Is he an alcoholic? *warning: long post*
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Is he an alcoholic? *warning: long post*
Hi Everyone,
I will apologize in advance if this post ends up really long but I want to give as much detail about my situation and appreciate all who make it through my post and/or reply with any guidance you can give me.
Background: I'm 24, in a relatively new relationship (6 months) with a 36 yr old man (I'll call him "M." to make it easier to read my story) that I was good friends with before we got together. We were friends for 1 1/2 years before getting together, as I was in another relationship at the time. We talked a lot, didn't hang out together alone really at all, (as I was in a relationship) but a bond formed between us as we work together so that's how we got to know each other.
Now that we are together, almost everything is great. We have so much in common, share the same goals and dreams, he treats me like gold, etc. etc. Now I know that it's a new relationship, it's the honeymoon period and all, but I could really see this thing going somewhere EXCEPT for one big issue. I'm sure you've all guessed it seeing as we are all on a support board for alcoholics.
Before I get into what's happening right now, a bit more background on "M". He's been upfront with me about his past. He was a major partier, up until about 2 years ago. By partying I mean going on 2-3 day benders, coming to work hungover (this was before I ever met him otherwise we probably wouldn't have formed a friendship in the first place) drinking during the week, and sometimes "recreationally" using cocaine. He also occasionally smokes pot. 2 yrs ago he stopped hanging with his party buddies, toned it down significantly, but still drinks.
So fast forward to us now in a relationship. In the 6 months we've been together, he's had some form of alcohol almost every single day. Whether it be a couple glasses of wine with dinner (which I will partake in as well, just not every day...I probably have 1-2 drinks once or twice a month) a few pints with the guys at the pub watching football, etc. I think I've seen him "fall down sloshed" 2 times in the 6 months. Usually he just gets a mild buzz going. Sometimes though it's more than 2 glasses of wine with dinner, sometimes he polishes a whole bottle to himself throughout an evening while I'll have none (just cuz I'm not a big drinker and don't enjoy it all that much). When he drinks, his moods don't really change, he's not an angry drunk, he's just as friendly and affectionate as ever with me or other loved ones so there isn't really an issue in regards to any "Jekyll and Hyde" behaviour that I know a lot of loved ones of drinkers have to endure.
Needless to say, the fact that he drinks pretty much every day really bothers me. I have talked to him about it several times, on 2 occasions I got really emotional, not angry and yelling, but crying and poured my heart out to him about how I didn't like it and I worry about his health and with our 12 yr age difference he's already got on me I want him around and in my life for a long time! I am not trying to manipulate him or control him, I don't care if he goes out with his friends to watch the game and have a few pints, we both like our seperate times with our friends. My concerns stem from worry about his health, and also I don't understand why he needs to have some sort of drink every day...is he trying to escape? Is he hurting emotionally? So when we've discussed my fears on this issue, he's listened to me, didn't get defensive and said he understood where I was coming from. BUT, there's been excuses made (of course) about his behaviour. He said to me that for the past 10 years, all he's had was his buddies and drinking. (Before me he was single for a long time after a bad breakup). He says "it's all he knows". Then he told me that it's football playoffs, and during this time of year he will inevitably have a few pints with the guys when the games are on, then he calms it down after Superbowl. He says that he's come a LONG way from where he was with the benders, the cocaine, etc. And that is true. But why still the drinking everyday even if he doesn't necessarily get drunk? He told me to "give him time" and it will take "baby steps" for him to change now that he's with someone he really loves and wants to make a life with.
