Trapped by Pain
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 57
Trapped by Pain
HI
I am new to this forum and I was so grateful to have found it in the internet. I do not even know where to begin. I guess I will start by saying that I dated my alcoholic boyfriend who also did drugs on occasion for 3 yrs. I broke it off finally after enduring so much pain and betrayal. It is now months later and I still have nightmares, during the day I have thoughts of all the lies, other women, and abuse etc….entering my mind and consuming nearly half my day. I am going nuts with this……… I do not know how to let this pain go! I never experienced anything like this, I was not even this crushed by my divorce……
He still has the nerve to contact me harassing me begging me to come back after I ended it. Calls, emails, letters etc…telling me that he love me more then anyone, want to marry me, kids etc….. Only for me to find out in our last conversation that he never intended to do any of those things. ALL LIES!!!! He makes me sick and to think I really love this man at one time, I really thought he was the one…I NEVER CRIED SO MUCH OVER A MAN. I feel trapped in my mind now over all the wrong he did to me.
He is so convincing a master MANIPULATOR! After many fights and nasty words, telling him to get out of my life it has been about a month since any contact. I know I will never go back to him but my life is so crippled now. I never saw myself as a weak person. I have encountered many traumas in my life but nothing that made me feel this bad or worthless. I do not want to date; I do not want to really do anything. I feel lost, scared and alone. I hate that another person left this damage in my sole. All I read tells me to forgive and move on. Well I have tried so many things and nothing heals my pain. Will it ever end? I have never been the one to hate another person. It just makes me sick that he thinks he can treat people anyway he wants to, date several of us at one time; make all kinds of promises, who does he think he is? Then he blames it all on his disease, it make him do these things…..In the beginning I did believe it might have. Now I think he knows exactly what he does….. Disease or not!!!!! He had all the chances in the world to get sober, he went to Hazelton for God’s sake and he still drinks. Nevertheless, I know it is about me and not him. He took enough from me I just wish my mind and heart would let it go... Help
I am new to this forum and I was so grateful to have found it in the internet. I do not even know where to begin. I guess I will start by saying that I dated my alcoholic boyfriend who also did drugs on occasion for 3 yrs. I broke it off finally after enduring so much pain and betrayal. It is now months later and I still have nightmares, during the day I have thoughts of all the lies, other women, and abuse etc….entering my mind and consuming nearly half my day. I am going nuts with this……… I do not know how to let this pain go! I never experienced anything like this, I was not even this crushed by my divorce……
He still has the nerve to contact me harassing me begging me to come back after I ended it. Calls, emails, letters etc…telling me that he love me more then anyone, want to marry me, kids etc….. Only for me to find out in our last conversation that he never intended to do any of those things. ALL LIES!!!! He makes me sick and to think I really love this man at one time, I really thought he was the one…I NEVER CRIED SO MUCH OVER A MAN. I feel trapped in my mind now over all the wrong he did to me.
He is so convincing a master MANIPULATOR! After many fights and nasty words, telling him to get out of my life it has been about a month since any contact. I know I will never go back to him but my life is so crippled now. I never saw myself as a weak person. I have encountered many traumas in my life but nothing that made me feel this bad or worthless. I do not want to date; I do not want to really do anything. I feel lost, scared and alone. I hate that another person left this damage in my sole. All I read tells me to forgive and move on. Well I have tried so many things and nothing heals my pain. Will it ever end? I have never been the one to hate another person. It just makes me sick that he thinks he can treat people anyway he wants to, date several of us at one time; make all kinds of promises, who does he think he is? Then he blames it all on his disease, it make him do these things…..In the beginning I did believe it might have. Now I think he knows exactly what he does….. Disease or not!!!!! He had all the chances in the world to get sober, he went to Hazelton for God’s sake and he still drinks. Nevertheless, I know it is about me and not him. He took enough from me I just wish my mind and heart would let it go... Help
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I broke it off finally after enduring so much pain and betrayal. It is now months later and I still have nightmares, during the day I have thoughts of all the lies, other women, and abuse etc….entering my mind and consuming nearly half my day. I am going nuts with this……… I do not know how to let this pain go! I never experienced anything like this, I was not even this crushed by my divorce……
It's been about a month and a half for me since I kicked xabf to the curb. Yes I still hurt but not nearly as much as the beginning. I know you don't feel like doing anything but for me - I had to MAKE myself get out and do stuff - it helps- it really does. I have surrounded myself with friends and when I need to vent - they let me and I feel so much better.
