Signed the custody papers

Old 08-11-2008, 03:43 PM
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Signed the custody papers

I was shaking today. I had to go to my attorneys office and sign the papers to start with the custody/child support issue. I had written a declaration stating why I felt I should have primary custody and incidents supporting it. I listed about 5 different incidents and his DUI along with a brief alcohol history. It really paints him as a flaky guy. I never really realized it until I was reading this 'story' of my life with him.

All I kept thinking about is how he will flip when he sees all of it in writing. Its not very flattering and my attorney could see in my face my concern but he said I needed to be truthful and complete if I was to get primary. Then my feelings went to sadness. I don't want to hurt AH and this will truly hurt his feelings. I am basically saying I don't feel our daughter is safe with him. Even though its 100% true, it is going to hurt him.

They are going to file it today and he should be served sometime next week after his second court appearance for the DUI.

I hate this is happening. I really don't see it being any way other than ugly.
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Old 08-11-2008, 03:52 PM
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You have my understanding, completely and totally. I'm going through exactly the same process right now with my sister... and it's emotionally exhausting. Your attorney is right, that you have to be honest even if that's hurtful and difficult. I dread having to hurt my sister and to have ugly things about her revealed in court... but in the end, if it's the only way I can protect the child, then it's what I have to do. I still don't know if we'll win our case but I can't see any other option than to try. I wish you all the best with your situation and hope things work out in the best possible way for the children involved. All the best.
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Old 08-11-2008, 03:55 PM
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Maybe the reason it hurts so much is because he IS a flaky guy. You don't feel your daughter is safe with him. That pretty much says it all. If he is hurt by seeing it on paper, that is his problem, not yours. As long as you were truthful, you have nothing to feel guilty about. His choices, his consequences.

I may sound harsh, but I think you have made the only sane choice in choosing your baby's safety and well-being. Way to go!

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Old 08-11-2008, 03:55 PM
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hey startingover2
Well if the truth is ugly and painful then so be it.
You're doing the right thing.
If it causes him pain, the fault is his own. You're simply telling the truth and protecting your daughter and you know you will never ever regret that.

The alcoholics in my life have often gotten violently angry when they are exposed as "less than" the false image that they work so hard to perpetuate. That false image is only serving their addiction and I came to realize that it was hurting ME to be involved in any way shape or form in helping perpetuate that phony image. So, their anger doesn't scare me anymore, and I simply won't participate in any charade that spares them facing their true selves, because my integrity and my sanity is based in REALITY.

Heavy stuff for you right now....sending you a shot of courage - you're really being so strong!
big (((((HUGS)))))
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Old 08-11-2008, 04:22 PM
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I had to do the same thing, I know it's tough. I had to do it while my ex was still living in the house so things got ugly but if nothing else he knew I meant business.
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Old 08-11-2008, 04:33 PM
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Starting Over 2, gosh I feel your pain!! Fortunately my kids are grown now, but I went through all that crap when my XH left for 1-1/2 years when my kids were young. It was horrible. The legal crap was so hard to go through, especially when your in an emotional state to begin with.

I'm having a tough time with throwing my ABF out 3 weeks ago, the emotional craziness, loneliness, grieving over the loss, and trying to remember that it isn't OUR fault when they appear to be doing so much better AWAY from us (from your previous post, I know you are dealing with that too). All that is horrible enough, and then having to deal with him with the baby issues, and caring for a baby, makes it SO much harder.

I thought about you earlier today, before I saw this post, and my heart just goes out to you. Please know that you are in my :praying
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:23 PM
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Look at it this way. You're not hurting him-his conduct is hurting him.

Were he a responsible non-alcoholic father, this wouldn't be happening, would it?

His actions have consequences, and this is one of them.
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Old 08-11-2008, 06:23 PM
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This is going to be so tough. He just came by for his visit with baby and he is friendly as can be. He seriously acts like he is my best friend. He has no idea what is coming!
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Old 08-11-2008, 06:33 PM
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Or, maybe he has an inkling of what's coming and is trying to suck up and be on his best behavior in order to manipulate you into not doing what you know you want to......

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Old 08-11-2008, 07:25 PM
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startingover, I do understand your reluctance to be "mean" but that's not really waht you are doing. As I see it you are treating him like an adult, laying out the truth as you know it. He may no see it the same way. That's ok. What is happening are the consequences of his choices and behaviors. He is an adult who is capable of understanding that on some level at least. You are doing what you see as right and necessary for your child and yourself. Don't ever forget that.
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Old 08-11-2008, 07:33 PM
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Don't worry about it. You know, if he gets his recovery program together, and gets well for a substantial period of time, you can always allow for changes at that time. It's not forever, in other words. Maybe he can be told that and it will give him something to work towards.
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Old 08-12-2008, 10:49 AM
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My wife was more then ready to go there, and now that I am sober I fully understand why, I was not only a drunk, but I was a threat to my childrens lifes and thier happiness.

My wife put herself and more importantly our children ahead of her feelings for me.

One thing you are not doing is hurting him, he has brought this all upon himself, who knows, he may do like I did and finally realize that the pain of drinking is far worse then the joy of drinking. and get sober.

My wife did me a favor by telling me it was over and her and the kids were leaving because she did not want them to have to watch me drink myself to death!

My wife saved my life by rejecting my chosen way of life and forcing me to face all the consequences of my drinking alone, no one left to enable me.......... I sobered up.
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Old 08-12-2008, 10:58 AM
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I'm going through the same thing. I did feel bad while I was putting together something in writing, but I eventually sorted it all out. The feedback you are getting is right- he is an adult. He made some bad choices and now he will have to deal with the consequences. The most important person in all of this right now is your daughter. Things may change in the future with him, but for right now you cannot trust her with him- that has to come out. I know it's hard. . . but you have enough emotionally to deal with. Don't take on his emotions and what he may or may not be feeling. If he is hurt- so be it. It's his issue- not yours.
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Old 08-12-2008, 12:07 PM
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Thank You for sharing this! These feelings are a big majority of why I haven't left, or filed any papers yet. I really don't want it to get ugly, I really don't want to dig it all up. I just wish he could behave like an adult and get through it. However I realize that if he was capable of doing that, I wouldn't be in this position in the first place.

I'm sorry your feeling the pain of his choices however I comend you for being so strong and going through with it. Truely an experience that makes me look up to you. One day I'll have the same strength and courage as you.
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Old 08-12-2008, 06:41 PM
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Gosh, I remember writing the details for my complaint and thinking how awful our whole marriage sounded. Then actually reading the complaint that my lawyer produced from my details - it sounded gosh awful. The sad truth is that my life was just that was just me not recognizing it.

Everyone is right - he is an adult. His choice of lifestyle is what you are describing. He may be a great dad when he's sober, but if you can't guarantee he's sober with your child...well that doesn't exactly leave you a choice in the matter.

I really found the "truth" about my relationship when I had to face up to it for the sake of my children. I couldn't hide the truth and let them suffer the consequences. It is what it is.

I know I was terrified of what would happen once STBXAH actually saw the papers, but for me, it was very anticlimatic. I let him know ahead of time that there were details in it about his "problem with alcohol", but prefaced it by saying I had to have a reason. Not sure if your attorney is telling you to keep it quiet beforehand or not.

Hang in there.
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