LaTeeDa

This is the point I believe almost everyone here is trying to make.

You are letting her drive you nuts, but you don't have to. You have other choices.

Have you read "Codependent No More?"

L

Reddmax

Ahhhh-Ha.....

She's going to do what she's going to do, and she's going to bug me if she wants to bug me. My choices are to let her bug me, or go do something else. Control myself, not someone else.

Redd

HopeandPrayer

By jove I think he's got it, Redd It took me a long time to get to this point too. Now that you have an understanding of this, you can move forward toward a healthier you with or without you AW.

Hugs and prayers for your continued recovery, great job,
Barb

SereneRose

Well, I was in two disasterous alcoholic relationships. They made more sick in in the head as they were. I just didn't realize it until I had a relationship with a man who didn't have any addictions and I chewed him up and spit him out. Boy that was a wake up call. Anyways, I am dating a man in recovery now and it is just as hard as when they drink but they are coherant. I went to Al-Anon when I started having all those crazy codie thoughts, ya know that ones that make you anxious and nervous and there is really nothing you can do about the situation. Al-Anon has been my lifesaver in ALL my relationships because you don't even realize that you are doing it to in your life. Once you realize all the good thoughts, life is sooooo relaxing. I guess what I am saying is you are ultimately responsible for you life and once you practice detachment and good bounderies things get easier and your mind works more clearly..

Mr B

Exactly. I must admit that, in the heat of the moment, I sometimes get a bit mixed-up with where the boundaries really are and where my own motives lie. I'm a bit slow like that - working out my true emotional state and the underlying reasons why I feel I should take certain courses of action takes me a while and I simply can't do it when I'm feeling under attack.

What I found worked better for me, when my XAGF was trying to engage me in yet another pointless fight that would simply go over ground we'd covered hundreds of times before, was to think "Do I have to stay and listen to this crap, or is there something, anything that would be more fun and/or productive I could be doing with my time?"

Mr B.

SerenityGirl

My A has been sober for a long time now, but he doesn't go to meetings anymore. He has been very hard to live with at times, moody and I have always tried to manipulate situations (control) to prevent him from getting angry, walking on egg shells, not being totally honest, anything to keep things calm...BUt with the help of my higher power and reading co-dependent books etc. I am slowly learning to set boundaries and not let his moods control me. His misery is his problem, not mine....I refuse to let him pull me into his crap anymore....I still have a long way to go...but I am not where I use to be...