Jazzman

I'm back posting again cuz I'm really bummed out. My 15 yr old is really acting out and pulling way too much stupid teenager crap. Our relationship has plummeted to a new low. He's embraced the pot smoking crowd and now I'm now drug screening him on a weekly and restricting privileges AND School hasn't even started yet?!?!? The worst time of year! If I wasn't already anxious enough about school starting soon, now this wonderful news...

My 1st ex has gotten herself into such a nasty financial position (again) and is talking about moving (again). This means another resurrection of the visitation/schedule dilemma adding to an already volatile situation with a idiot teenager who's just as stubborn and head strong and his mother. She's talking about moving him to another school district and has given no thought to issues like.... we have joint legal, so it's not just her decision, (dunno why I have to keep reminding her of that). Or his reaction to her telling him "too bad, your going to a new school", (that's gonna go over like a fart in church).

I have an ex that will not learn from past mistakes, or play the tape all the way through. Even though we've been divorced since 96 I'm still suffering the consequences of her bad decisions. I have a disrespectful 15 year old who thinks I'm dumb as a box of rocks, who's making horrible choices now that will negatively impact his future. I have a job that sucks the life out of me but it suits me for what I need right now, the ability to keep close tabs on my idiot teenager. And I'm starting to feel lonely instead of alone and OK with it.

I'm tired of being in the "big person chair" and could use a friggen break. Glad I have a vacation planned. Thanks for letting me vent. Now you know why I'm back and posting. I get the support I need.

denny57

(((jazz)))

Jazzman

Well THERE you are! Was wondering about you...

sunflowerintx

((((( Jazz )))))

I don't have teens yet (I will have 1 in May - a drama queen) so I have no experience raising them, but I was a wee bit rebellious as a teenager. Okay, not a wee bit...I was hell from about 14-16. My mom forced me to live with my dad my junior year in high school because she couldn't take anymore. I hated my step dad at that time and here we are 20 years later and I named my son after him.

Honestly, I think I turned out fine. I'm a kind and compassionate human being and a contributing member in society. I'm also raising two incredible children. I believe that I am leaving a good legacy.

All you can do is guide him and continue to set boundaries. It sounds like you are doing the right things.

I also understand wanting a partner to share with. I also want that in my life and can't quite accept that I may never have it. I just feel like I'm a good person and I want someone equally amazing to share my life with.

I don't know what you can do other than what you're doing except possibly spending more 1:1 time with him. I do imagine that at 15 years old, that's probably similar to herding cats.

Is the vaca in the deep blue sea of the Caribbean?

(((( more hugs ))))

MsPINKAcres

((Jazz))

you know you are always welcome - hate things are so crazy with the ex and well, teenagers - still wonder why there isn't a law saying we can lock 'em up til they out grow it - Oh wait I know cause some of my girls are in their late 20's and still haven't out grown the teenage behaviors!! lol

Regardless of the reason - glad your back and sending out good thoughts & prayers for you and your family!

Wishing you Serenity, Joy and Love,
Rita

miss communicat

(((((((((jazz))))))))

I could relate to every. single. word. you wrote.

good news is I survived my former teenage offsprings' bad years, and you will, too~
don't go too far away. let us be with you.

penneypoo

That is exactly how I'm feeling today, thanks for that. We'll get through it, one day at a time. Keep thinking about that vacation (I am!)

coyote21

It's good to have a place to get the support we need, thank God for alanon and SR. I remember how it was going it alone.

Thanks and God bless us all
Coyote21:ghug3

P.S. I get hugs at alanon, god they're good. Even the man hugs...that's an aquired taste! Before alanon, if I wasn't sleeping with you, I wasn't hugging you!

Bernadette

Jazzman--
(((hugs)))
hard times when the teens are acting out.

With my boys (17 & 13) I know some of their attitude is just normal gotta be me/free teen stuff - and other times they are acting badly because something is seriously stressing them out.

