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Old 09-30-2008, 12:26 AM
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I'm not quite sure where to start or end, so bear with me.First off, I love my wife more than life itself,making this pretty hard to figure out. She is what everyone calls a "functional alcoholic".

Her alcoholism does not affect her job, but her job DOES give her the ability to go have a few with her friends at lunch. There have been occasions where i will get a text or call saying"I just found a great new drink,so i'm a little buzzed"

She buys her wine in 1.5 litre bottles, which she will very often finish 1(or more)a night. She even goes as far as buying the cheaper brands so she can afford more, and checks to make sure the alcohol content is high enough for her when trying a new bottle. Here is where it gets complicated.....

For the sake of my story, She and I have 5 children between us.2 of mine from a PM and 3 of hers from a PM.We have different idea's about how children should be raised ie: DISCIPLINE! She gets VERY protective of hers, as I do of mine.We would also like to have 1 of our own.

My wife has a very obsessive compulsive personallity. She ALWAYS has to be in control,know more and be RIGHT. She is also an extremely caring mother.The first problem is, I can't communicate with her about the way I feel toward child rearing.She only gets defensive,angry and spiteful and often goes for another drink.She is always saying she wants whats best for the kids, and uses alcohol as an excuse!"If we're gonna have all the kids this weekend I'm going to need more wine" and "would you rather i have wine so i can be relaxed around the kids? or just be stressed out all weekend?"

She takes everything I say out of context, or turns it around on me.How do you argue with someone who's been drinking and "knows they are right" I have tried to ask her to stop,I've offered her my FULL support and even given it to her.It didn't last 3 days before she was asking me "can i please have one more glass, or will you be disappointed?" at which point she breaks into tears because she knows the answer. I have even found that i watch the fluid level in her bottles, to see if she is sneaking drinks.

So often, she tells me " i didn't even have that much" at which point i have to tell her how much she REALLY had.More tears. It's like a never ending cycle. Where do I go next?
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Old 09-30-2008, 03:04 AM
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Welcome Darth,

have a read of the sticky posts at the top of this forum or any other. These are the locked threads that contain a wealth of information, advice and knowledge about alcoholism, the addict and how all this can affect us as the family/friends/loved ones and CHILDREN of the addict; and it can make US very sick too.

The first thing I think that is important to begin to understand is the three C's -

You did not cause it,
You cannot CURE it
You cannot CONTROL it,

I cannot stress enough just how much your children and hers are being affected by all this. Whether you are aware of it or not they are learning life lessons from the both of you about how to deal with addiction, conflict, stressers and self esteem. Pop over to the ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) forum to see how living with an addicted parent, and with a compliant non addictive parent can affect the life of the child right up to adulthood.

I would seriously recommend that any plans to bring yet another child into the mix here be put on hold! Your wife has a serious problem, that unfortunately is PROGRESSIVE unless an alcoholic finds recovery through a 12 step programme or similiar to it, they have little chance of finding and MAINTAINING their sobriety, and the ability to stay 'functioning' begins to fall apart.

Other than that, both of you seem at ends about how to actually raise a child, so without coming to an understanding (which by the way would only be coherent and adhered to with a sober parent) about how to do this, the poor child would be stuck between two adults who bicker and squabble about him/her. Parents need to ''sing from the same hymn sheet'' if they are to raise a successful, healthy adult.

One more thing, you cannot argue with an alcoholic. It is pointless, they will twist turn and manipulate to get what they want - to continue DRINKING, you will not stand in their way, or change their view point on that. Only the A can decide whether they want to stop, and they will only do that when THEY want to, when THEY are ready.

Get a hold of ''Codependant No More'' by Melody Beattie, an excellent book! Begin learning to detach from her behaviour - it is not yours to fix or heal, you will not stop it; your emotions do not have to be blown around by hers.

Try to find an Al-anon meeting to go to, that will help you find tools to cope with home life, and if they are old enough Ala-teen for the kids.

Keep reading and posting, you can get through this to be a happier and stronger you.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 09-30-2008, 06:09 AM
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Cool

Originally Posted by DarthRedneck View Post
I have tried to ask her to stop,I've offered her my FULL support and even given it to her.It didn't last 3 days before she was asking me "can i please have one more glass, or will you be disappointed?" at which point she breaks into tears because she knows the answer.
My husband and I had a similar dynamic.

It seemed incredible to me that he didn't recognize his drinking as unhealthy.
I spent a lot of energy trying to convince him how harmful that amount of alcohol was to his body - his psyche - our family.

