Off Topic: Relationship advice
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
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Off Topic: Relationship advice
Hi Everyone. In need of something here...
I've been in a relationship since Feb 07 with someone and it got pretty serious right away. We got the kids together in May and it went well.. (I have 3 boys he has 1) It ended up that we (he and I)spend all of our extra time together and all of a sudden - We didn't! He would go off camping with his friends and family w/out me not even ask me by myself or with the boys. This went on for about 2 months..and I got mad and we sorta stopped seeing each other regularly again until about September.
Well, things have been going along great. We're back to seeing each other all the time.. I've brought my boys over 1 more time..but here he goes backing off again. His son was here for New Years... and he doesn't want me anywhere near his dad. This hurt my feelings and I told the bf about it and he said I was whiney and needed to do something about it! ?? He's a dedicated dad and could spend every minute w/his son w/out me or anyone else. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I feel like we are at a standstill. We also spend alot of time with his son and not with mine. I have to say I am starting to feel like my kids are being left out.
Should I talk to him about this and risk 'flight'? Do I ask him where we are going? What should I do?
Sorry this is so long!
Dawn
I've been in a relationship since Feb 07 with someone and it got pretty serious right away. We got the kids together in May and it went well.. (I have 3 boys he has 1) It ended up that we (he and I)spend all of our extra time together and all of a sudden - We didn't! He would go off camping with his friends and family w/out me not even ask me by myself or with the boys. This went on for about 2 months..and I got mad and we sorta stopped seeing each other regularly again until about September.
Well, things have been going along great. We're back to seeing each other all the time.. I've brought my boys over 1 more time..but here he goes backing off again. His son was here for New Years... and he doesn't want me anywhere near his dad. This hurt my feelings and I told the bf about it and he said I was whiney and needed to do something about it! ?? He's a dedicated dad and could spend every minute w/his son w/out me or anyone else. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I feel like we are at a standstill. We also spend alot of time with his son and not with mine. I have to say I am starting to feel like my kids are being left out.
Should I talk to him about this and risk 'flight'? Do I ask him where we are going? What should I do?
Sorry this is so long!
Dawn
Not a bad place to be....
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
I'm going through something very similar right now and I just posted a reading about unacceptable behavior and insisting on the best and I feel after I have made my needs known and what I can accept and what I can't, then it's probably time for me to move on, because some of these things are just deal breakers for me and I know that. Hate you are going through this because it JUST STINKS!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
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see if you can back off a bit and let things breathe. this allows you more time to process the value of this relationship, exactly as it is right now and takes the pressure off both of you.
while in neutral mode, spend time with your son and friends enjoying yourselves.
while in neutral mode, spend time with your son and friends enjoying yourselves.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
Thanks. It's hard cause i go through times when I am going and doing and enjoying life. Then I get to a point where I feel like we are in different directions. I keep myself confused. I will try to do the neutral thing for a bit. See how it goes. Stinks though cause he is my best friend.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
The idea to pull back a bit sounds like a reasonable idea to me.
This really caught my eye though:
My best friend wouldn't treat me the way you describe.
This really caught my eye though:
Originally Posted by Ayers1995 
Stinks though cause he is my best friend.
My best friend wouldn't treat me the way you describe.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Hello Ayers.... I know how that feels.
Last Oct. my relationship ended and I have to admit that the thing that hurt most was loosing my best friend.... that part does suck.
When this happens to me I’m always surprised by how much of my life I have wrapped around that person without it being a mutually committed relationship... I understand when your engaged, living with or married to someone that the relationship becomes very intertwined... but I noticed that when the relationship ended his life went on just like it always did ... the only difference is my presents was not there.... but my life was so wrapped up in his that when it ended there was nothing going on... I had to actually put things back together again.
I guess I would have to wonder how healthy that was for me? I had to figure out where my balance was and why the things that are important to me where not in my life any longer and I could not point a finger at him because not once did he suggest I twist my life into a pretzel to fit his... I just did it. That is part of my disease called Co-Dependency…. Though I am getting much better these days.
Maybe you could take a look at what you want for your life and relationship and see if he might be interested in becoming as much a part of your life as you have obviously become a part of his... spend more time with your family, include you in his "whole" family" etc... Anyone that dates me knows I’m a package deal... and you know what, I really love the package I’m a part of today.... so if they only want parts of that package I’m more then happy to wait till I meet someone that appreciates all of me and I don’t have to fight with to get them to want all of what and who I am.
