i4getsm

A few weeks back, we discussed what do we deserve? This is my list.

1) Honest/Trustworthy
2) Hardworking (aka not lazy)
3) Easy-going
4) Respectful
5) Romantic

Dealbreakers for me are the opposites of these things:
1) lies/cheats at games
2) doesn't work/is lazy
3) is very rigid/ not open to change
4) is disrespectful
5) isn't gentle with me or doesn't think I'm special
And to add to that list...
6) Cleanliness
7) Addictive personality
8) Doesn't love kids
9) Disrespects me or my children or anyone else for that matter
10) Thinks he is right about everything/doesn't have the desire to learn

I carry my list of 5 must-haves in my wallet now to remind myself of what I want in my life!

LaTeeDa

Bump!

milenafk2009

My Grandma always used to say "do unto others as you'd have done to you" AND, in the converse, "ALLOW others to treat you ONLY as you'd treat others" and finally "people will treat you how you let them, so ONLY let them treat you with love and respect, and accept nothing less."

I guess those words have dictated my "dealbreaker list" kind-of like a "dealbreaker maxim" or general dealbreaker rule, the specifics always followed from it. I'd ask myself (and still do) would I ever treat anyone I love that way? If the answer was no, well, I won't let someone do that to me.

My XAbf once told me (while drunk) "I know I may cause you hurt but I'll never cheat on you or hit you, I promise that and I know that's what women want". He said this as if somehow that made him a "catch" SHEESH!!!

My response was, "Umm, damn skippy you won't, but if that's the BEST you have to offer, well, that ain't NEARLY enough to keep me around!!"

TakingCharge999

Being superficial and care a lot about The Look, The Car, The Place, The Music and every little detail...

Perfectionism.
Lack of spiritual involvement.
Lack of interest on the arts, music, theater, non-mainstream movies, museums, travel, LIFE!!
Taking advantage. Of anything or anyone.
Inability to look at himself with honesty, honesty and MORE HONESTY as they say in AA!
Show-offs are... officially out...

Thanks for the bump!

ChangeIsHard

Sor me, someone who doesn't ask me 'little questions' about my life/day. It indicates a huge amount of self centredness.

tallulah

Other than love, I suppose there is one thing I would want now.

Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship.

GiveLove

I find respect and integrity not only a dealbreaker (or a must-have), but also very sexy

The person who turns his back on all the worldly temptations to be disrespectful and dishonest is usually a pretty courageous person inside, and that's definitely attractive to me.

kj3880

I remember when I was breaking up with my last b/f he tried to talk me out of it and I said to him "Why exactly would any woman, not just me, want to be with you? You are lazy, perpetually jobless, and broke, messy, selfish, and pushy. You don't respect my privacy or boundaries, and I resent you taking my kindness as a weakness."

His answer: "Because I'm a good dude! You regret this." Well, he wasn't and I haven't. Not one little bit!

loobylue

Yes, this is one I added to my list recently too, we had been away for a weekend and I asked him if he had enjoyed himself (he really had, but he just couldn't bring himself to commit to 'enjoyed' and settled for an 'was ok'), and he never returned the question to me, I assume this was because it didn't matter to him whether I had or not, and like you say, it is very self centred.

Something else I have added is misogony, I feel very foolish that initially I was flattered that I was the only woman he seemed to like (I was 16 in my defense), he told me I was the only woman he found funny and who he wanted to be around, this fact sends a shiver down my spine now.

Oh, and of course every other deal breaker on these pages!

isitme

I'll be back to comment further.. but I would like to initally add to the ongoing list.

Gambling..
To centered on Money and Material things..
Inturupting and not listening..
And.. for anyone who's read Too good to Leave Too Bad to stay..
OFF THE TABLE IT IS!! HUGE DEAL BREAKER..

Ago

Interesting Thread

The last time I did a fourth step, it asked me to come up with a relationship "Ideal"

My "ideal" was "Don't hurt anyone"

I ended up being harmful (by trying not to hurt others, I didn't "state my truth" or "enforce my boundaries" forcefully enough), that ideal triggered and set into motion my issues which ultimately lead me here.

My "ideal" now is "To Thine Own Self Be True" (and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.)

So now my "deal breakers" are interior if that makes sense.

If something goes against my personal sense of integrity I have to go.

period.

No more "controlling" them, or their actions, or setting up a set of "exterior" rules of behaviors, but rather a set of interior boundaries for me that are "non-negotiable".

What I'm trying to explain is a subtle difference, I hope it's clear.

I mean "No Lying" or "Cheating" are in there, but ultimately it's about being with someone who has enough personal integrity to have those be "extreme" examples of behavior I won't tolerate in my life, nor in theirs.

