Upset, is this a part of controlling?

Old 07-17-2009, 03:38 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Upset, is this a part of controlling?

Ok, so this may be a little off topic, but then again it really isn't. I got into a confrontation with my son (23) who has been living with me (not just him, but him, his wife and two kids) for 2 months after neglecting to pay his rent (yeah, he got evicted..shameful) He drinks several times a week (and so does she), but isn't an ass about it. I had a family emergency (my middle son was in the hospital)and wasn't home for 3 days, I had called home and reminded him and his wife to just make sure the dishes/kitchen were clean. This has been an issue since they moved in, as they don't want to do jack.. I arrived home, exhausted, under a great deal of stress, and not wanting to face a mess. Nothing was done. My son greeted me with , hi Mom, how are you doing, why do you look so upset.. which was nice of him. I responded kindly. I then said that I needed them to move out by the first of the month. He blew up at me, actually calling me names (yeah, my son, my first born son... ) He said, the people who love you the most and you want to make us do YOUR housework. I said hold it kid, I didn't even EAT here for 3 days and it looks like a cyclone hit my house. (not only the kitchen, but the entire house, drawings on my pine tongue and groove walls.. cookies ground in my living room rug.. chunks taken out of my Louie the 5th China cabinet....on and on) Needless to say it went from bad to worse.

My question is. Am I being a control freak? I mean, the only thing I KNOW I can control is my surroundings and I like to live in a home that is CLEAN (I don't mean, so clean it looks like I have OCD), that people are RESPECTFUL, and that it is PEACEFUL. I was cleaning up (their mess) just a little while ago and said to myself... all this arguing for a dirty house, what if something bad happens to him or one of the kids and I was so ignorant because I insisted that my house be kept in order (CLEAN!)

I feel, initially, that I was keeping boundaries. This is my home, you can stay here but you need to RESPECT my home and keep it clean (not what I mess, but what their family does in the way of making the mess) They also fight non stop, one day I came home and there was food up and down my walls that I took a month to clean (spring cleaning) and again I blew up about respecting my space.

Am I wrong? I feel so guilty.. but on the other hand I feel that it isn't much to ask, especially when I pay ALL the bills (they help with food). I told them I struggled a year to keep my house and be able to pay the bills on my own and have a peaceful existence, and my son said that I lost my family because I want a clean home, that I am never going to have anyone near me because I have to have things my way.

Please.. some input here..
FreeBird09 is offline  
Old 07-17-2009, 03:52 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by FreeBird09 View Post
This has been an issue since they moved in, as they don't want to do jack.. I arrived home, exhausted, under a great deal of stress, and not wanting to face a mess. Nothing was done. My son greeted me with , hi Mom, how are you doing, why do you look so upset.. which was nice of him. I responded kindly. I then said that I needed them to move out by the first of the month. He blew up at me, actually calling me names (yeah, my son, my first born son... ) He said, the people who love you the most and you want to make us do YOUR housework.
If I were to move myself, a spouse, AND children into my parents house because they are kind enough to take us in in times of need, I sure as hell would clean up OUR mess, help with their household wherever I can and respect that my mom has a right to find her house in the condition in which she left it or in which she would like to find it. And trust me, if I were to act like that towards my mom, she would kick me out and she would have every right to. That is just disrespectful and ungrateful and inconsiderate.

Seriously, how rude!
Kimmieh is offline  
Old 07-17-2009, 03:55 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
luciddreamrgrl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 108
You are NOT wrong! You are letting them live there for FREE and he can't even clean up after himself and his family? I'd kick him out on his butt too! I stay at my parents house frequently and would never not clean up after myself. In fact, every time my parents ask me to do something for them, I never say no! They have been so good to me. You have been good to them and they are taking advantage of you. I wouldn't feel guilty at all if I were you.
luciddreamrgrl is offline  
Old 07-17-2009, 03:59 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Heathen
 
smacked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
One more vote for the "you are ABSOLUTELY not wrong" side
smacked is offline  
Old 07-17-2009, 04:01 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Kimmieh... it was beyond rude. I thought I had tripped back 23 years and was facing my xhusband face to face again. It was... heartbreaking to say the least. BUT, I felt that my need for a clean house shouldn't be as important as having my kids/grandkids around... I think this is a codie problem?

The biggest heartbreaker for me is that I dote on all of my children, treated them as if they were made of solid gold
FreeBird09 is offline  
Old 07-17-2009, 04:03 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by FreeBird09 View Post
Am I wrong? I feel so guilty.. but on the other hand I feel that it isn't much to ask, especially when I pay ALL the bills (they help with food). I told them I struggled a year to keep my house and be able to pay the bills on my own and have a peaceful existence, and my son said that I lost my family because I want a clean home, that I am never going to have anyone near me because I have to have things my way.

Please.. some input here..
Let me get this straight:

YOU feel guilty for giving them a FREE place to stay after THEY got evicted? Um, if you want to be messy and drink and fight, they PAY YOUR RENT somewhere where you can do all those things!