Mine lied to me too. Almost every breath was a lie. And yeah I'm still pi$$ed about alot of stuff that he done. But who does it hurt to hold onto all that? Me. So I'm remembering to "play the tape all the way thru" when I start thinking about our "good times" together. I remember what it was like living with an alcoholic/drug addict and how I felt like I was walking on eggshells constantly trying to avoid any conflicts with him. That is no way to live.
I was replaced by more than one woman almost instantly. That hurts. But I know in my heart that I did the right thing and that I will come out on top.
I'm sorry you are still hurting but you have to keep yourself busy and try to remember that you are not dealing with someone that has "normal" feelings/actions/emotions.
I've even started talking to other men lately - and you'd be surprised how many "normal" guys there are out there that won't treat you like you've been treated. If I could give you only ONE piece of advice - it would be to MAKE yourself get out there and do the things that you probably didn't do when you were with your bf. Find yourself and the things you like again. Post here often and read here often.
Think of yourself as LUCKY that you got rid of him and now he can be someone else's burden. You just have "you" to worry about now. And another thing, if you can, DON'T talk to him...no contact is the only thing that's worked for me.:ghug3
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 57
Thank you so much for your reply; I know that I should try also to do more things. I mean I do sometimes go out with friends, but as far as men well now I do not trust them. I am sure there are good people out there but my heart is so scared. I wonder why sometime that I have not met someone new maybe it would help me clear my mind of my ex. My sister said it was because they can feel that I am closed off, as if I really do not want to let someone in. Maybe it is true. You said that he is not normal/emotions etc....well that is very had to accept. He can surely say sorry and show remorse after all the bad he did to me. Maybe the remose is not real????
My heart really loved my ex, I tried everything to make it work and understand all the errors he made. However, after I came by his apt on night and found his “so called friend” in his bed, it was done and the anger was overwhelming inside of me. He said he was sorry called me like 1000 times, came to my job, home etc begging for me to forgive him and the liquor made him do it etc….. but it was never the same. I am so angry with myself for being played and being a total FOOL!!!!! I saw all the sign and thought he would sober up and change. Now he is with someone new I am sure and I am alone. He does not deserve to be happy after all the pain he has caused me and all the one’s before me.
My heart really loved my ex, I tried everything to make it work and understand all the errors he made. However, after I came by his apt on night and found his “so called friend” in his bed, it was done and the anger was overwhelming inside of me. He said he was sorry called me like 1000 times, came to my job, home etc begging for me to forgive him and the liquor made him do it etc….. but it was never the same. I am so angry with myself for being played and being a total FOOL!!!!! I saw all the sign and thought he would sober up and change. Now he is with someone new I am sure and I am alone. He does not deserve to be happy after all the pain he has caused me and all the one’s before me.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Vancouver , Washington
Posts: 9
I am sorry you have to be going through so much heartache over a boy!! He doesn't sound like he's worth your emotions, but I too have been in those types of relationshits and I hope you can move past him and open yourself up to better days!!
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Join Date: Aug 2008
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Thank you and I pray for that every single day......
I just keep waiting for the morning when I awake and the first thing on my mind is not him and all the memories of the pain he caused me. I beg for that day to come…….why has God not granted me this prayer?
How can he live with himself? I mean I would be suicidal if I treated people who loved me the way that he does. I gave him so many chances, I believed his words, and I really did love him…He cried to me over and over telling me how he does not want to be this way etc…. I know alcoholism is a disease but come on, how much crap can they do, get away with and just to blame it on the bottle. You think after all his ordeals he would stop. WOW, I wish I had an escape goat like that! Others get sober so I do not understand why he could not! He has been drinking since the age of 14, he is now 36.
His last call to me was him telling me that he was arrested again so that makes five DUI’s in 10 yrs. He said he may go to jail and to be honest I hope he does. Maybe being locked up will sober him up and give him a clear mind to hopefully change his ways. I know I sound so cold and if you knew me you would be saying wow, this is sooooooooooo not her personality. I guess I just really wanted it to work with him. Moreover, I hate myself for being that weak, thinking love could change someone.
However, he cannot just go on and hurt more and more people. I want him to feel the pain that I felt in my heart from all his betrayals that he did to me.
I just keep waiting for the morning when I awake and the first thing on my mind is not him and all the memories of the pain he caused me. I beg for that day to come…….why has God not granted me this prayer?
