kittycat1164

My husband is the alcoholic. And my family is falling apart. My two girls (14 and 16) are feeling the effects of my stress and his distance. He's functioning...but he *is* a heavy drinker ("It's only beer--I'm fine") OK, whatever. I'll be lurking for awhile, I don't open up and talk about my feeling well, but I feel like my head is going to explode and I cry at the stupidest things. I just took that Al-anon self test....I answered yes to 16 questions. Part of me says I'm overreacting because he's NOT an ugly drunk. He does NOT get abusive, or mean, or anything like that--- and never has, he just drinks all the freakin time. I don't know why he can't be sober around us.... and he gets depressed when he drinks. He goes off by himself and doesn't interact - and then I feel bad cuz I'm glad he goes away. GAWD how do people survive this? My emotions are toast! Thank you for listening... I need help.

Barbara52

Welcome! You've come to a great place for help and support.

You might want to look into AlAnon meetings in your area. THey have been very helpful for so many in here.

Read and keep posting. We are here for you.

kittycat1164

I went to a meeting-- and came away feeling selfish since I wasn't in a "bad situation" I can't set myself up again to be judged like that. I know there are lots of meeting and lots of types, but I'm too gun shy now...that's why I'm here....

Barbara52

Well, I've never been to a meeting so I certainly am not one to push for going to them. I found my path to my personal recovery here, through reading books on codependency and a few sessions of indiidual therapy.

I too had a AH who "wasn't that bad." I found I could not tolerate living with a man who needed his alcohol more than he needed me and the rest of life.

The bottom line is if your AH's drinking causes a problem in your lives, then its a problem. Doesn't matter what he drinks.

Its also important to remember that you are not responsible for his drinking. You didn't cause it, can't change it and can't cure it. Only he can do that if he chooses to do so. All you can do is work on yourself and move toward a healthier life for you and your children.

The next questions are what do you want for your life? What are you willing to do to change your life.

Angelus

That was my dad too. When I went to meetings I felt weird because the drinking and problems weren't as overt and violent as anyone else. But he was in and out of hospitals and rehab when I was a kid and finally died from it, and I'm recovering to this day, every minute.

Keep coming here and going to meetings

prodigal

He can't be sober around you or anyone else because he's an alcoholic. You're taking it personally that he cannot be sober around you. It doesn't matter if it's you, his parents, his siblings, or the Queen of England. His drinking has nothing to do with you. It's about him; thus, the isolation. He wants to be left alone with the booze. You do not factor into the equation.

THAT was the "ah-ha!" moment for me that gave me the freedom to detach without anger; IT DID NOT HAVE A STINKIN' THING TO DO WITH ME.

You don't need to feel bad when he goes away. He doesn't want you or anyone else interefering with his love affair with the bottle. He wants to zone out.

Help can be found in Al-Anon, on this board, through a good counselor, and through reading about alcoholism and codependency.

Welcome. Please read the stickies at the top of the forum and keep posting. We're here to offer support in any way we can.

Lacy

Hi kittycat and welcome to the forum. Glad you decided to reach out for help this place is full of a lot great people that can understand what your going through.


Your situation sounds a lot like mine. Mine is the same about getting depressed when he drinks as well. Your husband may be suffering from depression and is using the alcohol to try to cope. But all its really doing is making the matter worse. Just a thought of what may be the problem.

*hugs*

Rella927

Welcome again to SR kitty! Glad you made your way over here!

Maybe checking out an Al-Anon meeting or two would not hurt. It has been a great support to me-I have learned a lot through Al-Anon, SR and counseling.

We cannot change those who are suffering with this disease let alone change someone who is not-but, what we can do is learn how to change only ourselves. I know that it is easier said than done at this moment however try not to take the blame for something he has made a choice to do. It is not about you or anything that you have done-

As prodi stated read the stickies at the top of the forum as they are a great source of knowledge-there are some great books out there too-(There is a list in the stickies)

Glad that you are here with us!

sunshine321

The whole point in Al-Alnon is a group of people with similar circumstances that share their strength, hope, experience and no one judges you for it. No one cares if your situation is worse or better. It's not about that. It's about support and a willingness to learn and open up. Please try another meeting. I believe they ask that you come at least 6 times before you pass judgment on the program. If you aren't comfortable at one meeting, try another in a different town. Eventually you will find a meeting that you feel at home and will want to share and open up. For now, just go and enjoy the healing that takes place there. It's new and scary but one of the best things I've ever done for myself. Just give it a chance. You will find the people in program amazingly warm and caring.

