Startingover2

First of all I want to thank all of you here. Your advice and support has been so great. I do read other posts and try and support, but I feel like I am such a newbie that I really have no great advice. I really draw a blank in what to say as I cannot even figure out my own sich. So please know I always read, follow and support even if I don't have anything posted.

Ok, I am wondering if I should maybe write AH a letter and 'confess' me calling 911 that night. If I tell him in person he will surely blow up right after I get it out and I won't be able to get through to him everything I want to say.

Dear AH:

There has been something weighing on me and I feel the need to get it out. I want to first tell you that I am sorry you are going through this but if I had to do it again I would. I am the one who called you in that night. I felt I had no choice left in the matter. You drive drunk at least 3 times a week often with your children in the truck with you. I have begged, pleaded and even demanded you not drive in that condition. You still did. I understand you thought you were fine, but obviously you were not. I could not take the guilt of you killing yourself, your children or innocent people out on the road. You had to be stopped and I felt this was the only way. I am not apologizing for my choices. As I said I did what I had to do. I love you and hope that you see it that way.

Love
SO2

I don't know why I want to write something like this. Maybe its to relive my conscience. Maybe I feel like I need to confess before he finds out on his own.

What do you all think? Letter or just wait?

Thanks.

Barbara52

What do you think the letter will accomplish? What risks do you see from him reading it? What is your motivation in sending it?

Answering those questions may let you make an informed and safe decision.

Bernadette

Heya Startingover--
Since this is already in the legal realm I might hesitate to put something down on paper before his trial is finished. I don't know. What if that letter affected the outcome of his DUI trial?

It hurts to turn in a loved one. But you did the right thing. And when he finds out he may be pissed off but the point of the whole incident is not who called 911 or why he was pulled over it is:

He was driving at .22 (seriously impaired!).

I mean, what more do you need to say? If he flips out it's because he's still not ready to see REALITY and if anything that reinforces that YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!

"YOU called 911!!?? How could you do that to me??"
"YOU drove drunk. How could you do that to innocent people?"
One action is completely sane and legal.
One is insane and illegal.

Peace,
B.

Startingover2

Your right!!! Bad thought. I realized it wasn't a good move. I will just wait and see. He was drunk and if he and others think that is bad that I called then who cares!

coyote21

This is an excellent opportunity to practice "Let go and let God"...let's face it, you really don't have any control over the outcome of all this.

I would just pray and give it to God. I've done this MANY times in the last few years and guess what....it almost always works out in a manner I could have NEVER even considered, let alone been able to try and manipulate into happening.

After the fact I've been able to look back and go WOW, good job God. It never ceases to amaze me how well my Higher power takes of me and dd.

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

Spiritual Seeker

You have already done the right thing.
There is no need for a "confession" as it does nothing to further what is right.

He had a bottom brought up to him. Your kids and the public are safer.
Who knows what this conseq. may mean for him...hopefully the beginning of him taking steps toward recovery. At the least, no innocent victims the night you called.

BohemiMamaof3

I'm thinking about Steps 8,9 and 10. What you did didn't really harm your AH, it protected him and others from his willingly negligent actions that could have resulted in greater injury and harm. You didn’t wrong him, you protected others. You didn’t make him drink until he was impaired and then break the laws in place regarding DUI. He made those choices. There might come a day in the future, if/when he has progressed in recovery that you could disclose this, but for now I can only see it as making him angry.

NYC_Chick

DON'T PUT ANYTHING IN WRITING! There is no need to do that. If it comes out, then in comes out and you can deal with it then.

justanothrdrunk

When anything sort of like this comes up, I ask myself 3 things:
1. Is it true?
2. Does it NEED to be said?
3. Does it need to be said by YOU?

IMHO, this doesn't pass #2.

DesertEyes

I can't tell you what _you_ should do. That kind of advice is something that only a lawyer can give you. Nobody here on SoberRecovery is acting as a professional, we are all equal here, just regular people trying to deal with very painful hardships. So please remember that when you are reading people's posts.

What I can tell you is why _I_ have the same feelings towards my ex-wife, and then you can see if there's anything in what I have experienced that is of benefit to you. The reason I have a need to apologize to my ex-wife is because I am still in love with the fantasy of who I thought she was.

Had my wife really been the imaginary creature I thought she was, then my divorcing her would have been an awful thing to do. It would have been _my_ fault for not being loving enough, caring enough, forgiving enough. In my fantasy life, if I sacrificed _everything_ for somebody else, then that somebody else would recognize my sacrifice and reward me with love.

ok, fairy tale is over, reality closed that book in my face.

My problem is that I _imagine_ what people have going on inside their heads. I _imagine_ that my wife had pure and righteous motives for running around with married men. Basically, I'm chicken, and don't want to deal with the consequences of admiting that my imaginings were _wrong_. Just like my wife took the easy way out and avoided her problems by hiding in pain pills and easy sex, I took the easy way out and hid in a fantasy.

My wife is addicted to chemicals. I am addicted to fantasies.

The way I work the twelve steps of al-anon is I start like this:

1 - I am powerless over my fantasies, and my life has become unmanageable.

When I stop feeding my fantasies and face the reality of my life, that is when I realise that I have gotten myself in a mess and it's time to get out of it. Sometimes I have to check reality with my sponsor, or share it in a meeting, just to make sure I'm not fantasizing again.

Once I gave up on the fantasy of my marriage, and realized that my wife was just another sad human being that chose to avoid dealing with her issues, then I was able to walk away and save my own self. I still love the woman she was when I first met her, before the pills and the infidelity, but that woman is no longer there. Once in a while I still hurt for what we lost, but today it's just a small ache, like remembering yesterday's beautiful sunset. There's a brand new sunset coming later today, and another one tomorrow. _Real_ sunsets, a _real_ life, with _real_ people that care for me and love me, not with made up people out of my own imagination.

Mike

Startingover2

That was great. A fantasy. You could be right on. I still have this fantasy every time he walks in the door to see baby. That he will see how he is acting and behaving and make some big change and be the man I wanted him to be. Not gonna happen.

Bernadette

Wow Mike--
You should post that response as a thread!! That is some spot-on stuff that applies to so many of our situations I think! Thank YOU for that!!!
B.

DesertEyes

Thanx for the compliment I started a new thread over here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...fantasies.html

Mike

cem001

One thing you could do is now that you have somewhat written the letter (on here), shared it and got advice. I say it's now time to trash it or burn it. You did the right thing by calling him in. I only wished I had the guts when my RAH was still active.

Startingover2

I am glad I called, but not looking forward to the tornado of anger and revenge that will follow if he finds out.

I am not going to tell him, just wait until he finds out on his own. The letter did feel good but I am thankful I didn't give it to him now. Its shredded in the trash.

Maybe that is part of my codie-ness.....feeling guilty and wanting to apologize for something like this?

Barbara52

Starting over, what you did was a good thing. Never forget that. And it took courage. Good on you!

My xAH and I lived right next door to a cop. When I was preparing to leave xAH, I talked to B about it. B told me he knew xAH was an alcoholic and frequently saw xAH driving off drunk. Yet B, the cop, not once did a thing, certainly never arrested xAH as he easily could have, or have called in another cop.