from now on

let people talk all they want, the people who matter will know its not your fault, anyone else is an idiot

Ago

What I've heard and my experience was "When the pain of staying was greater then the pain of leaving I left"

It takes what it takes

I lived for the last few years with my alcoholic family, dating a practicing alcoholic, I felt trapped and helpless.

about seven weeks ago I left, no money in my pocket, I slept on couches, did some odd jobs....

I left my alcoholic GF about two weeks ago.

Since then, I have been attending meetings every night, got a sponsor, started working the steps, found a place to live, and have worked lined up for the next 6 days.

I have been terrified and lonely, but the support I have gotten has been overwhelming from the folks in these rooms, (as opposed to my XAGF, who called me homeless, jobless bum every time she got mad at me) and every day has been a little better, I'm getting my self esteem back, my core values are returning, my inner integrity is returning...I'm OK today.

I'm surrounding myself with people who love and support me, who don't hurt me then: invalidate my feelings, tell me I'm not allowed to have these feelings, lie to me and manipulate me, then if I call them on lying, turn it around and absolutely attack everything I am and say the most hurtful things possible about me, but people who have the courage to call me on my BS, in short, people I have met in meetings.

I was posting the other day about how "I might actually 'make it' " and someone responded with, "you HAVE made it, you got away and you are building a new life for yourself", and that fact is slowly sinking in.

Today, I'm OK, and tomorrow I will be even better.

One boundary I am setting for myself, is I'm not going to allow "comfortable" to dictate my choices today, because for me "comfortable" means recreating the abusive nature of my upbringing, so I will welcome the discomfort as a chance to change, to grow, to be a complete, happy, self sufficient human being that can bring light and love to those around me, so I can be truly helpful to my fellow man without expecting anything in return.

Good luck

Freedom1990

If I didn't leave, he was either going to beat me to death, or I'd die of an overdose.

I checked into rehab over 2 hours away from 'home', and never went back.

There was nothing left of me. I was dying physically, spiritually, and mentally.

Has it been easy? No. Would I trade it for anything? No.

I have raised 2 daughters (they are 10 years apart daughter #2 came in 1988) pretty much by myself since 1986.

There is a world of difference in my two daughters, and I have no doubt that the horror that my oldest lived in for 5 years (from age 3-8) had a huge impact on her, and she still can't let go of what I put her through.

He passed away last year at the age of 47 from complications due to AIDS.

Had I gone back home after rehab, I would have contracted AIDS too.

Tell me God wasn't working in my life.

Ago

P.S.

Oh, by the way, that's why my avatar is what it is, I've made a decision not to let people hurt me any more, not to be bullied any more, not to remain in situations/relationships where people hurt me, lie to me, manipulate me, invalidate my feelings, trample my boundaries, "hit" me then deny my feelings, I could go on and on.

My "inner child" has had enough! he's F'ing PISSED!!!

Today I choose to "vote with my feet" and when I set boundaries and they were trampled on, eventually, when the pain got too great, I left.

I am coming to a place of forgiveness for these people, my mother can't help being an manipulative alcoholic, my xagf couldn't help being abused as a child so getting all those adult characteristics of "abusers", God Bless Them, God bless each and every one of them, But God bless them far away from me.

I couldn't help them, but by God I can help me, I can't change them, but by God, I can change me, one day at a time in the "rooms" I can make life better for me.

worriedwife2

I just text him to see if he was getting our daughter today because he said he was. He replied that he is going hunting. Nice.

He truly thinks that he does nothing wrong and forgets how everyone else feels.

Barbara52

So, what are you willing to change in your life to deal with this?

Pajarito

Don't expect that to change. My STBXAH does the same. I expected it with me- but not with dd. I've had to change my mind as he's also doing the same kinds of things in regards to dd that he did/does with me- for instance- choosing to be with his new girlfriend over dd. NOW my goal is to continue to get healthy so that I can help dd through what I expect will be a lot of sadness, questions and anger.

BTW- (((BIG hugs to you)) for admitting you are afraid of being alone. That's a wonderful breakthrough. . . I've had the same fear. I'm finding the more I look inward the more I discover why I am who I am. It's not all great, but a lot of it is good, and it explains some of my issues that I want to overcome. Believe it or not, I am grateful to be learning more about myself and how I can move forward in a healthier way. Painful at times, but worth it.

denny57

Maybe he doesn't forget - maybe he doesn't care.

Who cares?

Are you hoping to get him to care? How?

worriedwife2

I want to thank you all for your replies. They really do help. I am just very sad right now at the thought of losing everything and he just doesn't even care.

Thank you.