Hugs
Jenny

Spiritual Seeker

The perception of what a "drunk " is or looks like keeps many alcoholics and their family from seeking help.
Go to mtgs. Make friends there that you can be open with , honest with, expressive, and relate to. If your husband won't seek recovery YOU can. YOU can learn to make healthy choice for you & your kids. This is a family disease. If only YOU get healthy, your kids will still benefit greatly.
Living in the chaos, anxiety and lonlienss with an addict can be unbearable. You will get to your own bottom and want change. Best wishes to you as you figure out what changes YOU can and will make.

RosieM

Hi, kittycat. So glad you are here. I tend to lurk myself and find so much support and wisdom from this group. In my experience, it is a progressive disease. It gets worse as the years go on. You may not be ready to make any big changes just yet, but if the time comes, you will probably know it. Just don't fall into that "frog in the boiling pot of water" situation, which is what I think I did. It just kept getting worse and worse but so gradually that I didn't realize how bad it was until something really drastic happened. (Kind of like the frog that sits in gradually heating up water until it gets so hot it boils him to death - in case you didn't get my drift!!)

Anyhow, welcome. We are a group banded together by sadly shared experience, but there is light at the end of the tunnel - at least that's what everybody tells me!! And I'm pretty sure I'm starting to see a glimmer here and there. R.

kittycat1164

Thank you. Every post I'm devouring.

Pick-a-name

I thought that,too..........the first time I went to a few meetings years ago. Things got better for awhile (all his effort went into starting a business,and so did our $). Fast-forward 10-15y (he is still able to "control" his drinking in public,via a few tricks or often NOT drinking until he is safely at home). The drinking has increased,the depression,the isolation, the moods.....he started getting mean and then up and left and recently divorced me (I'm not as "fun" and "exciting" after 30yrs and two children)......

Basically, he told the kids and I that he was never going to stop drinking because "he doesn't have a problem" or "WE make him drink,so he has to live elsewhere! blah,blah,blah.......

Glad you found us and hope you stick around (and post,too). You help others when you post,even when you do not realize it. Actually, this post of yours reminded me of some things that I had forgotten,so "thanks"!

Take care of you (and your kids).
hugs

p.s.Reading helped/helps me a LOT!! Two favorites of mine are "Getting Them Sober" (Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for preview chapters) and
"Under the Influence".

LostGuy

I was totally the frog in the pot of water Rosie talks about. I remember telling my stbxaw that I would never marry her if she was actively drinking, because I knew she had a problem. But she was functioning, and it didn't seem that bad, and I loved her. I didn't truly understand the progressive nature of the disease. If your gut says his drinking is a problem for you and your kids, then I don't think you are overreacting by recognizing that, no matter how his actions stack up in comparison to others. In retrospect, I wish I had paid more attention to my gut when things "weren't that bad" in the beginning.

wraybear

Kitty, wow, your story sounds like mine did. Almost word for word. Even the two teen daughters. However, once I stepped out of it, I realized how insane and abnormal my life had become. My husband, after 25 years of drinking, got to a point where he was drinking morning, noon and night. And, yes isolating himself - very depressed. He ended up almost dying three different times as a direct result of his alcoholism. Nice, funny, charming, very smart, but the alcohol nearly killed him and almost killed our two little girls in near tragic car accident. So, don't ever think you are overreacting. This is serious stuff.

One of the first books I read was titled THE BOOZE BATTLE by Ruth Maxwell, and oldie but a goodie. This will help you comprehend how ill he, and the rest of the family have become becuase of his disease.

You say your emotions are toast! at least you still have some... I got to a point after being on the rollercoaster so long, that I then had NO EMOTIONS. it was terrible!

Good news is, you and your girls can have happy, content, productive lives! But it will take some investigation into the affects of alcoholism! READ READ READ, get educated and God Bless you and your girls.

Kindeyes

Just being able to say those words is a beginning.