I guess I'm trying to explain that by making better choices, that with the right choice, with the right person, I don't need to have a list of "deal breakers", because they are innate with the person I have chosen to spend my life with, by choosing the right person, I don't even NEED to have a list of "deal breakers".

I have had that experience in a long term relationship in the past, and it appears I am having that in the relationship I am in now, so by no means am I being unrealistic.

When I pick someone with integrity, I don't need to "Lay down the Law" about integrity or "deal breakers" for example. It's not that I don't have them, it's that I don't need them, I have "bottom lines" but not "deal breakers" if that makes sense, as a "bottom line" is interior, and a "deal breaker" is exterior.

LaTeeDa

I think I get what you are trying to say, Ago. And I must agree that these are all values I hold, not a list that I give to someone to say "if you ever do any of these things, it's over." LOL

What brought up the topic for me was 1) I never really thought about what I was willing to live with or not and 2) like the frog in the pot, things got bad in such small subtle ways over nearly 20 years that I ended up accepting things I would never even have considered accepting 20 years earlier.

So, I started this thread because I finally had some clarity over what I could accept in a relationship, and what I could not. Things that are non-negotiable, not differences that can be compromised. (which was, I think, how I looked at too many things in my marriage--that with enough love, anything can be worked out. It can't.)

And, I agree that having this clarity and self-worth prevents me from chosing a partner who doesn't respect me. But, people do change, and I can say with certainty that when I married my husband in 1988, none of the dealbreakers existed. They evolved slowly over many years. I just didn't have the clarity to know they were dealbreakers at the time.

L

Ago

That's where it gets tricky, is when I have "drawn a line in the sand" and said, "this I will never tolerate" and crossed it...once I cross that line there seems to be no going back for me, I just keep moving that line until "the water is boiling"

Thanks for replying, I feel this is an important thread, like the "What is normal to you" thread

LaTeeDa

I agree. It's not just about knowing what is unacceptable, it's about valuing yourself enough to actually not accept it.

L

kj3880

This thread has really given me a lot to think about. I guess I now have to admit that I've always known what was acceptable. My mother was treasured, respected, loved, and treated like a queen by my wonderful dad. So I have to realize that somewhere along the line I stopped being picky.

I've done a lot of work with my sponsor on this and I've come to realize that in most instances I've been pulled into relationships that I did not want to be in. I actually allowed men to dope-fiend me into relationships because I couldn't stand up for myself enough to say "No." No thanks. I don't want to go out. I don't want to hang out. I don't want you to come over. I don't want to do a second date. Don't call me any more. This isn't working out for me, so we have to break up.

I don't know how to stop men from bulldozing me once something has started. I hate to hurt anyones' feelings. Why is it so important to me that everyone has to think I'm nice. Why have I wasted so many years with inappropriate men? Why was I such a push-over? I'm so mad at myself right now.

KJ

itisatruth

Glad others have touched on this...for me it wasn't that I didn't have deal breakers, it was that I didn't enforce the ones I had. I gave another chance, and another, and another...etc.

Now I'm getting better at saying what I mean and sticking to it and enforcing boundaries. Finally.

I'm still married (separated), so this is mostly speculation, but I've been spending a lot of time with friends, sometimes going to dinner or out dancing. In the process I'm running across an entirely different crowd of people than I'm used to. I find myself looking at the kind of guy I would have been attracted to 20 years ago and saying "Yuck". I feel pretty good about that. For me, I really would need to look for those red flags up front -- check for those deal breakers before going any further or getting too involved.

orviske

I am sure I have a long list of dealbreakers, but here is the one that got me to leave my XABF, hitting my codie bottom.

Driving drunk, swerving all over the road with your 7 month pregnant girlfriend in the passenger seat---making a call to your drug dealer with the last $20 we have.

Jadmack25

I didn't realise the water was getting hotter until I noticed the carrots, potato, onions and other vegies in there with me. Suddenly I understood I was in the stewpot and I was the meat. Finally I jumped in time.

Still with abf, but with big changes in attitude and have my self respect back again. He is in recovery and sober since mid November, but I am not living as I was, which was me reacting to his behavior.
I am living in the same seniors complex as him, we share meals often, go shopping and enjoy our horse racing and bets, but no longer live in each other's pocket.
It also helps to know that if he hits the booze and goes back to banging on my door, calling me names as he did when I lived elsewhere, He will be evicted from his home and would find it very hard to get another one. He knows this and it is another reason for him to stay sober, as this time he could lose out big time, losing me and his home.

God bless

LaTeeDa

Bump for jehnifer.

Gypsy Feet

Mine has grown as well. I agree with almost everything on peoples lists and add

laziness/apathy
poor communication skills
overly introverted
no interests or hobbies
inability to make decisions

I think all of these things actually appealed to the old me. I was able to do everything for this kind of person, who could not do for themselves!