At what point are you allowed to step in?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
My xab was a loose canon, he was capable of destroying everthing in a couple of hours, would be arrested on a regular basis, was mean and nasty. I thought i was his guardian angel, who would pity him and help him out, what a wonderful person i was, a true martyr. If i had loved him in a healthy way i would have let him go instead of assisting the alcohol to ruin the man i loved.
Bounderies are for you, they are there to protect you. My xab didnt give a damn what i said to him when he was drinking, but i didnt have to stay and watch resulting in not having save him and not stressing out.
When he started drinking in my presence, i didnt argue, didnt point out that i was leaving because of his drinking i would say, "im gonna go in a bit, you have fun".
He couldnt argue with me. Please take care
Gill
Bounderies are for you, they are there to protect you. My xab didnt give a damn what i said to him when he was drinking, but i didnt have to stay and watch resulting in not having save him and not stressing out.
When he started drinking in my presence, i didnt argue, didnt point out that i was leaving because of his drinking i would say, "im gonna go in a bit, you have fun".
He couldnt argue with me. Please take care
Gill
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by NeedHelp81 
Do you mean what if he starts drinking in front of me anyway? Then I leave.
What I needed to do (because believe me I tried to control for over 15 years) was ask myself - then what? Do I keep going over and keep leaving every time he cracks a beer? Is that a pattern I want in my life? Is that what I want for my life, period?
If my answer to those questions had been yes, I'd still be with xAH today. I am the only one who can decide what, and who, I want in my life.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Sorry but it's apparent you are going to be with this guy regardless if he drinks or not. You make up excuses for him and then get angry if we dont' agree. And NO al anoners do NOT "deal" with drinking. We seperate ourselves from it. You knowingly are staying with a man who is totally toxic, immature, disresectful, alcoholic so what does that say about you? But hey.......if this is up your alley then keep reaching for the stars. I for one have better plans for my future.
It's a load of bull that he's helping you with your homework. We have all been in school sweetheart and I don't think any of us have gone to an alcoholic for "help". You look for excuses to stay with this boy. You are not ever going to be his savior no matter special you think you are. You are setting yourself and your future up to be a twisted and dark place. I don't know how young you are but you have a lot to learn. Instead of clubbing I honestly would suggest finding AA meetings so that you can see you are as sick as he is. Good luck.
It's a load of bull that he's helping you with your homework. We have all been in school sweetheart and I don't think any of us have gone to an alcoholic for "help". You look for excuses to stay with this boy. You are not ever going to be his savior no matter special you think you are. You are setting yourself and your future up to be a twisted and dark place. I don't know how young you are but you have a lot to learn. Instead of clubbing I honestly would suggest finding AA meetings so that you can see you are as sick as he is. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
Originally Posted by Stubborn1
Sorry but it's apparent you are going to be with this guy regardless if he drinks or not. You make up excuses for him and then get angry if we dont' agree. And NO al anoners do NOT "deal" with drinking. We seperate ourselves from it. You knowingly are staying with a man who is totally toxic, immature, disresectful, alcoholic so what does that say about you? But hey.......if this is up your alley then keep reaching for the stars. I for one have better plans for my future.
It's a load of bull that he's helping you with your homework. We have all been in school sweetheart and I don't think any of us have gone to an alcoholic for "help". You look for excuses to stay with this boy. You are not ever going to be his savior no matter special you think you are. You are setting yourself and your future up to be a twisted and dark place. I don't know how young you are but you have a lot to learn. Instead of clubbing I honestly would suggest finding AA meetings so that you can see you are as sick as he is. Good luck.
It's a load of bull that he's helping you with your homework. We have all been in school sweetheart and I don't think any of us have gone to an alcoholic for "help". You look for excuses to stay with this boy. You are not ever going to be his savior no matter special you think you are. You are setting yourself and your future up to be a twisted and dark place. I don't know how young you are but you have a lot to learn. Instead of clubbing I honestly would suggest finding AA meetings so that you can see you are as sick as he is. Good luck.
