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Communicating and other issues with STBXAH...

Old 09-16-2008, 10:18 PM
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Communicating and other issues with STBXAH...

Since I kicked out AH things feel so much better around here. But it has made communicating with him that much harder. I know he is mad that I kicked him out, but his behavior was starting to affect the kids. We never knew if he was comming or going so I told him to go. ANyways.... We live in an area that got the left over winds from Hurricane Ike. We have been with out power since Sunday and have quite a bit of a mess to clean up in the yard. Well I ask him if he is going to stop down and if he could help me with the bigger limbs. His reply to me is that he doesnt feel he should have to since he isnt welcome here and that he will no longer be paying for anything he cant use other than the house payment and my car. This leaves me paying for his insurance and cell phone along with all house hold bills. Then he does the whole speil about "you are getting what you want." SO I tell him "Yep my piece of mind."

I know I shouldnt be sarcastic but thats just the way I am. I often don't realize I'm being that way until after I say something. But I was telling my mom tonight about why he said he wasnt helping. She was like this is rediculous. You both need to go to counseling and figure out a way to communicate. SHe is so right. We went once but AH walked out. I know we need to do something but I dont think he will go back. I think alot of the issue with my parents is that neither understand being in any sort of relationship with an alcoholic and what it entails. They also dont know the extent of the way AH has treated me. My mom actually wanted me to stay with him another 2 years so I could get some of his social security later. Yea I dont think so. Another problem is that AH likes to call while I am out and cause drama. I dont go out often but when I do its always something. I wish I could just sever ties with him, but thats not possible. I know that alot of it is manipulation on his part, as well as my sarcasm. Other than watching what I say, does anyone else have any suggestions for better communication?
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Old 09-16-2008, 11:25 PM
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I'm new here, and others will be replying shortly, but just wanted to let you know that you are doing right. It's so hard when most people do not understand alcoholism!! I get the same from my ABF's mother....HIS mother, mind you..she gives me advise on how to deal with him, and expects me to take the advise......yet she does not have a CLUE what this desease is about, so the advise is all wrong. So ,it is very hard to stay "sane"....lol.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with the hurricane. I am in PA, and we only got remants of the hurricane.....yet some of us are still without electric after 2 days. So I can only imagine what it's like living in the actual area hit the most. Hang in there, something will work out for you.
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Old 09-16-2008, 11:48 PM
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Hi Wish,

I'm sorry I don't have a suggestion for better communication. I just wanted you to know that I understand your frustration! It is maddening when you cannot communicate even simple things.

I've always thought it would be good for AH and I to sit with a counselor and let the counselor mediate and teach us how to effectively communicate, but he does not want to go.

What horrible situations we are in.....but sounds like we both are moving in the direction of making things better!

Keep us posted!

Shivaya
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Old 09-17-2008, 12:02 AM
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Thanks for the reply! Its nice to hear that someone who can relate thinks Im doing right. People who havent actually been in a relationship with an alcoholic are telling me just about everything I'm doing wrong or should be doing. Truth is that I'm not sure there always is a right time or a right way to go about things with an alcoholic. I still question if Im doing the right thing everyday, but there is no turning back. Not to mention he has a girlfriend and well Im not playing 3rd fiddle. I already know he chooses alcohol and has choosen her through his actions. I cant say it doesnt hurt that he is with someone else, but I can only hope he treats her better than he treats me. I also know to I need to stop telling my mom so much. Its kinda hard though because I tell her quite a bit, just not everything. There are only a select few people who know the whole truth.

I'm in Ohio and we pretty much lucked out with the weather. Usually we end up with the thunder storms and maybe a tornado warning. This time we only got the wind. Alot here ended up with trees on their roofs. We managed to get by with only a few snapped trees and a smashed fence. Yea I really cant imagine what it is like down south either. I just hope they can get to everyone ok.
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Old 09-17-2008, 12:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
Hi Wish,

I'm sorry I don't have a suggestion for better communication. I just wanted you to know that I understand your frustration! It is maddening when you cannot communicate even simple things.