All of this sounds well and good at the time, he has a way of making me feel better on the occasions we've discussed this, but I haven't seen much change or cutting back on the drinking. For example yesterday: Since we work together, we often commute together. Yesterday he was off earlier than me, and he was going to wait about an hour and a half until I was off so we could drive home together. So he went to a nearby pub with a couple other co-workers and he says he had 2 pints (which I do believe is the case). I was fine with that. So we go home, and he has had a cold for the past few days so wasnt' feeling well. I got him a glass of orange juice, and he goes and puts a shot of vodka in it. I asked him why that was necessary, and he said "cuz I want to be able to sleep tonight". Does that sound like he depends on alcohol??? Does to me. He had cold medicine he could take that would've knocked him out just as effectively...and he took some of that as well. He saw that it bothered me that he added the shot to his OJ, but pretended everything was peachy keen.
So all in all this whole situation leaves me confused, worried, and kind of angry and resentful. I have never known anyone else in my life that drinks every day. My ex's father was a major alcoholic, so I've known how it can destroy families and a lot of the reason my ex is my ex is probably due to the fact he grew up in an alcoholic home and had a lot of anger issues.
I worry about the future of this relationship a lot, seeing as if this is how he is during the honeymoon phase, what's going to happen when more stresses come in? Money, kids, a house...if it does progress to that point? Will the drinking escalate?
I guess after this big long shpiel my questions are: Am I overreating? Does it seem like "M" is indeed alcohol dependant to some extent? Should I let it go and "give him some time" as he has requested of me? Am I being to hard on him and not recognizing the changes he has made and that he has come a long way?
Sorry this was so damn long...I wanted to be as detailed as I could. If you've gotten this far, many thanks, and thanks for any advice you can give.
I will apologize in advance if this post ends up really long but I want to give as much detail about my situation and appreciate all who make it through my post and/or reply with any guidance you can give me.
Background: I'm 24, in a relatively new relationship (6 months) with a 36 yr old man (I'll call him "M." to make it easier to read my story) that I was good friends with before we got together. We were friends for 1 1/2 years before getting together, as I was in another relationship at the time. We talked a lot, didn't hang out together alone really at all, (as I was in a relationship) but a bond formed between us as we work together so that's how we got to know each other.
Now that we are together, almost everything is great. We have so much in common, share the same goals and dreams, he treats me like gold, etc. etc. Now I know that it's a new relationship, it's the honeymoon period and all, but I could really see this thing going somewhere EXCEPT for one big issue. I'm sure you've all guessed it seeing as we are all on a support board for alcoholics.
Before I get into what's happening right now, a bit more background on "M". He's been upfront with me about his past. He was a major partier, up until about 2 years ago. By partying I mean going on 2-3 day benders, coming to work hungover (this was before I ever met him otherwise we probably wouldn't have formed a friendship in the first place) drinking during the week, and sometimes "recreationally" using cocaine. He also occasionally smokes pot. 2 yrs ago he stopped hanging with his party buddies, toned it down significantly, but still drinks.
So fast forward to us now in a relationship. In the 6 months we've been together, he's had some form of alcohol almost every single day. Whether it be a couple glasses of wine with dinner (which I will partake in as well, just not every day...I probably have 1-2 drinks once or twice a month) a few pints with the guys at the pub watching football, etc. I think I've seen him "fall down sloshed" 2 times in the 6 months. Usually he just gets a mild buzz going. Sometimes though it's more than 2 glasses of wine with dinner, sometimes he polishes a whole bottle to himself throughout an evening while I'll have none (just cuz I'm not a big drinker and don't enjoy it all that much). When he drinks, his moods don't really change, he's not an angry drunk, he's just as friendly and affectionate as ever with me or other loved ones so there isn't really an issue in regards to any "Jekyll and Hyde" behaviour that I know a lot of loved ones of drinkers have to endure.