How can he live with himself? I mean I would be suicidal if I treated people who loved me the way that he does. I gave him so many chances, I believed his words, and I really did love him…He cried to me over and over telling me how he does not want to be this way etc…. I know alcoholism is a disease but come on, how much crap can they do, get away with and just to blame it on the bottle. You think after all his ordeals he would stop. WOW, I wish I had an escape goat like that! Others get sober so I do not understand why he could not! He has been drinking since the age of 14, he is now 36.
His last call to me was him telling me that he was arrested again so that makes five DUI’s in 10 yrs. He said he may go to jail and to be honest I hope he does. Maybe being locked up will sober him up and give him a clear mind to hopefully change his ways. I know I sound so cold and if you knew me you would be saying wow, this is sooooooooooo not her personality. I guess I just really wanted it to work with him. Moreover, I hate myself for being that weak, thinking love could change someone.
However, he cannot just go on and hurt more and more people. I want him to feel the pain that I felt in my heart from all his betrayals that he did to me.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I want him to feel the pain that I felt in my heart from all his betrayals that he did to me.
Ask yourself - would you still want to be with this person 5 years down the road with him still drinking/drugging/screwing around? NO. The quicker you break away from him the quicker you will heal.
MAKE yourself get out more even if you don't feel like it. I started to remember what it was like to just go out and do what I wanted to do without having to worry about his stupidness. It's a good feeling.
I too tried everything to "help" my bf - but apparently he didn't want the help. He will never change - he's 41 years old and crashing and burning as we speak. Most of that due to not having someone like me to "babysit" him anymore. Puke. I just shake my head sometimes at the way I lived my life with him over the past 2 years. It's ridiculous really.
Feel free to PM me anytime - our stories seem very similar. Lots of love and good karma your way. Sometimes when I am dwelling on xabf - I ask God to help me get the thoughts out of my head - and it helps. I do know what you are going thru and I'm so sorry for you - it sucks. It does get better though but YOU have to decide to make it better - don't give him your energy - save it for you!!!
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I just know that I did not deserve any of this! I am a good person. I love and treat people with respect. I give 100% in all my relationships and he took advantage of that….3 years I wasted on all lies!!!!! He knew from the beginning, I am very open about what I want and need from a relationship. Trust, honesty, loyalty and he agreed and said he was the same way. LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is the biggest lying, cheating, deceitful person I have ever met. WOW! He lives in a fantasy world where he believes he is a good person. At least admit you are bad and you do bad things then maybe I would understand more. However, to do HORRIBLE things and then turn around and say that you are a good person is just SICK! It makes me even more upset to know that I am alone and gave it all and he is off being comforted by some other girl…….why is that fair? He will just go on from one girl to the next leaving broken hearts in his path……
What you said “just go out and do what I wanted to do without having to worry about his stupidness. It's a good feeling”. I feel that way also…lol. He made me sick with worry. I always thought his mom or the cops would call to tell he was dead or he was with his other whores, which I am sure he was.
I know the thoughts only hurt me, but I can’t find any form or compensation for all the pain I hold. I don’t want to take revenge so what am I left with? If he goes to jail this time then I would feel some kind of payback that he got. I am the kind of person who needs reasons for stupid behavior, so this is even harder for me then someone who can just say he is sick in the head and move on. See he is very smart, very good looking and owns a company with his dad, which he left about a yr ago because they would fight. He comes across so put together but in reality his is a NIGHTMARE!!!! Moreover, I was the fool who thought the fake person he portrayed was for REAL!!!!!
I know my energy is still so focused on someone who never deserved my love.
When will all this pain go away!!!!!!
Here is something that I read and I want to send it to him!
My name is ___________ and I am an alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do! You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about are my own needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me! Something to use and abuse. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth because it is impossible for someone who is an active alcoholic/addict to love another. I would not be drinking if I loved myself. Since I do not, I cannot love you. My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my alcohol that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It does not faze me that I leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat and steal from you. My behavior will not change and cannot change until I make a decision to stop drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action. Moreover, until I make that decision, I will continue to hurt you over and over again!
Stop being surprised! I am an alcoholic and this is what alcoholics do!
What you said “just go out and do what I wanted to do without having to worry about his stupidness. It's a good feeling”. I feel that way also…lol. He made me sick with worry. I always thought his mom or the cops would call to tell he was dead or he was with his other whores, which I am sure he was.
I know the thoughts only hurt me, but I can’t find any form or compensation for all the pain I hold. I don’t want to take revenge so what am I left with? If he goes to jail this time then I would feel some kind of payback that he got. I am the kind of person who needs reasons for stupid behavior, so this is even harder for me then someone who can just say he is sick in the head and move on. See he is very smart, very good looking and owns a company with his dad, which he left about a yr ago because they would fight. He comes across so put together but in reality his is a NIGHTMARE!!!! Moreover, I was the fool who thought the fake person he portrayed was for REAL!!!!!