If you are "never going to have anyone near you" who disrespects your property and takes advantage of your hospitality because you won't accept their behavior then I say GOOD FOR YOU! If you have to be a doormat and sacrifice your peace and serenity IN YOUR OWN HOME in order to have them near you, then good riddance, I say.

Sorry for all the YELLING, but the sense of entitlement this kid has is APPALLING.

As to your question--If you allow them to stay, and continue to harp on them to do things your way, then yes, it is a control issue. On the other hand, making them leave because they are trampling all over your boundaries is not control, it is self-preservation. Good job!

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 07-17-2009, 04:04 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Let's see. He, the wife, and children move in because HE managed to get evicted. They both drink several days a week (which is just one deal breaker in my home-no alcohol, no exceptions). They are not contributing financially, and live like slobs.

That would get someone thrown out of my house on day 1. I no longer accept unacceptable behavior.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 07-17-2009, 04:41 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
FreeBird, it's a matter of respect. Their irresponsible behavior got them into this mess, you made clear the conditions under which you were willing to help them, and they have walked all over you instead.

That's not control, that's setting boundaries, and you've done nothing wrong.

The biggest heartbreaker for me is that I dote on all of my children, treated them as if they were made of solid gold
Maybe it's time to let them take responsibility for their actions instead. That will grow them as people...not doting on them when they are using you.

You did a good thing by giving them a landing place. Now that they've abused that privilege, it's time for them to go. They are evidently thinking that you're a doormat. Time for a wake-up call.

Time to treat your self-respect and your serenity as if they were made of solid gold.
GiveLove is offline  
Old 07-17-2009, 05:20 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Lucid, actually my son is pretty lazy and never did anything. His wife did after I asked (nicely) several times.

LaTeeDa, I understand the yelling. I did a LOT of it yesterday. I never harped on anything. I read my bible daily and tried to keep a balance. He is one ungrateful kid and I need to step back (how sad) from him until he learns respect. My youngest son said to just let it go or they will never come around, and I said.. I would rather live alone then be treated like this.

Freedom.. yeah sad eh. They are contributing by buying food ($300 month) which is not much for 6 people.. and the drinking is really hard for me to accept. So, on that note maybe I need to make it a rule that no alcohol is aloud in my house.

Givelove.. I agree, my serenity and self respect is to be solid gold. I seen that once I started losing that balance, things started shifting out of place and it felt as if what I had built up for myself, in myself, was crumbling. I never want to be out of 'peace'. It's hard to accept that my son was using me, and abusing the privilege of being in my home, but it is true.

I thank all of you so much.
FreeBird09 is offline  
Old 07-17-2009, 06:03 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Just one more voice chiming in. Nothing for you to feel guilty about.

I felt the same way you described about my ex-a-bf. I was losing my serenity, peace and self-respect everytime he got so trashed that he would break promises he made to me.

Your son unfortunately is in the throes of his disease. You are powerless against it. Have you read Codependent No More? I think the essence and the damaging thing about codependency, is that we codies are willing to lose what we hold dear, in order to give everything up to someone who isn't capable of giving US anything. We don't even realize we're actually enabling them. We think we're helping. We're not.

I think if he had been allowed to live on the street, he might realize the consequences of his using. But, he's an adult and not really your problem anymore.

I am so sorry your son and his wife are bringing their children down with them, though. I wonder if you could get temporary custody of them or would even be willing to, since they sound like totally unfit parents.

Originally Posted by FreeBird09 View Post
Givelove.. I agree, my serenity and self respect is to be solid gold. I seen that once I started losing that balance, things started shifting out of place and it felt as if what I had built up for myself, in myself, was crumbling. I never want to be out of 'peace'. It's hard to accept that my son was using me, and abusing the privilege of being in my home, but it is true.
sandrawg is offline  
Old 07-17-2009, 06:45 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by FreeBird09 View Post
BUT, I felt that my need for a clean house shouldn't be as important as having my kids/grandkids around... I think this is a codie problem?
I think it is because rationally, shouldn't having your kids and grandkids around be possible without you being taken advantage of and treated poorly? But I know what you mean and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to doubt oneself as long as one is wrapped up in dealing with people who have no care for others but themselves (for whatever reason). Sometimes we just need this confirmation that what we do is reasonable because we are so used to feeling guilty for every darn thing.
Kimmieh is offline  
Old 07-18-2009, 04:19 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Kimmieh, you are right...

Sometimes we just need this confirmation that what we do is reasonable because we are so used to feeling guilty for every darn thing.

About 3 weeks ago I did tell my son that I should be able to have them around without life being in chaos. I said, because you have made poor decisions and have created this mess in your life should not mean that my life should be in a upheaval too.

I had to come to SR as I knew that if I was being a control freak, everyone would tell me. I felt like I was on the right track, but second guessed it. I am still a work in progress.

I really appreciate my SR family.
FreeBird09 is offline  
Old 07-18-2009, 07:10 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by FreeBird09 View Post
I had to come to SR as I knew that if I was being a control freak, everyone would tell me. I felt like I was on the right track, but second guessed it. I am still a work in progress.
We are all a work in progress, hon. :ghug2
Freedom1990 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:50 AM.