NeedHelp81

Ok. Looong weekend! First off - I hope all of yours was good.

The reason for my post is this: I know that I need to not take any responsibilty for my A's actions. Let him deal with the consequences.....

This Friday night he showed up at the bar I was at. He could barely stand and ignored me, just as I ignored him. About a half hour after he arrived a small argument started between people we don't know on the bar patio (VERY CROWDED)! I glanced over to check on him - I can't not make sure he's sowewhat "ok" - As I look there he is standing waving a knife above his head in the middle of this argument he has nothing to do with! His friend (also an active A/addict) is sort of laughing saying "stop dude! hahaha" Ok, well that's just not gonna do it for me! T didn't even understand that his friend was talking to him.... So without even thinking I did a Wonderwoman leap behind T and told him to put it away! His response "Hi BABY!!!!" I had to explain to him that there was a knife in his hand and to put it away. "Ok honey" was his response. Without folding it back up he tries to stick it in his pocket in turn stabbing his leg. I have to literally walk him to a table, sit him down, explain that he needs to fold it first, then put it in his pocket. After stabbing his hand a few times while trying to fold it he finally gets it in his pocket.

His brother says he wants to talk to me after this. I sit him next to the sweetest 62 year old woman ever and she starts talking to him. His bro and talk. R tells me that he isn't going to take T home with him. He said "He has that look in his eye and I don't want him to take it out on me." So, I make the stupid choice to take him to my house so he can sleep and not hinder the safety of others by leaving him there."

So, I got him into a cab after an hour of "I want to go home now"s from him after I had told him every 5 minutes there was a cab coming.... Ugh

The direct question I have is: When they are being violent or wanting to drive which affects innocent people surrounding them - did I do the wrong thing by stepping in knowing that he responds to me when he is so incoherent? If anyone would have approached him he would've gotten angry - which is why his brother didn't approach him. Should I have called the police? I couldn't have told the bartenders because it wouldve taken me 10 minutes to get one of their attentions...

LaTeeDa

I think the healthiest thing for you to do would be to avoid places where you know he will be. And if he shows up someplace where you are, best to leave. That way you don't put yourself in the position of being his savior.

What happened, happened. It's over. Time to start thinking about how you can avoid these kind of situations in the future.

L

LucyA

My brother used to do things like this all the time, even waaay back before I knew anything about alcoholism. I found the best way for me to deal with it was not to socialise in places he was likely to be in.

NeedHelp81

Thank you for your responses. That means everywhere! He is everywhere I am! I don't know why or how, but everywhere I go he shows up. Even if it's somewhere that he should think would be the last place I would go.

LucyA

I think it's really about consequences, if i took my brother home and rescued him from his violent/stupid/dangerous actions, I'm really saying 'it's ok, if you get yourself in a messy situation because of drinking I'll be here to smooth it over'
if I leave him to deal with the consequences of what he's doing then thats just what he has to do, deal with it.

NeedHelp81

I understand that much - but when there's innocent people around and he has a weapon, I would that it's a little bit too much of a detachment not to step in?

LucyA

You aren't responsible for them or him though. What happens the first time he has a weapon and doesn't respond to you, apart from to use it on you?

NeedHelp81

Ok......?

ToughChoices

I'm concerned for your safety.

It would certainly be nice to protect others from his violence, but I'm not sure that it will always be possible.

You stepped in over the weekend and no one was injured-
I'm glad that was the case.
But there's no guarantee that you won't be harmed next time.

It is not your fault if he hurts someone.
Please don't put yourself in a dangerous position.
This man sounds incredibly unstable.

Take care.
-TC

Stubborn1

You should have left as soon as you seen him in the bar. There comes a point where you are purposefully putting yourself there to be used. It's never ok to help him in that way especially if he has a knife. If you are looking for support in helping him the way you *think* you are, you probably will not get it. No one here will tell you it's ok to put yourself in harms way. You are self inflicting your own pain. Try finding some codependant meetings or al anon meetings close to you. Best wishes.

NeedHelp81

Thank you. I am not looking for support. I was simply asking if there is a point where you take your knowledge of this A and use it. That's all.

I just printed an Al-Anon meeting schedule a minute ago. I will attend one this week. What if I see his mom there? Can I say hi? Or since it's anonymous do I say nothing?

Stubborn1

Yes you can talk to anyone you want to in the meetings. You just don't mention them outside of the doors. I'm glad you are going. I would proabably not discuss him with her because she may feel uncomfortable. When you speak don't say his name but "my boyfriend" or "a dear friend". This way no one knows you two are talking about the same person.
I would probably ask her if she minds that you are there, just to be cordial.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

NeedHelp81

Thanks for the reply. She has always asked me how he was "really" doing, and I wouldn't tell her in fear of him getting upset. She is kept in the dark about him and his brother and they hide everything from her pretty well. She wants to help but doesn't know what to do or how bad it is. I can't tell her, can I?

TTOSBT

NeedHelp,
Wow, I must say I do not know you and I am proud of how far you have come in thought and action in the last week.
Like others have said, what is done is done. But yes, I think you need to not be anywhere that he is. You said I am sure that is what it feels like but that can not be entirely true. If he was wasted when you saw him at the bar and you got up and left, he probably would not have followed you to say, a coffee shop or even another bar. You know where he hangs out, don't go there. Yes that is going to mean that you will be inconvenienced by changing "hangouts" or place and stores that you frequent. But it would be worth it.

I wish you the very best and I really hope that you can relate at the Alanon meeting and that you are able to gain some perspective on how important you are, not HIM, but you!

NeedHelp81

Thank you TTOSBT! It just frustrates me that his stupid "disease" is now taking over every other part of my life besides emotional! I am mad that I have been so consumed by this person. And he is so oblivious to the actions I have taken to HELP him.

Ugh.

Stubborn1

What you tell her is up to you. A few things to think about though. This is her son and it could be devastating to hear what your child is doing. You may want to save her the pain of knowing. You can do the same acknowledment by saying "he isn't good" and without details.
I'm sure she is worried sick. I know my mother is over my brother.
Maybe you could make a deal with her that if you do talk about him it will only be at al anon and only when she asks?
Just like he needs to make a huge effort to not drink, you need to make a huge effort to not enable or "help" him again. No matter what.

NeedHelp81

OK. I understand what you are saying. I never really wanted her to know the icky details about his life. She has no idea....

Thank you!

Silverberry1331

I am so glad you are going to go to Al Anon....

It will equip you with the right tools that you need to answer a lot of these questions.

Hang in there!

Bernadette

Drunk, out of it, with a weapon, intending to drive? I'd call 911 like a good citizen. What would you do if this was a stranger? This stuff is SERIOUS! Take care of yourself Needhelp81-- hope AlAnon is helpful- give a few meetings a chance...I hope things start to turn around for YOU very soon!
Peace-
B.

sunflowerintx

That's some scary stuff, NH! I would have likely taken the knife from him and walked to the ladies room and thrown it away. Period.

May I ask if you spent the rest of the weekend with him? I would have when I was a Codie Extraordinaire.... *sigh*

I can honestly say to you that I used to go to places I knew my H would be so he'd see me and want me back. That didn't happen. I just got grilled on who I was with, who I'd gone home with, etc.

As for Al-anon meetings, I'd go to 2 or 3 a week until you find one where you're comfortable. I would find one his mom does NOT go to because you're ability to speak freely will be hindered.

Take care,
Sunny