His response to my letter, now I feel bad
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
His response to my letter, now I feel bad
I posted the letter that I sent to stbxabf the other day, in response to his letter giving me a choice of either marriage/moving right back in together or separation. This is the letter I got for a response.
Dear Wendy,
Well I got your letter today, I worked very hard in the garden today waiting in exitement to see you I was missing and needing to see you very badly, but I got this letter instead, Im hurt! I am sending this letter back to you, you can read it again I hope it sinks in to you how badly it crushed me not having any way to talk or communicate with you. Just so you know and Im sure you knew it when you wrote it it made me cry! Wendy the only reason I wanted to marry you was just to prove my love to you "a committment for the rest of my life so you knew how deeply I feel for you but I guess by seperation what you really meant to say was I just don't feel like you do about us. I don't even have enough heart left in me to keep writing as you have tore it out of me I thought a promise for life would mean so much to you I know it would of me. Well I hope that you don't keep Ryan from me as I hope he still has enough love in his heart to want me in his life, I had a feeling you would move on, I prayed and read from the bible every day, prayed he would make our love stronger than ever instead he takes yours fro me, I think tonight I will put my bible down, as god obviously doesn't want us like I did, I miss ya.
Love Chris
P.S. I've saved every letter you have ever wrote me but I don't need this one to read over I get the hint. Why, after all we've shared do you walk away now.
P.S. Also here's the picture I looked a thousand times a day just to have my heart crushed.
This is so hard! I mean deep down what I would really love to say to him is, do you know how many times you've torn my heart out? Do you not remember how many times you've taken off for days and left me at home to wonder and I had no way to communicate with you? But I can't. It breaks my heart, I can't stand to hurt people or make people feel sad. Why, after all he has done can't I just be mad as hell? No instead, I'm sitting here feeling bad, feeling sad for him that he is sad. I mean it's not like I just decided to walk away from him. He gave me a choice...not even a choice, more like an ultimatum, marriage/living together or separation, and I am not ready to let him move back in once he is out, let alone marry him, how the heck can I make him understand? And this letter to me just doesn't seem like a man that is recovering. Grrr, this is so frustrating. I have enough trouble sticking with my own recovery without having to having him make me feel guilty. I mean it's not like I want to end this, I just know that it is necessary. I have come so far and I just don't want to go back to being miserable. I'm half way across the bridge, and without his letter I am sad enough back looking back at all the memories, good and bad. This just makes me want to run back to his side and give him a big hug. But the other side of the bridge is calling my name. Damn it! This is so hard!!!
Dear Wendy,
Well I got your letter today, I worked very hard in the garden today waiting in exitement to see you I was missing and needing to see you very badly, but I got this letter instead, Im hurt! I am sending this letter back to you, you can read it again I hope it sinks in to you how badly it crushed me not having any way to talk or communicate with you. Just so you know and Im sure you knew it when you wrote it it made me cry! Wendy the only reason I wanted to marry you was just to prove my love to you "a committment for the rest of my life so you knew how deeply I feel for you but I guess by seperation what you really meant to say was I just don't feel like you do about us. I don't even have enough heart left in me to keep writing as you have tore it out of me I thought a promise for life would mean so much to you I know it would of me. Well I hope that you don't keep Ryan from me as I hope he still has enough love in his heart to want me in his life, I had a feeling you would move on, I prayed and read from the bible every day, prayed he would make our love stronger than ever instead he takes yours fro me, I think tonight I will put my bible down, as god obviously doesn't want us like I did, I miss ya.
Love Chris
P.S. I've saved every letter you have ever wrote me but I don't need this one to read over I get the hint. Why, after all we've shared do you walk away now.
P.S. Also here's the picture I looked a thousand times a day just to have my heart crushed.