I've always thought it would be good for AH and I to sit with a counselor and let the counselor mediate and teach us how to effectively communicate, but he does not want to go.

What horrible situations we are in.....but sounds like we both are moving in the direction of making things better!

Keep us posted!

Shivaya

You know after reading your post I got to thinking, maybe its not only ah I need to learn to communicate with about this. Maybe its everyone involved that I talk to about this. I dont expect people to learn to communicate with me about it, but I need to learn how to better talk to people. I'm in no position to educate someone on an alcoholics behaviors, but if I try to learn what I can then maybe I can explain things better or in a way that they might understand why some of the things are so hard to just do or say. I dont think people get that alcoholism as a disease doesnt just affect one person. It affects everyone that has a relationship with the alcoholic.
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Old 09-17-2008, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by wish he'd quit View Post
This leaves me paying for his insurance and cell phone along with all house hold bills.
Why are you paying his bills? As to the rest of the household expenses, have you talked to an attorny about getting a separation agreement that specifies child support and all the other issues? Just because you are separated does not have to mean he does not contribute to the household expenses especially since there are children involved.

As for the communication and other issues, continue doning what is best for yo and your kids. That is the best you can do. His problems and issues are his, not yours.
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Old 09-17-2008, 08:15 AM
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When STBXAH left he did what he'd wanted to do for the past 3 or so years of our marriage- nothing. All of a sudden I had the entire house to deal with alone. I had to find creative ways to do things that were not what I had been used to doing- like getting on a ladder and cleaning out gutters. I asked for help from neighbors and paid neighbor kids to mow and help me with babysitting, etc. I decided that I needed to figure out how to live like a single person. If you are set on divorce, I suggest you behave like you are single. Your AH doesn't sound like he's willing to help you out. Take care of yourself.
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Old 09-17-2008, 10:11 AM
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Learning to live like I'm single is exactly what I need to do. I never was big on yard work, but I did 4-5 hours of it yesterday by myself. It was more cathartic than I thought it was going to be. After he made his comments I knew that if anything was going to get done it was going to be up to me. He did call this morning and say that he is paying the neighbor kid to come over and do some of it that I can't.

The second night that we were with out electricity, he wanted to put us up in a hotel. I'm sure he thought he was being nice or playing a hero or something, but this is the guy who only a day or 2 before told me that he couldnt help me pay the electric bill. I'm definitely checking into getting a living agreement for us until the divorce goes through. I'm definitely learning that the only thing that Im going to be able to expect from him is the unexpected.
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Old 09-17-2008, 10:30 AM
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Trying to develop 'better' communication with an AH, STBXAH, *insert alcoholic of your choice here* is like trying to develop 'better' communication with a bottle.

Trying to develop 'better' communication with untreated codependents involved in the situation is like trying communicate 'better' with a brick wall.

Just my two cents.
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Old 09-17-2008, 10:48 AM
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Freedom1990!!!!

Thank you so much for your 2 cents!!!! It is worth so much more than that to me this morning......

My AHA moment for this morning:

I have absolutely no problem whatsoever in communicating effecitvely with individuals in all aspects of my life, family, friends, neighbors, co-workers......the one person I simply cannot communicate with......MY AH!!!

Your statement has been so helpful to me!

Shivaya
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Old 09-17-2008, 08:41 PM
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I agree w/ Freedom-- there's just no healthy communicating with an alcoholic/addict.

Wish- you don't need it to be a "we" go to counseling to learn to communicate better! YOU can go to counseling to learn to communicate better! It will help! Even with him. Once your responses and reactions change, his old tricks won't be in play- once you learn some new communication skills - his old ways of communicating that trigger the worst in you won't work anymore. At least - that's the ideal!!

Work on yourself. Let him quack. Ask a neighbor or family member to help w/ the trees- the less you feel you need to ask of him the better.

Good Luck! Ike actually created a wide swathe of damage - my friend in the land-locked midwest is still without power too!!

Peace-
B.
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