What to do?!?!
 

So I will admit I often make attempts at seeing my XABF. Well, I gave up finally - realizing he can learn how to make effort. Our relationship has always been one-sided..... I plan activities, I make sure the money is where it's supposed to be, I forgive him for being an idiot.....

Anyway, I stopped making an effort - well NOW he wants to come over today "to pick up the mail." I know that this is just an excuse, but I also know I will end up sleeping with him. Is this bad? I'm not enabling him by providing food, shelter, fun, blah blah blah..... but sometimes we "Accidentally" (hehehe that was a lie) end up in bed.

HELP! I know there isn't much I can do but say no - but during all of this, I still love him, I can't stand the thought of anyone else, and heck! A girl needs some attention every now and again....:dot:

Ugh.....am I completely WRONG?:dunno

Are you happy? Does it please you to go through this song and dance? Does it benefit the goals and plans, sort and long term, you have foryourself and your life?

Well - apparently we are just on a "break" - I KNOW for a fact that he is not sleeping with anyone else - and yes, I truly do know this for a fact!

However, I really don't know if it is wrong or not. I mean we are only a break while he gets his stuff together, I'm not going to cut off all communication by any means. I also am not going to leave myself hanging and wondering if we will ever be "back together." I am not strong enough to just let him go and hope his life will be ok. We run into eachother EVERYWHERE it seems like, and I do not want anything to be less than civil.

And yes - I feel as though I am happy - as life is now. No oit's not what I want to do until I'm 75 - and yes I wish things could move a little faster and he could be a little better - but I'm not settling down with someone and completely giving myself to someone until they do the same for me.

Well sounds to me like that just might be the only way I get to see him. I'll let him do a fly by if that's just what he wants - I am not too naive too believe that is a possibility. I don't think that's what it is, but I guess it's always a possibility.

And the way the things look right now - I don't know if he will get "his sh!t together" I cannot predict the future. I have taken MYSELF out of the equation, as in supporting him, letting him not come home to me, letting him disrespect me and make alcohol his priority - maybe it'll just give him more to think about. Maybe he'll miss me more if he can't have me there all the time, maybe I'm stupid and maybe I'm pathetic. I don't see how you all make this sound like it is so easy!

It's not! I honestly don't see you how you cut off communication with someone you love because they have a problem. I know Tyler when he is sober. I know how he was raised, I KNOW what alcohol and drugs are doing to him, and I don't want to be the one who throws my hands in the air and says "Good luck to you and the crappy life you''ve stumbled upon!"

First of all, I don't think any one of us would say it's easy to let go. I hung on for 20 years, so that tells you something about how hard it was for me.

But, I have to address your comment above. He didn't just "stumble" into his life. He made choices along the way, and those choices led to where he is now. And the same is true for you. In the OP, you alluded to not being able to stop yourself from sleeping with him. That's BS. You are making a choice as well. We all make choices every day.

When I stopped fooling myself into thinking that I was some helpless victim of circumstance, and started taking responsibility for my choices, I started making better choices. Well, what do you know? Owning my choices empowered me. You know what else? It's something everyone can do. There is no secret pill, or magic genetic combination. It's actually quite simple. Note that simple does not equal EASY.

L

I think it's disrespectful for a man's only interactions with me to be a 'fly by." I don't want to be someone's booty call. I'm much more than that. Alanon, SR, and therapy have helped many folks on this forum realize that they deserve much more than that from a partner and much more than that out of life.

Have you tried Alanon? If not, you might want to give it a try.

It makes me feel guilty. If I had a problem I wouldn't want anyone to walk out on me! Ive done my share. I am moving out of our house so he has nowhere to come "home" too. I don't give him money anymore. I'm tired of having to CUT MYSELF OFF FROM MY LOVE FOR HIM because he is messed up! I want him in bed everynight. I want to see him every morning. I miss him. That's all there is to it. I guess it's him being selfish because he's the one causing me too give all this up and depriving myself of what I give to him....

It's just so much easier to take it.

I don't like being alone. I absolutely hate it. I've always been alone. And yes, you're right I am an adult - but I am also human and don't just want to "move onto the next" because he "wasn't good enough." Who am I too say that I am too good for anyone? I have issues, I have caused problems....

It's just a big back and forth worthless time in life for me. I feel like I would just rather take it than have a broken heart for breaking his.

When someone starts drinking at 14 and has been doing this for 13 years, I'd say he stumbled upon it. At 14 you think you're just partying when really you're developing a lifelong hurdle for yourself.

If that is your choice, then that is your choice. What I see in that choice is a lack of respect for yourself.

When I got emotionally healthy, I realized I was too good--too good to be ignored, too good to settle for an emotionally unavailable partner, too good for men to think of me as a fly-by, too good to settle for less than I deserve, too good for LOTS of things.

There's nothing wrong with being "too good;" there's lots wrong with thinking I'm not good enough....

Ugh.....am I completely WRONG

Sorry probably not what you want to hear but YES. (((()))))

Mairx

He hasn't stumbled into anything. At any time during the past 13 years he could have decided to stop his behavior. It takes an affirmative choice each time he decides to take a drink. Just as it is an affirmative choice each time you decide to let him use you for sex, however you want to put it in your own mind. Its a choice. Perhaps a valid one for you. But a choice each time for you. A choice each time for him.

I know that I shouldn't but I know that I will.

:wtf2

Fine. Thanks for the "help" from most of you.

Then accept the consequences, whatever they may, as your responsibility.

Then what you are saying is that you are intent on doing something that you know is harmful to you. That's your choice. I'm not into self-injury any longer. Not surprisingly, that type of behavior only brought pain into my life.