I know my energy is still so focused on someone who never deserved my love.
When will all this pain go away!!!!!!
Here is something that I read and I want to send it to him!
My name is ___________ and I am an alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do! You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about are my own needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me! Something to use and abuse. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth because it is impossible for someone who is an active alcoholic/addict to love another. I would not be drinking if I loved myself. Since I do not, I cannot love you. My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my alcohol that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It does not faze me that I leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat and steal from you. My behavior will not change and cannot change until I make a decision to stop drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action. Moreover, until I make that decision, I will continue to hurt you over and over again!
Stop being surprised! I am an alcoholic and this is what alcoholics do!
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I can only tell you what happened to me. My 1st husband was a compulsive gambler. After 10yrs, 2 kids, a divorce, a remarriage, then another divorce, it was over for good.
It is me who ended it still about a yr later when he was getting remarried, he took our kids to his wedding. I sat across the street from the reception, spying on them & crying my eyes out NOT because I loved him or wanted him back but because of how unfair it was. Here I was only 28, a single mom of 2 young sons, and I was alone. I felt so hurt. Here he was the one who did everything wrong & he was getting married.
Now over 30+ yrs later things are very different. His remarriage lasted less than a yr. He went from gambling to drugs & only got clean when he was 58yrs old. I stayed alone for a litle less than 10yrs. Then I met & married my present hubby. we will be married 24 yrs this Nov. My ex called me after 25+ yrs & that is when I found all of this out. He is 63 now & has Hepatitis & is trying to build some kind of life for himself. The reason he called was to try & establish some type of relationship with his sons. Ours are his only children.
All I can say is focus on you. Keep busy with your own life. I am a firm believer in things happening when we are ready. Until you meet someone special use this time alone to work on you. You probably haven't met anyone cuz emotionally you are not ready.
It is me who ended it still about a yr later when he was getting remarried, he took our kids to his wedding. I sat across the street from the reception, spying on them & crying my eyes out NOT because I loved him or wanted him back but because of how unfair it was. Here I was only 28, a single mom of 2 young sons, and I was alone. I felt so hurt. Here he was the one who did everything wrong & he was getting married.
Now over 30+ yrs later things are very different. His remarriage lasted less than a yr. He went from gambling to drugs & only got clean when he was 58yrs old. I stayed alone for a litle less than 10yrs. Then I met & married my present hubby. we will be married 24 yrs this Nov. My ex called me after 25+ yrs & that is when I found all of this out. He is 63 now & has Hepatitis & is trying to build some kind of life for himself. The reason he called was to try & establish some type of relationship with his sons. Ours are his only children.
All I can say is focus on you. Keep busy with your own life. I am a firm believer in things happening when we are ready. Until you meet someone special use this time alone to work on you. You probably haven't met anyone cuz emotionally you are not ready.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sometimes a few sessions with a therapist acn help identify just what is holding you back form the healing you want to do. I know I have found it very helpful to have a session now and then to break through some of the sticky points.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Welcome babyo--
Sorry for your rough time!!
I agree with B-52 above. A little counseling session for yourself might be very helpful.
Also this level of hurt and anger is pointing you in some direction (therapy may help you find out what) so that this doesn't happen again. We get into these relationships somewhat blindly - being guided by some unconcscious needs...then we might look around after getting our hearts broken and be like WTF!!!!??? You might want to use these cues and this time to find out who you really are and what you really want out of life and out of potential partners... this will maybe help you learn to trust people (men) again...it's hard! Loving alcoholics/addicts can really wring you out!
Don't beat yourself up! Be gentle but thorough in your self examination... I hope you feel better soon!
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B.
Sorry for your rough time!!
I agree with B-52 above. A little counseling session for yourself might be very helpful.
Also this level of hurt and anger is pointing you in some direction (therapy may help you find out what) so that this doesn't happen again. We get into these relationships somewhat blindly - being guided by some unconcscious needs...then we might look around after getting our hearts broken and be like WTF!!!!??? You might want to use these cues and this time to find out who you really are and what you really want out of life and out of potential partners... this will maybe help you learn to trust people (men) again...it's hard! Loving alcoholics/addicts can really wring you out!
Don't beat yourself up! Be gentle but thorough in your self examination... I hope you feel better soon!
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 57
Thank you all for your kind words and I think I might talk to someone....