JMHO. I can tell you that your post would have just ticked me off.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
One of the first things I learned in Al Anon is that I do not take someone else's inventory. Name calling and predictions on someone's future are also not in line with Al Anon principles. Advice is definitely out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Personally, for me, bars aren't the scene I like to hang out at unless I want drama, which I don't.
I also make it a point to not be involved with a man who's an active alcoholic!
Oh wait a minute, I'm not involved with any man at all!
Seriously, I am so busy with my own recovery, full-time college classes, meetings, sponsoring others that I don't have time for a man, and that's okay with me!
Life is good!
I also make it a point to not be involved with a man who's an active alcoholic!
Oh wait a minute, I'm not involved with any man at all!
Seriously, I am so busy with my own recovery, full-time college classes, meetings, sponsoring others that I don't have time for a man, and that's okay with me!
Life is good!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bend OR
Posts: 197
Stubborn please don't post on my boards anymore. I was asking for help. i am trying my hardest NOT to get defensive and feel like I have done much better than past topics. I do have a bright future. I do believe in MYSELF. And believe it or not THIS ALCOHOLIC I speak of has way more years of schooling than I did. He is actually ranked as genius by his IQ. Yes he is an alcoholic - but that does not mean that he cannot help ME with something, he has offered to help me with. I will accept his help because for MY future I need help to get there!
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. No that is not a pattern I want in my life. But I have established that I am not completely walking away right now. Those of you who do not agree please keep your opinions to yourselves. I am trying to learn what boundaries I need to set up and how to successfully put them to use. There are many people in here who currently live with their A's and their situations are being respected. I would like to atleast be respected for coming this far and trying to discover new ways of dealing, learning, living with this disease.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. No that is not a pattern I want in my life. But I have established that I am not completely walking away right now. Those of you who do not agree please keep your opinions to yourselves. I am trying to learn what boundaries I need to set up and how to successfully put them to use. There are many people in here who currently live with their A's and their situations are being respected. I would like to atleast be respected for coming this far and trying to discover new ways of dealing, learning, living with this disease.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bend OR
Posts: 197
Oh and just to answer a few posts RE: bars. I am 21 years old. Yes I drink. Do not judge me because I go out and have a few every now and again. That is not fair. We are all because of dealing with issues of Alcohol and/or drugs but I choose to go to the bar sometimes. Im sorry if this offends anyone, but that's what I do. I enjoy other hobbies and doing other things as well.
Also, STUBBORN I just re-read the 2nd part of your post. How dare you say I am just as sick as he is. Do not come on here insulting me. Yeah I am 21 and yeah I am sure I have alot of things to learn. You don't know me or what Ive been through and you have no idea how I live my everyday life and the choices I make or what my future holds!
Also, STUBBORN I just re-read the 2nd part of your post. How dare you say I am just as sick as he is. Do not come on here insulting me. Yeah I am 21 and yeah I am sure I have alot of things to learn. You don't know me or what Ive been through and you have no idea how I live my everyday life and the choices I make or what my future holds!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Needhelp81, you remind me a little of how I felt when I first came here to SR.
How dare these people tell me what my brother is like, after all I know him better than they do, right?
Yes, right.
But they knew addiction better than I did, they all lived through it before me, that's why they're here. Just like me and you, because we're living through addiciton too. But we all have a choice, I chose not to let my brothers addiction rule my life. It doesn't mean I love him less or care less, it just means I accepted who he is and that he will live the way he chooses to live.
I chose to help myself, because in trying to help him I made myself physically ill, I lost hair, weight, I never knew a minutes peace for wondering what he was doing and what I could do to make it better for him. Coming here, reading and learning and being willing to do what is REALLY best for my brother has helped me so much, my life is so different now to how it was 18 months ago.
You'll do whatever you want to do, but the best thing you can do is to look after yourself first and foremost, honestly. I wish you well and I hope you find a way out of the insanity of addicton.
How dare these people tell me what my brother is like, after all I know him better than they do, right?
Yes, right.