The fact that Mom is in a bad $$ situation again as you pointed out - and her attitude is "tough - you'll go to a new school like it or not" maybe very stressful for him. I have found (sometimes!!!) that if I engage in some activity with my sons (moving furniture, dismantling an air conditioner - whatever -- something physical) and I bring up a calm open ended question like , "Wow so there is some upheaval coming soon with mom wanting to move-- that must be hard. What do you wish would happen?" And just let all ideas and emotions he shares be OK. He may say the most cockamamie things but try to just let him keep venting without arguing any of things he says. Responses like "Oh." and "I could see how you'd feel that way..." are very helpful. There is no need to "resolve" the difficult situation right then. Just listening and agreeing that it IS indeed a hard thing to handle will let him know he's understood.

I just try to show my kids I'm on their side. Life is hard. Stuff happens that we can't stand, that aggravates, and maybe even infuriates us! But that we are in it together.

There's no magic key as all parents who've gone through this time know... but I know from my own experience as a teen that there was sometimes something REAL that was bothering me (like my father's drinking maybe???!!!) and that no rational adult ever sat down with me and said - yeah, you're right, this is cuckoo and sick and it must be hard to handle. Not offering solutions, or fake sympathy, or pretending it's not so bad, but just to be there and acknowledge that what I was feeling wasn't "wrong!"

Good luck Jazz--one day at a time!
Peace,
B.

P.S. I also got some great ideas from my therapist on how to talk to my kids and from the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber & Mazlish (avail in most libraries)

Spiritual Seeker

Does your vacation include your teen?

Time away in nature is always delightful.
Time away to relax, have fun, be active, relate, and bond with a teen is time well-spent where you
can just be w/o having to be the big bad disciplinarian.

Be firm with your teen, but really get to know him to the extent possible.

In my case, when my son was a teen I often was busy enforcing the rules w/o enough time spent relating.

LaTeeDa

Sheesh, can I relate to that. I get that feeling every few weeks it seems.

A wise friend told me years ago, when I announced I was pregnant for the first time, a couple of gems that I still cherish to this day.

Having a child means the highest highs and the lowest lows a human being can experience.

He also told me that no matter how tempting it is, or how much society views it that way, you cannot blame yourself for your children's mistakes, any more than you can credit yourself for their success.

I hate it when my children make bad choices, but I'm slowly learning to let them own them. I'm trying to teach them that they don't have to answer to me, but ultimately to themselves. My teen is also 15, so I know there are many more rough times to come.

Don't forget to take care of yourself, too. Vacations are great, but you have to be good to yourself every day, not just a couple times a year.

((((Jazz))))

L

P.S. I love everything Bernadette said. Reminds me not to take it personally when my kids are being PITA's. I probably doesn't have anything to do with me.

coyote21

Wow Bernadette,

That's some awsome advice. Mine's only 7, but I think that those technique's would be great for any age. How'd you get so smart?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote21

Jazzman

Thanks for all the replies. I'm going to Negril Jamaica with a small group of friends. While I'm there I'm going to get open water dive certified and dive as much as I can. We'll do some fishing and sunset cruise stuff... belly up to the pool bar where you don't even have to get up to pee. (j/k)

My 22 yr old is graduating with his MS in CS from RIT this November. Did it in 5 years with a 3.8 GPA. At his current rate my 15 yr old will be lucky to graduate High School. They are very different people. He has control of his future, his choices. You choose the behavior you choose the consequences. Sad because we've had a really good relationship up until now.

His behavior is unacceptable and I refuse to be treated poorly in my own home. He can either get with the program or it will be 3 hots and a cot for the next three years.

nowwhat

Hey, Jazzman-

I understand not accepting unacceptable behavior but 15 is really, really young. The same rules don't apply to children as adults. If you have always had a good relationship, it's still fundamentally there, but you may need some help accessing it.

My son's (17) unacceptable behavior (hostility, anger, experimentation with drugs) improved tenfold with counseling and an antidepressant--teenage boys in particular may exhibit self-destructive behaviors as a depression or anxiety symptom, or as a result of social problems.