I guess the pain that I feel and cannot let go of has to do with me being a trusting, loving, loyal person. Why is this such a bad thing? I devoted my full self to him and all I got in return was pain!!!! If he did not tell me repeatedly that he is really a good person and wants to spend his life with me, maybe I would have let this all go along time ago. However, he was so convincing that he really loved me and hated that he drank so much. I just cannot understand how someone can tell such lies and cheat people so much. It makes me sick! I hate that he still has the satisfaction/consumption of my thoughts when he is not even around. I just have so much anger. However, I do find it is getting easier; some of the memories are retracting less and less. I guess I was never hurt by a man before in the ways that he hurt me especially one who I deeply loved. My sister says everything happens for a reason and their are lessons to be learned........
I guess the pain that I feel and cannot let go of has to do with me being a trusting, loving, loyal person. Why is this such a bad thing? I devoted my full self to him and all I got in return was pain!!!! If he did not tell me repeatedly that he is really a good person and wants to spend his life with me, maybe I would have let this all go along time ago. However, he was so convincing that he really loved me and hated that he drank so much. I just cannot understand how someone can tell such lies and cheat people so much. It makes me sick! I hate that he still has the satisfaction/consumption of my thoughts when he is not even around. I just have so much anger. However, I do find it is getting easier; some of the memories are retracting less and less. I guess I was never hurt by a man before in the ways that he hurt me especially one who I deeply loved. My sister says everything happens for a reason and their are lessons to be learned........
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 21
Dear Babyo622,
I'll tell you this, after reading your post. I was shocked. That is exactly what happened to me. I am actually in your shoes right now. Except, this was a nice attractive girl, narcissistic , confident but all fake. She was an chronic addict. Addicted to narcotics, and street drugs. We were together for 2 years. We were engaged even. After several lies, stealing, cheating, damaging my life, she moved on to the first person (a recovering alcoholic) she met in rehab in two weeks. Now she is in "love" leading a "happy" life, while I'm stuck in this rut. I know it hurts. I hurts every day. I have barely slept or eaten since. We have to understand that this is not an usual break up. It is much more. This is why you and I are hurt more than the ones we have been through which did not work out, but otherwise healthy relationship. In one way, I have realized that we potential enablers are like a conquest to the chemically controlled mind. Once they get complete control over us (our mind and emotion) we are of no use to them. We should also understand that we have been "addicted" to them in one form or another. I really can't tell you how remarkably similar your story is to mine. Including, the feeling that them going to jail would be some sick demented way of payback, but another healthy part of our brain advices against such thoughts. I have understood this as my "withdrawals" from not being with her. I have a very hard time trying to take my mind off of her, we just broke up last week. I feel that this is not fair in anyway for me. It is really hard for me to forgive an move on right now, after being used! It helps for me when I realize my own mistakes. I have been brainwashed for two years and have forgotten what a healthy relationship is. I have also realized that for two years I have not been taking life on life's terms. I have been training myself into being an enabler in some from. Now it is my turn to break away from it. You and I have invested emotionally a lot, in this one way street relation. At times even borrowed from our emotional bank. It is hard when all that walks away out the door. It always helps to talk to family and friends and definitely SR to fill up that emotional quotient and start loving ourselves. We reap what we sow. If it helps, your ex does not seem like he is on any road to recovery. We should feel sorry for them. He might be just high going out with other women who share the same problems, or sadly another victim. They will continue to burn bridges, unless they decide to stop. Love themselves and in turn undo the hurt they have caused others. Since I'm in the same boat as you are in, I would really like to know more on how to heal. and Quickly! All I say to myself is, I am going to get through this, stronger, better and learn how to say no. As to not trusting others, I understand that. I don't want end up with another women like her. But I would be unfair to the right one if I don't get out of the funk soon. Although, I am not ready for a relationship right now, I should heal fast. Please let me know more one how you deal with it as well. That could greatly help me as well.
Good luck!
