ABF wants me to go to court and lie
Formerly known as soconfused11
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
ABF wants me to go to court and lie
I just got off the phone with my abf, who went to jail last Friday. For those that don't know, I am the one that called the police because he showed up drunk (we have been separated) and refused to leave. He was already on probation.
Let me give you his history in a nutshell. (since we've been together).
We started dating in May, 3 years ago. That February or March, he is arrested for drunk driving. He hit an amish buggy head on, killed the horse. He went to jail, I bailed him out. While out on bond and awaiting for court for this the other charge, he got addicted to meth. He assaulted me a few months after that. He talked me into writing letters to drop the charges. So I did, and they were dropped. So then that summer, he served time in the probation center, 4 1/2 months (for the drunk driving). He got out in November, drank the day he got out, and assaulted me again two days later after an argument about drinking. He goes to jail. This time, his mom gets him out. Again, I write letters, etc. to try and get the charges dropped, etc. While he is out on bond this time....waiting for court....he doesn't show up for probation, so he was arrested for probation violation. I got him out this time. Then he was just awaiting court again. He was sentenced to 4 1/2 months in the center, which he served last summer and got out in October. Drank pretty much a week after he was out this time. In the meantime, I have been trying hard to work on my codependency issues. So each time he screws up, I get stronger and stronger. Before he showed up last Friday, it was the longest I had made him stay gone.
So he's been really really sweet all week, when he calls. You know the usual jail talk, he's sorry, will quit drinking for sure this time (even though he's been incarcerated twice and drank the day he got out both times). So he has court tomorrow and he will be sentenced. He asked if I could go to court and tell them it was the first time he drank. I told him no, first that I can't lie for him and secondly, I have to work anyway. He immediately got upset with me after this. I told him I thought he would be better off owning up to his actions to the judge and facing this head on. He gets out of this trouble every time with just a slap on the hand. He tells me his mom even went and talked to the probation officer. He is 29 years old. I can't imagine his p.o. was very pleased about that one. She is such an enabler with him and ALWAYS covers, he can do no wrong in her eyes. Makes me sick. I am really trying to let go of the bitterness I have for this woman. She even called me last Friday and told me that she "would never forgive me". Well, I don't believe I asked for forgiveness.
But man he laid on the guilt about he could get up to a year or more for this, blah blah blah. I will NOT go and lie for him, I just wish he could be a man and own up to this. Please tell me that I am doing the right thing. Why doesn't it feel right? It feels completely wrong. I know that if he does get a year, I will be feeling guilty about that.
And I'm the stupid one that keeps taking his calls. I haven't got strong enough yet to just let it ring. This is so hard, it kills me inside because I want to help but me showing up for court I don't think is helping him at all. Plus I don't want the police thinking, ok she calls the cops and then shows up to get him out, don't they catch on to all this codependency stuff, I mean they have to see this all the time.
Sorry so long, I guess I'm just venting and needing some support to stay strong here.
I guess I feel partly to blame because I called the cops really to get back at him. I mean, I think in a way I knew I wasn't strong enough to break free and I kind of feel like God gave me the chance to be free.
:wtf2 I feel so crazy, I am crazy.....geesh. Thanks for listening.
P.S. Why are alcoholics so selfish? I mean, he is always so worried about himself, it's all him him him. And do you think that when they said they are quitting for good "this time", that they really believe that they can? Or are they just saying what we want to hear?
Let me give you his history in a nutshell. (since we've been together).
We started dating in May, 3 years ago. That February or March, he is arrested for drunk driving. He hit an amish buggy head on, killed the horse. He went to jail, I bailed him out. While out on bond and awaiting for court for this the other charge, he got addicted to meth. He assaulted me a few months after that. He talked me into writing letters to drop the charges. So I did, and they were dropped. So then that summer, he served time in the probation center, 4 1/2 months (for the drunk driving). He got out in November, drank the day he got out, and assaulted me again two days later after an argument about drinking. He goes to jail. This time, his mom gets him out. Again, I write letters, etc. to try and get the charges dropped, etc. While he is out on bond this time....waiting for court....he doesn't show up for probation, so he was arrested for probation violation. I got him out this time. Then he was just awaiting court again. He was sentenced to 4 1/2 months in the center, which he served last summer and got out in October. Drank pretty much a week after he was out this time. In the meantime, I have been trying hard to work on my codependency issues. So each time he screws up, I get stronger and stronger. Before he showed up last Friday, it was the longest I had made him stay gone.