Maybe it could be a good time for you to sit back and re-look what you want, what package is important to you and take a really clear look at the signals he is giving you and decide if that works in your life....
The saddest thing I can think of is settling on life. Especially on that one relationship this is SO important.... Do some good and fun things for you and the kids and start enjoying life, he can always catch up if he has a mind too.
Last Oct. my relationship ended and I have to admit that the thing that hurt most was loosing my best friend.... that part does suck.
When this happens to me I’m always surprised by how much of my life I have wrapped around that person without it being a mutually committed relationship... I understand when your engaged, living with or married to someone that the relationship becomes very intertwined... but I noticed that when the relationship ended his life went on just like it always did ... the only difference is my presents was not there.... but my life was so wrapped up in his that when it ended there was nothing going on... I had to actually put things back together again.
I guess I would have to wonder how healthy that was for me? I had to figure out where my balance was and why the things that are important to me where not in my life any longer and I could not point a finger at him because not once did he suggest I twist my life into a pretzel to fit his... I just did it. That is part of my disease called Co-Dependency…. Though I am getting much better these days.
Maybe you could take a look at what you want for your life and relationship and see if he might be interested in becoming as much a part of your life as you have obviously become a part of his... spend more time with your family, include you in his "whole" family" etc... Anyone that dates me knows I’m a package deal... and you know what, I really love the package I’m a part of today.... so if they only want parts of that package I’m more then happy to wait till I meet someone that appreciates all of me and I don’t have to fight with to get them to want all of what and who I am.
Maybe it could be a good time for you to sit back and re-look what you want, what package is important to you and take a really clear look at the signals he is giving you and decide if that works in your life....
The saddest thing I can think of is settling on life. Especially on that one relationship this is SO important.... Do some good and fun things for you and the kids and start enjoying life, he can always catch up if he has a mind too.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I'd say maybe you should back off and left things go a bit slower. Sounds like it was rushed in the beginning and especially with kids in the mix,moving at a slower pace is in everyone's best interest. jmho.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
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Posts: 509
Read "Why men loves bitches".
Its quite the codependeny recovery book as it relates to dating. Sounds to me you are being seen by him as clingy and attend to HIS needs first (ie spending time with Him and HIS kids, and not yours).
When you show value towards yourself, he will also. Please read the book, I think you will see alot of what Im talking about.
Its quite the codependeny recovery book as it relates to dating. Sounds to me you are being seen by him as clingy and attend to HIS needs first (ie spending time with Him and HIS kids, and not yours).
When you show value towards yourself, he will also. Please read the book, I think you will see alot of what Im talking about.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Anyone that dates me knows I’m a package deal... and you know what, I really love the package I’m a part of today.... so if they only want parts of that package I’m more then happy to wait till I meet someone that appreciates all of me and I don’t have to fight with to get them to want all of what and who I am.
Wonderfully said, Cynay!
It kind of made me think about my reasons for breaking things off with XABF. If I was walking on eggshells around him I was not being true to myself. The package that was ME was at risk of fragmenting.
Ayers...I am a bit puzzled as to how you can call a guy you've known less than a year your "best friend". I have a "best friend"....I've known her for nearly 30 years. Anyway, that is JMO but I would be interested in how you define a best friend.
I don't know about your past situation but I am guessing you were involved, at some point, with an A. Did you do any recovery work? Have you ever read Beyond Co-dependency by Melody Beattie where she discusses new relationships and avoiding the old co-dep mistakes?
ARL
Wonderfully said, Cynay!
It kind of made me think about my reasons for breaking things off with XABF. If I was walking on eggshells around him I was not being true to myself. The package that was ME was at risk of fragmenting.
Ayers...I am a bit puzzled as to how you can call a guy you've known less than a year your "best friend". I have a "best friend"....I've known her for nearly 30 years. Anyway, that is JMO but I would be interested in how you define a best friend.
I don't know about your past situation but I am guessing you were involved, at some point, with an A. Did you do any recovery work? Have you ever read Beyond Co-dependency by Melody Beattie where she discusses new relationships and avoiding the old co-dep mistakes?
ARL
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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I always referred to my husband as my best friend. WHat I found out was he was my *only* friend and my best drug of no choice.
I am addicted to relationships, Im an addict and Id let anyone put my needs (and my child) second if it meant they would love me.
I am addicted to relationships, Im an addict and Id let anyone put my needs (and my child) second if it meant they would love me.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by Ayers1995
Should I talk to him about this and risk 'flight'?
On the other hand, if I withhold my honest feelings because of fear that they will flee, I am allowing myself to be manipulated and controlled, whether that is the other person's intention or not.
