why I'm back posting
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
(((Jazz))) he sounds like a very intelligent young man who is tired of always being 'the clever one', that good grades are expected of him and he is sick of the pressure. He sounds like he wants to break out of himself and have some 'fun' with his life. Possibly his feelings of how life has been so far for him - problematic mother, codie dad, divorce having a younger brother who possibly is the good one???
I'm doing a mixture of reading between the lines and remembering my teenage feelings. I too was very clever at school, after a while though because good grades are what I always delivered, it was overlooked, it was just expected that I would always do well. It drove me insane!
Also I note how much you refer to your sons in a derogatory manner - 'bone head' 'idiot'. Do you use these terms to your kids? Self esteem is very brittle when a teenager, and most easily broken by our parents.
He needs to know that you love him and are proud of him whether he becomes a doctor or becomes a refuse collector. At the end of the day, that doesn't matter. What matters is that he is happy content and self confident, self aware and knows he has a strong parent to fall back upon.
I hope things get better I really do, it is so difficult to be a parent. Please know that your son is not doing this to YOU, he is doing it to HIMSELF, for some reason he is punishing himself right now, which makes me think he has some unresolved emotion from past events inside of himself.
The light at the end of the tunnel is there, practically ALL teenagers rebel, many try pot, but do not continue this into adult hood. Trust in your son that he will find his feet again.
:ghug
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm doing a mixture of reading between the lines and remembering my teenage feelings. I too was very clever at school, after a while though because good grades are what I always delivered, it was overlooked, it was just expected that I would always do well. It drove me insane!
Also I note how much you refer to your sons in a derogatory manner - 'bone head' 'idiot'. Do you use these terms to your kids? Self esteem is very brittle when a teenager, and most easily broken by our parents.
He needs to know that you love him and are proud of him whether he becomes a doctor or becomes a refuse collector. At the end of the day, that doesn't matter. What matters is that he is happy content and self confident, self aware and knows he has a strong parent to fall back upon.
I hope things get better I really do, it is so difficult to be a parent. Please know that your son is not doing this to YOU, he is doing it to HIMSELF, for some reason he is punishing himself right now, which makes me think he has some unresolved emotion from past events inside of himself.
The light at the end of the tunnel is there, practically ALL teenagers rebel, many try pot, but do not continue this into adult hood. Trust in your son that he will find his feet again.
:ghug
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome back, Jazzman, it's good to see you.
I don't have any good answers for you, but then again, you didn't ask me any questions, lol. But I do know that your son is blessed to have a dad like you and that just maybe your light will one day get through to him and light his path too.
Welcome home hugs
I don't have any good answers for you, but then again, you didn't ask me any questions, lol. But I do know that your son is blessed to have a dad like you and that just maybe your light will one day get through to him and light his path too.
Welcome home hugs
Occasional poor taste poster
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Of course I don't refer to him as bone head or idiot, I'm venting here. Getting things off my chest I would never say to someone I care for. He has no problem calling me a bitch. When confronted his snappish retort was "If you act like a bitch I'm gonna call you a bitch". My victory? I didn't belt him, I walked away to cool off.
We've been in counseling for 8 months both individual and joint. I've been to better therapists before but she's doing some good. She's an independent outside person he can talk to in privacy. She's also helping his Mother to take off the rose colored glasses when it comes to her perfect baby boy. I think his Mother is getting more out of counseling than anyone and this is a good thing. For example, he's use to hearing the word "no" from me. He's use to hearing the words "how many do you want?" from her. Another example, He's on his mothers cell plan and she pays $200 a month. This accommodates all his minutes, data and text messaging usage for his flashy iphone. I think she's now ready to dump him from her plan, I support this idea. Our ideas about parenting are starting to get more in line.
Minnie once theorized that he was self sabotaging his academic success so he could avoid competing with his academically over achieving brother. I think she hit the nail on the head. When I talked to him about this the ah-ha moment was obvious on his face. It was a moment of short lived success.