Needless to say, the fact that he drinks pretty much every day really bothers me. I have talked to him about it several times, on 2 occasions I got really emotional, not angry and yelling, but crying and poured my heart out to him about how I didn't like it and I worry about his health and with our 12 yr age difference he's already got on me I want him around and in my life for a long time! I am not trying to manipulate him or control him, I don't care if he goes out with his friends to watch the game and have a few pints, we both like our seperate times with our friends. My concerns stem from worry about his health, and also I don't understand why he needs to have some sort of drink every day...is he trying to escape? Is he hurting emotionally? So when we've discussed my fears on this issue, he's listened to me, didn't get defensive and said he understood where I was coming from. BUT, there's been excuses made (of course) about his behaviour. He said to me that for the past 10 years, all he's had was his buddies and drinking. (Before me he was single for a long time after a bad breakup). He says "it's all he knows". Then he told me that it's football playoffs, and during this time of year he will inevitably have a few pints with the guys when the games are on, then he calms it down after Superbowl. He says that he's come a LONG way from where he was with the benders, the cocaine, etc. And that is true. But why still the drinking everyday even if he doesn't necessarily get drunk? He told me to "give him time" and it will take "baby steps" for him to change now that he's with someone he really loves and wants to make a life with.
All of this sounds well and good at the time, he has a way of making me feel better on the occasions we've discussed this, but I haven't seen much change or cutting back on the drinking. For example yesterday: Since we work together, we often commute together. Yesterday he was off earlier than me, and he was going to wait about an hour and a half until I was off so we could drive home together. So he went to a nearby pub with a couple other co-workers and he says he had 2 pints (which I do believe is the case). I was fine with that. So we go home, and he has had a cold for the past few days so wasnt' feeling well. I got him a glass of orange juice, and he goes and puts a shot of vodka in it. I asked him why that was necessary, and he said "cuz I want to be able to sleep tonight". Does that sound like he depends on alcohol??? Does to me. He had cold medicine he could take that would've knocked him out just as effectively...and he took some of that as well. He saw that it bothered me that he added the shot to his OJ, but pretended everything was peachy keen.
So all in all this whole situation leaves me confused, worried, and kind of angry and resentful. I have never known anyone else in my life that drinks every day. My ex's father was a major alcoholic, so I've known how it can destroy families and a lot of the reason my ex is my ex is probably due to the fact he grew up in an alcoholic home and had a lot of anger issues.
I worry about the future of this relationship a lot, seeing as if this is how he is during the honeymoon phase, what's going to happen when more stresses come in? Money, kids, a house...if it does progress to that point? Will the drinking escalate?
I guess after this big long shpiel my questions are: Am I overreating? Does it seem like "M" is indeed alcohol dependant to some extent? Should I let it go and "give him some time" as he has requested of me? Am I being to hard on him and not recognizing the changes he has made and that he has come a long way?
Sorry this was so damn long...I wanted to be as detailed as I could. If you've gotten this far, many thanks, and thanks for any advice you can give.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Whether he is an alcoholic or not, you have expressed that alcohol is a prolem in yor relationship. That is enough. If he is an alcoholic and he is in denial about it, it will only get worse. Its a progressive disease. If he is an alcoholic, social drinking, drinking at all will not be possible.
You need to take a look at what you want with a relationship. Do you want one where you know there is a good chance alcohol will continue to cause problems? Where his drinking likely to get worse? Do you want to learn to walk on egg shells? Or do you want to look for a healthy relationship where alcohol is not an issue?
