Mr B

I haven't posted here much so here's where I am: my XAGF moved out nearly 18mo ago. We had six months of having our kids on alternating weeks but it didn't work out, I had to get Social Services involved, our kids got put on the Child Protection Register and I've had our kids living with me full-time ever since albeit with frequent contact with their mum. Our Social Worker has been great, XAGF has been given lots of opportunities to turn her life around (including regular counselling sessions), and SW has also been a good source of support for me.

During this time XAGF has been alternating between a few weeks of sobriety and the resumption of heavy drinking. At New Year's she went on a serious binge that included a couple of overdose attempts. She survived. Since then she really threw herself into sobering up, going to both her counselling service as well as (a first for her) regular AA meetings. Given the seriousness of the events over New Year's and everything else that has been going on, I really was starting to think that she'd hit bottom. That's lasted about a month and now she's drinking again.

Meanwhile, SS is pushing for the children to be taken off the Child Protection Register as, basically, with the kids living with me, they're at no risk. That decision is going to be made next month. It will mean that XAGF will still get frequent contact with the kids but they will remain living with me for the foreseeable future albeit with periodic reviews.

So that's where the practical stuff is. Personally, I'm struggling. Shameful as it is to say, I can't quite shake the feeling that if XAGF had managed to kill herself at New Year's then, although that would obviously have hurt the children greatly, maybe it would've been for the best in the long run. I know that's a horrible thing to think but, honestly, the thought of this situation continuing on forever more makes me feel desperate. As we have kids, I can't distance myself from her completely. I can't rely on her whatsoever as, although when she's going through a sober patch she will turn up to see the kids when she says she will, when she's drinking - which can re-start with no warning - then who knows when she'll turn up or what state she'll be in if she does.

The concern over whether she'll turn up, or what state she'll be in, causes me a lot of stress. If she turns up drunk then I have turned her away in the past but the backlash is sizeable. If I'm being totally selfish then I'd prefer that she just goes away until she sobers up for good and if that's never, then I'll happily never set eyes on the woman again. But I know that's not fair on the kids. I'm also trying to juggle having a demanding job with being a single parent. That's plain hard work but the stress of dealing with XAGF eclipses everything else.

Basically, I'm finding it really hard to find a path through all this that minimises the stress on me while still allowing the children to have some contact with their mum when she's sober. I'm edging towards reducing what contact she does have but that is probably more to do with reducing the opportunities for conflict and I'm not sure that's a good basis for this kind of decision.

Any suggestions?

Thanks,
Mr B.

Kindeyes

Mr B
I'm so sorry that you are having the deal with this complicated situation. It sounds as though you are doing a remarkable job of keeping your sanity in the midst of the chaos.

I can only speak for myself but I have dealt with the guilt of thinking that I would rather lose my A son once than lose him over and over again as I am now. I understand the thoughts and feelings that you are having......but it is with my adult child. The guilt for thinking those thoughts is terrible. The reality of it happening would be unmanageably painful. I know I don't really want that but sometimes it feels like the only way to make the pain and chaos stop.

Stick around here. There are so many supportive people who understand the difficulties you are living through right now.

hugs

laurie6781

I'm not sure about all your laws in the UK, but here, with you having custody and her not able to stay sober you would be able to get what we call "supervised visitation."

Hopefully you can get something like that there. Visitation times are set in concrete, and an 'impartial party' (usually a social worker) supervises the visits at a 'neutral' place. Then when visit is over, the children would come back to you.

It might be worth checking into.

I understand your frustration, and attending some Alanon meetings would be great for you. Unfortunately, those of us that have alcoholics and/or addicts in our lives are very affected by their actions.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Growing

We are here to support you Mr. B.

It is complicated. Just hang around here...check out alanon meetings if you wish...share with us...tools like SR and alanon give us strength.

bluejay6

mr. b., i admire your honesty. your guilt about thinking things would be easier for the family if the addict died is very very common among families who are being abused by an addict. it is important to keep that in mind: you, and your children, are being abused. it is the most human response in the world to want the abuser gone, by any means possible. all life is wired that way. do not feel guilty when those thoughts sweep through you. they come and they go. they do not define you.

i agree that supervised visitation, if it is possible, is the answer. addicts can shred a child's psyche in one sentence. all it takes it one vicious remark and the child is scarred for life. trust me in this.

for myself, i would not leave children unsupervised with a practicing addict under any circumstances, because the addict is unable to control when and where he or she will drink or use. they make promises...the addiction is more powerful.

you have every right to put yourself between your children and an out of control alcoholic mother. the tragic fact for your children is that their mother is an alcoholic. that is their reality and this will never change. she may recover or not, but she will always be an alcoholic. that given, the rules for "time with mom" change.

do be well. life will get better and better for you all. hoping you will get every available support you can.

hope2bhappy

Towards the end, I often wished that my AH would just die and end the misery for both of us. Then God stepped in.

I agree with everything Laurie said, above, about supervised visitation. I would check into that. Sounds like you have been doing a wonderful job inspite of the adversities you face.

P.S. I used to live in Hatfield.