JMHO.

justjo

The one thing that stands out is the fact you keep referring to your son as the 'idiot teenager'.

It may be advisable to find out or talk to him about why he is using drugs in the first instance. He may be 15 but still needs guidance, love and understanding.

My eldest son started on drugs/alcohol at 13 and it caused chaos in the family. Please address this now before it gets out of hand. You can still do something about it while he is young before its too late.

Maybe changing schools isnt such a bad thing if it can get him away from the influences.

Good Luck

Jazzman

His behavior is anger, hostility and violence. He said some things to me last Sunday that I will not soon forget, all because I turned off his internet access. He punched a hole in the wall at his mothers house because she turned off his cell phone. I told him the consequences of failing a pee test again, it was very clear and he had plenty of notice.

We have all been in counseling since last school year. He has no interest in behaving in school or doing home work. I have been to more parent teacher meetings than I can recall. He entered 7th grade as an A- B honors student and left 9th grade as a C-F non honors student.

His grades started dropping when school required more effort than 6th grade. He didn't make the HS basketball team in 9th grade and that's when the worst of it started. He had a new set of friends that sit around and get high. He admits he gets high because his friends do. He freely admits his problem in school is laziness. He doesn't want to do the work. He acts out and disrupts class and is then sent to the office. He does this for the attention and admiration of his peers?!?!? He's blatantly disrespectful MTV style. He just wants to do everything his way with no intervention from his parents.

He just completed ADHD testing because his counselor wanted to rule it out. His IQ score is higher than his brothers and the test results are negative. The DR said he's got a photographic memory and he scored very high on the tests. He jokes that his goal is to make it through HS without doing any homework. He expects every privilege because he feels he's entitled to it.

The truth is he's an amazing individual. He's got the whole package, good looks, great sense of humor and funny as all get out. Smart as a whip and athletic. He has so much potential it's freaky.

Unacceptable behavior that happens at 15 is still unacceptable behavior and I still believe the same rules apply, you choose the behavior you choose the consequences. Right now my youngest is an bone head teenager (I toned down the idiot) and is learning that I can detach with love and set enforceable boundaries. We were buddies, now I'm his Dad. I hope it's only temporary.

McKrazy

He sounds textbook, but you know that. He doesn't lack skills or knowledge or even stern parenting.

He really needs YOU and you're there for him. I agree with one of the posts that you might look into counseling, but do it WITH him, maybe? It sounds like he's got lots of anger and feelings that he's starting maybe to self-medicate? Pot sure can numb some of the harsh stuff. And someone else suggested finding something together that's for the two of you to get into and find a focus that's not on what's going wrong.

I'm so sorry. My daughter who has given me two years of HELL is leaving in 10 days for college and I'm feeling just the slightest degree of hope......

Hang in there!

LaTeeDa

I know that attitude and it is definitely not acceptable to me either.

That's all you can do. Oh, and try not to take it personally--tough, I know.

L

nowwhat

Thank you for adding this! Sounds like you are handling this well. I was worried about the "hots and a cot" comment and afraid you were giving up on your son. Mine scared me to death last year, but is becoming much more tolerable this year.

I wouldn't buy that bit about intentional laziness without some investigation. I'm not convinced teens always know why they are doing what they do. He may just call it laziness because he doesn't know how to describe his feeling of apathy (which could be caused by stressors).

At any rate, enforceable boundaries are smart and no child should be allowed to be hateful toward his parents/family without consequences.

Hang in there, it can improve!

Seeking Wisdom

Sorry to hear about your frustrations ....
Parenting teenagers can be a real challenge. Even though my sons are good kids whose most serious problems seem to be endless computer gaming ... they can still be hard headed, moody, disrespectful ..and I swear if you looked up "stubborn" in the dictionary, my eldest son's name and picture would be there. I haven't had a vacation in 6 years ...and packing up and taking some time off somewhere fun sounds fantastic. Enjoy your vacation.