I'll tell you this, after reading your post. I was shocked. That is exactly what happened to me. I am actually in your shoes right now. Except, this was a nice attractive girl, narcissistic , confident but all fake. She was an chronic addict. Addicted to narcotics, and street drugs. We were together for 2 years. We were engaged even. After several lies, stealing, cheating, damaging my life, she moved on to the first person (a recovering alcoholic) she met in rehab in two weeks. Now she is in "love" leading a "happy" life, while I'm stuck in this rut. I know it hurts. I hurts every day. I have barely slept or eaten since. We have to understand that this is not an usual break up. It is much more. This is why you and I are hurt more than the ones we have been through which did not work out, but otherwise healthy relationship. In one way, I have realized that we potential enablers are like a conquest to the chemically controlled mind. Once they get complete control over us (our mind and emotion) we are of no use to them. We should also understand that we have been "addicted" to them in one form or another. I really can't tell you how remarkably similar your story is to mine. Including, the feeling that them going to jail would be some sick demented way of payback, but another healthy part of our brain advices against such thoughts. I have understood this as my "withdrawals" from not being with her. I have a very hard time trying to take my mind off of her, we just broke up last week. I feel that this is not fair in anyway for me. It is really hard for me to forgive an move on right now, after being used! It helps for me when I realize my own mistakes. I have been brainwashed for two years and have forgotten what a healthy relationship is. I have also realized that for two years I have not been taking life on life's terms. I have been training myself into being an enabler in some from. Now it is my turn to break away from it. You and I have invested emotionally a lot, in this one way street relation. At times even borrowed from our emotional bank. It is hard when all that walks away out the door. It always helps to talk to family and friends and definitely SR to fill up that emotional quotient and start loving ourselves. We reap what we sow. If it helps, your ex does not seem like he is on any road to recovery. We should feel sorry for them. He might be just high going out with other women who share the same problems, or sadly another victim. They will continue to burn bridges, unless they decide to stop. Love themselves and in turn undo the hurt they have caused others. Since I'm in the same boat as you are in, I would really like to know more on how to heal. and Quickly! All I say to myself is, I am going to get through this, stronger, better and learn how to say no. As to not trusting others, I understand that. I don't want end up with another women like her. But I would be unfair to the right one if I don't get out of the funk soon. Although, I am not ready for a relationship right now, I should heal fast. Please let me know more one how you deal with it as well. That could greatly help me as well.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I would "third the motion" of buying a few sessions with a counselor who works with relationships and grief. It helped me so much I can't even describe it. It's not like going to see a doctor, it's more like going to see a mechanic when your car is really broken. They fix it up, and it gives you wheels to drive on to bigger and better things.
I don't think you should feel as though, after a whole month of no contact with him, that you should be all better, chipper, and ready to start dating again. He was a liar, a cheater, and a druggie, and he hurt your feelings badly. You need some time & space to think about what you'll do differently next time, why you are still obsessed with him, what you want out of life, what your dreams & goals are (aside from any particular guy in your life). Life's much bigger than what one person decides to do. He decided to be a terrible person; you're not.
A counselor may help you to chart a different course for yourself so you can be confident this pain will not happen to you again. That's probably a big part of your issue right now: how do I know this pain won't come again????
They can help.
Good luck!!
I don't think you should feel as though, after a whole month of no contact with him, that you should be all better, chipper, and ready to start dating again. He was a liar, a cheater, and a druggie, and he hurt your feelings badly. You need some time & space to think about what you'll do differently next time, why you are still obsessed with him, what you want out of life, what your dreams & goals are (aside from any particular guy in your life). Life's much bigger than what one person decides to do. He decided to be a terrible person; you're not.
A counselor may help you to chart a different course for yourself so you can be confident this pain will not happen to you again. That's probably a big part of your issue right now: how do I know this pain won't come again????
They can help.
Good luck!!
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 57
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It is funny last night I had a dream about him from all the talk yesterday. In my dream he was so sweet and there for me loving me. But at the end of the dream he got a call came over his cell phone just like in real like and I saw a girl's name and he was like I have to go. I pledded why must you leave me, I remember crying and yelling you lieing cheat etc..... I woke up feeling angry and sad this morning. But I did look into some counselor's name's and also a Alanon meeting. I am hoping they will help me let go of all this pain for good.
As for the comment by "goinginsane" great screen name by the way, fits perfectly. I feel the same way...lol You asked how I am working through this and since you just broke up recently. I can recall when I broke it of with him, My days were a blur, I did not sleep, nightmare etc.... I began collecting articles and reading books on grief, forgiveness etc. They did seem to help some. I have a secret plan not sure that I will follow through with it but the day my heart is healed for good I want to mail the draw full of articles that I collected to him and say you were never worth it....lol.... But you did say something that one of my articles mention that they were like an addiction to us. The hardest thing in the beginning was not to get his call. He called me like 5,6 times a day. So it was hard to get used to not getting all the attention from him. But now when I see his call it makes me "sick" Try to read as many books or articles about healing your heart, it may help you also.