You need to take a look at what you want with a relationship. Do you want one where you know there is a good chance alcohol will continue to cause problems? Where his drinking likely to get worse? Do you want to learn to walk on egg shells? Or do you want to look for a healthy relationship where alcohol is not an issue?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: MO
Posts: 56
Hey worried and welcome! Not trying to re-iterate what Barbara said..but she is right on. It comes down to what you want out of life. What are you prepared to sacrifice and believe me, sacrifice is what you will do if you feel that the alcohol is out of control. I have live 12 years with an Alcoholic and have 3 children and I have sacrificed and apologized and twisted my owns words to accomodate him. I have spent years thinking that what I had was "you know, normal" by most standards and have placed the guilt on myself for thinking I was overreacting or being too hard on him. In the end, I finally realized that this life style is NOT normal when I feel like I am walking on egg shells, NOT normal when he drinks the whole bottle of wine at dinner 2 nights per week, NOT normal when he got his first DWI....and the list goes on and on. I also attributed his first signs of drinking to the fact that prior to me he was single and spent all his time with friends and they all drank. I spent 5 years trying actively to change him and see what I did to make him feel like he needed to drink so much. I spent the next 4 years building the huge wall around my heart so that his actions couldn't take anymore of my life away. The last three years I have spent dying to get the strength to get out of this house and this madness. Everyone's time table is different and I suppose some people can live with the alcohol, but I can't and the health effects for me have mounted both physically and emotionally. This is my situation and I am certainly not saying that this is what your life will look like nor would I ever want to make anything harder for you. I can say however, that if you are uncomfortable with what is happening that it is not healthy for you...and YOU are what matters. I guess honey, my advice to you would be to really sit down calmly with yourself and take an inventory of what you really want out of life (kids, house, future) and see if you truly feel you can get all of that with him. Also know that at any time YOU have the right to change your feelings and make any changes you need or want to make. I have found journaling to be "my" tool to help me really see what I am feeling particularly on emotional days.
Biggest hugs to you! I am thinking of you!
g:ghug3
Biggest hugs to you! I am thinking of you!
g:ghug3
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
[QUOTE=worried22;1630484 Will the drinking escalate?
[/QUOTE]
ABSOLUTLY, No doubt about, you aint seen nothin yet, for sure,
Your goals and dreams will lay at the bottom of a brown bottle,
up a coke straw, and/or a empty plastic pot bag. The disease is very progresive, the only cure? is complete abstinance, (THIN ICE BEWARE)
[/QUOTE]
ABSOLUTLY, No doubt about, you aint seen nothin yet, for sure,
Your goals and dreams will lay at the bottom of a brown bottle,
up a coke straw, and/or a empty plastic pot bag. The disease is very progresive, the only cure? is complete abstinance, (THIN ICE BEWARE)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
Glad you're here. You will get lots of support and information in varying degrees of intensity and importance (to you). Take what you like and leave the rest.
My only thought is this: If someone evaluated him and told you "no", he's not an alcoholic - - would that change the fact that you're bothered by his drinking? What does him having/not having the actual label "alcoholic" mean to you?
As someone who's been sober 14 years, and married to 2 alcoholics, it's my totally unprofessional opinion that you are describing someone who has a problem with addiction. Period.
Take care of yourself.
My only thought is this: If someone evaluated him and told you "no", he's not an alcoholic - - would that change the fact that you're bothered by his drinking? What does him having/not having the actual label "alcoholic" mean to you?
As someone who's been sober 14 years, and married to 2 alcoholics, it's my totally unprofessional opinion that you are describing someone who has a problem with addiction. Period.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
drinking a small amount everyday can be normal and social. Many people have a glass or two of wine at dinner, or a few drinks in the evening.
Many people do because many of those who do have a problem with alcohol and drinking at certain times of the day is their "normal". It's not social or normal if they are rushing home from work and barricading themselves indoors as part of the pre-drinking routine.
This is the kind of thinking that I used to rationalize XABF's drinking.
"A few drinks" is invariably going to be well over any kind of safe consumption of alcohol be it for personal health or operating a vehicle. "A few drinks" indicates there is a problem.
Worried, welcome to SR. Read, post, ask questions. Have you read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie? It helped show me how to detach from the addictive behaviours of others.
ARL
Many people do because many of those who do have a problem with alcohol and drinking at certain times of the day is their "normal". It's not social or normal if they are rushing home from work and barricading themselves indoors as part of the pre-drinking routine.
This is the kind of thinking that I used to rationalize XABF's drinking.
"A few drinks" is invariably going to be well over any kind of safe consumption of alcohol be it for personal health or operating a vehicle. "A few drinks" indicates there is a problem.
Worried, welcome to SR. Read, post, ask questions. Have you read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie? It helped show me how to detach from the addictive behaviours of others.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by worried22 
Needless to say, the fact that he drinks pretty much every day really bothers me.
