Mr B
I'm so sorry that you are having the deal with this complicated situation. It sounds as though you are doing a remarkable job of keeping your sanity in the midst of the chaos.
I can only speak for myself but I have dealt with the guilt of thinking that I would rather lose my A son once than lose him over and over again as I am now. I understand the thoughts and feelings that you are having......but it is with my adult child. The guilt for thinking those thoughts is terrible. The reality of it happening would be unmanageably painful. I know I don't really want that but sometimes it feels like the only way to make the pain and chaos stop.
Stick around here. There are so many supportive people who understand the difficulties you are living through right now.
hugs