vrb

Dealbreakers: Mine are like most others but I think they are worth stating
and a few new twists

1. Lying
2. Lying by omission (I REALLY hate this!)
3. Emotional distancing
4. Inability to communicate feelings and unwillingness to work on this
5. DISRESPECTING me or others
6. Stubborness- Their way is the only way
7. Inability to negotiate - especially about emotional needs
8. Reacting in Anger to most things
9. Always being Self Centered

Wow, it feels good to get this out. Amazing how this list grows
Shows how we have grown to decide what we NEED for ourselves

So now that we have written these how do we ensure we push for these in our next /current relationships?

Too often I have found I (and others) ignore these needs until too many have been broken. I have often found you "want to give them the benefit of the doubt" (in some cases).

So when is enough enough?
Some are obvious but some, well someone had a bad day - they owned up and discussed with you and actually do try harder in a concrete active way.


Seems to me we often see the tally of the deal breakers and then its obvious (OK we have to see our denial first). The retrospect-oscope has 20-20 vision

How have others dealt with this?

Does experience mean you act more quickly when a deal breaker is reached?

Are some more important than others? Do some need to be transgressed frequently before there is a hard stop???

Our vision is fuzzy when we're in "it" How do we see more clearly in those moments?? As I said the Retrospect-oscope has 20-20 vision.


V

LaTeeDa

For me personally, this is one of the biggest reasons, if not THE biggest for taking it ssslllooowww. If someone treats me with disrespect after only a handful of dates, I don't believe that it's going to get better over time. People are on their best behavior in the beginning, so if there is any indication early, I would probably run for the hills. Best not to even go down that road, if you know what I mean.

L

Wascally Wabbit

Oh, this is great!
My list has grown so long I doubt a man would look twice at me!! LOL!

Mainly, my deal breaker is if he is unable/unwilling to support himself.

Lilyflower

Thanks LTD, I will check out that web site. I do have a therapist. As I am in the UK, I have gone through our National Health Service for a therapist as it is free. However, its a long process with finding the right person. I have had three or four appointments with the therapist in my local doctors surgery, and she has recently told me that she would like to refer me to a psychotherapist at the city hospital who is more specialised. I may have to wait some months for an appointment with them. In the meantime, the therapist I have is helping me deal with anger, anxiety and breaking my depressive cycle. Its a case of being patient and working on what I can until then, so I'm really thankful for this link!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxx

Blondie

My list of deal breakers is very, very long. I got to thinking about them and realized that if I met my AH today for the first time, I wouldn't even give him a second look, let alone date him. I don't hate him, I have just grown so much in the past few years and he has stayed stuck.

FormerDoormat

The way I see it, the purpose of this deal breaker posting was three-fold:

(1) It helped me identify and clearly define my deal breakers.

(2) Being that the collective list is based on our past experiences, it clearly shows how much BS I tolerated in my previous relationships.

(3) It serves as a reminder that if I don't keep my co-dependent tendencies in check, that I can easily slip down that slippery slope again.

hezzie

Lying
Cheating
Alcohol/Drugs
Manipulation
Lack of Ambition
BiPolar disorder
Not being involved with the kids

These would all be deal breakers for me. My AH is very handsome and funny, but I would rather have someone without the above "qualities" and not so great to look at and he could even be boring.

RosieM

I used to think infidelity and physical abuse. Infidelity with another woman, that is. But the thing with the bottle is a form of infidelity, it's really very similar. Lying, sneaking around, drinking and driving, broken promises - those are all things I never even considered would be an issue with someone I chose to spend my life with. How it got to this point I'll never be able to understand. But in the clear cold light of day, it's obvious to me that I can't be intimate in any way with a man who does that stuff. He still doesn't get it.

GiveLove

Barbara Winter said once that some scientific dude speculated that there are 250 possible mates for us out there somewhere - people with whom we are compatible and would make an excellent marriage partner.

