Starting a relationship with a recovering alcoholic....
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
From one acoa to another, just listen to the man, your love interest. Listen to what he said to you.
Sometimes we *chose* not to believe what a person is honestly telling us.
He may not "mean" to reject you, but that is how it feels anyway to an acoa.
Acoa's despise what we consider rejection. Is a reaction to the rejection we faced as children?
Paraphrased from "The 13 Characteristics of ACOA's" :
Acoa's have difficulty with intimate relationships, overreact to changes over which they have no control and constantly seek approval and affirmation.
Sometimes we *chose* not to believe what a person is honestly telling us.
He may not "mean" to reject you, but that is how it feels anyway to an acoa.
Acoa's despise what we consider rejection. Is a reaction to the rejection we faced as children?
Paraphrased from "The 13 Characteristics of ACOA's" :
Acoa's have difficulty with intimate relationships, overreact to changes over which they have no control and constantly seek approval and affirmation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Burlington, VT
Posts: 6
Update, I have found that I cannot be friends with him at this time, it's too hard. I do not need him, I want him. Yet I cannot get him out of my head.... The gym has been a wonderful focus for me, work, and I have even gone to a few meetings to try and understand my father, him, and even myself. I have also decided that I am not going to drink for an undertermined amount of time. I know that I have the pre-disposition to be an alcoholic, therefore just gonna give it a shot, for me. My friends are being amazingly supportive. This feels right.
Thank you for all of the advice.
Thank you for all of the advice.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Gaining the clarity to "do what feels right" is a magical thing indeed. It becomes an indestructible road map to a better life, when you can really and truly examine what you're feeling.
The gym saved my life too (laughing). I found that after making my heart pound and my muscles work for a while, things still hurt but not nearly as sharply....more like a dull ache than a sharp poke. And then eventually the dull ache went away too, and I could just wish "him" a happy life while I went about mine.
Hugs and hope and strength for you!
GL
The gym saved my life too (laughing). I found that after making my heart pound and my muscles work for a while, things still hurt but not nearly as sharply....more like a dull ache than a sharp poke. And then eventually the dull ache went away too, and I could just wish "him" a happy life while I went about mine.
Hugs and hope and strength for you!
GL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by ChristinaMarie 
Interesting. I will definitely give this some thought, but I do not like men unless they are self sufficient and strong. And open and honest... This doesn't necessarily sound like an alcoholic, does it?
That's the "type" I go for,too. In fact, that describes my exAH of nearly 30yrs. He just divorced me (he's strong and self-sufficient,so he could 
...it was easier than giving up his alcohol,I guess) but he is still an alcoholic. Didn't want to quit drinking. His life is slowly unraveling but he is still holding it together (to the outside world);probably only a matter of time. That's the "reason" he feels he can not possibly be an alcoholic.p.s. I hit the wrong button an accidently erased the second part of your post,CM. I'm sorry
Bigred7
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 12
Folow your heart. If you truly Love each other, Love will conqor all. He is in recovery. He will always be an alcoholic. Never forget that. Right now it is hard for him to be around someone who drinks, that should get better with time. He will have to adjust if he wants what you both truly want.
You only have one chance in meeting your soulmate. If it happens, do what you must to keep it. I know how devistating it feels to lose your soulmate. I am in the midsts of that now. My heart is shattered and I have no one to blame but myself. Keep the Love in both of your hearts. Love is what makes the world a much happier place.
Bigred7
You only have one chance in meeting your soulmate. If it happens, do what you must to keep it. I know how devistating it feels to lose your soulmate. I am in the midsts of that now. My heart is shattered and I have no one to blame but myself. Keep the Love in both of your hearts. Love is what makes the world a much happier place.
Bigred7
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Bigred, I'm sorry for the pain you feel but I disagree with you. The concept that we have only one 'soulmate' and that 'love will conquer all' is what kept so many of us here with our alcoholic partners, to our own detriment. Love is never enough when faced with an active alcoholic. Never. If we could all just love our partners better then the world would see a dramatic reduction in the number of alcoholics and we would not be posting here on this board, devastated by the actions of those we love and who are supposed to love us.
'Soulmates' and the 'power of love' are dangerous, fuzzy thinking concepts that destroy people and make leaving an abusive partner so damn difficult.
'Soulmates' and the 'power of love' are dangerous, fuzzy thinking concepts that destroy people and make leaving an abusive partner so damn difficult.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Tiburon, CA
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by carolineb
It took me a looooong time to see the manipulation.
It took me a looooong time to know that an alcoholic isn't necessarily a 'drink everyday, falling down' drunk. He is functioning, takes care of his kids, owns a home, exercises, owns a business, makes good money. Fulfills obligations, etc.
We started out as friends. We fell in love. He would stop me on the street to tell me how beautiful I was. He treated me like a queen. He did things for me constantly. He was there for me whenever I needed him. He was my man.