This is so hard! I mean deep down what I would really love to say to him is, do you know how many times you've torn my heart out? Do you not remember how many times you've taken off for days and left me at home to wonder and I had no way to communicate with you? But I can't. It breaks my heart, I can't stand to hurt people or make people feel sad. Why, after all he has done can't I just be mad as hell? No instead, I'm sitting here feeling bad, feeling sad for him that he is sad. I mean it's not like I just decided to walk away from him. He gave me a choice...not even a choice, more like an ultimatum, marriage/living together or separation, and I am not ready to let him move back in once he is out, let alone marry him, how the heck can I make him understand? And this letter to me just doesn't seem like a man that is recovering. Grrr, this is so frustrating. I have enough trouble sticking with my own recovery without having to having him make me feel guilty. I mean it's not like I want to end this, I just know that it is necessary. I have come so far and I just don't want to go back to being miserable. I'm half way across the bridge, and without his letter I am sad enough back looking back at all the memories, good and bad. This just makes me want to run back to his side and give him a big hug. But the other side of the bridge is calling my name. Damn it! This is so hard!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Step away and keep your eye on the bridge, honey. For you and your son. You know in your gut that you did the right thing with YOUR letter. You spoke from your heart, and made some realistic statements. They just weren't what HE wanted = all or nothing. Stay the course. You don't know what the future will bring. But if he's willing to "put down his Bible" because of this, he isn't seeking recovery because he desparately wants it for himself. Time will tell, and that is one thing we all have an abundance of--time. Be patient with yourself, and don't be rash in anything you do today.
And as for the letters? Once I received a very hateful letter from a relative that was just so upsetting. I called my sister who gave me very good advice. She said "Peace, you know you are a good person and "X" is not. Destroy the letter right now, as we are speaking, and don't give it another thought. They are just words......" I did as my big sister said, rather than hanging onto something that was really messing with my serenity. It was a good move. I say destroy both, the one he wrote and the one he sent back to you. Then take yourself out of these thoughts about him for a bit by doing something that requires your focus. Train your brain not to "stew" over HIM, HIM, HIM. Life is hard with a child to raise. You don't need another right now.
And as for the letters? Once I received a very hateful letter from a relative that was just so upsetting. I called my sister who gave me very good advice. She said "Peace, you know you are a good person and "X" is not. Destroy the letter right now, as we are speaking, and don't give it another thought. They are just words......" I did as my big sister said, rather than hanging onto something that was really messing with my serenity. It was a good move. I say destroy both, the one he wrote and the one he sent back to you. Then take yourself out of these thoughts about him for a bit by doing something that requires your focus. Train your brain not to "stew" over HIM, HIM, HIM. Life is hard with a child to raise. You don't need another right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Milwaukee WI
Posts: 137
no one can make us feel "guilty" we do that to ourselves, when I read the letter it sounds like a letter of manipulation, I feel the A's in our lives never see what damage they have done to us with their behavior, (or chose not to see) but when we finally stand up for ourselves and say we are not going to take it anymore, we are the bad guys..NOT...do not fall for it. I also read your letter when you posted it, it was straight to the point, not blaming and stating what you wanted, stick to it!! 
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
I must say IMHO the letter sounds to me like manipulation as well. "stillsearching" stated it pretty well!
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Opps.......Rella,I hit the wrong button when trying to quote you and ersaed your great post. Sorry to you and everyone else.
Pickaname
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Opps.......Rella,I hit the wrong button when trying to quote you and ersaed your great post. Sorry to you and everyone else.
Pickaname
Last edited by Pick-a-name; 06-02-2008 at 11:55 AM.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((Soconfused)))))
No it doesn't sound like recovery. One thing I learned from recovery is that nobody "makes me feel guilty" . Some people use tactic to try to make me break down but it won't work unless I let it. I have to see the manipulation for what it is.
His letter screams with "look what you have done to me" with no look at what he has done to him. He put himself where he is. It sounds like you have decided that you no longer wish to particapate in the chaos. He is making it sound like you are responsible for his emotional life. Which you are not.
It sounds like he does not take responsibility for himself and he is doing his best to try and suck you back in by using guilt...whoa do you want to be in a relationship based on guilt or because you feel sorry for them? It seems he feels quite sorry enough for himself.
If he cannot phantom why you would want to walk away from him then he must still not see an adult reality...
No it doesn't sound like recovery. One thing I learned from recovery is that nobody "makes me feel guilty" . Some people use tactic to try to make me break down but it won't work unless I let it. I have to see the manipulation for what it is.