I'd suggest discussing it ONCE and seeing what happens. If it continues to be a problem, I'd have to make a choice: change my feelings about the every day drinking and live with him EXACTLY AS HE IS, or move on.
Good luck and keep posting!
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Glad you are here..........I have really learned a lot from the wonderful people at SR.
What you describe sounds like my exAH at one time...it's gotten a little "better" sometimes but basically this is a progressive situation. It never gets better without work (by the addict and no alcohol). I didn't think my AH was "that bad" either;he wasn't compared to how he became. He still is drinking;not a fall-down,homeless drunk....and daily drinker that hides it well to most people. He still is a well-paid exec. (who just sold the business he started and ran for 15yrs) but he is getting moodier to others now,I notice. At one time he admitted he was drinking a bit too much;when he moved out he was livid that the kids and I all had issues surrounding his behavior and how much he was drinking (much more than when he said that). He divorced me (after 27yrs) and pulled a "geographic" hoping it really was "the kids and me that make him drink". Of course it isn't.
You are seeing the signs now, before you have children,joint finances,a mortgage,etc.,etc. I see lots of red flags...just being on this board is a big one.
Keep reading and posting.
What you describe sounds like my exAH at one time...it's gotten a little "better" sometimes but basically this is a progressive situation. It never gets better without work (by the addict and no alcohol). I didn't think my AH was "that bad" either;he wasn't compared to how he became. He still is drinking;not a fall-down,homeless drunk....and daily drinker that hides it well to most people. He still is a well-paid exec. (who just sold the business he started and ran for 15yrs) but he is getting moodier to others now,I notice. At one time he admitted he was drinking a bit too much;when he moved out he was livid that the kids and I all had issues surrounding his behavior and how much he was drinking (much more than when he said that). He divorced me (after 27yrs) and pulled a "geographic" hoping it really was "the kids and me that make him drink". Of course it isn't.
You are seeing the signs now, before you have children,joint finances,a mortgage,etc.,etc. I see lots of red flags...just being on this board is a big one.
Keep reading and posting.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by denny57
I'd suggest discussing it ONCE and seeing what happens. If it continues to be a problem, I'd have to make a choice: change my feelings about the every day drinking and live with him EXACTLY AS HE IS, or move on.
I've known a lot of heavy drinkers that are not alcoholics. But I think more important than defining him, is defining you and what you are able to comfortably tolerate. If you can't live with it, then move on.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I've known a lot of heavy drinkers that are not alcoholics.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
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just by the fact that you are here, on an addiction help forum might indicate that his drinking is indeed bothering you. That being the case, the label of alcoholic matters not....if someone elses drinking bothers YOU...theres a problem.
Have you thought of going to alanon to get some real life expereinces?
Have you thought of going to alanon to get some real life expereinces?
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: OH
Posts: 20
My opinion is that things are only going to get worse before they get better unless he is willing to make some changes. If he drinks to relieve stress you may have a problem. It is definitely a progressive disease and when the real big stresses come along, you may have to deal with even more than you can handle. My abf started out as a social drinker, it then progressed to daily drinking with friends, which led to couple day binges to week long binges to months long binges. I never would have imagined in the beginning how bad things would get. Everyone's situation is different, but I think that either he will make some changes or you will have to just deal with his drinking.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by worried22
I think I've seen him "fall down sloshed" 2 times in the 6 months. Usually he just gets a mild buzz going. Sometimes though it's more than 2 glasses of wine with dinner, sometimes he polishes a whole bottle to himself throughout an evening while I'll have none
Also, I dont consider it to be socially acceptable for my partner to guzzle down a whole bottle by themselves when I myself am not drinking.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Denny quoted the same line before I had a chance to respond.
My ex drank every day and it bothered me. The actions progressed and my choice was to leave the relationship. It's a problem if you are bothered by it and you do have choices as to how you are treated and what you find acceptable.
