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Old 07-25-2008, 09:49 AM
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Looking for the silver lining
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Hi...new here

Hi all...I am really glad I found this site. I am looking forward to sharing with people who really understand and gain some insight from your experiences.

Currently, I am contemplating leaving my marriage....

I am 30 years old...my husband if 46. We have been together for eight years, married two. My husband's DOC is alcohol, but now after a back injury and pain management, he is hooked onto scripts as well. He does not work, and is applying for SS. He doesn't ever want to work again as far as he is concerned. I am a co-dependent wife. I have taken care of absolutely everything for my husband. I am more like his mother than his wife. When we first got together, I knew he drank and drugged. I did my share too, but eventually outgrew the phase. He told me that all in life he wanted was to have his own family. He said he wanted to be sober and happy. Throughout the years, he has had his "slips," but never wanted to go to AA. He wanted to do it on his own. Even when I put down boundaries, he crossed them. I just drew new lines in the sand. He has never really been able to hold a job for long periods of time, but now with the SS case in the picture, he is home all day. He does what he wants with his day, which I now find out includes activities and people that I had no idea existed.

My husband is a depressed person...in fact, he tried to commit suicide in June. He is not physically abusive. He is not a cruel person. I wasn't aware that he was using to the extent he was. In light of his suicide attempt and the circumstances surrounding it, I have come to find out a lot of things that I never knew. He is not the person I thought that he was. I am not sure if I want this marriage anymore. I love him, but it has burdened me beyond what I think I can handle. He tries not to drink and makes superficial attempts at fixing things, but going to AA or serious recovery efforts have not been made. However, I am torn because I feel like I am abandoning him as he has no assets, no family, no where to go. A part of me loves this man and part of me hates him.

What are your suggestions? Where should I go?

Thanks and peace.[/SIZE]
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Old 07-25-2008, 10:27 AM
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Welcome! I hope you find this place as helpful as I have.

You might want to try AlAnon meetings. Many in here find they provide the suppor tthey need.

I understand your feeling that leaving him would be abandoning him BUT he is an adult, responsible for himself. You are not responsible for his choices and behaviors. He can choose to deal with his issues, whatever they may be. Or not. Either way its out of your control.

You can choose to educate yourself on alcoholism and codependency (which many of us in here have found is our particular problem), you can learn how to make your decisions based on who your AH is rather than who you hope/wish/think he can be, you can learn to understand what your choices are and act on those choices as you think is best for you.
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Old 07-25-2008, 10:31 AM
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My (STBX)AH is disabled, also, and on SS. He has a victim mentality, and lots of people buy into it because of his disability. I did too for a long time. I was always trying to help -- making suggestions on how he could deal better with his disability; making sure he saw positive role models that had the same disability. I couldn't leave him because he needed me so badly; he wouldn't even be able to go to the grocery store and get food to eat if I wasn't here. Then I SLOWLY realized that was a bunch of bull. The reason he "couldn't" do anything for himself is because he never wanted to learn how to do anything for himself. I was never going to be able to "suggest" or "encourage" or "teach" him enough -- cause he never wanted to. I felt trapped and felt SOOO guilty for feeling trapped for a long time.

I finally realized that his was choosing to be a victim, and that so was I. I moved out 9 months ago and we will soon be divorced. Life does indeed go on; I never would have believed that even just one year ago.
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Old 07-25-2008, 12:28 PM
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I feel for you, as my situation is somewhat similar. My DH is 12 1/2 yrs. older than me, and although I didn't think so 12 years ago, I realize now the age difference is catching up to us. I think as the As get older, they can't handle the alcohol as well, and that's when the disease really catches up to them ... and when we realize what has happened. My DH is not abusive, either, which I think almost makes it harder to leave. I worried about leaving my DH, too, as he makes about a 1/3rd of what I do & would have to support himself in his own place. I wrestled with it all for months & then realized, for my own sanity, I had to make the break and move out. It was one of the hardest things I've done, but it's finally giving me the time and space to focus on me & try to figure out what I want to do with my life. I'm still trying to figure things out, but at least the daily stress and drama of living with my AH are not longer there to cloud me. I wish you strength in finding out what's best for you.
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Old 07-25-2008, 12:36 PM
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Welcome Silver! Sorry that you are struggling-You have come to a great place as there is a lot of support here! Check out the stickies at the top of the forum-they are filled with a wealth of information and some really good books-

No one can tell you what you want but you-No one knows what is best for you but you!

Al-Anon is good for some and not others- I would suggest IMHO giving it a shot-go to one or two meetings and just sit and listen-I was amazed how many in there felt the same things that I did, things that I was afraid to ever share with anyone but rather kept it locked within eating me up. (Unhealthy)

Be gentle with yourself and keep posting here-There are a lot of people with
great experience, strength and hope ready to share with you.

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Old 07-25-2008, 04:33 PM
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I feel your pain. My father is in the same boat. His drinking has been an issue now for the past 5 1/2 years and about 2 years ago he fell, while drunk, and severely messed up his back. Now he takes pain pill daily to overcome his state and drinks on occasion as well. He has become an utter jerk to his entire family - my mother especially. I hate it.

My husband and I recently had a baby and I informed my father that she will not be over his house if he continues to be the way he is (completely disrespectful of his family).

I feel for my mother more than anything - she is the one that has to deal with it on a daily basis. Thanks for letting me vent - I will keep you in my thoughts!
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