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OK, he wants my criticisms, I知 totally at a loss!

Old 07-24-2008, 07:57 PM
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OK, he wants my criticisms, I知 totally at a loss!

This is a new one. He wants me to 田ritique his drinking, maybe once a week prior to (or after) my Al-Anon meeting (which really seems to hit a sore spot, as he sees it as a class I have to go to to learn to 菟ut up with him).

He says he wants me to do this so that he can learn from his mistakes so he can make 殿djustments????? And this request was made when he was perfectly sober.

Please, please, please someone tell me what this is all about!!!!!!
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Old 07-24-2008, 08:01 PM
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More manipulation as I see it. And perhaps trying to shift responsibility from himself to you in some way.

I have an easy critique. I view any drinking by an alcoholic as unacceptable.
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Old 07-24-2008, 08:08 PM
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What Barbara said.

Wow!! This is a new one. My AP was crying last night and saying, "So, you want me to find Jesus! Is that it?" knowing I'm an atheist and I just want peace in my own life. So she knows that's a sore spot with me. As I've said before, the only truth that ever comes out of the mouth of a practicing alcoholic is, "I want a drink." The rest is just desperate manipulation. Be wary.
:chatter
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Old 07-24-2008, 08:13 PM
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sounds like another way to rivet all your attention in his direction.

"watch me drink". "give me your thoughts on me." what do you think of me after 3 drinks?"
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Old 07-24-2008, 08:14 PM
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barbara52 said it pretty well. It is unacceptable, manipulative behavior. An alcoholic cannot make adjustments to drinking, or do controlled drinking with any success. At least this alcoholic cannot. Nor would I be willing to accept it from anyone I was involved with. Keep going to Alanon. It can help you help yourself. Maybe he was sober with this request but he is still an active alcoholic. To me this means he is still a sick alcoholic, not working on recovery.
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Old 07-24-2008, 08:24 PM
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How about this? You do whatever you want. I'll do what I need to for my life.

L
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Old 07-24-2008, 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
How about this? You do whatever you want. I'll do what I need to for my life.

L
Short and simple. Step away from the drama. I like it.
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Old 07-25-2008, 05:13 PM
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Thank you all for your input. They all hit a spot.

Barbara52, he is a master manipulator! In the past, he was able to shift the focus of an argument from him (drinking) to me, and before I even realized it, *I* was the one apologizing! Whaaaattt??? He still tries, but I don稚 let it go there anymore. I simply say 的致e apologized for that already, or basically, 澱een there, done that. Next?. That quiets him down pretty well.

Starflier, OMG, his big line is 的知 not going to go to AA and get brainwashed by all those God people. He loves his bumpersticker that says 迭ehab is for quitters.

Miss Communicat, nail on the head big time! He is an attention hog! And, you quoted him word for word!!

deezadog, he is definitely not working on recovery as far as I can see, unless drinking less counts. I do have to give him credit for drinking less, which I am thankful for. I知 kinda looking at it as baby steps right now. I知 finding peace, I知 not yet ready to call it quits, so we値l see where these baby steps lead us, I guess. I知 good.

LaTeeDa, that痴 pretty much my response to him. And then he starts in with 徹h, well, maybe I should go to a class to learn to ignore the things about you I don稚 like (that痴 how he refers to my Al-Anon, a class to learn how to ignore him, deal with him, etc.)

I guess I just need to tell him I don稚 think it痴 my place to comment on his drinking. Unless something directly affects me or our kids, I don稚 need to worry about it. But that痴 just his big thing now 滴ow was I last night?. Most of the time I値l say 吐ine. But, I just realized right this second as I知 typing this, that when I say 吐ine, I知 talking about ME!! Not him!! Whoooaaaa! I AM fine!!

Oh crap. So now what do I do? When he asks me 塗ow was I last night? Maybe I値l just say 電runk. J

If he was 澱ad drunk, he壇 know it, right? He doesn稚 need me to tell him. Is he looking for approval of his drinking for when he痴 渡ot bad? He痴 got such a low self image. It痴 like he痴 not comfortable unless someone has something bad to say about him. And if noone does, then he continues to look for something bad about himself.

arrgghh! I hate it when I can't figure things out! I'm a fixer who knows it, but can't get past step 2; I could really use that right now. I'm stuck.

juju
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Old 07-25-2008, 05:28 PM
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I can't offer any help... but I can send you a big Hug!

((((HUGS)))))

Karen
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Old 07-25-2008, 07:40 PM
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Originally Posted by juju View Post
徹h, well, maybe I should go to a class to learn to ignore the things about you I don稚 like (that痴 how he refers to my Al-Anon, a class to learn how to ignore him, deal with him, etc.)
You don't need to figure things out.

You don't need to figure him out.

He's an A, he's into manipulation, finger-pointing, denial, and a lot of blah, blah, blah.

If my AH said "maybe I should go to a class to learn to ignore the things about you I don't like," I would simply respond, "If you want to, okay; it's your choice."

I put up with this garbage for years. Finally, I just stayed out of the house a great deal of the time and kept all interaction to a minimum. The less response AH got from me, the less sarcasm and other nasty junk I had to listen to.
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Old 07-25-2008, 07:51 PM
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How about, "I'm your wife, not your wet nurse."

Sheesh, the manipulation.
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Old 07-25-2008, 09:08 PM
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yes, manipulation whether they drink or not (mine is not drinking but not working a program either). He tried to engage me in conversation this week. It went like this HIM -"so you are saying that I am a bad parent because I dont call the kids?"

ME- "well it doesnt make you a great parent"

HIM- "so you are saying I am a bad parent?"

At that point I said I was done with the conversation and he needed to leave. what was the point, right?

THey never ever get it. they just love to manipulate. it is time walk away for me.
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Old 07-26-2008, 04:39 AM
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Originally Posted by juju View Post
He says he wants me to do this so that he can learn from his mistakes so he can make “adjustments”?
This does two things. He can continue to drink (in moderation) under the guise that he'll be successful at drinking (in moderation) with your help and support, (so he doesn't have to give it up all together). In his mind it also deflects some of the responsibility from him to you.

Classic stuff. He's good.... Very good. You'll need to get up early in the morning to stay on top of his smoke and mirrors routine.
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Old 07-26-2008, 08:35 PM
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Originally Posted by juju View Post
So now what do I do? When he asks me 塗ow was I last night? Maybe I値l just say 電runk.
I think that's better than saying "Fine"
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