juju

This is a new one. He wants me to “critique” his drinking, maybe once a week prior to (or after) my Al-Anon meeting (which really seems to hit a sore spot, as he sees it as a class I have to go to to learn to “put up” with him).

He says he wants me to do this so that he can learn from his mistakes so he can make “adjustments”????? And this request was made when he was perfectly sober.

Please, please, please someone tell me what this is all about!!!!!!

Barbara52

More manipulation as I see it. And perhaps trying to shift responsibility from himself to you in some way.

I have an easy critique. I view any drinking by an alcoholic as unacceptable.

starflier

What Barbara said.

Wow!! This is a new one. My AP was crying last night and saying, "So, you want me to find Jesus! Is that it?" knowing I'm an atheist and I just want peace in my own life. So she knows that's a sore spot with me. As I've said before, the only truth that ever comes out of the mouth of a practicing alcoholic is, "I want a drink." The rest is just desperate manipulation. Be wary.
:chatter

miss communicat

sounds like another way to rivet all your attention in his direction.

"watch me drink". "give me your thoughts on me." what do you think of me after 3 drinks?"

deezaldog

barbara52 said it pretty well. It is unacceptable, manipulative behavior. An alcoholic cannot make adjustments to drinking, or do controlled drinking with any success. At least this alcoholic cannot. Nor would I be willing to accept it from anyone I was involved with. Keep going to Alanon. It can help you help yourself. Maybe he was sober with this request but he is still an active alcoholic. To me this means he is still a sick alcoholic, not working on recovery.

LaTeeDa

How about this? You do whatever you want. I'll do what I need to for my life.

L

starflier

Short and simple. Step away from the drama. I like it.

juju

Thank you all for your input. They all hit a spot.

Barbara52, he is a master manipulator! In the past, he was able to shift the focus of an argument from him (drinking) to me, and before I even realized it, *I* was the one apologizing! Whaaaattt??? He still tries, but I don’t let it go there anymore. I simply say “I’ve apologized for that already”, or basically, “been there, done that. Next?”. That quiets him down pretty well.

Starflier, OMG, his big line is “I’m not going to go to AA and get brainwashed by all those God people”. He loves his bumpersticker that says “Rehab is for quitters”.

Miss Communicat, nail on the head big time! He is an attention hog! And, you quoted him word for word!!

deezadog, he is definitely not working on recovery as far as I can see, unless drinking less counts. I do have to give him credit for drinking less, which I am thankful for. I’m kinda looking at it as baby steps right now. I’m finding peace, I’m not yet ready to call it quits, so we’ll see where these baby steps lead us, I guess. I’m good.

LaTeeDa, that’s pretty much my response to him. And then he starts in with “Oh, well, maybe I should go to a class to learn to ignore the things about you I don’t like” (that’s how he refers to my Al-Anon, a class to learn how to ignore him, deal with him, etc.)

I guess I just need to tell him I don’t think it’s my place to comment on his drinking. Unless something directly affects me or our kids, I don’t need to worry about it. But that’s just his big thing now “How was I last night?”. Most of the time I’ll say “fine”. But, I just realized right this second as I’m typing this, that when I say “fine”, I’m talking about ME!! Not him!! Whoooaaaa! I AM fine!!

Oh crap. So now what do I do? When he asks me “how was I last night”? Maybe I’ll just say “drunk”. J

If he was “bad drunk”, he’d know it, right? He doesn’t need me to tell him. Is he looking for approval of his drinking for when he’s “not bad”? He’s got such a low self image. It’s like he’s not comfortable unless someone has something bad to say about him. And if noone does, then he continues to look for something bad about himself.

arrgghh! I hate it when I can't figure things out! I'm a fixer who knows it, but can't get past step 2; I could really use that right now. I'm stuck.

juju

karengrovo

I can't offer any help... but I can send you a big Hug!

((((HUGS)))))

Karen

prodigal

You don't need to figure things out.

You don't need to figure him out.

He's an A, he's into manipulation, finger-pointing, denial, and a lot of blah, blah, blah.

If my AH said "maybe I should go to a class to learn to ignore the things about you I don't like," I would simply respond, "If you want to, okay; it's your choice."

I put up with this garbage for years. Finally, I just stayed out of the house a great deal of the time and kept all interaction to a minimum. The less response AH got from me, the less sarcasm and other nasty junk I had to listen to.

GiveLove

How about, "I'm your wife, not your wet nurse."

Sheesh, the manipulation.

daisies

yes, manipulation whether they drink or not (mine is not drinking but not working a program either). He tried to engage me in conversation this week. It went like this HIM -"so you are saying that I am a bad parent because I dont call the kids?"

ME- "well it doesnt make you a great parent"

HIM- "so you are saying I am a bad parent?"

At that point I said I was done with the conversation and he needed to leave. what was the point, right?

THey never ever get it. they just love to manipulate. it is time walk away for me.

Jazzman

This does two things. He can continue to drink (in moderation) under the guise that he'll be successful at drinking (in moderation) with your help and support, (so he doesn't have to give it up all together). In his mind it also deflects some of the responsibility from him to you.

Classic stuff. He's good.... Very good. You'll need to get up early in the morning to stay on top of his smoke and mirrors routine.

RayRayRay

I think that's better than saying "Fine"