Daisy30

Okay What am I doing!
Ah and I are thinking about moving into a house with more bedrooms. We feel like we are running out room wit the 5 of us. We found one we like and are thinking about making an offer....actually we scheduled an apptmt with our realtor to do so this week.

I must be crazy! Am I really going to do this??!!
I mean he came home drunk tonight and fumbled his way through a conversation with our morgage lender.

This is where the dual persona really messes me up! I mean we can have a civil conversation about this when he is sober and I am like yes we can do this ...and then all of the sudden...Wham drunk AH shows up and I am like what am I thinking

Also I posted a few days ago about how he was talking to this other AA member who is still actively drinking....well he tells me today that that guy is his new sponsor...what!

Okay I am so confused...

WLDKATZ

you need to stop and reconsider those moves you are making........I think you need to slow up but that is just me if he is making unhealthy decisions about his sponcership that is a MAJOR red flag to me!


Good Luck!!!
Pamm

Barbara52

Wow. I'm not trying to tell you what to do but I really think you need to take a time out think about whether you really want to take on a larger financial committment on a bigger house when you have indicated your life and marriage are a bit of a mess.

Daisy30

I know I know! I need to hear it! I have to stop living this lie!

seriously how do I stop this train!

WLDKATZ

well the escape button DOES NOT WORK ON ANYTHING BUT A COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

honey slow down and I mean way fast tell everyone you have to think and clear your head

WLDKATZ

LORD I HATE MULTI TASKING

you have to be true to you babe and remember when u think u aint got the strength we are here to give you ours and you have to do this for no one other than YOU!!!!!!!!

Good Luck, you are in my thoughts and prayers

hope2bhappy

I agree with the others. It's amazing how we can completely forget the reality of our situations everytime we see a sober moment. I used to do this all the time.

As far as your AH's "sponsor"... I don't think he's leveling with you. If I'm not mistaken, in order for one to be a sponsor (under the guidelines of AA), he must have at least one-year's sobriety. On the other hand, he sounds like the kind of sponsor an active A would like to have -- somebody to share a drink with.

DESIGNER

Yep I have done this for the past 4 years and I have realized that this will be my life unless I make the change. Change is scary....read the thread I just posted.

I was in the same situation a month ago. Abf and I were planning on moving out of this 2 bedroom apartment and getting a bigger place. One with a yard, a basement, garage, nice big kitchen and a place that is only like 2 years old. Everything that I have wanted in a house for a LONG time but I chose a 1 bedroom 1 bath 800 sf apartment because I know that I am ready to get off of the rollarcoaster of alcholism. I ALWAYS looked past the alcoholism when he was sober and the one that I love but he is not ready to give up drinking and I am not ready to give up my life to living with an alcoholic.

Try as hard as it may be to take care of yourself and listen to your gut feelings....we have that naturally installed into us for a reason.

LaTeeDa

Getting into a deeper financial committment will only make things harder if you decide to separate yourself from the madness. Look at all your choices, not just the one in front of you. If I had it to do all over again, I would not have gotten myself into the obligations I did.

L

Shivaya

Hi Daisy30,
If it does not feel/sound right, then it isn't right for you. If you have doubts/questions, then don't make a decision until you are positive it's what you want.

I second what Designer said, if my instinct (gut) is telling me this is not right, I listen to it. Because every time I don't, I always regret it.

Sending good thoughts your way.....

Shivaya

hadenoughnow

We did move to a bigger house 1.5 years ago. My HP was looking out for me though, two days before the closing the mortgage company called to tell me that they could not put AH on the mortgage without the interest rate going up due to his bad credit (I qualified by myself). Our old house was sold so he had no choice but to go along with it. So now I get to keep the house without refinancing and boy is he not happy about that! If he makes me sell he will lose money to real estate commissions and the market here is horrible so it would take forever to get his money plus he would have to give me half his 401k and pension. So it worked out better in the end for me but my case is probably a little unusual.

Daisy30

thanks every one I have so many thoughts going through my head right now.

Well I think God just stepped in. My Grandfather was suppose to come look at the house before we made an offer. My mom just called and said my grandma is sick and my grandpa won't be able come down to check the house out for us.


I thought there would be some kind of criteria...but I didn't know? He hasn't talked to his original sponsor in a few months and avoids meetings he will be at (I am pretty sure).

Obviously he is not serious about his recovery or else he wouldn't have chose this person. He said he was supposed to meet him last night at a meeting ("new sponsor") Well Ah passed out instead.

I need to get my butt to some open AA meetings for perspective I think.


sorry if I am rambling.....I could keep going lol

kermit

Get off the train and take a good long look.....

lilac

I would slow down, if I were you. If it doesn't feel right to you now, it's not gonna feel right after the fact. More financial obligations together is not going to make it any easier.

BohemiMamaof3

Who said the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour???

karmakoma

I would suggest that this situation with the house calls for a play of the tape to the end.

Unfortunately, the status quo (i.e. your husband continuing to drink) is the most likely scenario and that drinking is likely to get worse. Would you be able to afford the new place on your salary alone? Is there a housing recession in your part of the world and will this affect the value of the new place in the short-medium term? Would the purchase affect your options should you decide that you cannot continue to live with his behaviour?

Do you have a sponsor in al-anon or a counsellor with whom you can discuss this?

Daisy30

I do not have an income right now (I am a SAHM). If I went back to work I could probably afford the morgage on my own. The housing market in our area has been slow...but does not seem to be affecting prices overall. I don't know if it would limit my options or not. I do have neighbors here that I can count on in a moments notice. I would probably leave if I decided I could no longer handle him drinking.
More than likely if I left, I would go stay with my mom...(not sure as she lives an hour away)...and comute dd to school?

I do not have an al-anon sponsor yet. If I had a sitter I would be either at an Al-anon meeting or my councelor's right now! But I agree I need to talk this out.

I feel like I have come to so many understandings about this disease and what I know in my head is fighting with ever other part of me! IT IS LIKE HAVING YOUR BRAIN REWIRED