I gave him literature on alcoholism and medical options for treatment.
I wrote him poetry about how much I loved him and how willing I was to support him during his struggle.
I cried and pleaded and begged him not to follow his father's path into addiction - for the sake of our son.

Nothing worked.
All of my reasons for him to quit fell on deaf ears. Not because he's a bad and heartless man, but because he is a man who is compelled to drink alcoholically. His brain demands the drug and twists its reasoning around to accommodate that demand. Trying to explain reality to someone in that state is definitely a losing proposition.

It's heartbreaking to experience the alcoholic's denial.
But I found that I was in denial, as well.
I told myself that he wanted to get better. I believed that he wanted to get better, even though there was ample evidence to the contrary.

My husband would occasionally, after a particularly hard night of drinking, tell me that he wanted to quit. He'd say it - he even went to treatment - but he wouldn't actually stop drinking. He wasn't ready.

I had to get out the way. Step out of his business and take over my own. I had enmeshed myself in his struggle to the point that I felt physically ill when he drank. It crushed me.

But I came here. I realized and began to fully accept that it is not my fault that he drinks. I started trying to live my life without relying on his ability to stay sober. That meant rearranging our financial and housing situations, our childcare arrangements, and my general ideas about the emotional support I could expect from my partner.

He still drinks. I have peace. I will always pray for his recovery, but I no longer depend on it.

Alcoholism is a hard pill to swallow.
Keep your chin up, Darth - I'm glad that you're here.
Keep posting.
-TC
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Old 09-30-2008, 06:13 AM
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Your situation sounds familiar, only my XAGF didn't have kids. She was farther along that your wife when I met her. She already could not hold a job. She when through the LUNCH DRINKS, and was first twice for it. Now by the time a kicked her out, she hadn't held a job in 4 years. Just temp agency stuff here and there. A lot of the stuff you descripted sounded the same, one thing that really stuck out was the OCD. I do suffer from OCD, and my XAGF showed signs of it, but I believe it was due to the alcohol. When she did try to quit for a few weeks, the OCD think started to calm down.
Hope this helps, good luck. read, read, and read.
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Old 09-30-2008, 06:57 AM
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As others have alluded to, "functional" is not a type of alcoholic but a stage of alcoholism. It progresses. How fast can vary from person to person, but it will certainly get worse, not better, untreated.

Also, working on communication with an active alcoholic is futile. You are trying to communicate with someone who simply can't.

I know these things because I had to learn them myself. I also had to learn that I could not talk sense into him and get him to stop. I spent years of my life trying.

It is really tough to accept that it is out of your hands what she does. But, once you accept that, you can then begin to make choices based on what you can control--you. I second the recommendation of "Codependent No More." I had to read it three times before it began to sink in, but once it did it was a tremendous help. Another thing that helped me to sort out his problems from my problems was individual counseling.

Best wishes to you and your family.

L

Oh, and as an adult child of an alcoholic myself, I agree that bringing another child into this situation is not a good idea.
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Old 09-30-2008, 10:25 AM
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Darth,

Your post sounds exactly like my AW, but mine's further along and has a more aggressive personality. Mine was much like you describe at first. I hope she doesn't get majorly aggressive. Mine has started to lie, she's seeking comfort outside of the marriage, and started doing some really, really, really weird things. You have to know what you're getting into. Read a lot of the posts here, go to alanon, and if possible go to a therapist that has experience with substance abuse.

Your sanity is at stake, and you have little ones to protect.

Redd
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Old 09-30-2008, 02:57 PM
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Hi Darth,

Welcome...

I went through all the same motions with my AH.

Then I found SR, and it has helped me immensely. Quite honestly, when I first started posting and reading the posts, it scared the heck out of me. However, the information and support that I received here has helped me deal with this situation in a healthier way.

Have you tried Al-Anon? This would be helpful too.

Alot of great advice here, so take what you find relevent and leave the rest...hugs to you (((Darth)))). Keep coming back
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Old 09-30-2008, 04:22 PM
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Welcome Darth!
Five months ago, I was very similar to your wife. I was a functional alcoholic as well. But I was miserable. Looking back, I am not sure how my husband and I made it but we did.
Unfortunately the night before I hit bottom he and I talked about it and I told him (in tears) that I had a problem and needed to quit drinking. His answer was that I needed to slow down and that I probably wasn't an alcoholic. But then he had no idea how much I really drank. The wine bottle he saw was not the only one.

Unfortunately the next day I hit bottom when I crashed my car (after drinking of course) with our daughter in the car. Neither of us was hurt but it sure woke us both up. I have gotten help and have not had a drink since. Please protect your kids.

There is so much support here! Keep reading and posting.
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