bookwyrm

So I had a talk with my AH last night - while he was sober and I feel so sick, tired and confused.

Over the weekend he announced we were through (drunk, as usual and this was the third or fourth time in as many weeks). So I agreed. I suggested separating our finances (I'm in control of them right now - he gets 'beer money' each week which I really resent) fixing everything around the house that needs done and putting it on the market. This will take a few months. We were done but I don't hate him - no blame, its a disease and he needs to work on HIM. In the meantime we could be like roomies.

Yeah, he started back-tracking through the week. He went to his counsellor and asked about couples therapy - something I had wanted us to do months ago. I've been trying to stick to my guns but I refuse to speak to him when he's been drinking so last night was my first chance.

He's confused and doesn't know what he wants - or so he says. I have a horrible feeling that money is his main concern, closely followed by having to do his own washing, cooking etc. Right now I do all of it, while working full time - no wonder I'm knackered! He laughed when I asked him 'what's in this for me' and I was looking at the 'drunk' guy he turns into but he was sober!! Told me it was the stupidest thing I had said so far. That got me angry but I didn't show it...I think....

Then he started on about how low he feels, how suicidal he is and that he is in a dark place just now. I'm supposed to hang about and wait for him to get better.

My home life is hell right now. It used to be OK (ish) when he was a functioning alcoholic but that changed dramatically and I spend most nights 'hiding' in other rooms.

I'm conflicted. Do I want to try couples therapy when I'm half convinced he doesn't love me and is only using me? Would it help us separate? I feel like I'm kicking a puppy when its down...I feel really bad for him. I miss the man he used to be but even if he came back, things couldn't be the way they were - my eyes are (slowly and painfully) opened. I feel physically sick because of the guilt and indecision.

Thanks for letting me unload.

best

Couples therapy with no promises of getting back together.
The things you can gain from such classes can help you later, no matter what path you take.
If you go, go with boundaries in place. There will be no guarantees and he should be told so and reminded of that as needed.
Go for you.

SugarLily

I am struggling with the same feelings bookwyrm, because of that I can't advise but I can say I totally understand.

((((hugs))))

Put your feelings and needs first above everything else. x x

bookwyrm

Thanks Best. Guess I have nothing to lose!

best

Who's guilt?
You shouldn't be carrying any...it is his issues.
Don't carry his guilt.
As for indecision... When in doubt...do nothing.

So you should not harbor any guilt for doing what is smart either.