NeedHelp81

You are basically trying to tell me he's sleeping with other women? Why are you so concerned with STD's? He isn't sleeping with other women, and might I add that STD's do not just come from drunks or druggies. Just because he is an alcoholic does not mean he's going to sleep with some "dirty woman and contract an STD."

And you're right there is nothing romantic about it - but how does it feel if I tell you THAT I GAVE HIM HERPES?! Huh? I wasn't promiscous, I wasn't a drunk or a druggie. He is too scared to sleep with anyone else Im sure because of what he has now. FROM ME! Yes he knew before we slept together and it was his choice, but I feel now that I owe him sex since no one else will want to be with him because you all think it only comes from "dirty" people.

NeedHelp81

No not at all. I am wondering WHY it is wrong? When we aren't broken up?

GiveLove

There are almost always harsh comments shared when someone walks in our door and states the intent to commit a mistake that we have already committed, and suffered horribly for it.

The hope is that you'll listen, and maybe avoid having you suffer the same.

Many of us did --- including me --- and my life's better for listening, rather than making excuses and getting all defensive.

Barbara52

You initially described him as an Xabf. Personally, I don't understand the concept of sleeping with an ex. I didn't have sex with my now xAH for years before I left him because his drunkeness disgusted me. I would not sleep with him because it grossed me out. I had too much self respect to give my body to that man.



I'm not saying its wrong. My morals and standards are not yours. For me it would be wrong. For you, maybe not. Perhaps you might want to take a look inside yourself and figure out why you think its ok to sleep with someone you describe as an X, who you seem to recognize might be coming over only to get laid? Whay do you think that is what you deserve in a relationship?

Now, some people think sex without committment is fine. If that is true for you, well that is true for you.

GiveLove

Well, first you called him your X. And I assume, from your past posts, that being with an active alcoholic is not what you want for yourself.

If everything's all hunky-dory, then what's the problem? Sleep with him. Don't. Whatever you like. The assumption's that you want some help dealing with an alcoholic in your life.

FormerDoormat

Here's what I'm thinking, and what I've learned through Alanon and by participating on this forum for the last four years. Nobody has called you dumb and no one has called you dirty. You are the only one to speak these words. Could it be that's what you really think about yourself?

I'm not asking this to point out your character flaws. Lord knows I have plenty of my own. But when I start putting words into other people's mouths, they are usually MY words and MY feelings. Does that make sense?

NeedHelp81

I describe his as my X - because it's easier to say than my - Current "on a break" ABF -

Sorry for misleading with that description but it was just easier.

Barbara52

How very sad that you think you owe him sex.

Or that you assume anyone in here thinks STDs come from "dirty" people. All sorts of people end up with STDs for a number of reasons, in a number of scenarios. I certainly don't judge someone for having an STD. It does sound like you are judging yourself for it though.

Alcoholism often involves engagin in unsafe sex. Not always but often enough that advice to be tested is only meant as an expression of being careful about your own health.

deezaldog

Needhelp81, You may not like all that you have read because it is not what you want to hear. That is when you need to listen up! I agree with all the repsonses to your posts. You are willing to settle for less than you deserve. I cannot say I had a rough life I had it so bad that is why I drank. I drank because I wanted to, I am an alcoholic.
From my view-yes it is that easy, I can stop communication with someone I love if they are jepordizing my sobriety.
When you realize you are not worth the crap he dishes out you may wonder "what was I thinking?" At least I hope you do. LOL

NeedHelp81

Plenty of sense actually. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's misfortunes and I probably am. That's all. I am sorry for getting defensive but I am just having a horrible time with all of this. These are things that he has called me. I know it only makes you all tell me not to see him even more - I want to change his mind. I dont want people thinking I am horrible, when I know in my heart of hearts that I am a good person. One of those people pleasing persons. I can't stand the thought of causing pain, or not being there for someone I love. Nevermind me - I'm always here with myself.

I don't know.

Sorry for getting mad - it's just an emotional time with LOTS AND LOTS of baggage.

Mair

You love your abf, i love my xab too and probably a lot of people who post here love or loved their A's. I couldn't accept my xab's actions any longer MY CHOICE.

I posted here to get answers from people who had been there who had been in the same situation as myself. I asked the questions, i wanted the truth, no matter how harsh the answer i asked for the truth and got it.

Not what i wanted to hear a lot of the time, dont' take offense this is the start of your recovery we really are here to "help".

Mair

GiveLove

Why has he called you "dumb" and "dirty" ? What does he base that on?

Does he verbally abuse you a lot?

I'm starting to understand why you have so little self-esteem, NeedHelp.

Do you think you're going to get smarter and more respectable in his eyes by falling into bed with him when he crooks his little finger? Is that what you call "love" ?

Take care of yourself. You're the only one who can.

FormerDoormat

So, if we're not offering the type of help that you desire, how can we help you? It makes me so sad to hear that he's called you dumb or dirty. You are a good person, intelligent too, and worthy of being treated with respect. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

BohemiMamaof3

I know it hurts. You know the real person, the sober person and you love him. But he has to love that part of himself enough to choose to be that person rather than the alcoholic Tyler. From what you wrote, it's like you'd rather settle for the alcoholic Tyler rather than no Tyler at all. That is your choice, but it's a tough one and it will likely bring more and more unhappiness in your life. There are different kinds of problems people have, some are thrust upon them unexpectedly, and some they actively bring upon themselves. If Tyler's only problem was that he was in an accident and lost the use of his arm, and he struggled with that, I would encourage you to stand by your man. But if Tyler got up every morning and said, I'm going to play Russian Roulette with this gun and see if it harms either you or I today, then I would advise you as others have done here. You are loving someone who has a problem, but it is a problem that they and they alone are responsible for. It will hurt you more if you stick around under these same conditions.

sadandhopeless

He can not miss something that never left his life. You sleeping with him only reinforces to him that you still accept his behavior and no change is necessary for him to be with you.

