His response to my letter, now I feel bad
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
As an outsider,I notice he was careful to completely ignore the main topic of your letter and concern. It was all manipulation and turning back onto you to tug on your heart strings and leave him off the hook.
typical.
I understand how it can feel to get one of these letters,etc. Actually,for me it was an attempt at the same old "dance". My exAH moved out for a month,so that I "could shape up" and then came home and announced that he did not think I had cleaned the house the way he wanted it (the one our two kids stayed in,too when he took his leave). He completely ignored the fact that three of us did not want to live with the behaviors HE was displaying related to his drinking. I said that perhaos he should stay at his apartment another month or so;give us both a chance to work on our issues. That went over like a lead balloon. I think he was sure I would be so relieved to have him return,that I wouldn't care about the other. wrong (that time). Fwiw; he said he could not move back;it was a one month only rental and someone else was moving in and his stuff was in the trunk.
When I stopped smoothing things over to keep him happy; the kids and I got better. He did not like it,but why would he? haha
Like I have heard here before;say what you mean;just don't say it mean. Your letter did just that. His brain is still toxic and focused on how HE wants the world to revolve around him........he read it thru that mindset.
Be gentle on yourself;as is said in Getting Them Sober books: "what's good for the family is good for the alcoholic".
typical.
I understand how it can feel to get one of these letters,etc. Actually,for me it was an attempt at the same old "dance". My exAH moved out for a month,so that I "could shape up" and then came home and announced that he did not think I had cleaned the house the way he wanted it (the one our two kids stayed in,too when he took his leave). He completely ignored the fact that three of us did not want to live with the behaviors HE was displaying related to his drinking. I said that perhaos he should stay at his apartment another month or so;give us both a chance to work on our issues. That went over like a lead balloon. I think he was sure I would be so relieved to have him return,that I wouldn't care about the other. wrong (that time). Fwiw; he said he could not move back;it was a one month only rental and someone else was moving in and his stuff was in the trunk.
When I stopped smoothing things over to keep him happy; the kids and I got better. He did not like it,but why would he? haha
Like I have heard here before;say what you mean;just don't say it mean. Your letter did just that. His brain is still toxic and focused on how HE wants the world to revolve around him........he read it thru that mindset.
Be gentle on yourself;as is said in Getting Them Sober books: "what's good for the family is good for the alcoholic".
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Drama. . . (boo-hoo- poor me- weeding the garden, reading the Bible, waiting for you to fall all over me!) Oh how it smells like manipulation. My counselor clarified something with me that I think about often. My AH is an adult. He does not behave like an adult- he behaves like a child- throwing temper tantrums, blaming me for all his problems, will not take responsibility for anything- including how HE feels. He has made his choices, and IMO some very bad ones. He's left a wife and dd for what? A stinky little apt., eats spaghetti or mac and cheese most nights, drives a POS car. . . all my fault. Interesting your BF feels marrying you is a good way to show you how much he loves you. Again- IMO that's nothing- actions speak louder than words- what have his actions been in the recent past? Is he doing anything to show you that he loves you??? Trust your gut- your entire last paragraph says so much.
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