RayRayRay

My SO broke up with me (again) last night in a drunken stupor. Every other time this has happened I have either phoned her first thing in the morning to beg her to take me back or waited for her call to apologize and then taken her back.

Not this time.

Even though I am dying to phone her, I will not. If she phones me, I will not return her calls. But I am unsure of how long I will be able to keep my distance. She's been my world for 4 years and I have no one but her that I can talk to.

I'm very lucky to have this site. Though having f2f people to lean on would be helpful....

Barbara52

I'm sorry you are hurting. But I do know that you are making steps to improve your life. Be strong and remember you are worth going thru the difficult times to get to the good times. {hugs}

deezaldog

Sounds like a merry-go-round that needs to stop. I can really relate to it. I was in the same position in April. I was thrown out by my ex while he was in another drunk. I was asked after lots of my whining "if he did'nt do it, how long would you have continued to keep up with the behavior? I am still lonely but know I am better off without the drama. I hope you can find peace and start over. Best of luck

Bernadette

hey RayRayRay-
Hang in there. Just take things one day at a time - or one minute at a time. When you feel a weakness coming on- be sure to "play the tape all the way through to the end." When we are blue it is easy to focus on the good times and the hope that we once felt...but if you play the tape all the way through and remember the REALITY of how things always turn out it will keep you on this path to recovering yourself.

Be kind to yourself. Try to stay distracted and busy until you feel stronger!!
Sending you a prayer and (((hugs)))
Peace,
B.

butterfly19

Rae,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such rough times! It sounds, though, like you are doing all the right things. Unfortunately, if this scenario has happened before it will continue to cycle forever until one or both of you becomes seriously hurt emotionally (if you haven't already).

Stay strong and keep busy! If nothing else, stay on here and read the posts. Calling her or answering her calls will most likely bring nothing but more heartache. And right now, sweetie, you need to be focused on YOU! So keep yourself healthy first and foremost.

I know how it feels to not have many friends. You're a very likeable person. I imagine if you went to some meetings or anywhere to meet some new folks, you would have friends to talk to in no time at all! We're here for you--remember that! Take care and hope to chat with you soon!

Love,

butterfly19

1963comet

Sorry you are going through a tuff time. I'm sure you will make some new friends in recovery.

My one and only best friend died last month. And drifted away from my party friends. But family is there for me and met people at my recovery group. But SR is here 24/7 and a few times I felt better after writing here.

RayRayRay

She just phoned. I didn't pick up - I let the machine get it.

I NEED to call her. I feel like if I don't my world will crash in. I will not be able to exist without her in my life.

I do believe I am having a panic attack.....

I won't call her. I can't.

Argh! This is HARD!!!

gns

I have been in that panic and despair, too.

If you really committed to letting this go, I have found things that ground me, take me back into myslef help. Yoga, exercise (something intense so you cant think) help me into myself and stop the desperate need that needs to be fulfilled from the outside (hearing from ex or a man)

i4getsm

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Every minute/hour/day you can keep yourself off the merry-go-round is a CHANGE to what you have been doing. You have taken a great first step. Keep reading, keep posting.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You have changed the cycle. Be proud of what you are doing for yourself. Stay strong!

Barbara52

RayRayRay, this may sound like a silly suggestion but if you truly think you might "accidentally" give in and call, unplug the phone from the wall. That way it will take the conscious action of going over and plugging the phone into the wall before you can do it. And those few seconds of extra time along with the conscious action may allow you to stop before you do something you don't want to do.

RayRayRay

It's not a silly suggestion. Done.

I'm so antsy right now I don't think I could do anything to help myself. I'm about to jump out of my skin....

Barbara52

How about going for a walk or some other forms of strong physical activity. It can take care of your mental loop-de-loops and help wear you out so you can rest later.

RayRayRay

Not sure I could handle a walk....The agitated state I'm in, it'd be somewhere between a skip and a line dance!

But you're right...I need to find something or I'll never get to sleep tonight. Maybe now is a good time to take up running!

RayRayRay

I feel a bit better now. Took myself for a run (all the way around the block! lol), then took the dogs for a walk.

It's been a couple of hours and I haven't called her. Thank you to everyone who offered advice and kind words....

I had been thinking that this experience will be hard to deal with on my own, but I am not alone. I have all the good people here at SR to turn to.

Thanks!

Reddmax

I'm in the same type of situation. Weekend before last, she wanted to leave, and I let her. I left the house and stayed at a friends place. She ended up coming home and apologized.

I'm sorta stuck now, but she says she wants to work on it.

Lilyflower

RayRayRay, repect to you! You handles all this marvellously!

You are soooo strong! If you don't feel it, read back over this thread there is just tons of inner strength coming through you here!

Keep on moving forward, you are doing great1

love
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

RayRayRay

So its day two and she hasn't tried calling again. I want her to phone. I want to know if she's upset.

It seems wrong to do this to a person I care about. It seems mean. My recovery comes first, but the anxiety all this is causing me is nearly as risky as putting up with her alcoholic behaviour.

Any advice on how to subside this guilty feeling?

Barbara52

Guilt can be such a deep subject. Just what is it you feel guilty about? What have you done that is wrong and you should be guilty for? What is it you have done to her other than require that she treat you with the respect every human being deserves? She broke up with you and left. I fail to see where you should feel guilty about that.

freya

First off, I am going to assume that you are committed to separating and are doing so only because you know that it is the best/healthiest thing for you and with your only goal being to take care of yourself. (i.e. you are not doing so out a misguided desire to manipulate or change or fix or save or prove something to her.)

If that is the case, then this is new behavior and new behavior -- however good it is for you -- is always uncomfortable. It's like working out or eating right or any other "program" that one undertakes to help oneself. At first it can be uncomfortable or even hurt like h*ll, but the more you work at it and practice it, the better you feel and the more comfortable it becomes until it actually feels as good as it is for you.

....but, there are ways to speed up that process and ways to impede it....or even undermine it....and, sitting around thinking about what she is doing or feeling and waiting for her to make the next move is definitely one of the latter.

What do you do to feel good, to feel strengthened, to feel connected to the energy of the universe? Do it! By focusing on her and what she's doing or might do, you are giving away your energy and your power to her. You need your energy and your power for yourself....especially at a time like this. Who do you talk to -- really deep, authentic, honest, mutually supportive talk? Contact those people and get support from them. If you are someone who tends to isolate, then now is the time to break that habit and reach out.... What do you read for inspiration? Read it. How do you pray/get centered/connect/whatever you call it? Do it.

If you are considering a life separate from her, then you'd better have a life of your own that doesn't revolve around her...what do you like, what are you interested in, what challenges you, or even just entertains you???? The chances are if you have spent a lot of time recently organizing your life around an active alcoholic, you may not even know the answers to some of these questions. It's time to find out....and believe me, if you give finding out the time and attention it deserves, then you're not going to have much time left to worry about what she's doing or going to do.

freya

RayRayRay

It's kind of like recovery all over again, isn't it?

When put that way, it makes the whole thing intriguing. It was tough but I found out so much about myself and what I liked when I stopped drinking and using.

This is going to be another step in a POSITIVE direction. It's just going to take some work.