blessed4x

For those of you that are seperated/divorced, I was wondering how you made that final decision? I've been sitting on the fence for a while now, waiting for a strong wind to blow me over.

I keep waiting for the "big thing" that will push to make that decision. For so long I had hoped that I could make him so miserable he would leave. Now I see that for the game playing it was. There's really no handbook on 10 easy steps to leaving your spouse, is there? I look over the things he has done over the past couple years. I'm not into war stories, but maybe a little validation would be good.

I've been locked out of my house with 2 babies in PJs when the temp was below 0. I was told by him "I'll knock every F-ing thing off this table and you'll pick it up if I ask". He drove our son to baseball after downing half a fifth of vodka (at 2 in the afternoon while I was at work), lied about it, then called me the "B" when I pressed the issue. Those are just a few.

He's never physically hurt me or the kids, he's really pretty wonderful when he's not drinking. But he won't stop on the weekends, and I can't make him. I don't know what I keep waiting for, but it seems like there should be something that makes it so bad I quit.

hadenoughnow

For me it was time when I asked myself where things were likely to be 6 months from now, when I realized that he probably would still be drinking and things would likely get worse not better.

Melec

I can only share the view from the other side.
STBXH had warned me, several times, that he was not going to tolerate my drinking. Kept drinking, begged him not to leave, promised to stop. Repeat. Repeat. He got to the point where it was making him physically ill to be married to me- he was having stomach cramps from the anxiety. Esp. since I was one of those super-cool partners who would not drink for weeks on end, (he would get his hopes up) and then I'd decide I deserved a break. What I put him through.
So it was a process, that led to the final event when he saw that I had betrayed his trust yet again. Ending our relationship was his break from the emotional roller coaster. So now we are separated.
I thank God, every day, that he did. There were many bad dynamics (aside from the drinking) that I was using to feed my addiction. Once I accepted that part of my life was over, I decided this was going to be a "now or never turning point" and have thrown myself into recovery in a way I never did before. I almost felt I couldn't- women feel an obligation to put other people first and I was doing a great job convincing myself that I was putting my family first, except on those rare occasions when I drank. When that lie evaporated, it did me a world of good.
I don't know if any of this helps.

denny57

One day he did something that was no different from what he had done for years, but this time it was different. I said "enough."

AmpHusky

I divorced my wife for an alcoholic. Now I kicked out the alcoholic. But anyway, you know it is time to leave when you are not getting the best out of the relationship. Staying for kids sake is not an excuse. It sounds like he will get worse, before it ever gets better.

Stubborn1

He has hurt you and the children. You were locked outside and he drank with the children in the car. That's abuse.

What made me seperate were my children. I do not want them to grow up thinking that it's normal for a man to be that way or for my son to treat a woman that way and they WILL. I don't want them to think it's normal.
I knew in my heart if I put them through even the smallest of things it was abuse to them.
Children remember things for the rest of their lives while it only affects us for a few minutes and then we soon forget. They don't.
I made him leave and set my boundaries in stone. I will go outside and if I think or smell he has been drinking then he leaves before the kids see him.
He is NEVER allowed to drive them anywhere.
I didn't care what he did to me but when my children were in harms way he had to go. THEY come first. BEFORE him.
Then.........I said......I care what he does to me. So if he calls he has to be respectful or he doesn't talk to anybody and I can do that for days, weeks. I have my control back.
He can no longer hurt my children or me.
I was lucky and got him out when they were infants. I have protected them ever since.

GrowingPains

I had to hit bottom myself.

After his drunkeness ruined my Labor Day weekend and I came very close to being seriously physically violent with him, I realized it was time. I didn't want to be that sad, scared, disappointed and angry anymore. Nothing I'd said or done up to this point worked, so separating was the logical next step.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

AmpHusky

I was putting my kids second to the XAGF. Now I see the errors of my ways. Never again will someone come between me and my children. I kept trying to make it easier for this A, and I still couldn't make her happy. KIDS, YOU, RELATIONSHIP.

blessed4x

Ouch. Hurts to hear, but it's true. Thank you for sharing your story (Thanks to all). I know there's lots of us in the same boat.....just waiting for it to get "bad enough".

Stubborn1

Bad as in........death? Beaten? For one of your children to call you a name? Exactly what are you looking for? The longer you stay the more you are getting used to that behavior and when you do get away you won't know what to do with yourself because you won't have all his drama to keep you busy. Your mind will be at peace and then you'll feel lonely.

I didn't mean to hurt you.( bet you haven't heard that in a while)

(HUGS)

ToughChoices

I hear you on the "pretty wonderful" front.
I spent a while telling myself that I shouldn't be upset, shouldn't want to leave because it just wasn't that bad.

But, one night, when he was doing the same 'ole same 'ole, and I was doing the same 'ole same 'ole, I saw the future in a flash.

And it was the same 'ole, same 'ole.

I felt like I was presented with a choice: keep doing this, or do something else. See what happens. Cause really, what are the chances that you're going to be more miserable than you are right now?

For me, it was both a process and an event. We both did the same thing one too many times.

-TC

blessed4x

Absolutely! I think I keep waiting for it to get LESS miserable, back to the way it used to be.

Stubborn.....I am not waiting for him to hit me or the kids, cause trust me it would only happen once. He no longer drives with the kids. I think I had to get the incidents out there in black and white because there can be months between them. Long enough to make me believe that things have changed for good. He's a hard worker, recognized for his contributions at work, a loving husband and father when he's not drinking. But I can't have it both ways. I want the man I married and I'm really ticked at the disease that has taken him away. I want to believe that he is somehow different and will wake up and no longer be an alcoholic, or that I was wrong and he doesn't really have a problem. But I can't live the lie any more.

