Lilyflower

Hey Kitty, I have never been to an al-anon meeting. If you are not comfortable going there are other ways to heal your self.

I have had therapy and I like the web sites

Abundant Spirituality + codependency recovery + inner child healing = Joy2MeU and

Inner Bonding: Relationship Help, Relationship Advice, Spiritual Growth, Parenting Advice, Healthy Living

both have helped me to understand how I can make positive changes in my life and how to begin the healing process within myself.

You may find that as you change, the dynamics in your family will change too. Try to do as much fun things for yourself and your children and not to neglect them because you are feeling low - I did this with my daughter. Now i realise that my focus should have been on us all the time and not on him.

Welcome

lily xxxxxxxxxxx

kittycat1164

I want you all to know that I am reading everything you've shared, and I want desperately to write and tell you all my whole long story and get support for the decisions I've made, but I'm either here at work or at home. When I'm at work, I can't think of home and my life there. I've gotten extremely good at compartmentalizing. and when I'm home I don't have the time alone without my girls -- I will not break down in front of them. Someday I'll have an hour to write what I need, but until then please know that I read everything and know that somewhere there is help. I have to go now--- my two worlds are colliding and I can't let that happen. Take care and know I love you all......though I know none of you really...........
Kitty

Bernadette

Heya kittycat-
welcome!
I wouldn't advocate breaking down in a messy scary way in front of your girls, but I hope you are sharing some of your REALITY with them. Including your own struggles with all the issues alcoholism brings to your family life. Have you called it what it is with them: alcoholism?

Secrecy and shame are like the bread and butter of alcoholic families and can be lifetime afflictions to overcome for children of alcoholics, These powerful feelings can interfere with healthy relationships, self-evaluation, self-esteem, asking for and receiving help, etc. Especially with teenagers who are so hip to hipocrasy it is very healthy to have honest conversations with them about what is really going on.

My mother lived in a fortress of denial about how our father's alcoholism was affecting each and every one of us. 5 kids, all of us were DEEPLY affected. I just wish she had talked honestly to us, just once, it would have spared me a lot of painful searching and suffering for sure!

Good luck and courage in your journey of life! And don't give up on AlAnon until you've tried a few meetings - it's a very logical and time-tested program for dealing with this very issue! Why would you say you cannot set yourself up to be judged??? No one judges at meetings. If they do they should be called on it or you should find another group. Our details may differ, our horror stories may vary - but the family of an alcoholic has MUCH more in common with the next family of an alcoholic than not. If not AlAnon keep reaching out for some kind of local help (therapy?). Seeking and accepting help leads to good changes!
Peace,
B.

kittycat1164

I call a spade a spade at home -to the girls but especially to my AH. When he says he falls asleep on the couch, I correct him "you mean passed out" and when I speak privately to my girls, he is the alcoholic and it is a disease. He is not the man I married, nor is he the father he meant to be. I tell them maybe someday he can become that man again, but right now he's sick. I've tried to show them that some of their behavior is because of the world in which they live. My youngest *has* to have her room perfectly clean. Almost OCD-ish, and I tried to explain to her that it was her minds way of dealing with the chaos of her father's alcoholism. She flat out looked at me (at 14) and said "um sorry to tell you this mom, but I'm not that deep. I just want my room clean." LOL you gotta take the chuckles when you can, I guess.

FormerDoormat

Alanon and SR helped me realize that I was the problem.

I visit this forum to understand what happened to ME. My problems had NOTHING to do with my former alcoholic boyfriend. But they had everything to do with me, my low self esteem, and the choices I'd made.

Alanon and the Friends and Family forum are all about me--not the alcoholic--because I was the root of my problems, so the solution had to come from me.

angelfromheaven

Hi Kittycat,
just thought, perhaps it would be good for your girls to go to Alateen. They may not know or just pretend not to be affected and this may help them.....

Wishing you and them a good life - You deserve it!