L
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Based on the information provided, it appears that both times when you attempted to add your three boys into the mix, your friend backed away. Perhaps he's interested in pursuing a relationship with you, but not with your boys.
That wouldn't work for me. My daughter and I are a package deal. I will not compromise myself by settling for less, and I will not compromise my daughter.
That wouldn't work for me. My daughter and I are a package deal. I will not compromise myself by settling for less, and I will not compromise my daughter.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Perhaps he enjoys your company,but isn't really interested in a serious relationship,at least at this time? If that is the case,it would be natural that he would not involve your boys. again,jmo.
Hard to say what he is thinking/feeling,but I'd want to be sure he was scheduled in around my kids and not the other way around. I'd guess he already has some "baggage" of his own to deal with,if he has a son (who doesn't live with him?). And if his relationship with you is an issue for his son,I can understand even more why he would want to slow things down........to allow you to gradually get to know each other,etc. (if he wants the relationship to have a chance of working ) or because his primary relationship is with his son (as all us mother's here have said about our children and any new men that might come along).
Again,I come back to a little "breathing room".
Hard to say what he is thinking/feeling,but I'd want to be sure he was scheduled in around my kids and not the other way around. I'd guess he already has some "baggage" of his own to deal with,if he has a son (who doesn't live with him?). And if his relationship with you is an issue for his son,I can understand even more why he would want to slow things down........to allow you to gradually get to know each other,etc. (if he wants the relationship to have a chance of working ) or because his primary relationship is with his son (as all us mother's here have said about our children and any new men that might come along).
Again,I come back to a little "breathing room".
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
My bf has two children from another relationship and I have a daughter. When we first got together he did not want me to be around his children whereas I was fine with him seeing my daughter and them 'getting to know each other'. It hurt me too. Like you I believed it was a reflection of our relationship. What I learnt was it was NOT.
Don't take his actions personally. He is probably, as was my bf, doing what he thinks is best for the kids. He does not know that this relationship with you is going to be 'the one', he may even be a bit anxious about fully committing to the relationship because if it doesn't work he will be left having to heal his children's hearts once more, as well as his own. Although he is an adult and can decide if he wants to take that risk with his heart, his children cannot make that decision. This may be leading him to shield them.
Another thing that popped into my mind reading your post is that you seem to have spent a lot of time together n the past. It is not healthy to live in someone's pocket. He and you both need to be by yourself. You don't need to spend huge amounts of time together in order to be in love. Perhaps he has realised this was happening and is trying to slow things down. Neither of you are going any where, neither are the kids.
Relax, and let the anxiety go.
Don't take his actions personally. He is probably, as was my bf, doing what he thinks is best for the kids. He does not know that this relationship with you is going to be 'the one', he may even be a bit anxious about fully committing to the relationship because if it doesn't work he will be left having to heal his children's hearts once more, as well as his own. Although he is an adult and can decide if he wants to take that risk with his heart, his children cannot make that decision. This may be leading him to shield them.
Another thing that popped into my mind reading your post is that you seem to have spent a lot of time together n the past. It is not healthy to live in someone's pocket. He and you both need to be by yourself. You don't need to spend huge amounts of time together in order to be in love. Perhaps he has realised this was happening and is trying to slow things down. Neither of you are going any where, neither are the kids.
Relax, and let the anxiety go.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 141
I second "Why Men Love Bitches" wholeheartedly.
I re-org'd my bookcase over the holidays and sat down and read that book from cover to cover. Tbh, it recommends doing the opposite to what most posters on here have done, including myself. But it makes sense! I shake my head that such a book is needed in this day and age, but I sure needed to see it in black and white.
Time for you to call some of the shots, Ayers.
I re-org'd my bookcase over the holidays and sat down and read that book from cover to cover. Tbh, it recommends doing the opposite to what most posters on here have done, including myself. But it makes sense! I shake my head that such a book is needed in this day and age, but I sure needed to see it in black and white.
Time for you to call some of the shots, Ayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
Thanks to everyone's reply. I appreciate them very much. First of all, I do see alot of him but only when my kids are with their dad. But i do rely on that time alone with him and alot of it is my fault. I am stepping back and taking control of mine and the boys lives... making it what we want. Enjoying us and if in the end..we don't fit into his schedule, hopefully I will be strong enough to just let it go.
Space.. I agree with you all! Thanks.... hugs Dawn
Space.. I agree with you all! Thanks.... hugs Dawn
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