So he's been really really sweet all week, when he calls. You know the usual jail talk, he's sorry, will quit drinking for sure this time (even though he's been incarcerated twice and drank the day he got out both times). So he has court tomorrow and he will be sentenced. He asked if I could go to court and tell them it was the first time he drank. I told him no, first that I can't lie for him and secondly, I have to work anyway. He immediately got upset with me after this. I told him I thought he would be better off owning up to his actions to the judge and facing this head on. He gets out of this trouble every time with just a slap on the hand. He tells me his mom even went and talked to the probation officer. He is 29 years old. I can't imagine his p.o. was very pleased about that one. She is such an enabler with him and ALWAYS covers, he can do no wrong in her eyes. Makes me sick. I am really trying to let go of the bitterness I have for this woman. She even called me last Friday and told me that she "would never forgive me". Well, I don't believe I asked for forgiveness.
But man he laid on the guilt about he could get up to a year or more for this, blah blah blah. I will NOT go and lie for him, I just wish he could be a man and own up to this. Please tell me that I am doing the right thing. Why doesn't it feel right? It feels completely wrong. I know that if he does get a year, I will be feeling guilty about that.
And I'm the stupid one that keeps taking his calls. I haven't got strong enough yet to just let it ring. This is so hard, it kills me inside because I want to help but me showing up for court I don't think is helping him at all. Plus I don't want the police thinking, ok she calls the cops and then shows up to get him out, don't they catch on to all this codependency stuff, I mean they have to see this all the time.
Sorry so long, I guess I'm just venting and needing some support to stay strong here.
I guess I feel partly to blame because I called the cops really to get back at him. I mean, I think in a way I knew I wasn't strong enough to break free and I kind of feel like God gave me the chance to be free.
:wtf2 I feel so crazy, I am crazy.....geesh. Thanks for listening.
P.S. Why are alcoholics so selfish? I mean, he is always so worried about himself, it's all him him him. And do you think that when they said they are quitting for good "this time", that they really believe that they can? Or are they just saying what we want to hear?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I remember feeling crazy also. There were two realizations that I had to come to in order to get sane again, and neither of them is easy.
1.) I am not responsible for another adult. The consequences he suffers are due to his choices, they are not because of me.
2.) What feels like helping is really just the opposite. By saving him from his own consequences, I made the problem worse. He had no reason to do anything differently because there were no negative results he had to live with.
L
1.) I am not responsible for another adult. The consequences he suffers are due to his choices, they are not because of me.
2.) What feels like helping is really just the opposite. By saving him from his own consequences, I made the problem worse. He had no reason to do anything differently because there were no negative results he had to live with.
L
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Oh my goodness! You and I have so much in common--been there, done that! Only this last time when my ABF went to jail for alcoholism/assaulting me--I let the courts take care of him. He needs some help--no more enabling! Maybe this will be a wake up call for him. There are consequences to pay for our actions--period. Especially if he has gotten by before--he will most certainly do this again...maybe not this exact same thing>but something else will happen unless he gets some help. Something needs to "break the cycle"--maybe the judge can do it this time. Whatever you do--Do not lie for him!!! He is trying to manipulate you once again--and yes, alcoholics are selfish self-centered people. You can PM me if you want to--it just really gets to me when I hear things like this...:wtf2
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE take care of yourself and do not lie to a judge or anyone else for your abf!!! Think about the consequences FOR YOU before you decide to help him in any way. What will lying for him accomplish for you?
I agree with LTD. Your definition of helping is just the opposite. He needs to hit his bottom. He may just be worried that if you don't bail him out that he won't be able to drink. AND if he's not able to drink for a year, he may actually have to deal with his addiction.
Regardless of your reasons for calling the cops, I think you did the right thing. He killed a horse (in my opinion just as bad as taking a human life) and the next time he drinks he may kill an entire family.
You are not weak. You are stronger than you think you are. It took major courage to make the call. Stick to your guns on this one. Hugs and prayers to you!
I agree with LTD. Your definition of helping is just the opposite. He needs to hit his bottom. He may just be worried that if you don't bail him out that he won't be able to drink. AND if he's not able to drink for a year, he may actually have to deal with his addiction.
Regardless of your reasons for calling the cops, I think you did the right thing. He killed a horse (in my opinion just as bad as taking a human life) and the next time he drinks he may kill an entire family.