I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
He told me I wasn't enough. He told me he needed someone who was 'ga ga' over him. He told me when you love someone you talk, text, touch base everyday and I wasn't doing enough. He asked me if we had a future and when I said, 'possibly', it wasn't a good enough answer. He told me he was willing to give me his heart.
I went crazy trying to figure out why he was so insecure. I broke up with him twice because I thought I wanted my freedom back. He was suffocating me.
Then I missed him. Then I thought I wanted to be with him. I asked to try again. I wanted to be more 'present' for him and give him my love. That's what he enjoyed. Now he was in charge. I didn't get it.
Then I realized he was an alcoholic and it all made sense.
Then I ran. And....I thanked God for not allowing me to sell my soul to this man and his addiction. Now I am hurting like I've never hurt before.
BUT.....I have my life back. . It all makes so much sense now. It hasn't been long, but I will get there. Am I so desperate to be loved that I'll put up with this sh*t? I love myself more than that. He's tried contacting me once...I ignored him completely. My silence speaks volumes. I am free.
RUN.....................and don't look back. He will play on your frienship....I guarantee it. Then he will suck the life out of you like a vampire.
It took me a looooong time to know that an alcoholic isn't necessarily a 'drink everyday, falling down' drunk. He is functioning, takes care of his kids, owns a home, exercises, owns a business, makes good money. Fulfills obligations, etc.
We started out as friends. We fell in love. He would stop me on the street to tell me how beautiful I was. He treated me like a queen. He did things for me constantly. He was there for me whenever I needed him. He was my man.
I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
He told me I wasn't enough. He told me he needed someone who was 'ga ga' over him. He told me when you love someone you talk, text, touch base everyday and I wasn't doing enough. He asked me if we had a future and when I said, 'possibly', it wasn't a good enough answer. He told me he was willing to give me his heart.
I went crazy trying to figure out why he was so insecure. I broke up with him twice because I thought I wanted my freedom back. He was suffocating me.
Then I missed him. Then I thought I wanted to be with him. I asked to try again. I wanted to be more 'present' for him and give him my love. That's what he enjoyed. Now he was in charge. I didn't get it.
Then I realized he was an alcoholic and it all made sense.
Then I ran. And....I thanked God for not allowing me to sell my soul to this man and his addiction. Now I am hurting like I've never hurt before.
BUT.....I have my life back. . It all makes so much sense now. It hasn't been long, but I will get there. Am I so desperate to be loved that I'll put up with this sh*t? I love myself more than that. He's tried contacting me once...I ignored him completely. My silence speaks volumes. I am free.
RUN.....................and don't look back. He will play on your frienship....I guarantee it. Then he will suck the life out of you like a vampire.
If the lady is still in this relationship or for anyone dealing with this issue now, GET OUT! You will save yourself a lot of heartache and possibly money. I always prided myself on not having romantic involvement with someone from The Rooms. I always preached how intimacy with another AA'er was asking for trouble. I did not follow my own advice. I did start doing business with someone in the programme and then got intimate for a short time.
I heard all of the things, which are mentioned in the quote from the member I copied in this post. With his girlfriend/fiancé, I heard from him how she did not love him but 'needed' him financially. She did not love him enough; she pressed for engagement so soon; she controlled the relationship. All is true; however, he benefits from all of this as well. I heard the how he wanted to go out of town and be with me. He told his girlfriend the same thing. There never was going to be a break-up and this man is also benefiting from the woman, who he claims 'needs' him. The man's life spiraled out of control. I backed off to regain my own serenity.
I shudder at how I could have been led into the manipulation. At first, I thought his girlfriend had 'won' since she still is with him and he is doing what she wanted. She has not won a thing except a man who is very manipulative and has her jumping to his every demand. Better her than me, even though that sounds crass. She has trapped herself with romantic ideals. I almost got sucked in. Today, I am grateful for recovery. In past, I would have run with this and then wonder why I was in such chaos and possibly financial trouble as in the past.
Be wary of responses of how 'love conquers all.' It doesn't. Too many women believe the chick flick genre of movies and books, which have the happy ending to keep the consumers' purses open. Do not do whatever you think you got to do to keep this 'soul-mate.' He will suck the life out of you. The person I thought was a soul-mate could have done that had I not run like a bat out of hell when I saw what was really going on. Do not believe romantic ideals. That is what will get us drunk and possibly broke. This man was a master at manipulation and saying what each woman wanted: "You are beautiful...You are what I need..." Blah blah blah.
Journal if you have to and write down all of the insanity of your dealings with an alcoholic. That is a good reminder to look upon when tempted to contact this person and renew relations. Keep busy as well with healthy activities. In time, you will look back and be over this toxic relationship.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Originally Posted by ChristinaMarie
...I have also decided that I am not going to drink for an undertermined amount of time... This feels right.
What is your real motivation here? He told you that he can't be with someone who drinks, even socially, so now you've decided to see how long you can go without drinking. Too coincidental.