Something that I read in an article fit's the "addiction" that I had for him.....so now I wonder did I ever really love him or was I bounded to him, to try and help him
ARTICLE:::: I realized that your display towards me of irregular love kept me bound to you; making me anxiously waiting the time when you would only share your love and body with me. (However, it never happened) This inconsistency kept me craving for more and more attention from you, which I never got. If I only knew then what I know now that closeness and especially unhealthy closeness is not really true love. I could have saved myself so much grief and heartache.
As for the comment by "goinginsane" great screen name by the way, fits perfectly. I feel the same way...lol You asked how I am working through this and since you just broke up recently. I can recall when I broke it of with him, My days were a blur, I did not sleep, nightmare etc.... I began collecting articles and reading books on grief, forgiveness etc. They did seem to help some. I have a secret plan not sure that I will follow through with it but the day my heart is healed for good I want to mail the draw full of articles that I collected to him and say you were never worth it....lol.... But you did say something that one of my articles mention that they were like an addiction to us. The hardest thing in the beginning was not to get his call. He called me like 5,6 times a day. So it was hard to get used to not getting all the attention from him. But now when I see his call it makes me "sick" Try to read as many books or articles about healing your heart, it may help you also.
Something that I read in an article fit's the "addiction" that I had for him.....so now I wonder did I ever really love him or was I bounded to him, to try and help him
ARTICLE:::: I realized that your display towards me of irregular love kept me bound to you; making me anxiously waiting the time when you would only share your love and body with me. (However, it never happened) This inconsistency kept me craving for more and more attention from you, which I never got. If I only knew then what I know now that closeness and especially unhealthy closeness is not really true love. I could have saved myself so much grief and heartache.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: West Reading, PA
Posts: 17
i could've written this myself. It is amazing, when you read the different posts, how similar everyones situation is. It's very 'comforting' to know that I am not alone in this and that I am not crazy.
My xabf LEFT ME after a year on the rollercoaster. I tried to break it off a couple times but I guess it wasn't over till HE SAID it was over.
That being said...he wanted out, he was out. I told myself I didn't care how bad it hurt I refused to contact him...and I didn't. It's been 2 months and the only contact we have had was that which HE initiated. About once a week I get calls, emails, texts...just to hear my voice, he was thinking about me, he's sorry, he made a mistake, wish he could take it back, regrets, blah, blah, blah In one breath he's blaming me 'for not fighting for him' and if I knew he was making a mistake I should have told him...'he woulda stopped'. A week after getting that email I found out he is moving in with HER!?!?! WTF???
I have good days and bad days. It seems he has some sort of 'radar' when I'm starting to feel better cause that seems to be when he says something...and even though I KNOW BETTER, I get sucked right back in. He is a master manipulator.
i was divorced after 13 years and 2 kids and I thought THAT was bad. That was nothing compared to this. I didn't need therepy after my divorce. I go every other week now, LOL
My xabf LEFT ME after a year on the rollercoaster. I tried to break it off a couple times but I guess it wasn't over till HE SAID it was over.
That being said...he wanted out, he was out. I told myself I didn't care how bad it hurt I refused to contact him...and I didn't. It's been 2 months and the only contact we have had was that which HE initiated. About once a week I get calls, emails, texts...just to hear my voice, he was thinking about me, he's sorry, he made a mistake, wish he could take it back, regrets, blah, blah, blah In one breath he's blaming me 'for not fighting for him' and if I knew he was making a mistake I should have told him...'he woulda stopped'. A week after getting that email I found out he is moving in with HER!?!?! WTF???
I have good days and bad days. It seems he has some sort of 'radar' when I'm starting to feel better cause that seems to be when he says something...and even though I KNOW BETTER, I get sucked right back in. He is a master manipulator.
i was divorced after 13 years and 2 kids and I thought THAT was bad. That was nothing compared to this. I didn't need therepy after my divorce. I go every other week now, LOL
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 57
OMG!!! This is exactly what happens to me, I swear he gets a signal/vibe from the universe telling him that I am getting over it somewhat and then the call happens. I used to be sucked back in for yrs but something changed the last time I broke it off for good. I felt I actually deserved better and how dare you cheat on me. Never tolerated it before so why now. With him, I felt like I trashed all my morals and beliefs to follow his path. WRONG!!! A path to hell!!
“I have good days and bad days. It seems he has some sort of 'radar' when I'm starting to feel better cause that seems to be when he says something...and even though I KNOW BETTER, I get sucked right back in. He is a master manipulator.”