His letter screams with "look what you have done to me" with no look at what he has done to him. He put himself where he is. It sounds like you have decided that you no longer wish to particapate in the chaos. He is making it sound like you are responsible for his emotional life. Which you are not.
It sounds like he does not take responsibility for himself and he is doing his best to try and suck you back in by using guilt...whoa do you want to be in a relationship based on guilt or because you feel sorry for them? It seems he feels quite sorry enough for himself.
If he cannot phantom why you would want to walk away from him then he must still not see an adult reality...
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I agree with Stillsearching, Rella and Splendra, his letter wreaks of manipulation and self pity.
His recovery is lacking in a bit of self reflection and humility. Let him go, you deserve so much more than an emotional blackmailer like him! urrgh, it makes me frustrated that they do this!
Keep focused on you! Burn the letters as suggested and put him to rest.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
His recovery is lacking in a bit of self reflection and humility. Let him go, you deserve so much more than an emotional blackmailer like him! urrgh, it makes me frustrated that they do this!
Keep focused on you! Burn the letters as suggested and put him to rest.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I read what you posted, then I read it again.
He is a "Pro" at manipulation. Oh I am sure somewhere he believes what he wrote, however, he also has ulterior motives...............................get back his 'cushy' spot and his codie.
As stated above, keep your eyes on you and your son. You know you are doing what is best for that child and you.
The turmoil you are going through now is not forever. Some day, he may work hard for his recovery and become a sober and clean functioning, productive member of society.
In the future you may get back together and you may not. He is now having to take responsibility for his actions and he is fighting tooth and nail and yes it is 'dirty fighting' not to have to do that.
You really have nothing to feel guilty about. You set your boundaries, and his response is because HE DOESN'T LIKE YOUR BOUNDARIES. Thus manipulation one more time.
Keep posting here Wendy. You know we care. You are doing an excellent job on YOUR OWN RECOVERY!!!!!!
Keep up the good work!!!!!!
Love and lots and lots of hugs,
He is a "Pro" at manipulation. Oh I am sure somewhere he believes what he wrote, however, he also has ulterior motives...............................get back his 'cushy' spot and his codie.
As stated above, keep your eyes on you and your son. You know you are doing what is best for that child and you.
The turmoil you are going through now is not forever. Some day, he may work hard for his recovery and become a sober and clean functioning, productive member of society.
In the future you may get back together and you may not. He is now having to take responsibility for his actions and he is fighting tooth and nail and yes it is 'dirty fighting' not to have to do that.
You really have nothing to feel guilty about. You set your boundaries, and his response is because HE DOESN'T LIKE YOUR BOUNDARIES. Thus manipulation one more time.
Keep posting here Wendy. You know we care. You are doing an excellent job on YOUR OWN RECOVERY!!!!!!
Keep up the good work!!!!!!
Love and lots and lots of hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
This is a typical response from an A. When I gave mine the letter that said I would no longer put up with the lies and manipulation..after putting up with it for years...He called me after he read it and said
" How the hell can you write me a letter like this? You just ripped my heart out...this really hurts...I can't believe it" He was crying and sounded like I had just ended his sorry life.
I told him I wrote the letter not to hurt him but to state my intentions. No more being lied to. He actually said "I have not lied about anything"
I knew right then his brain was gone. I felt bad for awhile but then I realized that is what he wanted. It is impossible to deal with an A. Its hard to come to the conclusion that it really can't be done. The guilt they heap up is astounding...we just have to learn not to take it on.
One step at a time and I am geting there slowly...each day I need to come to SR to get my reality check!
" How the hell can you write me a letter like this? You just ripped my heart out...this really hurts...I can't believe it" He was crying and sounded like I had just ended his sorry life.
I told him I wrote the letter not to hurt him but to state my intentions. No more being lied to. He actually said "I have not lied about anything"
I knew right then his brain was gone. I felt bad for awhile but then I realized that is what he wanted. It is impossible to deal with an A. Its hard to come to the conclusion that it really can't be done. The guilt they heap up is astounding...we just have to learn not to take it on.