You are not weak. You are stronger than you think you are. It took major courage to make the call. Stick to your guns on this one. Hugs and prayers to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 20
Oh Soconfused, I Am Sooooooo Proud Of You For Not Compromising Your Integrity For Him This Time By Lying In Court. If He Gets A Year, You Have Nothing To Do With That, You Did Not Cause Him To Drink, You Cannot Control It, Or Cure It. And Remember, Crazy People Will Make You Crazy, Guaranteed, Every Single Time. Please Spend Every Spare Moment Going To Alanon, Counseling, And Making Yourself Well. Girlfriend, You Could Be Free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Free From All Of The Craziness. The Reason I Know That He Will Never Change, Is Because He Has His Enabler Mother In Place And He Does Not Have To. You Sound Like Such An Awesome Person, Let Go Girl. Come On Here Everyday, We Will Support You And Remind You That The Best Predictor Of Future Behavior Is Past Behavior And His Past Behavior Sucks. Guilt, No Way Baby, Would I Let Him Put That On You. Detach Completely From Him And His Enabler And You Can Have The Life You Deserve, Which Is More Peaceful Than You Can Imagine. Hands Of The Addict, It Worked For Me. I Have Had 3 Of The Most Peaceful Years Of My Life. Stay Strong And Know That There Are Plenty Of Us Praying For You To Be Free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
It took major courage to make the call.
Thank you. Someone else said the same thing, it was pretty much automatic for me, I had my son and two other boys at the house when this happened. And he was being verbally abusive, saying things just to hurt me. I really just wanted him to leave and he would not. I surely don't feel full of courage.
Thank you. Someone else said the same thing, it was pretty much automatic for me, I had my son and two other boys at the house when this happened. And he was being verbally abusive, saying things just to hurt me. I really just wanted him to leave and he would not. I surely don't feel full of courage.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Soconfused11 - I know that it was extremely difficult to do. My mother had to do this with my dad a couple of times. I admire her strength for having done it just as I admire your strength for doing it now.
You chose YOU that night. Do you realize the power in that? Keep up with the good stuff!
You chose YOU that night. Do you realize the power in that? Keep up with the good stuff!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
And I'm the stupid one that keeps taking his calls.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Soconfused11 
And do you think that when they said they are quitting for good "this time", that they really believe that they can? Or are they just saying what we want to hear?
Most times it is because that is what you want to hear.
If you keep covering for him, how much guilt would you harbor if he does kill a person the next time?
The best way you can help him is let him deal with things on his own...stop bailing him out.
Did you also know that if you lie in court and they catch you in a lie..You could end up in jail?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Did he pitch this one at you? "If I go to jail, I'll become a hardened criminal and I'll have you to thank for that. That is what the system does to a person."
That's the line my A son has given me before. Don't believe it. They have choices and their lives are out of control. They try to make us think that we have soooooooo much power that we can be held responsible for anything bad that happens to them. When you think about it.....it's kind of silly that we can be convinced that we're that "powerful".
Perhaps a year in jail will keep him sober for that long!
I use to think that jail was the worst possible thing that could happen to my A son. Now.....if it has to be.....it has to be. He's been given the tools for sobriety. It is now his choice to use them.
gentle hugs to you. This is all so confusing, isn't it?
That's the line my A son has given me before. Don't believe it. They have choices and their lives are out of control. They try to make us think that we have soooooooo much power that we can be held responsible for anything bad that happens to them. When you think about it.....it's kind of silly that we can be convinced that we're that "powerful".
Perhaps a year in jail will keep him sober for that long!
I use to think that jail was the worst possible thing that could happen to my A son. Now.....if it has to be.....it has to be. He's been given the tools for sobriety. It is now his choice to use them.
gentle hugs to you. This is all so confusing, isn't it?
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Besides the fact that lying is just wrong; as Best said,YOU could go to jail,etc. for lying in court for him.
Also, you did lie for him in the past, and that did not seem to be helpful to anyone,least of all you. If his mother wants to lie or enable him,etc......that's her business. I'd tell him "no" and that would be the end of it,unless he threatened ,etc. and in that case,I would call the police (and NOT have the charges dropped).
I guess I can not blame him for trying,but sticking to your "no" should start to give him a clearer picture about things.
Also, you did lie for him in the past, and that did not seem to be helpful to anyone,least of all you. If his mother wants to lie or enable him,etc......that's her business. I'd tell him "no" and that would be the end of it,unless he threatened ,etc. and in that case,I would call the police (and NOT have the charges dropped).
I guess I can not blame him for trying,but sticking to your "no" should start to give him a clearer picture about things.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Midwest, U.S.A.
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Originally Posted by Soconfused11
And do you think that when they said they are quitting for good "this time", that they really believe that they can? Or are they just saying what we want to hear?