You have not taken really taken yourself out of the picture. You are just now giving him what he wants - you accepting the fact that you were never first - but will still sleep with him. Now he does not have to anser to you and he still gets to sleep with you. He has it made!!!

Please take care of yourself. Take the proper precautions necessary. I know you love him and know him and trust him but do it anyway.

You deserve more then what you are willing to accept.

Bernadette

Heya Needhelp,

I can't stand the thought of causing pain, or not being there for someone I love.

You need to let yourself off the hook here a little bit!

Take responsibility for your actions but you don't need to nail yourself to the cross. You're not that powerful in people's lives that everything hinges on YOU!! Believe it.

And I had a boyfriend in my twenties who gave me herpes. It sucked!! But neither he nor I have never thought - oh well we'll only be able to have sex with each other for the rest of our lives!! That's silly. He felt very bad about it - I was angry for a time and then, well you kind of have to just accept it! Herpes is SO common and manageable and I have gone on to educate myself about it and have had other sexual partners and 2 children and never given it to anyone, knock on wood. Your xAbf can do the same - he can read about it, talk to a doctor, learn how to manage it and how to be open, honest, and safe w/ future sex partners so the risk is reduced. (If you want to PM me with herpes questions feel free!) If anyone had the balls to tell me I was dirty because I have herpes I would punch him right in the nose!!!

We cannot go through life never causing people pain. We would not be human. We can take responsibility for our actions and make amends where needed. On this site and at AlAnon I learned that sometimes the most loving thing to do may cause pain: like detaching, having no contact, breaking up. It is loving because it puts the consequences of the person's behavior squarely on their lap. It stops cushioning the blow for them and letting them continue to see themselves as helpless, or excuse their addictive behavior because, well, it seems to still be tolerable to you.

I for one wouldn't want to be involved with someone who "can't live without me." That's for fairy tales and rock-n-roll love songs. In fact, my knowledge that my current bf can and will survive without me (and I him) keeps our relationship very active, very much in today, and very healthy, and very much a daily choice and commitment to each other.

There's no getting around it - if you want to grow as a human being, and handle being alone and like it, you simply must find a way to love and accept yourself (including the you that may cause pain, that may "let others down," that has herpes, etc.)

Also no one - ever on SR will ever tell you any of this is EASY. Are you kidding me???
Worth it? Yes. 100%.
Easy? Nope.

What you do hear a lot of around here - and it can sting for sure - is this: What about you? What are YOUR choices doing to further your life, your plans, your peace of mind, your mental health?

It takes discipline to start facing how we create our own misery and difficulties in life. That's why I come on here often. Because I need help and reminding of that! When I read a post that gets my Irish up I try to see it as an opportunity to break through some layer of denial I am probably trying to maintain.

We're all codies here Needhelp-- we YEARN to help you!!!! You wanna get laid - go for it. But if you ask a question and seem like you're fooling yourself about something - someone on here will catch it and try to help you see the other side of the coin, because someday they will need your help in pointing out the other side of the coin to them!!

Take what you can use and leave the rest.
Peace,
B.

HopeandPrayer

NeedHelp, I don't think anyone has ever said this is easy.

I think what eveyone is trying to tell you is: If you spent all that time trying to contact him and then when you quit he came running, and you fall into the same pattern that the two of you shared before, what's to stop him from bailing on you again when he wants to. What is in it for you except for sex? I know from personal experience that sex does not equate to love especially with some who is an addict.

We have all set our own boundaries, what is acceptable to us personally, and it is time for you to do the same thing. Personally, to me, if that is all I was getting out of the relationship I would start to question where it was going to end up.

Just to let you know I have been where you are, this situation you are in is how I ended up with my ex-AH. It started that way and continued that way for 10 yrs of marriage and 2 kids that went thru hell because of it.

So what I believe everyone thinks you should do is make your own decision but then understand that it was your choice not something you felt pressured into by ABF or your own hormones. Step back and assess the situation clearly, do a pros and cons table truthfully, then try to make an informed decision that you can live with.

Barb

sunflowerintx

How are you today, NH???

:ghug3

NeedHelp81

Feeling confused. I feel like a hypocrite and an idiot - we went to the bar -TOGETHER! He was obviously trying to stay and hang out with me but his stupid brother sits over his shoulder and stares at me until he gets uncomfortable and leaves.

Well, then he called and he stayed the night with me. We aren't broken up - I am just starting to feel like, " if you can't beat 'em join 'em!"

I love him and when we're together and NOT fighting I am so over the moon in love and happy. However, I do feel myself getting very anxious, I have been having slight panic attacks just worrying about him when he's gone. I have always had that problem - I do the same about my dad. It's weird! It's like I am in such fear of the pain I would feel losing someone, I would rather deal with the present struggles dealing with them.

Ya know?

LaTeeDa

I made that choice for a while, too. I drank with my husband because I thought maybe it would bring us closer together. I was so desperate to feel that he loved me, I almost destroyed myself.

It's your choice if you want to go down that road with him. If that's what you want for your life, then so be it. Just remember, you have other choices.

Life doesn't just happen to us. We are active participants, whether we admit it or not.

L