One step at a time and I am geting there slowly...each day I need to come to SR to get my reality check!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
My STBEXAH also reacted with tears and promises to change, telling me I was ripping his heart out and that he would change. Its 10+ months later and nothing has changed for him. He found a new sweetie (well the first one) within 2 months of my leaving. He has now managed to convince himself that I was an evil witch and he has done nothing wrong, that he is a vicitm of me and the rest of the world.
All the words, those before I left and after I left, are meaningless since actions speak louder than words.
All the words, those before I left and after I left, are meaningless since actions speak louder than words.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I believe that they truly do not understand when we step out of the game and do not perform according to our "assigned" role (codie). They do not know how to respond except with more games, lies and manipulation. No sane person would rush to house and marry an addict just out of jail nor would a person in recovery (as he claims to be) expect you to.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Originally Posted by Soconfused11 
This is so hard! I mean deep down what I would really love to say to him is, do you know how many times you've torn my heart out? Do you not remember how many times you've taken off for days and left me at home to wonder and I had no way to communicate with you? But I can't. It breaks my heart, I can't stand to hurt people or make people feel sad. Why, after all he has done can't I just be mad as hell? No instead, I'm sitting here feeling bad, feeling sad for him that he is sad. I mean it's not like I just decided to walk away from him. He gave me a choice...not even a choice, more like an ultimatum, marriage/living together or separation, and I am not ready to let him move back in once he is out, let alone marry him, how the heck can I make him understand? And this letter to me just doesn't seem like a man that is recovering. Grrr, this is so frustrating. I have enough trouble sticking with my own recovery without having to having him make me feel guilty. I mean it's not like I want to end this, I just know that it is necessary. I have come so far and I just don't want to go back to being miserable. I'm half way across the bridge, and without his letter I am sad enough back looking back at all the memories, good and bad. This just makes me want to run back to his side and give him a big hug. But the other side of the bridge is calling my name. Damn it! This is so hard!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
oh yeah.....once again it sounds so much like he is playing out of the same play book as all the other A's do.
He knows that you are a kind and caring person. He knows exactly how to get under your skin. You expressed your position very clearly in your letter. He didn't want to hear it. He thought he was offering you the moon (with the offer of marriage). When you don't react in your usual way, you are sending the message very loudly that you mean business. He'll either get on board with your thinking or he won't. It's HIS decision. The feelings he expressed to you are HIS feelings. You don't have to take possession of them.
And the whole "put down the bible" statement was pure manipulation. He is trying to make you responsible for HIS recovery. You're not.
Remain calm and continue to speak your truth quietly and clearly.
gentle hugs
He knows that you are a kind and caring person. He knows exactly how to get under your skin. You expressed your position very clearly in your letter. He didn't want to hear it. He thought he was offering you the moon (with the offer of marriage). When you don't react in your usual way, you are sending the message very loudly that you mean business. He'll either get on board with your thinking or he won't. It's HIS decision. The feelings he expressed to you are HIS feelings. You don't have to take possession of them.
And the whole "put down the bible" statement was pure manipulation. He is trying to make you responsible for HIS recovery. You're not.
Remain calm and continue to speak your truth quietly and clearly.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow, well this is the tough stuff (((SoConfused)))--
This IS a test of your recovery skills.
"This just makes me want to run back to his side and give him a big hug." For what purpose? To make yourself feel less guilty? Or because you think it will help him?
Play the tape all the way through.
Did your good lovin' in the past ever help him or change him?
Did appeasing HIM in the past when he manipulated you ever do YOU any good?
Re read all the posts you got about this! Wise words all. If you are lost and confused just follow directions for a little while until your head clears.
If you need justification to stop feeling guilty you said it perfectly yourself:
I mean deep down what I would really love to say to him is, do you know how many times you've torn my heart out?
Deep breaths!
Peace,
B.
This IS a test of your recovery skills.
"This just makes me want to run back to his side and give him a big hug." For what purpose? To make yourself feel less guilty? Or because you think it will help him?
Play the tape all the way through.
Did your good lovin' in the past ever help him or change him?
Did appeasing HIM in the past when he manipulated you ever do YOU any good?
Re read all the posts you got about this! Wise words all. If you are lost and confused just follow directions for a little while until your head clears.