I'm sure I'm going through the same stuff most of you have, and I am so very thankful I don't have to go through it alone.

lizw

I had been in Al Anon for about 3/4 years when my last relationship with an alcoholic/addict ended.

I don't know what happened or changed but what I do know is for some reason I just knew that was it. Then I got diagnosed with MS and that was the nail in the coffin. There was no way I could be sick and in a relationship with him, which says alot about who's needs came first in the relationship.

There was a serious of events leading up to the break up and I think a lot of them centred around the idea that no matter how 'good' I was, no matter how hard I worked my program, no matter how much money we had, he was always going to be abusive, because that is who he is. Maybe I realised it wasn't about me, well not in the way I thought.

Following that though I got into a relationship with a guy I believe was addicted to porn. It was an improvement for me though, as he was the first BF I ever had who was not addicted to chemicals.

Barbara52

For me, the final straw was when xAH allowed his first wife to insult me in my own home and refused to defend me 'cause he didn't want to make her mad. This moved me past the point of being sorta sure I wanted out to absolutely sure I had to get out.

blessed, if you can't take action for yourself, perhaps you can do it for your children. They are learning daily lessons about how adults are supposed to act, what a father is supposed to be and do, what a mother is supposed to do and be. They are receiving daily lessons that may lead them down the same road to relationships with an alcoholic.

My childhood with 2 alcoholic parents led me to learn all sorts of dysfunctional behaviors, led me to marry a man who was essentially my drunk father. I am now at 53 finally unlearning those lessons that your children are learning.

blessed4x

Thank you Barbara.....I did not grow up in an alcoholic home, so I have no frame of reference other than what I am learning here. My AH did grow up in an alcoholic home and when we dated in college he swore he would never do the things to his family that his father did. Now he denies that we ever had those conversations.

I'm afraid I am hanging on to something that isn't there.

Barbara52

It's sad but true that alcoholic and codependents often come from families where they learned those behaviors from birth. I have memories (few fortunately) going way back of my parents being drunk, of violence, of feeling unloved, of feeling responsible.

Chrysalis123

For me it was a series of things. 8 years ago he was in a terrible car wreck due to drinking and drugs, was very seriously injured and took 6 months to recover. I was shocked when the surgeons asked me how bad of an A was he because they were worried he would die if he went into withdrawals ....they asked me many times and I still didn't get it my denial was so deep. I stayed by his side and nursed him back to health. He briefly tried AA but declared he wasn't one of them. Slowly he went back to his old ways.

Fast forward to the present and I get seriously hurt, need surgery, and he decides to have an affair including an avalanche of lying. I won't bore you with the horrid details, but the behavior was so extreme that even I, the poster child for Codependents took notice. Then one day he did something he had done many times before, very disrespectful and selfish, and that was it. I was done and filed for divorce 2 days later. That was 2 years ago and my divorce was final 3 months ago.

I have been working hard on my recovery for the past year. It is still hard at times but I know my kids and I will be OK. I have my power back after 18 years, and I am getting to know myself again.

HopeandPrayer

For me it took finding my XAH passed out on the toilet with a lit cigarette when he was home alone with the boys who were 1 and 4. I got home from a late meeting one night around 11:00 pm, both boys were still awake and when I asked the oldest where daddy was, he pointed to the bathroom. I went in there and found him so far gone that when I took the cig out of his fingers he didn't even know it. My 4 yr old had tried to change his brother's diaper and get him a bottle because daddy couldn't get it took "work" right.

The next day I filed for divorce.
Barb

Berry1976

For me it was, when he called me drunk and high at work and cussing me out for buying food so he didn't have to take the card to work to buy "lunch"...
He got pissed at me and said well move the hell out I don't care, bla bla bla...
The next morning he had no recollection of that and pretended that everything was great, but I had already started to make plans to sell the horses and all my stuff and get papers ready for the dog so I could move home to my country.
Once the horses where gone he started to really freak out and started drinking more and taking more pills and ended up in the hospital because of it.
And of course that was my fault and he claimed it was a mental breakdown that I had caused when in fact it was seizures... Anyhow the parents believed him, and I got thrown out...
I'm now at home and loving life without him and without contact with him or his family. And I refuse to even care about how he or his family is doing.
He caused me pain for 5 years and I don't deserve that and I can tell you making that decision to leave was the best thing I have ever done!

bookwyrm

With me it's a process that I'm not quite done with yet.

I was miserable with my AH's drinking, which had increased over the 18 years we've been together and took a big jump at the start of this year. Finding this site and reading up on alcoholism and co-dependency made me change how I reacted to him as I tried to achieve detachment - which seemed to make things worse! According to AH I had changed, I was cold, unfeeling and gave him no support at all.

The verbal abuse was non stop when he was around. The dose of my anti depressants was increased. I was getting to the end of my tether. I had the 'nothing changes if nothing changes' motto going round in my head when he decided (in a drunken rage over who knows what) that we should split. I thought about it and agreed! I concocted a 4 month plan for leaving...

So we lived together for a few months but separate, trying to get the house sorted in order to sell. But there was still that little voice at the back of my head hoping against hope that he would see sense, get sober and we could rebuild our lives together. That got silenced when he told me he was in love with someone else in a way that was calculated to hurt the most. The final betrayal as far as I was concerned.

I didn't leave - he did. I think the guilt got too much for him and I wasn't giving him all the sympathy he wanted. He left when I decided I wouldn't do his laundry for him. He moved in with his mother and I've been rediscovering me (in between DIY-ing like mad to get the house sold) in the peace.

The house should go up for sale next month. Once its sold then I can finally move on - I feel like I'm stuck between the me I was and the me I'm going to be!