Just reaching out and saying "I need help" is a great start.

Just having the courage to go to your first Alanon meeting is the beginning of your own recovery.

Alcoholism affects every member of the family. There is no doubt in my mind that your daughters are very affected by the disease and your husband's behavior. They see how it affects you.

There are so many good books to read to begin your education process. Start by reading. You will have so many aha moments as the books explain the disease, how it begins, and unfortunately how it progresses.

Recovery is not exclusive to the alcoholic. The people involved with them need to recover too. Keep coming back.

gentle hugs

NeedHappiness

I went to my first AL Anon meetin last Friday and it went well. I must admit, though, I also felt like my problem was not as bad as some of the other stories I heard of abuse, accidents, etc. My ABF is one of those "happy drunks". He isn't mean, violent or anything like that. He just makes stupid decisions and repeats himself over and over and over AND OVER!!!!!!!!! I get to the point I want to tell him to shut his mouth up. THat's putting it nicely. He never remembers his actions from the night before and sometimes looks at me like I am either lying or exagerating the situation. That really makes me sad because he doesn't seem to "get-it".
After my meeting I honestly felt like it wasn't going to help me. I also felt VERY angry that I should even HAVE to go to a meeting to feel better. I am certainly not in denial of my ABF's disease but it infuriates me that I AM THE ONE seeking help, when in fact, HE IS THE PROBLEM!! yeah, I know, his alcoholism is a family disease and is affecting me too and I need to do whatever it takes to take care of ME. It still makes me mad though. I guess this is normal reactions and feelings?
In my heart, I know this relationship is not going to last. I just keep putting off the breakup because I feel so badly for him that he can't seem to get it together! I keep hoping he will finally see the light. I am learning that that will most likely not happen. I'll never forget the day that I told him, point blank, that he is an alcoholic. He mocked me and laughed at what I had said yet he knew in his own mind that I was right. He is in denial and says he likes the taste of beer. He drinks (chugs) to get drunk, not to ENJOY the taste of anything!

I pray for the day that I am strong enough to say goodbye. I know that is when my healing will really move forward. Until then, I will visit this board regularly and read as much as I can to try and understand what is happening to him. The emotional part of this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. One minute I hate him and his disease and the next minute I want to scoop him up and try and make everything better. Neither one is healthy for ME.

Barbara52

Yes, that is a normal reaction at first. For many its part of denial though. Denial of one's own part in the problem, denial of one's own issues that have led to whatever the situation is.

For me, when I broke through the denial I started understanding where I made mistakes in the relationship, where I enabled and supported my AH in his alcoholism, where I had been ignoring my own issues of codependency and being an ACOA. I have come to thank God for having put me in a position where I can now learn and grow because of my marriage to my AH because I may not have learned or grew this way without that marriage.

Bookworm88

Kittycat -
It sounds like your life is a lot like mine (I have two sons 16 and 20, been married 21 years, AH only drinks beer, he gets depressed when drinking, isn't violent and functions at work just fine) so I can understand what you are going though. I have not yet tried an Alanon meeting but I will eventually. I'm not sure how others survive this but I am taking it one day at a time and trying to work on my own issues.

Currently I am seeing a counselor. She has been a big help in getting me to see how I can focus on me and helping myself. The next opportunity I get, when my 15 year old is not home, I plan to have a serious talk with my AH. I cannot keep this inside any longer and I refuse to pretend I don't feel this way. I am going to tell him honestly about how I am feeling and what my boundaries are. These are just small boundaries to start but I will tell him that there will be more to come when I decide what is right for me.

Someone here suggested the book "Under the Influence - A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism", which I am currently reading. It is scary how I can see my AH progressing through the stages listed in the book - from the early stage, now to the middle stage, and what will happen in the deteriorative stage if he doesn't get into recovery. If you can get this book I think it may help, along with books about codependence.

Keep coming back here too. I may not post much but I read the forums here as often as I can. It helps me to know I am not the only one going through this. I take strength from others when I am having a bad day.

loner1968

this is the best place to open up your feelings. I'm bad at it too but have found that people here really understand more than I ever thought anyone in "real life" could. I love it here. Its like having a support group sitting in my living room all the time.