I once read a great article in News Week, cover story on how the teenage brain is under developed in areas that provide long therm planning, cause and effect thinking processes. The article read like it was the discovery to the meaning of life! Now there's scientific proof why teenagers can act the way they do. Wow!! Now where's the article on how to live with them during those adolescent years?!?!
Here's something I googled, similar to the News Week article.
http://www.actforyouth.net/documents...olbraindev.pdf
We've been in counseling for 8 months both individual and joint. I've been to better therapists before but she's doing some good. She's an independent outside person he can talk to in privacy. She's also helping his Mother to take off the rose colored glasses when it comes to her perfect baby boy. I think his Mother is getting more out of counseling than anyone and this is a good thing. For example, he's use to hearing the word "no" from me. He's use to hearing the words "how many do you want?" from her. Another example, He's on his mothers cell plan and she pays $200 a month. This accommodates all his minutes, data and text messaging usage for his flashy iphone. I think she's now ready to dump him from her plan, I support this idea. Our ideas about parenting are starting to get more in line.
Minnie once theorized that he was self sabotaging his academic success so he could avoid competing with his academically over achieving brother. I think she hit the nail on the head. When I talked to him about this the ah-ha moment was obvious on his face. It was a moment of short lived success.
I once read a great article in News Week, cover story on how the teenage brain is under developed in areas that provide long therm planning, cause and effect thinking processes. The article read like it was the discovery to the meaning of life! Now there's scientific proof why teenagers can act the way they do. Wow!! Now where's the article on how to live with them during those adolescent years?!?!
Here's something I googled, similar to the News Week article.
http://www.actforyouth.net/documents...olbraindev.pdf
Last edited by Jazzman; 08-07-2008 at 05:20 AM.
Occasional poor taste poster
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
Oh, and try not to take it personally--tough, I know.
There are great lessons to be learned that translate well to parenting and there's no doubt I would be handling this differently otherwise.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Thanks Jazz, that article was a very interesting read! I'm gald your son has his own therapist, and you sound like you have your finger on the pulse of where he is at right now.
I think with you being consistantly strong for him, he will be just fine.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I think with you being consistantly strong for him, he will be just fine.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Jazz))
Your recovery and wisdom in the program is showing in your dealings with your precious son. In the face of his insults and words of hatred, I feel confident that you will be able to rely on your HP for the strength, courage and wisdom you need to know what is the next right thing.
Please keep venting away - I can understand about needing an outlet to just be able to voice my feelings, knowing that this is a safe place.
Prayers and good thoughts for you and your son. Hopefully this will be a phase and soon both of you will be able to look back at this and be grateful that it has passed. And your son will be able to tell you something along the lines of "dad, no matter what I did, I always knew you still loved me and accepted me, but not my bad behaviors - thanks"
Sending you HUGS (Hope, Unity, Gratitude and Serenity),
Rita
Your recovery and wisdom in the program is showing in your dealings with your precious son. In the face of his insults and words of hatred, I feel confident that you will be able to rely on your HP for the strength, courage and wisdom you need to know what is the next right thing.
Please keep venting away - I can understand about needing an outlet to just be able to voice my feelings, knowing that this is a safe place.
Prayers and good thoughts for you and your son. Hopefully this will be a phase and soon both of you will be able to look back at this and be grateful that it has passed. And your son will be able to tell you something along the lines of "dad, no matter what I did, I always knew you still loved me and accepted me, but not my bad behaviors - thanks"
Sending you HUGS (Hope, Unity, Gratitude and Serenity),
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Jazzman,
"The truth is he's an amazing individual. He's got the whole package, good looks, great sense of humor and funny as all get out. Smart as a whip and athletic. He has so much potential it's freaky."
Haven't figured out how you all "quote" pieces of others posts but anyway . . . in a Nar-Anon meeting I attend we just recently discussed how so many of us describe our addict children in just the same way you described your son. As so smart and funny, great sense of humor with so much potential.
Keep up the parenting - it can be a pain in the a$$ but we produced them so we gotta see it through . . . SR is a great place to vent and glad you feel you can be open with us.
"The truth is he's an amazing individual. He's got the whole package, good looks, great sense of humor and funny as all get out. Smart as a whip and athletic. He has so much potential it's freaky."