But they knew addiction better than I did, they all lived through it before me, that's why they're here. Just like me and you, because we're living through addiciton too. But we all have a choice, I chose not to let my brothers addiction rule my life. It doesn't mean I love him less or care less, it just means I accepted who he is and that he will live the way he chooses to live.
I chose to help myself, because in trying to help him I made myself physically ill, I lost hair, weight, I never knew a minutes peace for wondering what he was doing and what I could do to make it better for him. Coming here, reading and learning and being willing to do what is REALLY best for my brother has helped me so much, my life is so different now to how it was 18 months ago.
You'll do whatever you want to do, but the best thing you can do is to look after yourself first and foremost, honestly. I wish you well and I hope you find a way out of the insanity of addicton.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bend OR
Posts: 197
Lucy A - Im not getting defensive for once! Well, I am now... I'm asking for help!!!! I know what he is, an immature irresponsible alcoholic!
Please understand that he is not ruling my life! Maybe parts of it, but I am working on it. It seems like everytime I come here I get criticized for EVERYTHING I am doing wrong and never kudos for what Im doing right - or atleast what I am attempting at doing right.
Maybe you're all right. I'm an idiot and I should go live with my stupid violent trashy boyfriend - Im just like him. Sheesh.
Hurt someone's pride a little bit.... Obviously this is doing me no good because there isn't anything good I am hearing out of it.
I will attend my meetings and take what I want from them.
Please understand that he is not ruling my life! Maybe parts of it, but I am working on it. It seems like everytime I come here I get criticized for EVERYTHING I am doing wrong and never kudos for what Im doing right - or atleast what I am attempting at doing right.
Maybe you're all right. I'm an idiot and I should go live with my stupid violent trashy boyfriend - Im just like him. Sheesh.
Hurt someone's pride a little bit.... Obviously this is doing me no good because there isn't anything good I am hearing out of it.
I will attend my meetings and take what I want from them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Im codependant, one of my traits is i like to tell people how to do something, how i think things should be, if they dont take my advice i get angry. This is something i am working on.
I came here and heard lots i didnt like, all the information i had was embedded in my brain, and slowly but surely they eventually made sense, but i had to make the mistakes for myself.
You will get there in your own time.
Gill
I came here and heard lots i didnt like, all the information i had was embedded in my brain, and slowly but surely they eventually made sense, but i had to make the mistakes for myself.
You will get there in your own time.
Gill
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
People here care, but they wont tell you you're doing everything right just because it's what you want to hear.
They've all been there at some point. Stick around and listen for a while. No one wants you to make the same mistakes they've already made, and no one is against you. You reached out for help, if you don't want to take what's offered that's fine too. I don't like to offer advice, I'd rather share my experiences and how I coped, but right now, I'd advise you to give it a go, have a listen and hear what's being said (not just what you think is being said)
They've all been there at some point. Stick around and listen for a while. No one wants you to make the same mistakes they've already made, and no one is against you. You reached out for help, if you don't want to take what's offered that's fine too. I don't like to offer advice, I'd rather share my experiences and how I coped, but right now, I'd advise you to give it a go, have a listen and hear what's being said (not just what you think is being said)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bend OR
Posts: 197
Well there must be something in my typing tone (which I know it's here now) thats making me sound like I am not listening. I AM!
Kimmieh - We are not together - atleast in my eyes. I don't know exactly what we are....I know we aren't anything how we used to be. I know that much....
Kimmieh - We are not together - atleast in my eyes. I don't know exactly what we are....I know we aren't anything how we used to be. I know that much....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I believe that people perhaps react a bit more strongly because they have been with their AH/AW for a long time, have children with them, and have hoped for a long time that it will get better and it never did. So when someone comes along who is 21 and has her whole life ahead of her (sounds corny, I know), maternal instincts run wild. It's only because people care and want you to have the great life you deserve.
As for the initial post: I agree with those who say walk away from scenarios like that. Don't get involved. And in your situation, from what I have read, you have every right to tell him that you will not be around him when he is drunk because he has been abusive and that is a HUGE red flag for me.
But the question is really whether or not you can be just friends and hang out like you are describing. I could not go from being romantically involved to being casual friends like that. Why do you want to (apart from the help for school)?