Assuming that's true (which I don't really believe) why only 250? Why not 2,500,000? Because of our deal-breakers, which are unique to us.

Mine all revolve around respect and integrity:
--No lying.
--No treating me, or other humans, or animals, like dirt. No verbal, physical, or emotional abuse, in other words.
--No infidelity (see "lying" above)
--No self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, work, etc.
--No sponging off me or their family or friends
--No urine or feces (of any species) on the carpet

Wait, where did that last one come from?

The world would be a happier place if people were just willing to risk being "un-coupled" rather than putting up with their dealbreakers. We're so terrified of being alone that we're willing to stay in the most abusive, dirty, soul-sucking situations......

denny57

I've never been terrified to be alone.

GiveLove

Undoubtedly there are exceptions.

I believe, unfortunately, that you are in the minority, sad as that is. We are conditioned from the get-go to feel abnormal, freakish, and unsafe if we're not coupled. Lots of what we call "love" is the fear that we'll never again find a romantic partner......so many of us (myself included) stick around even when we're treated with an extreme amount of disrespect and even abuse.

denny57

I guess I've just learned to speak in the "I." It's helped enormously in my growth.

GiveLove

Thanks for that. I respect your choice to communicate here exclusively in that way; it is always refreshing.

Pajarito

Hi all- back after a long week off and catching up. My 2-cents- I am finding my deal breakers are pretty much in line with most of the ones mentioned here. And yes, when I got married my only deal breaker was infidelity. Fast forward 12 years and here I am dealing with an AH who had at least 2 emotional affairs, was lazy, lied, hid things, immature, irresponsible, verbally/emotionally abusive. . . How did I get here? None of that is acceptable now.

All of what I don't want got me thinking about what I DO want- eventually- maybe. I just read an article in a recent Oprah magazine that was interesting- I think it was by Martha Beck. She wrote about putting what we want down on a list and "sending it out into the universe" (I am thinking writing it down makes it more real.) So, what do we WANT in a partner? List everything. The trick is not getting caught up in the shallow stuff- like money. I am in no way ready to make such a list, but when I am I will be thinking long and hard about what I would want in a partner- IF/WHEN I am ever ready. Right now I want to be comfortable being alone. Good thread LTD.

LaTeeDa

An even better excercise than "sending it out into the universe," is to use it as a goal list or guide for your own recovery. I remember someone suggesting that to me a couple years ago. Make a list of everything you want in a partner, then set out to BECOME that person. Makes perfect sense. Like attracts like. And I can tell you that it definitely works.

L

Pajarito

Love that LTD- "Like attracts like." What I'm discovering is back in my 20s I never really thought about what I wanted in a partner- I was attracted to my husband- physically, personality, etc. . . but why? Why didn't I value myself enough to notice those red flags that now would be deal breakers? I think when I cringe at the concept of being with someone else it's because it's too soon for me to think about it, but more so because I feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself. I want to learn from this experience so I can attract what I like in myself- project my healthy self out into the universe ;0) And that goes for attracting anyone into my life- romantic or just friends.

LaTeeDa

I'm bumping this up since we have several new members. I'm hoping we can add to this discussion.

L

LaTeeDa

Okay, I'll add to the list since no one else has yet.

*Attitude of Entitlement (that one really irks me!)
*Unable to make a decision (in my case, I believe this was passive-aggresive
behavior--if I made all the decisions, he could blame me for whatever he
didn't like)
*Feigned incompetence in order to get out of doing whatever (mostly chores)
*Sexism (as in women are supposed to take care of the children, but
when men do it, they are babysitting)
*Selfishness in general, but specifically in bed.

L

NYC_Chick

WOW LTD! I never looked at unable to make a decision like that. I'll have to give that some thought!

The last one was never an issue, though : )

theotherone

Thanks for bringing this back up to the present discussion...It helped back then and it helps me tremendously in what I am now going through.

Being alone and being lonely are two completely differnet things.

I forget how smart you all are! Thanks again!