Haven't figured out how you all "quote" pieces of others posts but anyway . . . in a Nar-Anon meeting I attend we just recently discussed how so many of us describe our addict children in just the same way you described your son. As so smart and funny, great sense of humor with so much potential.
Keep up the parenting - it can be a pain in the a$$ but we produced them so we gotta see it through . . . SR is a great place to vent and glad you feel you can be open with us.
Occasional poor taste poster
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by JMFburns
Haven't figured out how you all "quote" pieces of others posts but anyway .
Originally Posted by JMFburns
in a Nar-Anon meeting I attend we just recently discussed how so many of us describe our addict children in just the same way you described your son. As so smart and funny, great sense of humor with so much potential.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
I understand what you are going thru
I have 2 sons from an alcoholic husband that I divorced when they were little, thinking I could save them from the heartache I went thru with him. I got remarried to a man that said he was sober after being an alcoholic for most of his teenage years only to find out that he may have been sober but still had the alcoholic behaviors because he didn't go thru any treatment to help him find out his why. He treated my sons like crap and used to call them all sorts of bad names (didn't matter that they were young).
My oldest who is 22 now drinks more than makes me comfortable and my youngest 19 just got of of rehab and has 80 days sober and clean.
In going thru the treatment process with the 19 year old I found out that the anger, disrespect and usage all started and got worse because that was they only way he know to distance himself from the verbal abuse. He is also very intelligent and said that he was tired of competing with his older brother and just wanted to be accepted by the cool crowd not the brainy crowd as he called them. His anger stemed from what he saw me going thru and the frustration he felt at having no control over the invironment we lived in. There was nothing he could do to change the way his step-dad treated him or me, so he got HIGH to run away from it all. 90% of his high school class used in one way or another so he wanted to be one of them. I didn't address this anger problem when it first started because I was trying to defend myself and couldn't see what it was doing to him.
It sounds like maybe your son is acting out for some of the same reasons, maybe not the abuse but there are some issues, like his mother moving again and money trouble, that he doesn't have what he needs in him to deal with them so he is finding a crowd that helps him to distance himself from all that.
My youngest and I moved when we went back to college at the same time hoping that distance from his "friends" would stop the Addiction process, all it did was give him a wider circle of user friends, I really wish I had done something with him at the age he started,14, instead of waiting until he got older.
My prayers are with you, it sounds like maybe you are on the right track, you might talk to his therapist though and see what she thinks about him going to meetings like al-anon or nar-anon just to get an idea of where his behavior might lead him to if something doesn't change. Just a thought.
Barb
My oldest who is 22 now drinks more than makes me comfortable and my youngest 19 just got of of rehab and has 80 days sober and clean.
In going thru the treatment process with the 19 year old I found out that the anger, disrespect and usage all started and got worse because that was they only way he know to distance himself from the verbal abuse. He is also very intelligent and said that he was tired of competing with his older brother and just wanted to be accepted by the cool crowd not the brainy crowd as he called them. His anger stemed from what he saw me going thru and the frustration he felt at having no control over the invironment we lived in. There was nothing he could do to change the way his step-dad treated him or me, so he got HIGH to run away from it all. 90% of his high school class used in one way or another so he wanted to be one of them. I didn't address this anger problem when it first started because I was trying to defend myself and couldn't see what it was doing to him.
It sounds like maybe your son is acting out for some of the same reasons, maybe not the abuse but there are some issues, like his mother moving again and money trouble, that he doesn't have what he needs in him to deal with them so he is finding a crowd that helps him to distance himself from all that.
My youngest and I moved when we went back to college at the same time hoping that distance from his "friends" would stop the Addiction process, all it did was give him a wider circle of user friends, I really wish I had done something with him at the age he started,14, instead of waiting until he got older.
My prayers are with you, it sounds like maybe you are on the right track, you might talk to his therapist though and see what she thinks about him going to meetings like al-anon or nar-anon just to get an idea of where his behavior might lead him to if something doesn't change. Just a thought.
Barb
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