As for the initial post: I agree with those who say walk away from scenarios like that. Don't get involved. And in your situation, from what I have read, you have every right to tell him that you will not be around him when he is drunk because he has been abusive and that is a HUGE red flag for me.
But the question is really whether or not you can be just friends and hang out like you are describing. I could not go from being romantically involved to being casual friends like that. Why do you want to (apart from the help for school)?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by NeedHelp81
everytime I come here I get criticized for EVERYTHING I am doing wrong
Maybe you're all right. I'm an idiot and I should go live with my stupid violent trashy boyfriend - Im just like him. Sheesh.
Hurt someone's pride a little bit.... Obviously this is doing me no good because there isn't anything good I am hearing out of it.
I will attend my meetings and take what I want from them.
Maybe you're all right. I'm an idiot and I should go live with my stupid violent trashy boyfriend - Im just like him. Sheesh.
Hurt someone's pride a little bit.... Obviously this is doing me no good because there isn't anything good I am hearing out of it.
I will attend my meetings and take what I want from them.
If you feel people here are being critical of everything you post, that is your right too.
Nobody has called you an "idiot." If you want to live with your bf, that is your freedom to choose. I don't see any posts here that are telling you that you are exactly like him, nor that you should cohabitate with him because of it.
I've been on this board for over four years. There are folks here with a lot of recovery under their belts and it didn't come easy. This thread is out-of-control.
This is not MY board, and regardless of whether I agree with other's opinions or not, I am going to do my best to refrain from name-calling, labeling, and flying off the handle. That is not to say I am not guilty of such infractions, as I am certain I have committed them from time to time.
I am reporting this thread to one of the mods. It doesn't sound as if it's constructive or helpful, although I believe it started off in that direction ...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
That is some righteous anger! Actually, NH81 you remind me a lot of me "way back when."
I am a big believer in I get there (wherever "there" is LOL) when I'm ready.
Something this post has stirred up in me is this memory: when I first met xAH, I was self assured, confident and certain no one would ever treat me like crap. By the time I "survived" 20 years of alcoholism I didn't recognize myself. I hope with all my heart that does not happen for you. I greatly admire your courage in reaching out at such a relatively young age.
I wish you all the best.
I am a big believer in I get there (wherever "there" is LOL) when I'm ready.
Something this post has stirred up in me is this memory: when I first met xAH, I was self assured, confident and certain no one would ever treat me like crap. By the time I "survived" 20 years of alcoholism I didn't recognize myself. I hope with all my heart that does not happen for you. I greatly admire your courage in reaching out at such a relatively young age.
I wish you all the best.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I am going to go ahead and close this thread as it has deteriorated from the point of the original poster.
I would ask you all to remember why we are here - to share our own personal experience, strength and hope as we struggle with the effects of the disease of alcoholism in our lives. Some of us have been doing this for many years, and others are brand new. Some of us work our own program of recovery and others are so new that they don't even know what that means.
We aren't here to give medical or legal or marital advice or to tell someone else how to live their lives. We aren't here to pass judgment. We are here to offer help to those who struggle, and we do it best by sharing what has worked and NOT worked for us.
I will also remind each of you that you can put someone on "ignore" if that person's posts bother you.
Feel free to PM me if you have questions or concerns. As they say in Al Anon meetings, Take what you liked and leave the rest.
Regards,
Cats
Forum Mod
I would ask you all to remember why we are here - to share our own personal experience, strength and hope as we struggle with the effects of the disease of alcoholism in our lives. Some of us have been doing this for many years, and others are brand new. Some of us work our own program of recovery and others are so new that they don't even know what that means.
We aren't here to give medical or legal or marital advice or to tell someone else how to live their lives. We aren't here to pass judgment. We are here to offer help to those who struggle, and we do it best by sharing what has worked and NOT worked for us.
I will also remind each of you that you can put someone on "ignore" if that person's posts bother you.
Feel free to PM me if you have questions or concerns. As they say in Al Anon meetings, Take what you liked and leave the rest.
Regards,
Cats
Forum Mod
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