If you need justification to stop feeling guilty you said it perfectly yourself:
I mean deep down what I would really love to say to him is, do you know how many times you've torn my heart out?
Deep breaths!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
They always know the right things to say huh?
Guilt is my major flaw. It always trips me up, but then it helps somewhat to remind myself "did he ever feel guilty for how he treated me?"
Wishing you lots of strength. x x x
Guilt is my major flaw. It always trips me up, but then it helps somewhat to remind myself "did he ever feel guilty for how he treated me?"
Wishing you lots of strength. x x x
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
"This just makes me want to run back to his side and give him a big hug." For what purpose? To make yourself feel less guilty? Or because you think it will help him?
Did your good lovin' in the past ever help him or change him?
Did appeasing HIM in the past when he manipulated you ever do YOU any good?
Did appeasing HIM in the past when he manipulated you ever do YOU any good?
Thank you guys bunches for the reponses, it is EXACTLY what I NEEDED to hear today, to keep me moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Syracuse NY
Posts: 32
Just my simlpe opinion, I think one reason letters are a great way to communicate is because we have the ability to say what we want and yet reflect back to ensure we said it the right way we intended. From reading his to you, I think he missed the point of your letter.
You never told him you din't want a future together, just that you needed to be reassured he has and will continue to take his recovery sreiously. This is a very long process, and I'm assuming he's still in the early days of recovery. My AW left rehab wanting to fix things as fast as she could. After a few weeks she began to understand it wasn't going anywhere and slow and steady isn't so bad.
Hold your ground, there are sooo many hills and valeys ahead. This is one of those boundries that has been set and must be understood. You might suggest he talk about this with a councilor or in a group before you see him.
Good Luck!!!!
You never told him you din't want a future together, just that you needed to be reassured he has and will continue to take his recovery sreiously. This is a very long process, and I'm assuming he's still in the early days of recovery. My AW left rehab wanting to fix things as fast as she could. After a few weeks she began to understand it wasn't going anywhere and slow and steady isn't so bad.
Hold your ground, there are sooo many hills and valeys ahead. This is one of those boundries that has been set and must be understood. You might suggest he talk about this with a councilor or in a group before you see him.
Good Luck!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 22
Hang in there hon and stay strong , I know its tuff though !
Mine has the same way of making me feel sorry for him as well. I have a big heart and dont like to hurt anyone. But like you said does he not realize all the times he has hurt you as well. For some reason they just cant seem to see that. Guess you can say that's denial and someone who is self centered as well.... Dont let him turn this around on you !
Wishing you the best !
*Hugs*
Mine has the same way of making me feel sorry for him as well. I have a big heart and dont like to hurt anyone. But like you said does he not realize all the times he has hurt you as well. For some reason they just cant seem to see that. Guess you can say that's denial and someone who is self centered as well.... Dont let him turn this around on you !
Wishing you the best !
*Hugs*
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
I can't stand to hurt people or make people feel sad.
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
how the heck can I make him understand?
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
This is so hard!!!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by SugarLily
...Guilt is my major flaw...
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
Posts: 130
I've had this response too. I won't speak on the phone as it will be manipulative sweet talk or all my fault. It does hurt, take some solace that many people here have been where you are and come out the other side.
You've probably been hurt many times over yet dealt with it, he gets upset once and his lifes over.
I'm in a similar place to you at the moment, AB had 8 weeks of residential rehab paid for by his company, I was so hopefull, he was saying all the right things but the actions didn't match. 6 weeks out he's as bad as he was when he went in.
I called it a day yesterday morning. I'm trying to stay strong and keep busy. He's chosen his path and nothing I do can change that, I've chosen mine and don't want to be arround for the ride.
Be kind to yourself X
You've probably been hurt many times over yet dealt with it, he gets upset once and his lifes over.
I'm in a similar place to you at the moment, AB had 8 weeks of residential rehab paid for by his company, I was so hopefull, he was saying all the right things but the actions didn't match. 6 weeks out he's as bad as he was when he went in.
I called it a day yesterday morning. I'm trying to stay strong and keep busy. He's chosen his path and nothing I do can change that, I've chosen mine and don't want to be arround for the ride.
Be kind to yourself X
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