My ex drank every day and it bothered me. The actions progressed and my choice was to leave the relationship. It's a problem if you are bothered by it and you do have choices as to how you are treated and what you find acceptable.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
dear worried,
your boyrfriend has many signs of alcoholism. if you are deeply in love with him and feel bonded to him right now, you are likely not ready to consider ending the relationship. we are simply not that mechanically rational when it comes to love. we are creatures with hearts.
but he may indeed be an alcoholic, and it may take you many many months to know. so, for now, do what you are doing: seek information. a good book is "under the influence". there is much on this site. you may not be inclined to attend al-anon since you are unsure if you are in relationship with an addict. but al-anon will be there for you if the day comes when you are sure. or if he is cruel to you and abandons you because you are "controlling". addicts do not want anyone making any demands of them...even if those "demands" are for kind and mature behavior.
i have read that most adults stop getting smashed by their late twenties. if they continue on into their thirties, addiction is likely.
take good care of yourself. you are in a very fragile situation. i am worried for you.
your boyrfriend has many signs of alcoholism. if you are deeply in love with him and feel bonded to him right now, you are likely not ready to consider ending the relationship. we are simply not that mechanically rational when it comes to love. we are creatures with hearts.
but he may indeed be an alcoholic, and it may take you many many months to know. so, for now, do what you are doing: seek information. a good book is "under the influence". there is much on this site. you may not be inclined to attend al-anon since you are unsure if you are in relationship with an addict. but al-anon will be there for you if the day comes when you are sure. or if he is cruel to you and abandons you because you are "controlling". addicts do not want anyone making any demands of them...even if those "demands" are for kind and mature behavior.
i have read that most adults stop getting smashed by their late twenties. if they continue on into their thirties, addiction is likely.
take good care of yourself. you are in a very fragile situation. i am worried for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for your replies. After I posted this yesterday, the BF noticed something was bothering me and we talked for a very long time about it. I was totally honest in my feelings and fears and told him I don't want this for my life. He seemed to understand that I am not going to be around if this is how he wants to live, but of course there is still fear there for me as to if he really wants to change or not because I know I can't make him change, HE has to want to.
He claims that he agrees it isn't normal to drink as often as he does, but again said it's "something he's just done for so long". He says he wants cut back (whatever that means to him I don't know) but admitted he's scared to change and admitted alcohol is a crutch for him. He says all the right things but actions speak louder than words.
At this point he knows where I stand and that while I will try to support him at this time, I won't be around forever or for very long for that matter if this is how he chooses to go on.
There's a lot more I can say right now but don't have the time. Thank you so much again for your support and advice, I am grateful there is a place out there for people like me to come to. Thanks as well to Omega Man for his PM, if you see this, I tried to reply to you but I couldn't as I haven't had 5 posts yet...I would love to talk further with you as I have a lot of questions!
He claims that he agrees it isn't normal to drink as often as he does, but again said it's "something he's just done for so long". He says he wants cut back (whatever that means to him I don't know) but admitted he's scared to change and admitted alcohol is a crutch for him. He says all the right things but actions speak louder than words.
At this point he knows where I stand and that while I will try to support him at this time, I won't be around forever or for very long for that matter if this is how he chooses to go on.
There's a lot more I can say right now but don't have the time. Thank you so much again for your support and advice, I am grateful there is a place out there for people like me to come to. Thanks as well to Omega Man for his PM, if you see this, I tried to reply to you but I couldn't as I haven't had 5 posts yet...I would love to talk further with you as I have a lot of questions!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
the BF noticed something was bothering me and we talked for a very long time about it.
XABF always noticed when I was upset. All I ever got upset about was his drinking.
You are wise to note that actions mean more than words at this point.
What will your actions be now?
ARL
XABF always noticed when I was upset. All I ever got upset about was his drinking.
You are wise to note that actions mean more than words at this point.
What will your actions be now?
ARL
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