feeling all bunchy and nervous

Old 07-25-2008, 12:27 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 128
feeling all bunchy and nervous

I am spending to much of my time thinking about things and worrying about others when I really need to stop and worry about myself.

I cant change things that are going to happen for others but I can change myself.

Being a mother with a 19 year old child, she will figure things out. My daughter still lives at home and she works full time at the present time and is registered for 14 credit hours (full time) for the fall semester.

Her temporary job may be ending very soon and I am just worrying about what she is going to do if it ends.

I know that I am not doing myself any good worrying about this. But this is how I am with everything, I worry and worry and I try to fix things.

Let go and Let God.

I worry about my son, he tends to live on the edge at 15 years old. If you know what I mean kinda walks the fine line, does what he has to do to get buy. He is going into his sophmore year in highschool, and he did pass all his classes and received all his credit for 9th grade. But I am constantly on his butt to do what he has to do. FRUSTRATING.

I always tell him that I am not on his butt cause that is what I like to do, I am on his butt for him. I tell him this isnt going to be my future this is your future and unless you want to work at taco bell your whole life you need to do this for you, becuase you are not going to be able to support yourself let alone a family on that kind of wages.

He plays baseball and hockey I have tried to keep him busy with sports and I am very involved with him and dont miss a game.

I know that he loves to play, but I am tired of getting him up everday and pushing him to get to his practices. He grunts and has attitude about getting up.

It is summer and he has hockey four days a week with the highschool for the fall league, and is baseball league is almost ending, maybe his last play off game Monday, if they loose that day they are done.

I am very curious if he would do what he has to do or even if he wants to do what he is doing. Or if he is doing these things because I am telling him that he needs to stay involved. Just where do you draw the line at (15)??

My youngest daughter is 10 years old, and I dont have the serious situations with her as of yet due to age, just little things.

When does a parent step back and just let things fall the way they are intended to fall. I feel like I am at the point with my two older kids that there is not a whole heck of alot I can do anymore. Even though my son is 15 and needs direction, he is at a very hard age. I just keep talking to him and talking to him, but sometimes I feel it is just in vain.
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Old 07-25-2008, 02:14 PM
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184

I know how you's hard when you are doing it alone too! I have a 16 year old that you described in your 15 year old. He's a good kid, but alot of work to keep on track. The attitude sucks at times too...the mouth is an entirely whole other problem. The 14 year old is tough too!...Whoever said boys were easy???? The 16 year old has a girlfriend and he works part-time. The job can stay if his grades are good. The 14 year old is entering high school and very involved in sports...I hope this encourages him to do well acedemically also. Right now it's like a vacation not having to get everyone up and out in the morning and then help with homework all evening.

I am not ready to step back and feel it's my job to stay on top of them while they are legally my responsibility...and being the codie that I am it will probably last well into their thirties!!!!!!
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Old 07-25-2008, 03:05 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
From the time my boys started high school I tried to step back as much as possible. IMO that is necessary (in most cases) to allow them to become their own person, to learn to take responsibility for themselves and their descisions (along with the consequences whether good or bad). IMO it does young adults a diservice to make too many decisions for them, to make sure they are doing what they need to do for school or a job.

Now, for my younger son, things took a turn when he started down the road of drug use along with not doing well in school. We ended up sending him to a rehabilitation wilderness school for a year. Bur for my older son, I stepped back and let him discover his own way as much as possible while always making sure he knew I was there for him at all times.
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Old 07-26-2008, 12:27 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
I am a mom now raising 2 sons, 17 and 20, on my own. I agree that it is tough at these ages knowing when to get involved and set boundaries ...and when to step aside. My 20 year old is very independent and can be very stubborn and disagreeable ... and at times even careless and irresponsible for his age, but he is also a good kid that stays out of trouble and gets excellent grades in a top notch university. I feel as long as he keeps on the straight and narrow, I will try to step aside whenever possible and let him make most of his own decisions. However, he has had trouble finding a very much needed job these last 2 summers ... so this spring I took the initiative and got more involved then I had in the past. Last summer I let him handle his own job hunting and he ended up jobless and I found out later his self esteem suffered greatly even though he never revealed these feelings to me. This year, after several weeks of his own job hunting, when his own attempts had failed and his morale was again getting low, he finally gave in and actually let me drive him around & help him look for jobs ...and surprisingly the first place I stopped at, he went in and got the job. I think it was a valuable learning experience for him since, in the past, he had given up too easily when he went job hunting on his own... or he was too picky - he finally let down his guard enough to listen to my suggestions coming from years of being both an employee and an employer. I don't think he would have ever even applied at the place he ended up getting a job at on his own....but he ended up with a good job making more money than he ever thought he could make in a summer ...and he is now more confident, experienced and self assured as a result ... and he has a bank account filled with much needed college money. He got and kept the job because of his own ability ... he just needed some suggestions and encouragement along the way .. even at an independent 20, there are times they can still benefit from our involvement.

My youngest son recently turned 17 and so far has shown more wisdom and maturity than my oldest son. In many ways, he has been easier because he actually still listens to advise and guidance. Both of my sons had to watch the self destructive and tragic decline that lead to the eventual death of their father due to alcoholism within the past several years. My youngest son has been more willing to discuss all the troubling events resulting from his father choices. As a result, at this point in his life he finds stories regarding his teenage peers experiences with drugs and alcohol use, idiotic and appalling. He even finds smoking to be abhorrent. I explained to him that he was given the opportunity to see from the inside how horrific addiction is ... an advantage some of his peers won't find out about until they discover first hand the hard way ..and have made some serious and dangerous choices leading to life long, heart breaking misery of addiction. I have seen some of his comments that he has made to friends he is unaware that I have seen ... and I have quietly glowed with pride when he has repeated to his friends some of the advise I have given him. It validated that he really was listening and learning during these discussions - even though at times he appeared bored and disinterested on the outside.

There are times it would seem easier to give up and concentrate on my own endless list of problems ..and let them handle all their own choices ... then I remember that I am still their mom and not their friend or a roommate that they share a house with ..and part of my job as a parent at their ages is to make sure I have conveyed what I believe are acceptable and appropriate behaviors for decent, caring, and honorable people .... the kind of adults that I hope they grow to become.
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