I was an amazing liar. I didn't want to be, but felt it is what I had to do to feel good. Selfish or ignorant? Perhaps both.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Murderers lie in court. Addicts lie in court. Do you want your son to have a mother who lies in court? You deserve better than that. Your son deserves better than that.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Honey,they are master manipulators,don't listen to his lies.
If I had a dollar for every time I was promised "This is the last time I will drink" I'd be a millionare....... Just take care of you,don't answer the phone calls,as far as his mother goes she too is very sick.
If I had a dollar for every time I was promised "This is the last time I will drink" I'd be a millionare....... Just take care of you,don't answer the phone calls,as far as his mother goes she too is very sick.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Yes, we believe we can, but it's a VERY difficult thing to do. It consumes us. The problem was, I didn't want to quit ENOUGH. It took me hitting bottom to get real. Maybe jail will be his bottom. I'd feel bad if he lost his job over it though.
He isn't working. He got fired from the last two jobs. He has nothing to lose at this point except for precious time with his children. But he made that choice, he knew that by drinking he was risking going to jail.
I am not going to court today. He knows that. He even did the...."I have to do this on my own then?".....in a really sad voice but I told him I thought that was best.
Someone mentioned that he would never have to hit bottom because of his mom, and there is probably a lot of truth to that. And that is sad but I was as sick as she is not long ago, but now that I've gotten some of the recovery tools, I am just so aggravated that she sees that he does no wrong. She blames his drinking on me, 100%. (Even though he drank with his long term high school sweetheart for 4 years, then his wife for the next 5). I tried having a conversation with her this last time he was incarcerated about the fact that I won't enable him anymore. Our counselor told me that I need to set boundaries with Chris, so I told her that I told Chris if he starts drinking again I will have to walk away. She said that by saying that I was backing him into a corner. Whatever. I quit trying to talk to her along time ago, and I am really working on forgiving her and letting go of this resentment, because all it does is hold me down. I want to be free from that and I know that God will help me with that. If she wants to carry that anger around, she can do that.
Thanks for the support, last night was hard but today is a new day and hopefully it goes better.
:ghug2
He isn't working. He got fired from the last two jobs. He has nothing to lose at this point except for precious time with his children. But he made that choice, he knew that by drinking he was risking going to jail.
I am not going to court today. He knows that. He even did the...."I have to do this on my own then?".....in a really sad voice but I told him I thought that was best.
Someone mentioned that he would never have to hit bottom because of his mom, and there is probably a lot of truth to that. And that is sad but I was as sick as she is not long ago, but now that I've gotten some of the recovery tools, I am just so aggravated that she sees that he does no wrong. She blames his drinking on me, 100%. (Even though he drank with his long term high school sweetheart for 4 years, then his wife for the next 5). I tried having a conversation with her this last time he was incarcerated about the fact that I won't enable him anymore. Our counselor told me that I need to set boundaries with Chris, so I told her that I told Chris if he starts drinking again I will have to walk away. She said that by saying that I was backing him into a corner. Whatever. I quit trying to talk to her along time ago, and I am really working on forgiving her and letting go of this resentment, because all it does is hold me down. I want to be free from that and I know that God will help me with that. If she wants to carry that anger around, she can do that.
Thanks for the support, last night was hard but today is a new day and hopefully it goes better.
:ghug2
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I've read your post and am glad you are not going to court today and am going to let him deal with his consequences.
As far as his mom enabling him, he still may hit bottom despite her....we A's can get into so much trouble, even the best enabler can't get us out. Also, letting her be the sole enabler may just help her to hit her bottom. Then again, she may not.
Keep taking care of you!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
As far as his mom enabling him, he still may hit bottom despite her....we A's can get into so much trouble, even the best enabler can't get us out. Also, letting her be the sole enabler may just help her to hit her bottom. Then again, she may not.
Keep taking care of you!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
I am just so aggravated that she sees that he does no wrong. She blames his drinking on me, 100%.
My AH's mother is the same way. She is financially supporting my AH who remains unemployed more than 2 1/2 years after being fired. She thinks he drinks a bit too much but he's not an alcoholic. She (and the rest of his family) view me as an evil witch who is screwing over AH. Such is life. It has no effect on me. I know the truth. They are not my responsibility in anyway whatsoever.
Let go of all of the outsiders, whoever they are. Let them do as they want and don't let them bother you. I have found that banging my head against that wall does nothing other than give me a headache.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: by the sea
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Thinking of you today - I know this was difficult but as all above you have to do what is right .. how could he even ask you to lie in court for him? Just to prove he doesn't care it is just about him..
time for him to pay the band for the dancing he has been doing
keep strong
shakarris
time for him to pay the band for the dancing he has been doing
keep strong
shakarris
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