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Very down today

Old 09-17-2008, 07:47 AM
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Very down today

Its been nearly 2 months since I kicked AH out. He 'says' he is not drinking but has said that so many times I really don't believe him. He was served his cs/custody papers and we are in the process of all that. He comes and sees baby pretty much every day during the week for his 15 minute visit. Weekends are hit and miss which makes me think he isn't done drinking. He goes to court again tomorrow for his DUI.

Today he is coming over to discuss a schedule for visitation here. He can only see baby here at home. I am going for supervised visits. We have been just going along with no schedule and he just calls when he wants to see her. There have been a few times we were out and had to find another time and he didn't like that. Guess he thought we were supposed to just wait for him to call and be here 24/7.

We got into a text war last night. I feel so much sadness and resentment towards him. Our daughter has to pay the price because he couldn't/wouldn't stop drinking and stay faithful. Yet, he is treating her like a wishbone and claiming his 'rights'. What about what is best for her? A stable family, a stable father, one home, one Christmas, one birthday,no hurt feelings. He said that I have to remember she needs her father too. I told him yeah, she needs the father that was there when she was born and promised both of us that he loved us and would never hurt us again. The one that swore babies happiness is the most important thing and he would keep his act together (he wasn't drinking and had cut off OW). He then said he does love us but was tired of taking the blame for being a 'bad dad' because he made a couple of mistakes.

Mistakes? He didn't leave his dirty socks on the floor! That is the way he makes it sound. No, he was binge drinking daily, got a dui, and was continuing contact with another woman (that he slept with while I was pregnant)to stroke his ego. They are more than mistakes. What is worse, is he never owned it after I kicked him out. I would have been trying like hell to make things right. To show I have quit drinking and am committed to my family. He has just accepted life as it is and now we are fighting over baby. For heaven's sake she is not even 6 months old!

I love my baby so much. She is my life. I don't want to lose a minute with her or she with me because AH is such a jerk. I don't buy that he isn't drinking. He said that so many times and then found later he was sneaking around and drinking and even having my older kids lie for him.

I don't want to have this conversation today. I want a normal life with a normal husband. I know that is not possible with a AH not in any program.

Thanks for listening....
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Old 09-17-2008, 08:40 AM
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I'm sorry you are going through this. It's mind-boggling- isn't it? Mine has also downplayed a lot of very big things he did that I just could not live with- infidelity is among them. He blames me for every problem in our failed marriage, but you know- just because he believes that doesn't make it so. It's hard to be sure of yourself when someone you love is hell bent on making you the bad guy. It sounds to me like you are doing some good things for yourself and your baby. Yes, it's sad. I'm sad for the same reasons you are- no more one birthday, one Christmas, a lot to explain to a sweet child about her dad that you were hoping would just go away. Your baby is lucky to have you to protect her. Just know you are not alone, and she will be ok if you are ok.
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Old 09-17-2008, 10:50 AM
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I'm sorry for your pain. I know it's got to be tearing you apart when you compare reality with what you dreamed of.

Simply because visitation can get messy, is ther anyone else you can trust to supervise the visits? I could take one more piece of pain away from you to allow either a trusted friend or the courts to supervise the visitation.
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Old 09-17-2008, 02:56 PM
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Well the visit didn't go too well , but I stood my ground.

The first and only thing he cared about was after he loses his license for his dui how is he going to get here to visit baby. He wanted me to bring her to his house everyday for a visit. He actually wanted me to leave her there for 30 minutes and come back. Not gonna happen. I told him first, she is way too young, this is her home, not my problem he got a dui and he should have thought about that before he drank and drove. He only lives less than a mile away and he can walk, he can get his hooker to bring him, or I am sure my son will sell him one of his 5 bikes in the garage real cheap! She has also never been away from me and there is no way in he** I am leaving her with him. I also said he is going to have to figure out how to get groceries, get to work, post office, etc. so I am sure he will figure this out too. Seriously, he doesn't want to be inconvienienced by having to find a ride, but its ok for me to be a taxi all over the place every day to his house. No way.

So he brought up MWF and Saturday here at my house for 30 minutes each day. I was ready for an every day thing. Fine with me. 2 hours a week with your daughter is all he wants.

We also got into why our relationship didn't work. I think it was because of his out of control drinking and involvement with another woman. He thinks its because I nagged him about the drinking and overreacted about his 'friendship' with the other woman. Ummmm,.....you don't sleep with your friends. Your friends don't tell you to leave your wife and be with her.

I am sticking to my boundaries.
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Old 09-17-2008, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Startingover2 View Post
We also got into why our relationship didn't work. I think it was because of his out of control drinking and involvement with another woman. He thinks its because I nagged him about the drinking and overreacted about his 'friendship' with the other woman. Ummmm,.....you don't sleep with your friends. Your friends don't tell you to leave your wife and be with her.

I am sticking to my boundaries.
First and foremost - how many people leave their spouses simply for nagging, and how many leave their spouses due to adultry and emotional abuse at the hands of an alcoholic? Enough said.

It's amazing the same stories I read about on SR. My XABF has told me on SO many occasions that he wouldn't drink if I didn't nag him about it so much; also told me many times that I overreact. The worst was the other women - he called them 'mistakes', then said 'What? Are you perfect, haven't you ever made mistakes?"

Well, of course I have. Those mistakes did not include cheating on him with other men, lying and manipulating on a daily basis, going out of my way to make him feel horrible about himself so I didn't feel so bad about me, cheating him out of every dime he had so I could go buy another drink, calling him horrible, vile names, and basically making his life hell - all for an addiction.

One thing I've learned, is that everything they do is down-played; and 99.9% of what active alcoholics spew from their mouth is a manipulation in some way/some form. There is no 'reasoning' or trying to say 'hey, you did this and you did that', because they don't care. All they care about is themselves and what they can do to make their alcoholic life easier by using, lying to, treating badly and manipulating everyone they can that will help them.

I know it's difficult, but try not to listen to 'what' he says, and try not to rationalize it - look instead at his actions. There is no rationalizing the diseased alcoholic brain.

Keep sticking to your boundaries and stay strong!!

Sending you huge hugs!!!
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