Some of us end up as alcoholics. Many many others end up not as alcoholics, but married to alcoholics. I'd say you might want to pay a little more attention to the second one. Keep going to those alanon meetings, and determine why you are attracted to people like him in the first place.
I'm only saying this because I have done exactly what you are doing. **
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Bigred,
If love could conquer all, none of us would be here. And, to me, there is no such thing as a soul mate or love of my life, they are buzz words that have been totally over used and unfortunately keep too many of us stuck in a bad relationship.
Sorry, I cannot agree with your post. I do, however, wish you the best!
If love could conquer all, none of us would be here. And, to me, there is no such thing as a soul mate or love of my life, they are buzz words that have been totally over used and unfortunately keep too many of us stuck in a bad relationship.
Sorry, I cannot agree with your post. I do, however, wish you the best!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
He is doing the right thing for somebody serious about their recovery. Nobody early in recovery should be in a relationship at all in my opinion, and if somebody else drinking triggers their disease then their recovery has an issue of some kind. He noticed this, made the decision he needs to make at this point in his recovery, and more will be revealed.
That said, there is collectively hundreds of years of experience with alcoholics and alcoholism on this board, and I am contributing at least 20 of them.
That said, even knowing what you know now, you are still pining over him. That sounds, to me, like very common ACOA behavior. Please strongly consider going to at least six Alanon or ACOA meetings, some different, before deciding if they are for you. That you fell for this man, and continued to do so even after learning about his alcoholic nature, is a huge red flag-- especially for an ACOA.
As for being open and honest sounding like an alcoholic. There's sounding open and honest, and there's being open and honest and it gets hairy. Alcoholics truly in recovery and dedicated to it are often open and honest. Alcoholics not in recovery and not dedicated to it can sound open and honest (and depending on where they are in their disease may appear to be as well).
Please consider re-reading Cynay's post as it contains a great deal of truth.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
That said, there is collectively hundreds of years of experience with alcoholics and alcoholism on this board, and I am contributing at least 20 of them.
That said, even knowing what you know now, you are still pining over him. That sounds, to me, like very common ACOA behavior. Please strongly consider going to at least six Alanon or ACOA meetings, some different, before deciding if they are for you. That you fell for this man, and continued to do so even after learning about his alcoholic nature, is a huge red flag-- especially for an ACOA.
As for being open and honest sounding like an alcoholic. There's sounding open and honest, and there's being open and honest and it gets hairy. Alcoholics truly in recovery and dedicated to it are often open and honest. Alcoholics not in recovery and not dedicated to it can sound open and honest (and depending on where they are in their disease may appear to be as well).
Please consider re-reading Cynay's post as it contains a great deal of truth.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I fell for it, too. Until I realized it was an oldie...but goodie.
Ahhh the soulmate argument. I used to believe in that once, until I realized it was a bunch of crap fueled by hormones.
Why do we fall for the idea that someone is our soulmate? To me - this sounds like a big case of the "I can't haves" and that makes it way more interesting.
Ahhh the soulmate argument. I used to believe in that once, until I realized it was a bunch of crap fueled by hormones.
Why do we fall for the idea that someone is our soulmate? To me - this sounds like a big case of the "I can't haves" and that makes it way more interesting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Bigswing, the bulk of the thread is from 2008. As Lexiecat said in her post from 2011, only one person from the thread was still around then, and THAT was 6 years ago.
I see somebody searching for what she wants to hear...
I know you're looking for hope that somehow this guy is going to turn out to be the knight in shining armor that you thought he was. I know you're in a bad place, what w/losing your dad and all. But truly, taking up with an active alcoholic/addict is NOT going to bring you happiness or peace. And if you've been reading around the forum, surely you've seen that trying to be HIS knight in shining armor is equally a lost cause.
You're hurting, and in your shoes, who wouldn't be? But he is not a special snowflake; he is an alcoholic/addict like all the others you read about here and almost guaranteed to act in similar ways.
Would I be wrong in guessing that he has been back in contact w/you, telling you that he's sorry, that all these years he's pined for you and if only you would stand by him, he'd be able to change and everything would be different?
I see somebody searching for what she wants to hear...
I know you're looking for hope that somehow this guy is going to turn out to be the knight in shining armor that you thought he was. I know you're in a bad place, what w/losing your dad and all. But truly, taking up with an active alcoholic/addict is NOT going to bring you happiness or peace. And if you've been reading around the forum, surely you've seen that trying to be HIS knight in shining armor is equally a lost cause.
You're hurting, and in your shoes, who wouldn't be? But he is not a special snowflake; he is an alcoholic/addict like all the others you read about here and almost guaranteed to act in similar ways.
Would I be wrong in guessing that he has been back in contact w/you, telling you that he's sorry, that all these years he's pined for you and if only you would stand by him, he'd be able to change and everything would be different?
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