I hate it; I should change my # but come on why should I have to give more thing in my life, he took enough. Nevertheless, this time I will never reply again. After our last talk and he said, “I love you but I guess I don’t love you enough to marry you” I WAS SOOOOOOOOO FREAKING MAD!! WTF then he was like I guess I never really loved anyone that much. ONLY YOURSELF you selfish loser!!!!! Those words triggered something in me, all his words, begging for me to come back, calling y friends telling them he can’t live without me, wants to marry me for sure etc……I believed him and that is why I am Stuck today I really thought he love me.
Everything was a freaking lie. I bet he told all his women the same crap. My sister told me that a long time ago, that all the lines and crap he does well it is just not to me. I wish someone would hit me on the head so I can forget.
It is scary that this disease causes them all to act alike I do not get it. It seems like a cult!
“I have good days and bad days. It seems he has some sort of 'radar' when I'm starting to feel better cause that seems to be when he says something...and even though I KNOW BETTER, I get sucked right back in. He is a master manipulator.”
I hate it; I should change my # but come on why should I have to give more thing in my life, he took enough. Nevertheless, this time I will never reply again. After our last talk and he said, “I love you but I guess I don’t love you enough to marry you” I WAS SOOOOOOOOO FREAKING MAD!! WTF then he was like I guess I never really loved anyone that much. ONLY YOURSELF you selfish loser!!!!! Those words triggered something in me, all his words, begging for me to come back, calling y friends telling them he can’t live without me, wants to marry me for sure etc……I believed him and that is why I am Stuck today I really thought he love me.
Everything was a freaking lie. I bet he told all his women the same crap. My sister told me that a long time ago, that all the lines and crap he does well it is just not to me. I wish someone would hit me on the head so I can forget.
It is scary that this disease causes them all to act alike I do not get it. It seems like a cult!
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 57
I understand you view but it is not just my cell #, it my house # my sister and moms cell#, work etc…heck I even would have to move since he writes me letters. Why should I disrupt my life anymore then it has been disrupted for this person. Nevertheless, you are sooooooo right I can choose who I let into my world. Moreover, he will never be part of it again. I learned the lesson well but that does not stop the pain in my heart.
I did truly care for him maybe my anger and hurt is because part of my heart still does care and I have to force it to let go of the love….However, when I entered into this relationship all my cards were on the table he knew what I wanted and expected from him and he still cheated, lied and deceived me to the max. By the time I found out the true him I was already in love deeply…I would have never dated someone like this if I new upfront he was a lying cheating drunk. Never before in any relationship did I have this much grief. I do not play a victim I am one. I did ask such a worthless person to enter my life. He put on a real good disguise when we met, charming, giving, attentive etc….. Until the mask fell, off. Now I am left with all the heartbreak and nightmares. If I could stop my mind I would, just because he is gone it does not mean the memories go with him. I need closure, that is what I am trying to find to let my heart, and mind be at peace…..I know in time my heart will heal.
I did truly care for him maybe my anger and hurt is because part of my heart still does care and I have to force it to let go of the love….However, when I entered into this relationship all my cards were on the table he knew what I wanted and expected from him and he still cheated, lied and deceived me to the max. By the time I found out the true him I was already in love deeply…I would have never dated someone like this if I new upfront he was a lying cheating drunk. Never before in any relationship did I have this much grief. I do not play a victim I am one. I did ask such a worthless person to enter my life. He put on a real good disguise when we met, charming, giving, attentive etc….. Until the mask fell, off. Now I am left with all the heartbreak and nightmares. If I could stop my mind I would, just because he is gone it does not mean the memories go with him. I need closure, that is what I am trying to find to let my heart, and mind be at peace…..I know in time my heart will heal.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
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Originally Posted by Babyo622 
I do not play a victim I am one.
You are hurt. I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time.
Continuing to see yourself as a "victim" of his behavior gives him control over you and prevents you from addressing your issues, the issues that kept you from leaving this man in spite of continued, extended suffering.
You stayed for years.
Many of us have. We volunteered for the pain.
The interesting question is: Why?
Take care of yourself.
-TC
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Join Date: Aug 2008
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I don't know why, I rack my brain everyday on why??? I guess I thought we fit so well. I guess I was blind and stupid to the real him. I know saying I am a victim stinks, I don't want to feel that way at all. And I hate myself for staying in that cycle for years even though half the time I was apart from him. I left countless times and for long periods but he always managed to convince me to come back. How weak am I???? I guess I learned that people who have mental disease are never going to give you a good life and to stay far far away. I do get it but I can't get rid of the resentment and I want him to pay for what he did to me.
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